Sober Steve

Only as sick as my secerets

2011-07-06T21:24:00.000-04:00

still around

2010-08-08T12:52:00.002-04:00

I'm still around the tables of aa, not from my own doing, but from the strength of the great people I call friends. I still ask every morning for help, and Thank GOD at the end of the day for keeping me sober, It's just that easy. I throw my self will and lack of control into the mix and make life so flipping much worse. I do that and goto meeting and dint drink just for today, I'll be ok. Soon if I leave my will in bed maybe I can have a gr8 day. Right now I'm still hell bent on destruction.

Take care my peeps
Ur sober BRO

Steve

Chris Young - The Man I Want To Be

2010-05-22T17:02:00.000-04:00

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now

2010-04-24T12:54:00.000-04:00

graditude

2010-03-15T19:45:00.002-04:00

When two people say it must be true. I need to make a gratitude list!!

Today I'm grateful for the fellowship that has keep me sober this last week
Great Sponsorship
Being sober
Being sober
Being Sober
Both boys here with me this week
Being Sober
My HP,,, even though I can't turn it over

Giving Back

2009-11-26T12:13:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all the recovering peeps out there. Today I have so much to grateful for. Today although my entire family is not here with me in my new place. My oldest who has struggled with his own demons, is here, my Fiancee is here with her rat dog, my youngest was here to hunt with me all week and my parents are here in my heart.

3 Years ago today I lied in a snowbank in deer camp, praying for something, I wanted needed the pain to stop. I wasn't sure what I was praying for, or to whom. I tried to kill myself early that day, but someone had different plans for me. It has been a hard long road that I have traveled down since that day. But I did not walk it alone. At times when I could not go on, I got strength knowing that I was not alone in my journey, many of you had this desire to drink removed, and that was amazing to me. You laughed, not cried, you joked, not screamed, you loved not hated. I was told to keep keeping on, keep coming back, bring the body the soul will follow. I was told that you would love me until I could learn to myself again.

Today thru the gifts of my higher power I have a turkey in the oven in my house. I have family here that loves me now. I have true friends that I can call when feeling down. I have learned to love myself, and now I know how to love someone else for who they are, not what I want them to be.

I love each and everyone one of you, for who you are! Thanks for being part of my journey. We stand in a circle to close, knowing that we never have to stand alone again!

Peace hugs and Kisses

Steve

Home is where your story begins

2009-08-24T19:43:00.004-04:00

Well Summer is almost over and my youngest just went back to his mothers for School. What a difference two years make. Last time I creid for hours that I was losing my kids again. Had a great summer every once and while my alcoholic thinking would take over and want to plan big expensive weekends, but someone would real me in. usually my oldest who is still living with me, not working, not going to college. He better find a job soon!!!

I'm in the process of moving. My parents and I bought 18 acres out in farm county. I moved a mobile home on it, along side the older trailer that was already there, now I'm trailer trash, but sober and happy. My Fiancee is looking for a job down here in Appleton, YES I'm engaged.

...We will know a new found freedom, we will not regret the past, or wish to shut the door on it,,, i never thought I would be there. But today by the grace of GOD and the Fellowship of AA i walk and smile and hold my head high. Everyday I find out somthing new about myself and grow some more. i miss blogging buat I started to replace meeting with it and the bothered me. I sat here once and thought "What sounds good?" I never thought about that before, I usuallky talked about my E.S.H. or pain. Pain is such a could moviator. I'm still in Pain, but I share with my sponsor and Home group member, i even call my good old sober brother from Ohio, Sober nuggets Scott.

the fellowship keeps growing, I keep on coming back just in case that newcomer that needs help walks through those doors like I did 32 months ago,,,,,,,,GOD I love my new life.

Back to packing,,,out by the First,,,A Bunch of Alcholics are helping me move imagine that!!!

Peace Love and Kissing

Sober Steve

Spring Break with a program of Recovery

2009-03-28T11:02:00.003-04:00

Good Morning my fellow peeps. Last week was my youngest sons spring break. Of course everyone wanted to fly to Florida to bake in the sun. They even tried the guilt thing saying that wanted to see the cousins who live there and Grandma and Grandpa G the snow birds. Today using my program of recovery I'm currently working on my amends. Most of those are Finical amends to family friends (well I use to call them friends) and banking institutions. I'm trying to purchase a house of my own. Something I can Call my own, have ownership of it, like my program I need to work on this in steps, a day at a time.

Well I took Thursday and Friday off of work, My girlfriend and her son came down from the UP of Michigan Wednesday night. Thursday Morning Her and I went to the bank to check on a loan for the above dream. The Banker went through everything said he would try to do his best, but wasn't sure. He later called and said I needed more time to clear up the past bad credit. Time, its in the past I can not change that, what can I do. I thanked him as he said he was sorry, it was not him that put me in this position I'm in today with my credit. That could of started the weekend out bad, but not for me. It was in the past, I need to keep working my program being a responsible member of society, that mean paying bills by due date.

Friday Morning rolled around and My brother and I along with "T" went pheasant hunting. one of the last weekends open for it in Illinois. Oh Forgot that part, both of us moved north to WI and MI during our marriages, our families still live in the Chicago area. Went hunting and had fun, I need glasses, another denly stage.

Now speaking of stages my family all work in the theater bizz. My brother asked if we wanted tickets to a Reba Concert. I said yes. He called Sat morning when we where downtown in the Sears towers saying he had 5 tickets. My oldest wouldn't go to a country concert so "T" invited her brother (cross that visit of the list,lol). So the 3 of us along with her son and my youngest went. Meet my brother in the parking lot, his wife and daughter drove with us. They had nose bleed tickets. Ours where front row, only security in front of us. How cool is that. 2 of my brothers where working that concert, my oldest came up to me with some guy and asked if I remember him. Shit he looked bad, life was bad to him I thought, it was his best friend that I hadn't seen in 25 years. He looked at me and said "Holy shit you are one fat ***ker." I got married weighting 135 well lets just say I'm well over the 200 mark today. Dennis had been in and out of rehad a few times and from the smell he is still out there. I thought I would rather be fat and Bald then that way ever again.

The couple sitting next to me, both had a drink the smell was sickening, but death is sickening also. That's where I would be if I wanted one. Which I didn't, first concert sober. I use to work these concerts, and yes drink during them i was 19-20 at the time and thought how great is this work and drink and get paid $20 an hour, that was over 20 years ago.

Anyways We had a great time. the kids it was there first concert ever, front row. Will be hard to top that. They would of like it better if it wasn't country, but they came with. I did loose my temper with the kids and yelled at her son, but promptly made my amends. What a great weekend.

Two years ago I posted on this blog my first trip alone with my kids went to the Sears tower also. Was scraid, alone and afraid of the temptation. Today I can say that the promises are coming true for me, God has relived my mention obsession to drink. I am regaining trust in myself and others.

God this program is great, and it is great living it.

Peace hugs and Kisses
Steve

I did things with my

Happy B-day to ME!!!

2009-03-08T13:11:00.002-04:00

Wow what a difference two years makes. Friday was my belly button birthday. A little over two years I was crying in my milk that I was going to turn 40 in treatment. Looking back I think that was one of the reasons I walked out of treatment. A few weeks ago I wrote about returning to the scene, I was sober, but miserable. I was at that point in the big book were they talk about jumping off point. I couldn't imagine life with alcohol and couldn't live with-it, then I added my family either. When I sat there staring at my wedding ring, a bottle, and a gun in my heart I only wanted to save the ring. The last two would or could never get back my wife or family, actually it would insure I would never be happy. I set my pride aside and returned to treatment. I needed to learn how to deal with these feelings I had. I entered treatment on March 6, 2007. A birthday present to me. A chance at life. A chance to live again. A chance to restore myself to sanity.

Today life is different. I'm still suffering, but I am sober and learning how to live a sober. My 42 was not what I wanted, but it was what it was. i spent it working at a convention for 3 days in the Wisconsin Dells with my girlfriend and oldest son. Two things I did not think I would have two years ago. Today I am learning what it means to live sober. Make commitments and keep them. Learn to pay bills on time. Learn to love others as well as myself,,,That one is hard some days!

I feel sad every time my girlfriend leaves with my son to go back north, knowing that it is another week until I see them again, maybe two weeks for my son. my oldest son living with me fills that void of loneliness and isolation. He has been a god sent for me. He is dealing with his addition's, and is not done yet. Although not actively using because of probation, he still talks about it. He most face that himself and discover a higher power of his own.

Today I am grateful to be a member of AA and grateful for you being here for me and keeping me sober for another day!

returning to the scene

2009-02-17T13:46:00.002-05:00

As I lay in bed shivering, the past came back to remind me of where I am and how far we have come.

It was Wednesday about 2 weeks ago I had a sales call back up north, the place I call home. It was about 2 pm so i decided to stay in Minocqua for a meeting that night. I went to my parents house, that I stay at on weekends with the kids. mom and dad are Florida snow birds so they are gone. I was lying in bed shaking. Thinking I haven't felt this cold in years. Holy shit maybe two years. When I walked out of treatment, I know the web of lies I had layed in the past were being unrelieved before my eyes. Everything I thought that was important was gone.

I sat there in that bed thinking of how bad I wanted to end my life. I had tried once before, but was to drunk to shoot straight. This time I was sober, a dry drunk. I call my ex talked to her, she said if I did it, she had nothing to do with it. That hurt, her and that dam Al-anon. She was suppose drop everything and come running. I called my friend "M" she cried and told me to remember my kids. All I could remember is that I was losing them. I sat there holding a gun, looking at my wedding band, with a bottle of Rum next to me.

Which would I choose. I had been sober long enough to know better, but I hurt and didn't want that pain anymore. i didn't call my sponsor I didn't call another AA. I called a priest he could talk to me. Take my side about how she was wrong. He asked me to leave everything there and lock the door and go for a walk. I did just to return to see him and Police there. He had to report it. We sat and talked for about 90 minutes before it was time for me to talk to the cops.

I would find a crisis bed that night back in that same treatment center. I remember saying AA screwed up my drinking, I was being held accountable. I knew that doing anything with that gun or bottle would not stop or change anything. I would transfer my pain. I needed to start living to replace that pain with love. To stop living the problem and live the solution.

Wow two years and I do have a better understanding of myself and this DZ. I am an alcoholic who needs AA, who needs others around me like myself. I am constantly reminded of that one phrase "Stop living the problem, Start living the Solution" So today I live to the best of my ability. Sometimes happy, sometime not, But I am living a sober Life today..

Peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

Having had a spiritual awekening...

2009-02-08T11:22:00.004-05:00

"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to alcoholics, and practice these principals in all our affairs." Step twelve of course, if I needed to explain that hold on its going to be a wild ride. Friday afternoon I got a phone call from a guy in the program. I really couldn't him a friend because I have really not been accepted into their little inner circle, but he his my brother never-the-less. He had a great Day going on Thursday, made some very difficult amends, his wife found out and it went down hill from there. One amends to an ex female business partner, and another to an old high school flame. He has started to make his amends with his wife, but she wants details, he explained as it says "unless it will do others harm". so he will not go into detail with her. This is where I am also in my program.

I was working, but talked for about 45 mins. He was about 2 hours north, told him that I would met him in Green Bay about noon. we finally meet about 1:30. He was shaken, he talked about the low he felt last night, and he just wanted that first drink. Felt like he thru away the last two years. He felt like that emotional hangover. I sat there and prayed for at least some wisdom. Told him there was a meeting at 8pm and I would see him there. Well i didn't and it hurt, I was fear full of what happened. I know that I did my best, but still second guessed myself if i said something wrong or didn't say enough. I know I didn't because I asked God for strength and wisdom. I didn't say anything that I have not learned in the program.

Well a week later he is sober still. Saw him Monday, he thanked me "without making your head swell, I wouldn't made it without you" I felt good a sense of being a sense of belong. God am I getting better with every 24 hours. I'm still sick but getting better

peace hugs and kisses
my sober friends
Steve

Worth working,,,,

2009-02-03T21:43:00.002-05:00

"...It works if you Work it,,sucks if you don't" is how many meetings end around here, Let me tell how how good it works. 10 day Ago I had the opportunity to speak at the Sunday morning AA meeting held at the treatment center that I was a guest of. It was a great experience one that I will remember each new 24 hours. A sense of being and belonging. I forget my notes, yes I lived it but made notes. I got down on my hands and knees and asked God to fill my mouth with the words that needed to be heard that day. of course things went well since I was not saying those words, they were from my voice but they were his words. There was no stretching the truth, misquotes. I could even talk about the time, as it talks about in the big book, when I could not imagine life with or without alcohol, I was at the jumping off point. After I attempted to take my life, I jumped the other way. I layed in there in that snow bank asking for help, this time I felt something, today I know what that something is. Butt I spoke with regret without fear.

I spoke almost 2 years to the Day that I walked into that treatment center. I was Dry for 2 months by then, but not living. Today things are different. Any ways After the meeting it was the hugs and thanks. I had to work on Monday so my son and i returned to Appleton. Tuesday morning rolled around and we were off back to Rhinelander for Court for him. we sat in the Lobby I overheard another lady talking about how she had 7 months sober, she went to great open speaker meeting on Sunday. Wow!!! I sat there another person from the treatment center walked in court, we exchanged the typical Hi's. Then a big bald ass biker dude yells, Brother Steve,,,A member from my old home group when I lived up there. God had put those 3 people in my life at that given moment for a reason,,,WOW!!!!! I know everything was going to be fine. Might not be good, but I was safe.

Now his lawyer shows up and calls us out to a conference room. To make a long story straight 5 felonies and two misdemeanors would be plead down to two misdemeanors and 18 months probation. We finished his High school home schooling just 3 days before. This kid has a chance of a life. It is up to him, God has seen to that. Anyways I thanked him and again and remembered the last thing I told my son Monday night, "Expect the worst, but pray for the best" it worked,,,See it works if you work,,,It sucks if you don't

Peace hugs and kisses
Steve

Life

2009-01-11T13:47:00.003-05:00

Today I am still grateful that I know who and what I am. But still I have hard time working a program daily hourly and sometimes just for that second. But I know that if I do what I have been told I will be fine. Work my program, and pray and ask for God's direction not Steve's and i will be fine. I will be GREAT.

I keep coming back to the sober blogs and miss some very good friends that where here when I started 2 years ago. I miss their voices, their lives their guidance. One can only assume that they where not convinced of their dezee. I am convinced I am an alcoholic and don't want or need to go back out to try that test. I do sometimes wonder if i need those 3 meeting a week, talking to my sponsor, meeting with him one on one to read the Big book. Then I travel for a week or two and I can't even live with myself, but expect others too. Get Real.

Next Sunday I have been asked to share my experience Strength and hope at the meeting that was my very first AA meeting. Many have seen me transformed into what I am today. The one who asked me to speak we will call Fred, said I was there at your first meeting seen you struggle Thur treatment, and grow thru the program. Wow how could I say no. I guess i have, and i continue to grow as long as I leave my mind open to teaching.

Peace hugs and Kisses
Steve

New Year with new beginnings

2009-01-01T11:14:00.002-05:00

I'm Steve and I'm an alcoholic, usually starts my rantings, but lately I can't even say that I do that as much as I should. I was told it was suggested to get a sponsor, go to at least 3 meeting a week, read the big book, and talk to the sponsor. It been about 2 weeks again since any of that has happened and my mind is squirrely, not in a drinking sense, but just that it easier to forgot would I should do or act, and just revert back to old ways of life.

I watched a movie "Changing Lanes" the other night and Samuel L Jackson was a recovering alcoholic. He did everything he could he could to destroy someone Else's life even tried to kill him. He became obsessed with revenge. It was his only thought, his life was destroyed by this fender bender and he was set out to destroy the other mans life. He finally calls his sponsor when he is sitting at a bar with a drink in front of him. The spons comes down and tries to get him to go with to a meeting. "I'll go tomorrow" was the response followed by "I know we only have the day,,,But I didn't drink today,,,I'm fine" The sponsor replies " so taking of lug nuts and trying to destroy someones life is being responsible. You didn't drink, but you did all the shit that your past behaviors would have you do!! Your drunk and don't even know it"

That's my life I let emotions run it, then call my sponsor reach out to someone in the program, but remain sober. My actions become less about shelf and more about the next right thing more and more each day. But if I allow anger and rage to live in my heart there is no room for others. So I can not allow that pattern of life to return.

*Today this new year I am blessed I have remained sober for a few 24 hours
*My 2 boys are with me this weekend
*My Girlfriend and her son are spending the week here
*My oldest son hugged me last week
*My parents are healthy
*I can walk,,to be able to shovel again, and again
*I have a program that I know how to work
*My sponsor who know I will when I get crabby enough
*My boss who believes in me, even with declining sales
*My higher power who guides me throughout the DAY

God Bless
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

and we made direct ammends, whenever possible

2008-10-02T20:35:00.003-04:00

The one thing I hear over and over when a person slips, relapse, or just quits trying is one of two things, they stopped going to meeting, or the resentments got to them. They didn't deal with a problem or situation and it ate away at them until the battle with the bottle won out. I have an amends that is so hard to make. On the surface it won't cause harm to anyone, won't end me up in jail, but I am scared. I can't imagine ever being forgiven or accepted for many who follow this already know who I am talking about, it's not my kids, my family, my x-wife it is myself. I feel that I am holding on to this for a reason to get my mind spinning out of control, another reason to feel sorry for myself to isolate, to be pissed at the world.

I know that I am really, really really hard on myself for the pain I have caused myself and others. I face that fear everyday, yes I said fear I am afraid if I listen to what you have told me, I will forgive myself and go on to live some sort of happy life. I don't deserve that,,,,yet. Maybe tomorrow but not today. It pisses me off I looking at buying a house and moving on with my life. Being happy without my kids living with me.

At times I feel I don't deserve to be happy or even sober, I don't want to go back and drink I just don't want to be happy, Hey thought I wasn't happy when I drank,,lets have a drink or two goes Thur my mind. It calls me back, it knocks on my door a lot. What do I do sit back and cover up on the couch hoping those thoughts just go away, and they do, But I have been told what to do, I have the tools to fight this part of the DZ. Call my sponsor, call a friend in the program, help the new comer, not to sit back and cover up.

I feel better blogging, I feel better going to meeting, one start in 40 Min's, VP debate starts in 5 Min's,,,,no brainier I'm going to a meeting

Peace hugs and Kisses
Steve

ps Kate drop me an Email

coming Soon

2008-09-16T15:18:00.001-04:00

Coming soon to a Blog near you.

"To stay in Place would be certain Death....."

To stay in Place would mean Certain Death!!! What power words. These words were said by some politician in Texas towards the people that were not leaving before Ike hit. WOW!!! stay in place,,,certain death. Until i admitted that I was powerless over alcohol i continued to stay in place,,If I did nothing I would die. He was talking to people to leave their house, for me those words make the hair on my neck stand up. I face that decision everyday. Stay in place and Die, or move and work the steps that so many have showed me how to work. If I choose to get of my coach and be a member of AA, go to meeting, be of service, talk to the newcomer I move forward. I contain to grow spirtically as long as I do what I have been told to do. Go to meeting, be of service, read the big book, and get a home group and TALK to my sponsor.

I can not afford to be complacent in my recovery I must move forward to do otherwise would mean certain death.

Thank you for being here today for me

Peace hugs and kisses

Today I'm Greatfull

2008-09-08T10:09:00.002-04:00

Today is a Great Dy to be Alive

Today I'm Great full for my Higher Power
Today I'm Great full to had the chance to celebrate my Mom's 70th B-day
Today I'm Grate full to have had my kids all Summer and watch them grow into young men
Today I'm Great full for the knowledge that Alcohol doesn't fix things
Today I'm Great full For the understanding from my Girlfriend
Today I'm Great full to always be learning from others
Today I'm Great full to drive without worries
Today I'm Great full AA all over the World
Today I'm Great full for my Blogger AA'a helping me stay sober for another 24 hours

Today I'm Grateful to be STEVE

Today I'm Grateful to feel Love,,,

Today I'm Great full for my own forgiveness

GOD this feels good, been a long time since I did a list

Peace hugs and Kisses

Steve

One of the 2%

2008-07-10T16:07:00.002-04:00

They say that only two percent of the population are alcoholics. Lucky us. I hate this Fuc**** disease that we suffer from. I hate the fact that I will never be heeled, that some of the people in my life will never heal from the pain and suffering that this F*****disease and STEVE caused. I'm pretty pisssed off, haven't blogged in Months, months and months, I needed meetings, needed the feed back the helping hand. Now for the first time I find myself alone, even at the meetings, the disesae is slowing calling me back, Last night I wanted to stop and test out the theroy that I couldn't have just one. WHAT you idot you know what happens if you have just one. There will be no return.

This has been setting unfinished for a month. I hurt to much to share. I just really started to talk to my sponsor, Building that trust factor up. I better hurry up and trust and tell him what is rally going or I'll be back out there plan and simple. I feel I don't deserve the happiness that I'm feeling the pity parties start and the tears follow. Well I do deserve a break. I deserve a hug for who I am Today, not the kicks for who I was. It was just 21 months, God I remember 21 days like it was yesterday. Many held me tight when I couldn't go a minute without falling or slipping. I have seen friends go back same made it back Others are just gone. I need to get real and get active again. Share my real feeling with my sponsor and aa's that i go out to dinner with after the meeting. I have to let them in. This Blog you people are the only ones that I really let see the real me. That is bad for a person like myself.

I called my sponsor the other night ranting and raving about my x father-in-law. I thought I was crying and whining. Last night he said I had resentments to work on about him. Wow, no shit, but it took me telling him what was really happening in my life and being real with him that he could see that and tell me to pray about it.

Gotta run at work, which sucks, but it a job and I like to eat so I better go.

Peace hugs and kisses
Steve

Steve,,,in charge of Alcohol

2008-01-25T20:24:00.000-05:00

We had a dealers meeting last week at work. I work my program over and over. Just always reminding myself what happens to me when I try control the uncontrollable. Work 12-16 hour days getting ready, not my procrastination either. I wanted everything done, just because I know how I get under pressure. I had no control over the fact We were not ready for this meeting. i had to talk about programs ,,,that I never saw till the power point presentation. I did well, I did great.

On Tues it was decided that I should stop on my home to get cheese and sausage and veggie trays,ohhhh yeah,,,buy those and with a coupon get Budweiser free. Yes Send an alcoholic to get the beer.

Well I was fine, but of course I doubted myself. didn't trust myself at all. 6 Cases of Beer in my truck, 3 miles back to work, it gave me 3 miles to allow that evil twin back in. Called my old sponsor from the parking lot. It was for Work, it was what my boss asked me to do. He reminded me that there are 98% of the world population that can drink with-out getting drunk.
There are people who can have one and Stop. He reminded me again that I was not probably one of them. But suggested if I thought I was to have one and stop again. Well He baited me, not go. I knew what would happen with even the smallest sip. Of course I did fine. Almost fine, I bought Odouls and had two that night at the meeting, which is just 3 stories by itself.

Beer tastes bad to me, so don't worry. not running for the flavor. I did ok, but reminded myself what happens if you sit in the barber chair to many times. Someday you are going to get a hair cut. Gotta run for know at work running around again, short handed here and it is FLIPPING cold 16 below Zero.

Peace Hugs and Kisses

Steve

5 things

2008-01-16T21:11:00.000-05:00

When I started in this proggram I was told at my first meeting to do five simple things:

1) Read the Big Book
2) Goto Meetings
3) Get a sponsor
4) Go to Meetings
5) Keep coming Back

I'm back IN the program. I Have a sponsor,,, I finaly have someone to hold me accountable here. I can't hide behind the fact that my "Northern" sponsor is 300 miles away. I feel so much better. I started to go to at least 3 meeting a week again. I started to walk the other way, thinking I could really do this on my own. I can't. Latley the guilt and shame and the lonelness ruled my heart. I was afraid to live again. My Uncle died right after x-mas. I was so ready to just say *uck it. I was already drunk, in my mind...A dry drunk. I didn't care about myself or my program. The only thing that keep me around the tables was the saying Fake it till you make it. I needed to do this. I needed a spark. I got that spark, I got it from all the thoughts and comments you have left in the past. It was DMC who told me to get my ass off the couch and start living again, Mr Anderson who showed concern, it was the conversions with Sober chick, it was Scott my misplaced bro in Ohio. It was all my brothers and sisters in recovery who brought me back. Oh yeah Mickey also. didn't want him to think he won and stopped me from blogging.

Today I am not ashamed of what i did in the past. I'm trying to pick up the pieces in my life and live again. Live a sober and clean life. To go thru the day and not add people to my 8th step list. Live life on lifes terms... To love again, starting with myself.

I love you all,

peace hugs and Kisses
Steve

A NEW YEAR!

2008-01-04T19:03:00.000-05:00

With this new year, it should bring new and exciting feelings to me, but it doesn't. I have been sober for over a year, big deal. I need to start living again. I need to become one of the people that I envoy at meetings, one who laughs, not cries. One who gets called instead of one waiting for the courage to call another. One who loves, not one who misses what he loved. I haven't been to a meeting in weeks, Haven't blogged, haven't been myself. I'm not sure what I miss most. I cry alot by myself, that seems to bring me further down. My job is taking a toll on me. Long hours is the only thing that is working, I can't wollow in self pitty. I miss so much of the person I was becoming, I pulled back into my shell and can not come out. I'm afraid I afraid of hurting anyone again.

My kids and I are getting along great, The oldest doesn't fight to come see me the youngest he is just an angel sent from heaven to help me. My girlfriend ( yes I have one) supports my recovery. I just am scared to death of failing. This feeling started around my one year mark. I went and spoke at the treatment center that I went to. Told my story hoping it will make a difference to at least one person. A differnece what is that. Today I don't feel different I just feel like a sober sick person. One with no outlook on life left.

I haven't been this far down in months. Blogging use to help, going to do more of that, and surf and talk to you who are making it, making that differnece. I need to be that person again.

peace hugs and kisses
Steve

the next right thing

2007-11-21T15:04:00.002-05:00

This time last week I was thinking and thinking and praying for guidance about doing the next right thing. And not being selfish, and putting myself first without hurting other, and most of all doing what is right.

Well being from Northern Wisconsin, Deer hunting a national holiday. My thoughts where consumed about where I was this time a year ago. I was at my bottom, reaching out for somethings, not knowing what. It was just about a year ago that I tried to kill myself during hunting. I was not sure if I was strong enough and ready to hunt. So many things changed from then. I had to find a hunting spot on public land. My son, the youngest this would be his first hunt. His grandfather, my father in law called and wanted to know where "A" was hunting. I told him that "A" wanted to hunt with me, but I knew he would see deer hunting with him. What to do...I asked my wife, if she would go to here parents that weekend and wake him up and get him off in the morning. Her father does not have to patience for that, and from past experience it turned my oldest son off from hunting because of getting yelled at about being late.

Well Last wed I decided that maybe I wasn't ready for this, and "A" would be better off hunting with his grandfather. I had no faith in myself about making it Thur without regrets and without not wanting to use. I drove 3 hours north to drop off all of his gear and gun. That way he could hunt with grandpa. I was pulling out of my parents drive when my wife called and said that "A" would be better hunting with me and she didn't want her father to torture another one of our kids. WOW. I was right. Drove back in a big snow storm. Drove all that for nothing I thought. It wasn't for nothing. My HP was trying to tell me something. Have faith in myself. He knew I could do this. He knew that connecting with my son and connecting with nature is what I needed. I was a drunk before, but not today. He wanted me to enjoy my son's FIRST opening day. And I did. We hunted all day. Laughed and joked around. smiled and do you know what I didn't regret the past.

Happy Thanksgiving...This will be My first one Sober. I might even be able to taste the food this year.

Peace hugs and Kisses
Steve

the next right thing

2007-11-21T15:04:00.001-05:00

Lost: MY Program

2007-11-03T14:54:00.000-05:00

I have seem to have lost the program that has been been working so good for me these last 11 months. Things are moving so fast towards that one year mark. I have already past one year with something else. It was just a year ago that my wife said this was the last argument she was going to have with me. Enough was enough. I look back and think about that night. I tried being funny, came out sideways and everything was different. If it didn't happen that night it would of been soon, and no more I'm sorries, and I;ll do better would not bring her back. So today a year later where am I? Claiming my part, trying very hard to pick up my side of the wreckage. My problem is the wreckage on the other side is from me. The reactions from her and my kids where because of me and this DZ. I know its there butt They most deal with it. Learn to heal of their own. This is the part that hurts, they are healing, and they don't want me around. My wife I understand, but my oldest hurts the most. I don't think we will ever be ok again. The other day he had a hearing with social services about his problems. I made arrangements for a conference call from Portland. I talked to him the night before, and to make a long story short. I said I wanted to be there. His words are stilling ringing in my ears. "NO!!! I don't want you there!! You have been around lately, but where have you been for the last 16 years of my life. You can't now decide to be my father now. It doesn't work that Way." I told him that I wasn't there for so long. I said the I'm sorry, and I'm here for you now, but it wasn't working. I said I want to be there for you,,,then he hung up on me.

I was lost in an IEKA store in Portland looking for candy that he wanted. I found it and bought it, it was now 9 pm. I remembered looking at a meeting list a 10 pm meeting somewhere in town. I jumped in the rent a car and drove. Driving past the bright neon signs was getting harder by the moment. I was on the phone with a girl that I have been seeing with her giving me turn by turn turn instructions from map quest,,,(to cheap for a TOM_TOM) I found the meeting. a few moments late, but there. It was a someones B-day 4 years. At this group he chairs the meeting, and calls on others to share basically about him. I didn't want that. I needed to share, I needed to be heard rushed thru my mind. It can't be about him. ITS about me today. I need you.

After the meeting I went and hugged him and introduced myself, he apologized about the bragging on going on about him. I told him that it was ok. But in my mind it wasn't. I stood outside, being an outsider trying to get into a conversion. I asked this guys sponsor how to get back towards the airport. To told me then made some small talk. He said something then just walked away. why you bastard rushed thru my mind. I walked away heading towards that car, with a mission. I went to the car getting ready for what I thought would be my last drunk. The meeting didn't help me I thought. I wanted to talk to share. Just as I started the car a lady knocked on the window, said John I think was getting me a meeting list and a phone list. I went and talked to them again. Feeling better about things, not great just better. I left and headed back to the hotel. WITH OUT Drinking.

I felt better the next morning. Respecting my sons wishes I didn't call. It wasn't about me. As I thought that night. I have grown so much in the last six months. Before I would of called, he would of been pissed off. I would of probably said something to that guy who's b-day it was. But today I don't have to. I'm so much better off. I most live in today, and not look so far ahead i will do much better.

peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

Finding myself

2007-10-30T18:55:00.000-05:00

Its been over 11 months since I last drank anything. But why can I still lust after its tatse and desire it touch on my lips. Its because I'm an alcoholic who keeps the self talk up. This week I'm in Portland Or. I drove thru the mountains on Sun it was great. Sight seeing all the colors against the snowy mts tops. This was some thing I would never do when drinking. I would be like the est of the people here. Heading right to the bar. But for me stopping after on e or two is not possible. I I went out and explored. Looked at nature. Looked at myself who I am today. I am special and loved for whom I am today. I still might be hated by others for who I was in the past, but I still can not make them forgive me, or go back and change what I did.

So Today I sit in a Hotel alone in Orgeon. Knowing that if for any reason I would not be around tommorrow I am comforted in the fact that I did not hurt anyone Today. In fact I could consider myself lucky to make it today. This morning was a bad moring. I started it over and its OK! I didn't drink I didn't beat myself up for wanting a drink last night. Thought of what I needed to do to fix the problem. The problem is that,,,nothing..The old stinking thinking just wanted to point out that i was different,,,So what...

Gotta run... Going for a drive. A drive SOBER in this great city

Peace
hugs and Kisses
Steve

PS...If you beat yourself up, you loose the chance to do something great!!!!

"Don't even think about it!!"

2007-10-21T13:33:00.000-04:00

HAppy Sunday to all. Last weekend I had one of the best weekends in a long time. It started out that it was a good thing that I have a program. I left work early to drive back to pick up my youngest son. It is about 3 hours back up north. She gets done with work 5, so I tried to pick a place to meet close to her. A park and ride about 45 mins south of her house. I thought it was at 51 and either A or Hwy 8. Well it was neither,. But I told her that if she got to Hwy 8 before the park and ride to wait there. Well it was further south by Hwy 86. Anyways 1 1/2 hours later she loaded mins on her cell phone and said she was at Hwy 8 and A at a wayside not 51. Ok I can't control that. It was late Friday by the time we got to Appleton. Sat Morning. We putzzed and did nothing.

Sunday Morning. The Packer Game. My boss gave me 2 tickets, well to my son a few Weeks ago on a Sat. I brought him to work, My boss asked him to put together about 100 flashlights to hand out. So he got some tickets in trade. This would be "A" first Packer Game (Yes I'm a bears Fan". We drove to the Game with the owners of the company. Had breakfast at Brett Farve steak house. Walked up and down the roads looking at the tailgaters. No thoughts of drinking. Just bringing in the flavor of all the steaks, brats, and the recking smell of beer. We went in early, he couldn't believe it. Saw Dale Enhardt JR. We were sitting there about 30 mins to kick off, no one there yet. A lady walked by adn yelled "Ice cold Beer." I stood up, what I stood up,,maybe they have N/A beer. He looked over and Said with though little baby blues. "Don't even think about it Dad!" What I wasn't thinking anything, "Liar". Ok. Made it thru the game. Afterwords My boss invited us to Bretts Steak house again for Dinner. He ordered my son Crab legs, I got ribs, they ended up buying. I sat there thinking about the what if's, what If I had that drink, I wouldn't stop. I wouldn't be sitting here talking and being social. I wouldn't have the chance to thank my son. I wouldn't have this job that I love.

So on the way home I called his mom since we were late really late. To Meet here about 1/2 way this time she was to drive 2 hours, but I felt responsible for getting him back late. On the way I looked over and thanked him and he asked for what? I told him thanks for for the kind words you said. He said you're welcome. Did he really know what I meant? I told him thank-you without you knowing it you saved me. He answered "I know" . "You know, know what?" "Dad when you stood up you wanted that drink, I knew, but you didn't need that." I started to cry he is such a great kid. A smart kid.

In a letter from my wife she told me that only two good things came out of 20years together. He was one of them. That letter hurt, it cut right to the bone. But today, I knew it is true. It was the way I was in the past. Not today. Months ago I would of tried to run back to the bottle to forget that pain. Well Not today. I hurt my family, her family, her friends, but today I walk sober, I might not have them here with me, but I pray someday I pray that they can ALL forgive me. As Far as the my wife forgiving me, Hell would freeze over first, the oldest the cubs would have to win the world series. So there is hope. As far as the my youngest he doesn't remember all the bad, but he remembers enough. I fell that he has already forgave me. As far as me really forgiving myself...It hasn't happened yet, but I get better everyday. Time to get a different song on here this is depressing,,walk a little straighter daddy.

peace hugs and kisses
Steve

Which do I choose TodAAy

2007-10-09T11:26:00.000-04:00

Lately I am reminded of a story of something that happened in rehab. I have been sitting on this brick wall looking down on both sides of that Wall. One side is a life of sobriety, happiness, friends and family. The other side is relapse, a life filled with pain and misery. The option should be clear. The key word is should be. I work my program, someday I work it well other I start to climb down of that wall onto the relapse side. Most of the time there is a hand that reaches down and grabs me, pulls me back onto that wall. But lately I can not move down of that wall onto the sobriety side. I feel that I'm holding that door open for relapse to sneak back up. Maybe this is one of my charter flaws, not having enough faith in myself that I'm doing it. Walking this sober path.

In the morning I'm faced with the decision which way I want to move. I sit there. I could pray, read the big book, call another AA, I could just go drink, but I choose to sit there on that wall looking down at the options. I guess its better to sit there then to fall onto the relapse side. But what if the wind blows strong from the sobriety side and pushes me into the relapse side. What then. Am I strong enough alone to hold on. The answer is no. I feel that I am running on self will again. I feel into a really good group at an AA meeting. I'm doing what my last sponsor told me to do, keep coming back. I need to find a new sponsor down here, but I'm holding out. For what I don't know. Last night at a meeting someone gave the definition of "ism" as it refers to sponsorship. "I'm sponsoring Myself". That's not good. That really hit home last night.

Yesterday was a bad day, but I didn't run to the bottle, the next couple of weeks are going to be rough, I need to crawl down of that wall and surround myself with fellow AA's. With about a dozen emails yesterday my divorce is almost final.. 20 years together, we we solve it with emails. It's like just hitting delete key, BANG the 20 years of your life never existed. WOW that is harsh. I need you right now to hold me from climbing down of that wall onto the other side. I can't go there. I WILL NOT make it back.

This last weekend while packing up my up-north house I was getting pissed about what she hasn't done. My program worked for the most part. I was getting crabby and yelled at my p's. Later I said something about being crabby and hungry, and my mom said that I wasn't crabby, go back and look at what I was like a year ago, Now that was crabby. It's working if I work it. I just need to work it EVERY DAY! Every minute, every second

peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

2007-09-25T20:36:00.000-04:00

First Off. Thanks to many to calling me out again. I need you. I need AA, and most of all I need my HP. I was out of town of the last week. I needed you, i needed AA and I needed my HP. Guess what you all where here. I could picture your words, hear your advice, and I heard your voices ringing in my ears. I was tested at every corner...

It was the National Convention for the company I work for in Chicago. My home stopping grounds. i was scared and nevourous, nothing but work,,,cocktail parties and dinners, and afterwards drinking. There were about 16 people from the the chain of stores that my boss owns, many of which I never meet yet. There 2 hours and off to the Shed Aquirium. Meet at the door with a hand shake and Champgine. I took the hand. one guy went to get drink and asked what I need Diet coke and what else. My answer without a second though ice. I went on like noithing was wrong with me. thinking that was easy. i later reminded myself of whoo I am. Some of the old habbits came back, the old Steve. i laughed, I smiled, I had fun. the kind of person that you all told me that I could be. For the first time ever I could flirt without needing courage from a drink.

the rest of the week went down hill from there. I remeber calling a my high school sweetheart who lives in chicago also. She wasn't home. Left a message " I had to walk out, I'm at the house of blues, and I almost felt like I was normal. It its been almost ten months, I could have just a few and stop." I called the numbers programmed in my phone, no answer. I looked up and prayed, please help me. I gathered myself up and walked back in. I'm not a normal drinker I can't have one and stop. Another 24 hours in the book.

Back up first night. I was at the aquitrium. Phone ring it was my wife, soon to be ex, but I still repsect her, Her words were short and harsh. "There is no easy way of saying this. A*** (the oldest) was arrested for underage driving, drinking and in possion of drugs while doing 83 without a license." I lost it. I ran for the wash room, cried, once again I blamed myself, he had followed my example. I walked back into the room. Front and center, with no line was the open bar. It was there jusst for me. NO Line the only thing that would of made it a perdect dream was a hot blonde behind the bar. I walked with a purpose to that bar, and it wasn't good. I heard your voices, your doing great, this too shall pass, it will solve nothing. I heard Lush's canadian accent, Sober chicks Calf lingo, the words that I have reaad from all of you. I still walked to that Bar, NOW with a purpose a DIET COKE. I looked up and thanked him. I walked back to the table, wondering what to do now about my son. The phone rang again. It was "L" the kid in jail wasn't my son, he just used my sons name, my son was there but not driving. I looked up again and thanked him. I'm glad that I strong enough not to take that drink, I would of wrecked my life over something that was nothing, and over something that I had no control over...

I will finsh later..I need to spend time with my love...ME..before I go thanks for being here for me today I am greatful that you have been here to guide me to this day. 300 days, in my alcoholic mind that equals 10 months!!!!

I love you allllllllllll

steve

who I was!!!!

2007-09-13T22:09:00.000-04:00

Who I was...From page 6 of " A Guide to the 12 steps of AA"

Fourth Step...Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Again we come to a step that requires courage. One of our chief reasons for drinking was to escape from oursleves. we were afraid of our thoughts and knew we could escape from them through alcohol. We were afraid to face the facts. We were afraid of our jobs, afraid of our families, afraid of resposibility. And we were afraid of thinking about them

So having forified ourselves by taking major hurdles embodied in the first three steps, we find the time has come to actually do something definite about our problem. So very much like a bather diving into an icy lake, we plunge into an inventory of oursleves.

And what did we find? We had been dishonest. We have lied. We have cheated. we have broken hearts. We have stolen. We have slandered others. We have let down emlpoyers, friends and families. we have induluged in extra-marital activities. We have cursed God and Man. We have broken faith. We have smashed most of the laws God and Man. In all, we find that we are pretty sorry, miserable individuals. And every one of these facts can be traced back to alcohol.

To continue the inventory, we consider our physical selves, finding that health is impaired, memory is faulty, appearnace is becoming more carless and slovenly, finances are at a low ebb. And having honestly taken oursleves apart we wonder how on earth people have put up with us all this time.

It is a brave act to dissect ourselves thus. But we are fully compensated in the great feeling of satisfaction we experience in having at last squarely faced an issue. No man in his right senses wants to continue in this manner when he finds out what is wrong with him, so we logically come to the fifth step."

This was me. It sounds like a lot of us in the past, that is what it is...The past. I'm having problems lately with acceptance. yes I'm an alcoholic. But still feel I had a choose. If you haven't noticed I haven't come back lately. I'm scared. Scared that this aa stuff works. It does I have a program. The parts that scared me was on the 9 month. it was 10 months since my wife told me it over, she couldn't let herself get hurt anymore. She needed to care for herself, before she was completely gone. Our marriage had been over for years I knew it, drank to forget it. I tried everything to get her to change her mind. Yes this is a honest program,,,I tried everything. begging, crying, hands and knees, cooking dinner, laundry, finishing projects, talk about not living without her. Then i tried something drastic. Stop drinking that would work, she would see that I still loved her. Today i know the truth. i stopped to try to save my marriage, and yes if she came back before I grew I would be back, back to a life I didn't want. I found my bottom, I walk it daily now, slowly recovering. i have a new job, a new lease on life, a new love and a whole new family in AA. I know this is really working, but there is a part of me that wants to hold onto the past. I know that is not an option. I have done things, been places, smelled and tasted foods that I never knew existed. I have a life today with aa and all of you. so why do I find myself scared. Because you know why. i have failed at just about everything in my life. Is this just one more cloud that I'm on, just at the edge of falling off. All I still see is the wreckage. WOW. You know what that means, it just came to me,,,the good of this. I look down and see the wreckage. looking down from a cloud. My words...I'm out of the wreckage I'm above it, maybe surveying what can be saved, what needs repair, and who needs love.

Wow talk about 180 turn around, I'm smiling,,I am doing good today. I'm still here to talk to you, share my story, and most of all here to bug the living crap out of the rest of the world. I need to be on that cloud holding on, because If I slip I will be right back in the shit. I'm going to call my sponsor now..Yes I have been bad...kept lying to him saying everything is great, he is upnorth, going to make some calls this weekend to find a least a temp sponsor, it might be hard to find someone who will accept me for who i am though. Being a Bears fan in Green-Bay WI is rough...Hey I can laugh today also!!!!!

I Love you all

Peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

Hey DMC I found my happy thought.... dream it!!!

Returning to the scene

2007-09-06T21:33:00.000-04:00

WOW..What a couple of days. Still sober today. That's is what counts. I'm still alone and lonely but sober. Well I figured out what was wrong the last couple of days. they till you to play that tape back in your mind the whole tape of your last drunk. Not just what we thought was fun, but the entire thing...So here it is.

It was the second Saturday during deer Gun season, only my two boys and I at the hunting land, her families land. The kids didn't know about the divorce yet. I knew that it would be the last time hunting on the land. I started to drink at noon, packing things up. the kids playing PS2 during lunch, we eat good at deer camp. Neither of them wanted to go hunting that afternoon. It hurt really bad. In 2 hours I managed to drink a case. I stumbled out to my stand, one that was broken, that I feel out of the day before sober. Got up in that stand feeling sorry for myself. Knowing what I felt about my life must be true, that I was worthless, no good and just a drunk. I loaded my gun, said a prayer,,,The lord is my Sheppard, I shall not want,,,I placed the muzzle of the gun in my mouth reached down and pulled the trigger. The drunken idiot that I was forgot to load the chamber. Wouldn't make that mistake again, I was getting could feet know. rigged the gun this time when i lowered it it would go off faceing me...that still didn't work. I cried I couldn't even kill myself. i sat and drank my last can of beer i had with. Stumbled back to the camper, Had my youngest with no license drive us to dinner in town. His mother did this often had to drive. I just then realized I was passing this down to My kids.

After dinner I remember lying down in the snow and looking at the stars so quite and peaceful out. I remember asking for help praying for something I just didn't know what. I awoke awhile later to go inside and play with the kids, the kids that I almost left behind. i wanted to quite but how. I bought another case Sunday night, another Monday Tues night at a town board meeting I was pretty lite, a drank my last drink at 8:54 A guy handed me another across the bar I said NO I was done. Put my jacket on and left,,,oh that beer was in my pocket, just in case. Wednesday I meet with a AODA counselor the following Sunday I meet my new Family in AA for the first time.

Well last Saturday I had to go back to that hunting land to get my camper and tree stands off of it. The memories just rushed back, The thoughts of what I almost did to my family friends and wife. It took me a few days to play that whole tape back in my mind, i did the other night. I needed to. i need to stay sober to live, to love to exist today.

Nine months ago i couldn't cry like I cry know. I just hurt then, and hurt now, but now I have faith that it will get better it has gotten better, and with faith in my HP I will not worry about the what if's. He is here with me, holding me strong. You to are here to guide me..

Peace hugs and kisses
STEVE

All of this misery is refundable

2007-09-04T21:26:00.000-04:00

I think it a whole lot lately. Last week was nine months. Nine long months of this new life, but still I find the door that I never shut opening back up. Last Sunday I was cleaning my garage out, back up north still haven't sold the house yet. I found a can a beer, warm, yes my mind raced I dumped it out, thinking I have my nine in. Getting my chip in the morning, who would know. would I tell anyone. The the one that lied to cover lies to cover lies to cover me up. I so lost in my thoughts that I don;t know if I'm typing or rambling. My computer crashed a couple of weeks ago, that was fine with me, no blogging, no one to save me, stopped goping to meeting, stopped caring about myself again. I relasped and I just haven't had that first drink yet.

I feel like this is day one all over so scared so alone, so empty. I can't help but bet myself up lately. Kids gone, school starting the oldest saying that he is going to choose to live with his mother and not vist. The lawyers trying to get me to throw mud. My up-north sponsor telling me to remeber what I put my wife throw so let her have what see wants. My heart telling me it can't stand the pain, my brain saying run, but to what to where.

I hurt but I know that having a drink isn't going to solve anything. I learned that much in the program I learned to trust, but why can't i call. I need to find a spomsor down here, i need to find a home group, hell i need to pick up a phone list, I need,,,I need,,I need. But all I want is to forget forget what I learned.

No meeting tonight,,,don't have a phone list,,,prayer and mediation is all I have all I need. i need any alcoholic to talk to I need you, I need the newcomer to remind me that it still sucks out there.

peace hugs kisses
Steve

Im going back to look for a few emial address of fellow bloggers for help

Selfish or self-ish

2007-08-19T11:37:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago at a meeting I talked about spending time at the waterfalls in MI. A guy at the tables talked to me after the meeting. We talked about how it made me feel closer to my HP. He is native American, he was saying that in his custom, waterfalls have important piece of lives puzzle. It is the beginning. It washes and cleanses everything to make them new. For many it is the beginning of life. As I sat and wondered about this on a recent trip, (which I'm lucking I didn't slip). I sat by the waters edge and saw pieces of my life get washed away. I am so pissed at myself and this DZ. I saw my kids lives wash away, their smiles, their laughs, those little quirky jokes. My wife all the hurt and pain I caused, just flushed away. I saw my whole life float away. My family and friends, oh that's right what friends. I did what AA says new play things and play places. I have given up being a volunteer firefighter. I will resign from the town board, since I had to move. I have given up so much for this DZ that all I have is an empty void.

My kids are away this week. Soon they will start school. I will see them even less. My oldest is in Texas visiting her side of the family. Is was suppose to fly back and spend this week with me. He wanted to stay. I said yes. Selfish....or shelf-ish. My sponsor harped on my about this. I have been so selfish during my drinking, that maybe it is time to give back. At times I feel I just want a new start. a new life, ok i'll be honest I WANT A FLIPPING DRINK!!!! Soon it will be 9 months, maybe that's why I'm so scared. It was close to day 30 when SC sent me a email saying don't stop for a drink after getting that 30 day chip. Right now that is all that consumes me. Work and life is so stressful, why would I want to add more shit to it by drinking. The thought of this new life of mine with the emptiness I feel is consuming my body. My evil twin is tapping me on the shoulder asking to be let back in.

I hurt so much today after seeing those parts of my life get washed away. Today I do have a choice. Today I choice to let the cleansing waters wash my hurt and pain away. To give life to a better way. There is nothing I can do to change the past. I can not dwell there anymore. Soon my kids will be starting school, I will not be able to be there to see them afterwards and help them with homework, that is what hurts so much, that was my job, one thing I could do good with my boys. I will find something else.

peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

You're Job has been elimanted

2007-07-30T19:35:00.000-04:00

Wow!!! What a way to start a Monday morning meeting. The owners of the Wholesalert hat I work for was here from South Dakota this morning. The meeting started out with that they wanted to nip any rumors in the bud before it became public. The line of furnace that I was hired to be the equipment corridnor, and outside sales for, it was determined that they were dropping the line. My mouth hit the table. Here I am in training, inside sales so i gain the knowledge of how this company operated before I hit the road and promise things that the company can not deliver, would an alcoholic do something like that. Well I was assured that I still have a job. the other line that we carry would be out main line now.

The old Steve would of flown off the handle, yelled, screamed, bitched and then asked what about me. Today with my program i listened waited and asked question calmly. The decision was a business decision, for the good of the company. I would not want to think how I would of reacted if I was still using.

I knew right then i needed a meeting tonight. One starts in 45 mins. I went blog stalking right away. Couldn't post. reached out of a fellow AA in the program. I have come far. Still have a longs way to go, but today, doing it one day at time, just keeping it simple is the best I can do.

Talked to my sponsor Sun am, just like every sun am. He told me to find a local sponsor. one that is close just in case. He asked me about my morning prayer. What morning, been doing it in the evening. "That make sense, Pray for guidance and strentgh after the shit hits the fan. How about asking for courage to face today's challenges? Maybe those challenges could be solved before they are problems." I miss his words of wisdom some days.

Well Go ta run. i have my kids this week. The oldest is flying to Texas for 2 weeks on Sat. So this way I can see them for a week before school starts when he returns. We are mending some fences. Tearning down walls piece by piece. Someday fast, someday slow. but progress

Well once a week is getting better. I will be back soonerrrrrrrrrrrrr. Still missing ya-all.

peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve

The newcomer

2007-07-23T22:01:00.000-04:00

Today I was reminded why it is important for me to go to to meeting. The newcomer. Yes i know at 8 months that's still me, but tonight's meeting there were 3 people there with less than 30 days combined. That was me, that was you, that was us not to long ago. I need meetings, i need the newcomer to remind me that all my misery can be refunded at anytime. Today I awoke alive and sober thats all i have, That is all I need.

It has been to long since I did anything gratitude list.
I'm grateful my HP
I'm grateful for the hands AA
I'm grateful for my family
I'm grateful for my sponsor
I'm grateful for my new family in AA
I'm grateful to discover that I still can't dance
I'm grateful to spend my 1st family function sober, with my grandmother still there to enjoy it
I'm grateful for the newcomer
I'm grateful for all of you that visit my blog, and call be back
I'm grateful for the Loving hands of all of you.

Its been a long time since I really posted. The true raw emotions that consumed this blog in its early days, most of the time I was working thru problems. Today with my problems, I know what to do most of the time, wow does that sound like the promises. Things are still rough getting use to a new life in a new town, but you know what i have something today that i haven't had in a long time. ME. A sober person who is no longer afraid of what might happen, a person that now ,,,ok I won't lie I still don't like change, but i can accept that I can not control its outcome.

I miss all of you. I missed blogging, I missed me. I strayed away, played a little on the dark side, thought I could do this with out meeting, with out talking to a sponsor with out talking to other aa's. I was wrong.

I will be back and keep coming back

love
Peace, hugs and kisses
Steve

I'm back,

2007-07-15T13:24:00.000-04:00

Sorry I have been away for so long. This was not a good thing. I tried to do this on my own. I knoe better than that. I need the hands of aa and you for support. I made it to my first meeting in Appleton since I moved down here. I have had a hard time adjusting to the move from the kids. Teenagers being teenagers. Drunks being drunks. that all i am a drunk, a sober drunk but I'm no different from others. This is going to be short. Kids are here this week. Trying to repair some broken walls with them.

The picture is from the UP of Michigan. This is were I go both in my mind and physically to connect with my hp asking and prayering to do his will not mine.

the other pic is a picture of Sober Steve at his first sober Wedding. Don't worry it wasn't mine. I will be back again. I will keep coming back. I missed you all. i missed My blogger and stalker buds.

peace hugs and kisses

Steve

A Fathers Prayer

2007-06-17T08:33:00.000-04:00

Happy fathers day to all the dads out there. My heart hangs heavy on this day. Not only is this the first fathers day i will be sober. It is the first one alone. This is hard I'm scared. I know that you are not supoose to make majot changes in the first year, but moving is not a a choice it is reality. The thing that confuses me is that today is my anniversy. 18 years ago I held the love of my life in my arms and said forever. Today I just hold those thoughts thats all I have.

I wish I had more time to post. It sun moring. Friday drove home to (northern Wisconsin will always be my home) 512 miles. yesterday I packed up and brought a load to Appleton Wisconsin. 438 miles round trip yesterday. Packed some more this morning. Kids are coming over after my aa meeting this morning. Taking them with to appleton for the week to my new house. I know a knew that needs new memories, good sober memories. I feel empty with every trip I make out of this house.

I missed posating last week. I'm going to get around to say Hi to all this afternoon before i pack pc. not sure when I will get internet down south.

Love to all
peace
hugs and kiises
Steve

Running to or from something?

2007-06-03T22:49:00.000-04:00

Running to or from that is the question. First Thanks Lush for getting me out to play again TodAAy. Yes its been a week since I posted. can't even say I been busy. Been praying to find find gods will not Steve's will.

Went on a job interview last Thurs. Was up all night Wednesday, thinking, and praying, meditating. I was offered the job they are going to get final numbers back and go from there. It would require me to move. One of the big NO-No's in early sobriety. It feels so right, it feels like this a chance to change to grow a chance for all to heal.

Today is June 12. I am sitting in a hotel in Sioux Falls, SD. It is amazing that AA is the same in SD as in Illinois as in Northern Wisconsin We are a bunch of alcoholics trying to trudge our way through. My mind has been racing with doubt and guilt. My says I'm running from but my heart says I'm running to. Through all of this decision making I still feel that this is right. My HP has put so many people in my life for this not to be the wrong decision. Helping me make this decision was the overwhelming faith of others that i could do this. Arriving in SD my suitcase wasn't even put away before i found a meeting. Today i am grateful for the open and loving arms of AA everywhere. I will catch you all up when i return to my new home in Southern Wisconsin.

Peace, hugs and kisses
Steve

TodAAy I am proud of you!

2007-05-28T18:15:00.000-04:00

Dear Sober Steve

I just wanted to stop bye and drop you a note. 180 days ago when we meet you were scared and frightened. You wanted to turn to something, but you didn't know what. you wanted a hand to hold, but who's. You wanted, maybe needed help. A choice was there in front of you. That day you choose, you choose a softer and gentle path to walk. You still could not trust. All you knew is that you were tired. So tired, just sick, just sick and tired of being sick and tired. At 8:54 you made a decision. One that changed the course of history. It could not change the past, but with this you had a future. One with sobriety, one with laughter and one with love.

On November 28, 2006 8:54 pm i was proud of you. You pushed away that last drink. You pushed away a another dose of self medication. By pushing, you allowed me into your life. You allowed another answer. We have been through up and downs, at times you did not even see a future without drinking. You were hurting still not knowing who to trust, you went to AA and asked for help. You walked through those doors scared, shaking, just needing to stop the pain. You sat alone on the couch, alone and ashamed of what you become. Feeling like you sank to the depths of the inhuman, unworthy, unloved existence. They asked for the new comer, you shook, so afraid, shaking, you couldn't talk, but I talked for you. I'm Steve. you sat at your first table. Rick, Patty, Steve, Helen, and ????? all talked about what brought them there. The first step admitting we are powerless. finally you spoke. "My name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic" came fourth. your Birth. You talked, cried, cried, wanting to stop the pain. They told you to read the book, don't drink, read the book, and keep coming back. You did, you needed something they had. they smiled, they laughed, they didn't cry. you wanted that life again. Maybe for the first time. you kept coming back, listening sharing, and finally one day you could share without crying, with out shame, without guilt. It doesn't matter how long it took to get to that day, but It was here. It was your life.

Steve you are so worth saving. so much worth the love I have for you today. Your wife, family friends knew you could do this. you wanted to run so many times. you wanted back to try to self medicate again. We stood by your side and told you that we had faith in you. Your wife was gone, your health became an issue, money problems consumed thoughts, but you stood strong. You stood Sober.

So Today 6 months later you have grown. You have began to trust others. you opened your heart to others, you laugh, you smile, you even have fun. Today you can see a life without using. A life worth saving, a life with love and laughter. You are special. You are loved, and when you feel that you are not, just remember that we will love you when you can not love yourself.

With all my love to you
Steve

2007-05-25T10:45:00.000-04:00

Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."
Our God is an Awesome God! Always know that HE is beside you. In every way on every day.

May peace and Love fill you on this day. May you find the love inside you that your HP has for you. May you walk hand in hand with your HP on this Holiday weekend

Peace to ALL

Steve

Working my program

2007-05-22T14:56:00.000-04:00

Working my program. Last night without saying a word I wasn't working anything. I was just doing what I could to say in the moment. To stay in the day, not the past, not the future. My wife,,,it hurts just to say that,,,and I had a counseling appointment last night. It started out bad and just got worse. With everything happening with the house, she might have to move back in and i would move over to my parents so there would only be one payment a month. The conversion got ugly, her letting go of years of resentment, and hurt. I pulled back into myself, just wanting to get up and run away, run to my friend. I just wanted to be numb again. I cried in front of her like I never cried before. i finally spoke, not words but swords, knives right thru the heart. I yelled you don't want to move back in to our house since you would have to leave the Love shack of yours. In all the years of marriage she was never unfaithful. i accused her of it all the time. Would question why it took over an hour at the store. How come she took a long lunch hour. Now I have more trust for her than I ever have. A little late, a lot to late. i yelled at her because it was a defense I used in the past. i was back to that again. I was shaking, i wanted to run, run fast. The counselor asked what i felt,,,what emotions did i feel. i couldn't talk, she asked what I was doing for Steve, and what I was doing to be safe. The answer scared me.Nothing, nothing at all. i have put all my effort into bringing her back that I failed myself. I have been to busy trying to save the marriage and my kids that I forgot about Steve.

I went to a blog this morning,,kicking my monkey and read about her relapse, and how she was afraid of putting others first before herself. I can not afford to do that. None of us can. Believe it or not Al-anon has helped me worry about me, more than the problems with others. I now have two programs my AA program that I deal with my problems with alcohol, and Al-anon where I deal with the problems of alcohol in loved ones. They both mirror each other, but with Al-anon it really focuses on leaving the guilt aside. Saving yourself. But I will not let saving myself hurt others. Thats my downfall of both programs. I still put her and my kids first. They are my life, my reason for waking daily, My Life.

i know talk to my sponsor..Well thats the other problem i need a new one. i need a new everything. Why can't people just like me be. i don't want to call others. i don't want to go out in the world. i just want to grow and figure out who Steve is TodAAy. I need to get out more, but I am scared of what is beyond these doors. I am doing better about getting out. But could be better, should be better. If its not a meeting or town board Bisiness or Fire call i don't leave. I need a life, I need my life back. i want to feel something other than pain, guilt and a quick glimpse of happiness.

It is almost 80 outside, i cut the grass for the first time in years without a drink in my hand. thats says a lot. I am working my program todAAy. i just need to keep the evil twin off my shoulder. Keep all of you with my thoughts and prayers. I need to keep in my mind that my HP has a sense of humor, by slapping me in the face when i lose focus. i need to remember him riding up on his Harley and saying "I love you Steve, just in case no one told you today, i Love you!"

peace
Steve

King Baby

2007-05-21T08:25:00.000-04:00

Its a new day. A new 24 hours. Look I decided to come out and play todAAy. Yes its because I have kids I have a purpose to be here today. I feel so much like a part of society when I am a father. I still try to be the husband but get pushed away. Thats ok, I have pushed them away for years. Last week in a counseling session with my son he made a comment,,,giant slap in the face. "What family, he has pushed us all away." and later "I liked him better when he was drinking." It hurt, hurt a lot, but as for the last comment, he doesn't like it because now I remember what I told him to do. Now I want to part of their lives. Now i ask them for help. I know it will take time for them to let me back in their lives. It is toooooo late for my wife to let me in, well its never to late, but there is a pile of hurt to overcome there. If I just keep on keeping on and keep being sober Steve things will get better.

One thing I rehab in rehab was about the "King Baby"
In this pamphlet, we learn to identify the infantile King Baby ego within us. Our Childish personality traits must be surrendered before our disease can be fully arrested. the compulsive King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse....

King babies share a wide range of personality traits. None of us has all these traits, but we will probably find many that describe us. King Babies may show these Characteristics.

Often become angry or afraid of authority figures and will attempt to work them against each other in order to get their own way
seek approval and frequently lose their own identities in the process
able to make good first impression but unable to follow through
have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized
have addictive personalities and are driven to extremes
are often immobilized by anger and frustration and are rarely satisfied
are usually lonely even when surrounded by people
are chronic complainers who blame others for what is wrong in their lives
feel unappreciated and think they don't fit
see the world as a jungle filled with selfish people who aren't there for them
see everything as a catastrophe, a life or death satiation
judge life in absolutes: black and white, right and wrong
live in the past, fearful of the future
have strong feeling of dependence and exaggerated fears of abandonment
fear failure and rejections and don't try new things that they might not do well
are obsessed with money and material things
dream big plans and schemes and have little ability to make them happen
cannot tolerate illness in themselves or others
prefer to charm superiors and intimidate subordinates
believe rules and laws are for others, not for themselves
often become addicted to excitement, life in the fast lane
hold emotional pain within and lose touch with their feelings

If this was a test to see if I am an alcoholic I would pass with flying colors. It goes on to say how we change these patterns into something good. Gives us a feeling of self worth. Turn these traits over to our HP and let him. For me knowing what drives my ego help me better keep it in check.

The inner Struggle

Understanding King baby is difficult because things are never as they appear on the surface. There are two prime motivating factors: First, the scared, lonely, child who does not want to be hurt anymore and , second, the king Baby who is never satisfied.

I am reminded of the tale of two wolves right now. Which ever one you feed will grow stronger. So taking this list of defects I''m going to go out todAAy and make a difference in the world. I'm going to arrest the defects and be free of them for TodAAy.

peace

Steve

What I have Learned

2007-05-15T13:57:00.000-04:00

167 days of sobriety. Boy I have learned much about myself and this DZ. I have grown in so many ways. I have allowed God into my life. I have allowed everybody into my soul. I have allowed myself to forgive. It is a fact that i cannot change the past, and that i cannot shut the door on it. Part of me wants to close that door to forget the hurt and pain that I caused, the pain and suffering that my wife went thru. Today I know that I can only claim my part. I can only clean my side of the street. It still doesn't make it any easier. 164 days ago While searching for answers on AA web site I found a list of sober bloggers. I found my saving Angel. The withdraws were great I couldn't imagine 24 hours when I couldn't live thru 24 seconds. I quit on my own. no AA, no treatment center no support. But on Day Three I found Sober Chick. She saved me. Ran to the computer every morning to see what see said. Starting blog stalking, leaving comments, you people are nuts went thru my mind several thousand times. How do you think this is going to pass, you don't know what I'm going thru...etc around the first week Scout posted a comment on SC blog about me starting my own, and how it would help. i kept writing, e-mailing post to SC and keeping them.

On Dec 31, 2006 Sober Steve appeared here before your eyes. You have seen me grow, seen the hurt and raw emotions I go thru daily. You all said get a sponsor, goto meetings, listen and no matter what when I see that sign that says Think, Think, think. Just remember that sign is not for me. My life is unraveling in front of you right now. Served with Divorce papers, kids running away from home over drugs. Losing my job. Recently getting foreclosure paperwork on the house. But I didn't run away this time. I cried and thought, thought of the positive. Looked hard to find a bright side. I did see some light, I saw a path, a sober path, a unknown path, but I am not scared to walk down this path. Since I know that I have all of you here to guide me. Hold me up. To love me when I can not love myself. To find the good in every bad thing that happens.

I did find hope in AA. I found love around the tables. I found myself in my heart. I found that no matter what happens, nothing is worth picking up that first drink over. Soon God willing I will have 6 months of sobriety. We will stand back and say do you remember when that Scared Steve didn't trust us, didn't think he was worth saving, look at him now. I do feel better about things when I think them thru. I feel human now. i feel like I am special and worth saving. I feel loved, and most of all I am here for the newcomer.

peace
Steve

Very Lonely

2007-05-11T08:40:00.000-04:00

Morning all. Where do i start in the mush brain of mine. Tho I feel Lonely I know that I am not alone. I have the have hands off aa, your thoughts and prayers, and most of all I have a HP. Today for the first time I wish that I could just plug the zip drive into my head, and download here. My mind wonders this morning, hard to stay on one subject. My head wants to feel something besides pain, my heart is longing to feel serenity, my body is just aching from the unknown. I was warned that in early sobriety it is a roller coaster ride which implies there are ups. All I feel is the downs,,down,,,down...The ups are there, I just focus on the downs. The ups are the things on my Daily gratitude list. It is that skinny bony little boy that almost missed the bus. It is the troubled teenager that thinks that drugs is his only friend. It is the fact that even if my wife does want a divorce we can still talk. It is the fact my mother will spend another mothers day with her mother in Chicago before coming home from FL. It is all the phone calls I got back on Tues and Wed when my world was falling apart. Ten mins ago I could and you could only see the downs on this ride. I hurt so much that its all i feel some days. But today i choose to feel life. A clean and sober life. One with love and Joy. friends and family to hold me. And most important a life with coffee, brb.......

My son went to a counseling apt. yesterday. He didn't run out, but not happy about it. All in all it went well. He is hurting so bad, he thinks that the only way to find happiness is thru drugs. He is cutting now. Last night after the session, my wife came over here. We spent some time together, showing the boys that we always don't fight, and that things will settle down.

Sat morning now. I'm not going to go into the giant tail of woeeee about money. But yesterday I got one of those certified letters. Notice of default on the house. The house was already in foreclosure. We restructured the loan, with the condition not to be late any more payments, and we are paying a 1 1/2 payments a month. Well Last months payment was 8 days late. We have until the 18th to come up with with the entire amount to bring us current and along with June payment. I made the comment yesterday, that I have been buying new shoes just so the other one could fall. But everyday even though the other shoe may have fallen, I put on another. I got up this morning to figure this out. I am facing the facts, not drowning them away like the old days. I am sober and I know that drinking will not make the mortgage payment, medical bill, put food on the table pay for a lawyer,,,,etc the rest of everyday bills....

Have a great weekend...
Peace
Steve

PS... Stop by and leave Wagon Rider congrads on 5 months of CLEAN and SOBER time, and of course his wife "estranged wife" for all of her support for J****. the are listed on my links. And congrads to all for another 24 hours...

Feeling ....

2007-05-10T11:25:00.000-04:00

Feelings...I least I know if I am crying I still have feelings. First my son is home. sleept outside all night in the rain, and then went to school. The school cop called me...

Back to feelings. Last night at a meeting we talked about the 9th step.Made direct amends...One person said something that was like a slap across the face. Making those amends to myself. Thats seems like the hardest. I'm losing everything around me due to this DZ and my lack of power over it for years. I I know now that I have turned it over...At times i agree with my wife I had a choose to stop drinking whenever i wanted. The dz was stronger than me, still is. I look at my wedding band and know how strong this DZ is. Just looking at that has kept me sober. Knowing what I have lost to Alcohol. losing my son to another addiction. As Scott usually writes "Keep on Keeping on" that's all I can do today, just keep on keepin on. Stay in the day...Don't pick up that first drink..This to shall pass...

There is a guy that I see every now and then at meetings. Big Biker dude. think he was a shrink in his past life. Some of the things he says makes me wonder is it is god under that leather. He was at a table with me last night After I shared and we closed the meeting he walked up to me and said just in case no one told you today.."Steve I love you" and gave me a hug. It felt like the entire hands of AA were holding me then. And they were

Today ....
I'm grateful for the hands of AA
I'm grateful for my son being home safe and sound
I'm grateful to be sober
I'm grateful for an understanding family
I'm grateful for some much in my life today
I'm grateful that it is 80 outside
I'm grateful that I'm going outside

Sorry I have a boat to get ready for a hot date with boys......

Steve

I am grateful that my niece showed my mom how to find this blog. Thinking about this saddens me how she has to read this, to find out how I am really doing. Everybody reading my blog really knows how I am doing, just taking it by the minute, some days the second. I don't think I have told my family exactly how I am feeling. Still trying to be that reslient kid everybody thinks I am. I'm not and never had been, holding it in all these years, drinking to forget. but today i don't have to do that anymore. It hurts, but thats ok to hurt and its ok to cry, its ok to so emtion this is something I never allowed myself to show to others, and is hard for me to do that yet.

peace again

Warning Floor disappears w/o warning

2007-05-08T23:48:00.000-04:00

Just when I thought things could not get much worse they do. Now official estranged wife wrote me a letter to tell me that she filled for divorce. We have been talking and crying together. Making progress, I thought that we still had a long way to go but we were moving forward. Boy did I get blind sided again.

Its 3 am now. My son didn't take the news really good. By the time my wife finally called back from her busy schedule, my youngest talked to her, I went into the oldest room to find him smoking pot again. i told him he was done. Once he talked to his mother I was calling the police. By the time the youngest got off the phone the oldest ran away. That was at ten pm. Its raining outside now. He has texted a few times, but refuses to come home and refuses any help of any kind. My wife won't come home from her meeting either. I was hurt early now I really am, this is about her child, and still her job has to come first.

Please say a pray for him tonight. Say a pray for my wife tonight. As have as for me My hp is with now. He sent my youngest child home sick from school today to be with me after the news. he his sound asleep in my bed. He saved me from being alone today. He saved me from drinking today. ok yesterday.

peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

2007-05-08T12:26:00.000-04:00

This morning after the kids got themselves out the door I went and laid back down in bed, just for an hour I thought. 4 hours Later I went to visit Lush and read the daily reflection, I did have my book in hand just in case she didn't post this morning. Anyways I was sitting there and starting to think about idle hands, idle minds. Thought about how quickly those tools can get turned over for evil if we let them. I let my mind wonder. While in rehab. I remember while in rehab just opening my bible and reading a page and reflecting on it. This morning i was thinking about just that, idle hands are the devils play ground.

So this morning no pity parties not sleeping in all day. This hands are going to be used to do Gods Work. And God wants we to take my kids this fishing, (I hope he doesn't mind me putting words into his mouth today). I picked my boat up out of storage yesterday. The reminder of the difference in time. Empty beer cans all over it. But today I'm going to get it ready for this weekend. Both kids want to go. They are arguing about were to go, but they both want to go. I'm just happy that the oldest still wants to do things with me even though he has had some pretty stiff results from his drug use. So this morning these ideal hands are sipping coffee at noon. Cleaning up the kitchen, and going outside to start preparing the boat for a fishing trip for three special boys. The biggest boy is called Sober Steve.

i am a little scared, fishing is one of the play things that i worry about. I did go ice fishing a few times this winter without drinking, but this is going to be hard for me. When I drank i was not a bar fly. I drank at home or found reasons to drink outside with others. fishing and hunting was one of those reasons. I never drank while hunting, but afterwards watch out. Fishing, it was always a joke to see when i would spill my first beer.

I did start to build a base though the last two years the kids and I did a fathers day weekend fishing tournament. One of the rules was not alcohol in the boats. I never did drink during contest hours, so i know that it can be done. I know that I can do it.

Today I'm grateful to have courage over my DZ, and that I know that I do not have to walk this walk alone. For me this is going to be a long week. My parents are in IL by the rest of my family 300 miles away, slowly making their way back to WI from FL. My parents saw me early in my recovery, I have not seen them since mid Dec. And I was 50 pounds heavier, and a hole lot more scared than I am today.

Tonight I think I'm going to try to open that bible again and find that story about idle hands...If i can't find that maybe I'll look up some fishing stories. Lord know a good fisherman never doesn't like to hear about a good fish tale...

peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve

Missing Sober Steve

2007-05-07T07:00:00.000-04:00

Last week I didn't feel like blogging, Feel like talking or sharing, but I went on. I was once again feeling like that dry drunk. I don't like that feeeling. Its not me, and not healthy for me either. So I wanted to start this week off right. Its 6am and I'm up, well to be honest I didn't sleep at all last night 15-20 mins at a crack than up for 2-3 hours doze off and awake again. So much going thru my mind. This week I'm setting some goals for me. I need to reach out to people in the program more. I need to be in AA not around it. I need to get more involved in Al-alon to help me deal with my wife and son. Yes last night I went to an Al-alon meeeting and my youngest went to a Al-teen meeting. They didn't beat me either for being the alcoholic. I know its the same steps for both programs, but last week at an open speaker meeting I won a al-alon daily reflection book, and it has helped to put things inperspective about them, ok about us. I just want to say that my wife is really not an Alcoholic, i think that she does drink to much now. i think that it is a problem that she still choices to drink even with what alcohol has done to this family and continues to do to it daily.

This is going to be a busy week so I can not loose focus on me. I have the kids this week so that should help a lot with my isolation. I never last the house last week. Sleep way to late everyday. wouldn't answer the phone. I can't do that this week. Little goals daily. I'm going to blog and share more this week. Yes Ellie even some funny stories about my week. I can have fun, and that's ok to feel good about myself. I need to allow myself that feeling of joy in my life. I need to get up in the morning go to the mirror and tell myself that I am worth it. I am worth that first breath of air. I am special. I didn't feel that at all last week and it showed. I cared myself that way all week.

So today I'm grateful to be alive
Today I'm grateful for the Hands of AA
Today I'm grateful for my sober blog partners
Today I'm grateful for my HP
Today I'm grateful for the chance to wake my boys up for school
Today I'm grateful to be me
Today I'm grateful for meetings
Today I'm grateful that I have a program of recovery

Wow Posted by 6:30 am what a difference a week makes. One thing I did do a lot of last week was write in my mind. Read a lot of my journal from rehab. I missed that Steve that spoke such truth in words. that's the Steve i want back here. Once again a little to late, but I wrote my wife a beautiful poem for mothers day. I have one going in the confines of my head right now for all mothers here in recovery or just visiting. My alcoholic mind will probably post that next Monday,,,lol

Have a Great Monday
Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Today I choose...

2007-05-05T16:57:00.000-04:00

Today I choose not to pick up that first drink.
Today I choose to be a sober Father
Today I choose to be here for another alcoholic
Today I choose to let my HP run my life
Today I choose to make it all about Steve
Today I choose to be ME.

peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve

Coffee anyone?

2007-05-02T14:16:00.001-04:00

Good morning its the un-godly hour of 1:30 pm. And I just started my first pot of coffee. Yes I know get my ass up and moving. Isolation is not good. I know,, I know,,I know, but I still do it. So back to coffee. If you want any go get it yourself, this is my program....lol..Oh I forgot this is also an honest program. I seem to have problem with coffee lately. My HP want me to get back or something. Sit back and enjoy this over you favorite flavor of coffee.

The time is about 6pm Thurs night. Sober Steve is busy trying to get the carpeting put down in his bedroom, so he can once again now the freedom of sleeping in a bed. His youngest son, the one who pic has visited this blog before, the one if he was the first child would of bin the only child. the child with a smile that makes you forget why you are mad at him. Steve goes to make coffee, the new goodwill coffee pot seems to spill on the counter when you fill it so lately Steve is using a water picture to fill. Be the true alcoholic that Steve is he is doing 20 things at once and the water picture overflows out the spout across the counter, all over the floor and stove. "Oh shi*" Steve yells. Gets the mop out, and cleans up the mess. No one was injured, its ok he thinks.

About an hour passes and Sober carpet laying Steve asks said child to go and get him a cup of coffee. "A" being the U.N. child is more than happy to help his father. He comes back with a cup and hands it to me with a devilish grin. Steve reaches for the comes and asks why it is empty. "A" tells his dad, "If you want coffee next time how about you use some water for it." Steve jumps over the carpet and chases the child around the house till he is trapped and gives him the water. So lets try this again Steve thinks. I will be smarter this time he says. Uses the coffee to fill it, spills water again, but picks it up. Goes back to the carpet detail, smells the coffee about 45 mins later. No child to fetch it this time. He goes and gets it himself. "Oh shi*, what else can go wrong with this simple task tonight."

For this time When Sober (dying for a cup of coffee) Steve tried this time he never put the pot under the maker. It has that stopper thing a magiggy that stops the coffee till the pot is under it. Well it made 12 cups of coffee the filter holds about 3, so yes you guessed it the rest of the coffeee and grounds all over the counter, stove and floor. I big fricking mess for Steve to pick up, but he laughed, said child came by and laughed, and the two of them went and sat on the couch and laughed and watched TV.

So today I look back and reflect about how far I have come in this program. At first I thought about how using using the steps and the program of AA helped me with this one. Well it is evident that my HP didn't think I needed anymore coffee. I didn't get mad and blame anyone else. I didn't get made and throw things. I realized that I made a mistake, I'm human and I forgave myself. things happen, drunk or sober, some good some bad, but nothing is really worth picking up that first drink over. The most important thing i did about that whole thing was the ending, sit down and enjoy my sons company, not working with him but sharing my time with him. Enjoy the little things in life they may end up to be the biggest thing in your life todAAy.

Peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve

PS. This was not my first post for today. I delted the first one saying that I didn't feel like posting, because all I can do lately isolacte and kick myself,,,,etc,,bad day

just todays reading in a book someone gave me "Daily Meditiation Is for MEN"
We've had problems in our lives with limits. We have done some things to excess and others we have endlessly postponed. Sometimes we haven't had good judgement about what we ought to tell someone or whom we ought to tell. We may have kept secerts that made us lonely and sick. other times we exposed too much inappropiate situations and hurt someone else or ourselves. Developing these internal limits is a quiet change that comes with recovery. Gradually, we gain a stronger feeling of self-respect and become more intuitive about when to express something and when not to.

Secerts are links in our chains of bondage toisolation, addiction, and codependency. Yet, when we are compelled to tell everything, we lack feeling of self containment that comes from maturity. We need a sense of privacy which is the freedom to choose what and when to confide in a friend. What does our intution tell us today about our privacy and our openness?
Today ... I will Listen to my inner messages about what i need to discuss with others and when I need to withhold

I'm Grateful...

2007-04-28T07:57:00.000-04:00

Morning ya all. Instead of funk happening, its hill billy twang. I feel really good this morning. Its 7 am and I'm out of bed and moving around. 4 hours of sleep, probably because I didn't get up yesterday till 5 pm. I am allowing to much time for that depression to sneak back up. One reason I think I feel is that I stood up for myself with my wife. We were suppose to come up with boundaries, she came up with some good ones. Me I felt the best boundary I had for her was none. She lived by my will for 17 years. She would only do what I do her to do, and when. By her working her program, and me not being good to Steve, It allowed her to walk all over me. I stopped last night. No more. I am worth it, I'm not a piece of shit like she wants to treat me. For weeks I told I her that I didn't want the kids this weekend. This was my weekend for turkey hunting down south. It was another home show for her. Well I wasn't invited turkey at her uncles since we a separated. So she assumed that I would take the kids. Thurs during an 1 1/2 hour fight I told her I wasn't taking the kids Friday night, and Sun I'm going to a trap shot, open speaker meeting Sat. Last night was the group that I really don't like meeting. Home group night. They meet twice a week in town so i thought about trying them for a home group. Coffee afterwards at Perkins. Well guess what I caved in and took the kids. the oldest is not being left alone for longer than an hour right now. So no home group coffee after the meeting last. Why, so she could stay after her home show and drink, oh they call it networking. This week I started to stand up for myself, last night when she got home and I called her, she tried again, and no I'm done with being used as a floor mat.

I screwed up before. I wasn't the best husband or father that I could be. That was yesterday. All I have is today. Today I choose to be the best father, and separated husband that I can be. Today even though she thinks other wise I'm special and loved. I'm not the piece of shit that she makes me out to be. I know that it is pain and anger talking with her, but I need not take it.

Have a great Saturday. Get out and enjoy the day.

I'm grateful for the Sunshine
I'm grateful for DMC listening to my babbling last night
I'm grateful for my HP never turning away
I'm grateful for my boys being here last night
I'm grateful for 150 days of sobriety, 5 months!!!
I'm grateful for high speed Internet
I'm grateful to be blessed with understanding blogging peeps
I'm grateful,,,God has a sense of humor,,its raining outside
I'm grateful that it is not my job to make it rain or not
I'm grateful that I have found a back bone again
I'm grateful that I did this list again without coffee yet
I'm grateful that it one more closer to see my parents
I'm grateful for the program of A.A.
I'm grateful that you don't need a passport to talk to an AA in Canada
I'm grateful for Koninia treatment center
I'm just grateful today of the air that i breath , the ground I walk on, and sky above my head.

peace
Steve

Should of posted this earlier. Its 2 this afternoon. Everything i learned about being humble, and being patient. Went out the window this morning. My wife took of the gloves and world war started here. I wouldn't back down from wanting here to at least say thanks for watching the kids last night, and changing my plans again so she could get what she wanted. She showed up to pick them up. Told her i now have them today. Lots of words, then she thru her ring at me. The good thing is that I didn't drink. i can not control her. My son told her that it bothers him that she still drinks. Maybe hearing it from him will help.

I am grateful that She has a HP also
I am grateful that she is alive
I am grateful that I still love her, no matter what
I am grateful that there is hope for her

We don't get to choice when

2007-04-26T22:49:00.000-04:00

"You don't get to choose when its time to be a parent. You choose if you want to be a parent and stick with it. I will bail your ass out this time. But if you allow him back in this house. you deal with the good as well as the bad. Or don't be a parent. Just because you are now Sober Steve doesn't give you the right to show up now and be a father. you lost that right a long time ago. Now earn it back!!!!"

Some pretty strong words from my wife last night when she picked up my son. i did tell him I couldn't have anyone using around me right now. Told him that i loved him, but this is a sober house and he broke the rules again. He had to leave. that was by far the hardest thing that I have ever done. The hardest thing I ever said. The next hardest was hearing those words from my wife. I have never heard more thruth in my entire life. Today I am sober, that does not make up for the time i lost with him. Today i am being the best that I can be. that does not repair all the hurt and anger caused during my using. i can only promise that today i will be a sober father. The best sober father filled with love that I can be. I can only lead by example. in time I hope that he can forgive me for the lost ime in his life.

Last night was rough went to my AODA group meeting at five. by the time it was my turn, watch out flood gates opened. Talked about my sister, my son, and yes i talked about GOD. And how I turned my back on him during my using, but is still here for me today. Was always here. talked for 45 mins real raw emotions. I cried like i never cried before. It felt good to flush out the pain. allow new growth in my heart. With a few phone calls after group I got a crisis bed at the rehab center I went to. i went to a safe place last night. I went home in a sense. This morning I did have a whole new look on things. It was hard to do what i did, but my son has had chances, and still choice to use in my home. i didn't look the other way this time. I stood up for myself and yes him. No guilt or shame feeling this morning. Sat in a few groups and talked and talked. Had a 1-1 with a retired priest that is on staff there. He lost his job because of his drinking, he still serves God, just now in rehab instead of a church, God is everywhere. i feel great

My son is here, we are talking. It is small steps. I can't a not allow anything to effect my sobriety, but that really doesn't mean that I have to turn my back completely on him.

Thanks for the prayers, they worked. I am going to go sit and talk to my boys some more tonight. I going to hug them goodnight like they have never been hugged. As my sponsor told me tonight. I have to give them all my love today, because there is no guarantee that i will have a tomorrow.

Peace
Hugs kisses
A Lot of LOVE to you all

Steve, the one that choose to be a father during the good and bad!!

Dedicated to the one I Love

2007-04-25T10:58:00.000-04:00

I'm going to try to get thru this post. I said for a couple of weeks that I have been in a Funk lately. So much has gone wrong in my life. Every time I feel that I can not loose anymore something else is taken away. For every step i take forward I fall three backwards. I'm not sure how much sense I'm even making right now. Last night i wrote a pretty dark blog post. Wrote another one later trying to get to the root of my problem lately. I have lost so much to this DZ that I am willing to go out and start drinking again. Why. Cunning baffling powerful. Yes its all that, but I just want to forget. Forget the hurt the pain, the misery.

Here's what I have figured out last night. My pain started all over again a couple of weeks ago. Friday the 13th. No its not an old wives tale. It is a day that Satan rules my family. I left the back door open and Satan appeared in my heart, and is making residents there again. My older sister Sandy was born on Friday the 13th. At age 7 was diagnosed with leukemia on Friday the 13th. Died on a Friday the 11th. There are more things that happened to her and my parents on those Fridays, but you get the drift. For years my mom never went anywhere on that day. Wouldn't travel, drive work. For years I never understood. When i started to understand all I could feel was pain and anger. I was 2 years old the only memory I have is carrying soup upstairs to her, and yes spilled it all over her. My mom was pregnant with my little sister at the time. Needless to say she is spoiled.

For years once I grew older my anger grew deeper. How could this god take my my sister. cause this hurt, take a child in her youth. i brought this up in fourth step 37 years of resentment. It hasn't helped. The hate and anger is still there. It is hard for me to pray without resentment . Still find myself asking why,,,why,,why. She was taken before i even got a chance to know her. For years I promised myself my first daughter was to be named after her. Sandra Lynn. Well that god of mine didn't like that plan, he gave me two beautiful boys that I wouldn't trade for the world. So today all i have is hate and anger again. Friday the 13th in April her Birthday.

Funny my boss called me in to talk to him on that day. i thought maybe I was going to get my job back. My brother asked why I didn't wait till Monday to go. Well no job back, and they are fighting my unemployment. Caulk up to another loss to Friday 13th. i know that life is still life sober, and i will have bad days. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm just tired now, tired of fighting everything. Fighting to save myself, wife, kids.

Thats the next issue. In rehab the stressed the point to stay away from using people friends, and even family. My soberity most come first at any cost. This weighs heavy on my heart. My wife still drinks, but not that much anymore. The killer is my son. he traded his ADHD meds for some pot again. At 11pm i went into his room and he was stoned. I told him when he got caught smoking pot on our trip to Chicago that I couldn't have that around me. This was to be a sober house. So now tonight I have to tell him that I love him but he can not live here anymore. Its not fair that I get myself back for this family now i have to turn my back on him. I'm not sure i can do this. I Stopped and bought a bottle the other day to give me strength. How stupid is that.

So Sandy i know that you look over me, watch over my family. please help, not for me I have wasted my entire life, he is still young. Please help him go over and grab God and help this young man. Turn him around so he does not follow down my path. Give me strength to stand strong tonight. help me for another 24 hours.

peace
Hugs and Kisses
your little brother
Steve

Just hanging ON

2007-04-24T23:17:00.000-04:00

This is how I have been feeling the last couple of weeks. Just hanging on. But I am hanging on though. This is a skyscraper in Chicago he is up about 70 floors. I have been working on a couple of issues lately. Once I get them figured out I will be back, I need to work through them on my own without blogging. Its not that I don't want you all to know, but i need to figure this out on my own first, before throwing you some ideas.

I have been posting and deleting trying to get to the root of the problem. Part of the problem is that I went and stopped and bought a bottle the other night. I was ready to do the stupidest thing I could. The problem isn't about my wife either, thats doesn't help things, but its much deeper than her. I know that there is nothing that drinking will make better. I'm learning. I did pick up that phone today and it helped. Needed a meeting today though. missed two of them. Going to stop by the treatment center tomorrow.

peace

Hugs and kisses

Steve

2007-04-23T13:42:00.000-04:00

I should be picking up the phone or going to a meeting. I'm in that funk mood again. I had a great weekend. Didn't get everything done that I wanted to, but thats ok. Room is really starting to look good. ...

I'm not sure if I want this anymore. Sobriety that is. I know that if I start drinking again i know where I will be. Last night I caught the tail end of Bruce Almighty, where he lost his girlfriend and was talking to god. God told him to pray to really pray for what he wanted. It sounded so much like me praying for my wife. "All I want is for her to be happy, for years she has stood by my side as I turned my back on her. She has waited so long for me to return, that all she can feel is pain. God all I ask for is that she is happy, and if that means it is without me, let it be. I Love her that much, that her happiness is all that is important to me" well that might not be exactly how it was said in the movie, but sure is what I say. My oldest son came out when that part was on and saw me crying gave me a pat on the shoulder and said its ok. For him and I that was huge. All I want is happiness again.

I LOVE HER and hate myself, and I think drinking will solve that. It will surely make me loose any progress that I have made in my life. I know that this will pass, have faith. I do. I need to get out of the house and do something. I'm really bummed that I cannot go turkey hunting this week. Since we are separated I'm not invited down by her uncle to hunt this week, it hurts, not even invited to brothers son first communion this weekend either. Her parents didn't even give me a B-day card. there i go BO-who, poor Steve. I just feel like crap today. Part of it is painting. I always go sick whenever we painted. My wife would blame it on how much I drank, combined with the fumes. Well guess what, no beer last yesterday, and i was still sick. Its the paint. Well it helped to vent today. I need to finish my room, curtains got here today, couple of walls left to paint, and carpet to go down. My wife stopped and saw it yesterday, was she shocked loved the color on the back wall behind the bed She says barn red I call cranberry the other walls are off white, the curtains on the opposite match the red color. I just wish that her stuff could go back up in here when I put the room together again. enough of that.

God thank you for another 24 hours and please give me the strength to resit today.

Progress

2007-04-19T13:54:00.000-04:00

Progress for Today, so maybe I did set a goal for me today. No blogging till I cleaned my room and cleared of the bed. Its a king size bed, there was just enough room for me to lie down if I rolled I rolled off. I guess it was my way to be safe, so I didn't realize that I was there alone. I have been busy until yesterday 19 days, 21 meetings. I blew one off last night to go to a meeting with my father-in-law about improving hunting lands. Slept in this morning and missed another, but i am working on Steve. Doing things for Steve. Saying things to my wife about my feelings that piss her off, but i can't just sit back and get walked on any more. Progress!!!

The picture is me getting sworn in at the town hall after winning the election for town board supervisor. My youngest son, who looks thrilled, is holding my new bible that I got while in rehab. "I Steven P. Gr..... do swear to support and defend the Constitution of the United States and the State of Wisconsin...." WOW talk about Progress. Campaigned from Rehab..lol

I ordered curtains for two rooms, and ordered carpeting for the master bedroom. finished putting trim up in the sun-room and finished the Living room. Called a friend up and invited her and her kids and neighbor (who is an interior decorator) to take a road trip this weekend and give me some ideas, or else there will be dead animals on every wall. lol. I'm a big hunter and fisherman. It one o'clock and I'm almost done with cleaning and laundry. Progress!!! I sat in the hot tub last night and relaxed. looks up at the stars through the sky lights and was amazed on how little we really are. sat there for a reflected on the person I want to be. The person that I am turning into right before your eyes. I feel great about this person. Not only did I loose the alcohol induced person, but he took just about 55 pounds with him. I need all new clothes, since they are falling off me. Progress!!!!!

Tonight when my boys get here I'm taking them to Rhinelander shopping about 30 miles away. I would never leave so late in the day before. Because I would of had to much to drink by 4 pm to drive that far, shop and come home again. I am going shopping for clothes for them, not me,,progress!!!!!!

I am going to another resume' writing class in the morning to tweak the final copy to send out. Although I love to blog and chat to all of you, it doesn't pay rather well. I will be careful though about doing to much to soon. Steve does come first. Progress again.

So if any of you are bored this weekend, feel free to drop on by. I have plenty of paint brushes and things to do. Sorry this all about Steve so not pink rooms or "pretty" curtains. And not all of my dead animals are going downstairs to the Basement. Progress I said that some could,,,lol!!

Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

What time is it.

2007-04-18T08:43:00.000-04:00

Good Morning. It's 7:45 and I'm out of bed, showered and shaved. Morning cup of coffee. Still have daily mediation to do, but I'm up and moving. I had a great evening yesterday. i will stop back and update you all later. It was some 12 step work of sorts. An AODA forum about teenage alcohol and cig. use in the community. And what could the community do to stop or curb it. As an addict I brought some great ideas out. An Irish friend of Bills said she lives for service. I see why. Goto run for now, will post later. Going to a resume writing class at the job center this morning

Ok I'm Back in more ways than one. I have been in a funk the last couple of days. So much happening in my world I just couldn't put my finger on it. This song means so much to me. "God is Great, and sometimes life is not good... You can love a person with all your heart for all the right reasons, and they can choose to walk away. Love them anyways" That is two fold for me, i love my wife with all my heart, and it just tears me apart to know the "what if's". All I can really do is to love her anyways. For years it seemed like there was no reason for God to love. So many things I have wronged him. Sinned against him and his word. But still he loved me anyways, no matter what I did. His out stretched hands were never pulled away. I may have pulled away, but he never withdraw his love.

I have for the last couple of days been living on that pity pot. Not blogging. Feeling like all I was doing is whining and spreading disappear instead of the message of AA. That there is hope and things will and do get better. They do and I know that. I'm living that today I was living that yesterday I just choose not to believe it. I didn't drink. Sometimes that is all the hope I should need, not some big miracle. I didn't drink todAAy. Its been 140 24 hours now, I am proud of that. What a message is that.

Ellie sent me some Bible passages. The funny thing is that before rehab i didn't even own a bible. I never knew how to find things in it. The only bible versus I could remember was the 23 Psalm. I wanted that at my funeral. Several months ago, I tried to say it as I was attempting suicide I couldn't remember the words, couldn't find a bible in my hospitals room, found one later. So now I know what and how to look things up in the bible, gone to a bible study class. Pray, still not as much as I should, but its progress not perfection. I know that even thinking about suicide is a sin, never less the outcome.

God does have more in store for me, more to be reviled later. Maybe last night when I introduced myself to a crowd of local lawyers, doctors, police, AODA, church leaders and other concerned parents that "My name is Steve and I'm an Alcoholic, and I'm here in hopes that the teens in our community especially my boys will not follow the path I traveled down." It wasn't that hard to say in front of 50 plus people, most of them not addicts. So maybe that was one reason why I'm still here today. there are so many, I know one big reason is my boys, and no matter what I will always be their father, and todAAy I'm a sober father.

I sing...I dream... I love...Anyways....
peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve

Isolaction

2007-04-16T18:47:00.000-04:00

I'm really not sure if I know what the next right thing is anymore. Go to meeting and don't drink. I know that I'm just a little pup walking this journey, and I know that it is a journey, but how come I feel that I walk three steps and fall backwards six steps. I got an email from a friend yesterday saying that now is the time to focus on Steve. I read into it even more they are the same words that my counselor said. Let go of my marriage spend this time to get to know Steve. He scares me. What if I don't like what I see. I'm not sure why i couldn't even get out of bed this morning.

Well 24 hours now. Its 10:30 I just got out of bed again. My mom called worrying that she hasn't heard from me in a few days. I did get dressed yesterday and went to a meeting, and yes I felt better. I'm working on so many things. Ellie sent me a email with all kinds of encouragement. She is right It is time to discover Steve. I'm sitting here just crying now. I just turned 40 and now I'm saying I need to go find myself. I'm in so much denial that it hurts, it kills. I have a king size bed, there is so much shit pilled up on it that there is just enough room for me to lie on the edge of the bed. I don't want to clean it because I will remember how big it is and how alone I am. The last couple of days I haven't been asking God for another 24 hours, just asking him for the next hour.

My gratitude list the other day really lifted me, how easy was it to make that list. The sun is shinning, the birds chirping. That's part of My pain, I see a bird fly bye and think about my wife, and her poem. She gave me another quote the other day.

God loved the birds and invented trees.
Man loved the birds and invented cages.
Jacques Deval

How long I kept her that cage. Now she is flying free of my grasp, and doesn't want to return. even if I through away that cage. She is convinced that I can not change. I feel like that poem could be any of us. It also makes me think about what alcohol did to me. Kept me locked in. I'm trying to get out, but I'm scared that the door might be slammed shut on me. I know that I made my bed and now I must sleep on it. That's why I can't clean it off. I'm so full of pain today. I know what to do, but why can't I pick up that phone, call. I'm afraid, afraid of being hurt again. I just want to be me, alone, and unworthy of any ones love.

"I'll be there, when no one is around I'll be the rock you lean on" That song was just playing on the radio. I know that God is there for me. You are all here for me, but I still feel that I can do this on my own.

I'm not drinking and my life is getting better. I need to trust the process. Yes it is a process. I think about all the lectures I heard in treatment, that word was said a lot "process" Well it is. I need to get off my ass and trust the process. Thinks may be rough now, but the crap I'm walking thru now is the crap i put my family thru during my using days. I will make it out of this crap, and will be stronger. Now I just need to believe this.

peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve

How it Works

2007-04-14T08:32:00.000-04:00

Well we are told that " Rarely have we seen a person fail who has not thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who can not or will not completely give themselves to this simple program....."

I had a greAAt meeting last night. The meeting that I hate going to. they are really overbearing about that their group is the only group that can save me. If I do not choose them as a home group I will fail. i leave that part at the tables I go for me. So back to the meeting. Even though they are not my home group they see me twice a week. they even said, Steve you are doing great. Keep working the steps, and just don't think. Keep it simple. So This morning that is what I'm going to do.

Today I'm grateful that my kids are coming over to spend the day with me.

I'm greatful that my HP let the sunshine
I'm greatful for another 24 hours
I'm greatful for the understanding of my x-boss'
I'm greatful that it is another 24 hours closer to seeing my parents come home from FL
I'm greatful My rehab "classmates"
I'm greatful that my dog is still alive
I'm great ful that Dell had a sale on PC's
I'm greatful that I can give myself to this simple program
I'm gretful for my blogging peeps
I'm greatful to reach out and talk to sober friends
I'm greatful to Lush for keeping me sober
I'm greatful to my sponsor, for not taking my controlling shi*
I'm greatful for life todAAy.

Keep it Simple stupid, Thats you Steve.

Have a great Saturday. I will no matter what.

Love ya all
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Oh I'm greatful that coffee is done!!!!!!!

You Are Doing Great Steve

2007-04-11T15:51:00.000-04:00

Where do I start about this weekend. First Thanks to my Higher Power I'm still 130 sober. I wasn't sure about going to Chicago at all last weekend. I didn't think I was ready. I'm not second guessing things, but I sure was tested. On Thursday Morning I went to AA meeting. I was already looking at meeting In Chic on the web before I left for the meeting. I called my mom in FL to try to find a road in the town I grew up in. No luck. Well At this meeting my HP put someone next to me that did. This was my first time at this meeting. Her first time back in a long time. Well it turned out that this street I was looking for in Chicago is one of her home groups. 6;30 am everyday of the week. They had 7 meeting there a day! Wow. ok I would be ok. Waited for the kids to get home from School then left. Got down there about 10;30pm. My friend an old girl friend from JR. High, ok my first love. Was bolwing, her husband was home with their kids. She got home from bowling just plastered (hope she doesn't read this one). Her kids where home from college playing beer pong. the basement just stunk of beer. I wanted to run and hide so bad. Made it Thur Thurs. Another 24 hours.

So Friday Now. Yep I sleep in, missed that 6:30 meeting. Went shopping with my friend, they where having about 25 people over on Easter. Made it thru the grocery Store. Going to the front she was walking straight into the "FORBEN ZONE" So i waited as she got the booze for the weekend. I do have to say it was nice not to have to stop at a gas station Thurs night to pick up beer before I went to their house. The kids played great all day. Even couch slug teenager was outside. I tried to skateboard on some ramp in the back yard. Not smart to do after surgery. Thanks HP for only bruising my ego. I went to a meeting Friday after. I left about 90 Min's early, had to get out of the house. It was at a church in the next town. It was stations of the cross. so I sat there until it was time for the meeting. Had a great meeting. They asked if I needed a meeting list said no of course I still think I can do this by myself all the time. During my sharing the tears Begin to flow when I talked about first holiday without my wife, being alone, watching kids drink. Just seeing all that BOOZE. They past a meeting list around the table. It got back around to me with about 20 numbers of men in the area to talk to if I needed. Cool. Well Friday night. I went out to a bar with my friend and their neighbors. One of them played in the band. I was feeling pretty good, maybe to good. I never wanted a drink, but i did think about getting an odouls or something. Finally after an hour of throwing a pity party for myself that I couldn't drink. I got dragged out on the dance floor. Yes I thought I couldn't dance sober. Well I did, and I think I did pretty good. I danced a lot after that. It took sometime to get me out of my shell but then I felt great. I was so looking forward to closing a bar, SOBER. But we had a promise M. promised we could leave if I needed to escape. Well she neeeded it, she was tired, that wimp. Had a Blast Sober, no using thoughts either!!!

Saturday. Up bright and early at 8 am lol. Yes no meeting again. Got the kids going and left to go play tourist in downtown Chicago. I grew up in the Northwest Suburbs of Chicago, but never really went downtown. Went to the Sears Tower..Cloudy day but could see 15-20 miles. It was neat to look out over the lake, and towards the burbs. Saw Solider Field, and Comisky park, ok whatever it is called this year. GO SOX. After the tower we went to lunch. Chicago style stuffed Pizza....melt in your mouth. We talked about doing the 2 hour trolley ride around the city but it was already 2 pm. Kids getting tired and crabby, epically the teenager. It was only 30 and windy so we left and went to my Grandmother house. Had a great visit with her. Went to Red Lobster for dinner. Stayed at Grams Sat night. My brother and his two kids came over Sun morning and we did brunch. Great Visit. Drove back up to the north side. Stopped at my other Bro's house. his son was still at his moms, so we didn't stay long. By now it was 5pm went back to my friends house again. dinner was at 3 there. Figured dinner would be done, and maybe some of the house cleared out. NO such luck. We got there and almost everybody was downstairs playing beer pong. I stayed upstairs and watched golf, no not my choice. After about 3 hours I found myself downstairs watching this game of pong, thinking about getting some Odouls and I would play. Thought to myself, Get the hell out of here NOW. So I went upstairs and grabbed a soda from the frig, it was all sticky, so I reached in and grabbed 2 more. Jumped in the truck and drove, fast. The two I grabbed would hold me over till I got in town. I grabbed beer. Ice cold. Driving now mind you, opened one up. Thought of that balancing scale. Beer on one side, my sobriety, family, life and love on the other. That Beer went flying out the window. I Drove and Drove. Found a Starbucks. Went in the girl asked what I wanted. "I just want f**ing coffee, why can't you just that.... I'm sorry I shouldn't take this out on you. you had nothing to do about why I'm upset, sorry" She looked at me "Why don't you go sit down and I will bring something out to you in a minute." She brought me a La tee' out and smiled and said Happy Easter things will get better if you let them. I grabbed my cell phone and started to call friends sponsor, other blogger, my wife, but all these people are where, elsewhere how safe to call them, all they could do is talk. I reached in my pocket and grabbed that list. Called and called...8 people no one home. Maybe there is a meeting tonight. going thru the list I didn't know where some of these towns where. I found a meeting on Rte 25 in the town that I was in. Asked the girl how far it was away. she said a few miles down to the north. Grabbed my "coffee" and ran, meeting started in 12 mins. Made it to a meeting on Easter in a town that i never knew, in a church that I never visited. I made it. I shared, and shared, not just the pain of the weekend but the joys of being sober, Having a snowball fight in my grandma front yard with my brother and kids with snow that was still in the bed of my truck from Wisconsin. My grandmother seeing me sober for the first time in over 20 years. My nieces and nephew seeing me sober for the first time. My kids having a great weekend with me, never raising my voice, or screaming. Just being a DAD. Being who I always wanted to be. Because I do have to watch what I do, because they do want to watch and be just like me.

So Steve you where tempted with alcohol all weekend and didn't drink...Steve you are doing ok. in fact you are Great

Chicago

2007-04-09T22:28:00.000-04:00

I will post later. I had a greAAt trip To the windy city. Made meetings, had fun dancing in a bar sober. Friday did the tourist things Sears tower, stuffed chicago style pizza. walked around downtown. Spent Saturday with My Grandmother and kids. had a Blast. Will catch you up to date about the stupid things I did, yes like going to a bar this young in recovery, and watching college kids play beer pong. Most of my family, ok everybody I saw this was the first time they saw Sober Steve in over 20 years. My Grandmother cried when she saw me. in her eighties now, at least she saw me sober before,,,

I knew I lost weight put looking at this pic, holy cow where did I go? Lost over 50 pounds. One more good thing about me stopping drinking.

Gotta run for now. Have to do my hair. Oh as you can see that shouldn't take long. Tonight I get sworn into office for the town board. i will have to google this later, but I most be the first person to ever get elected to a public office while campining from Rehab. i was released 3 days before the election. One more drunk politican, But this one is a sober drunk.

peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Why I'm Afraid to let you see me!!!!!

2007-04-03T11:08:00.000-04:00

I have Scott's blog playing in the back-background. Beautiful is playing. I feel the exact opposite and have felt this way for years. Words do bring me down daily. I'm trying to find the positive in something, and just for the moment. I can do a gratitude list but it's only at the surface. ALL my counselors keep on asking to see the real Steve hiding behind this mask. This post is going to a different direction than what i thought about this morning. I just need to find myself I can't even say today i really don't know who I really am. So let me introduce myself to you, what i know.

*My name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic
*my wife moved out to save herself from my DZ
*My kids love me even though I haven't been in their lives for years
*My family and in-laws support me in my recovery
*I'm a perfect asshole after surgery
*I'm unemployed as a result of my DZ
*I have a great support system of sober bloggers and fellow aa's
*I'm ashamed to be an Alcoholic!
*I'm Ashamed of the all the things I did during my self-destruction
*I'm in relapse with-out even knowing.
*I hate myself and this DZ
*I hurt,,,hurt,,hurt

So that's what i will let you see. But what is behind that mask I'm wearing today. Why won't I really let you see me. Because I'm afraid that you won't like what you see. I have for years tried being something that i wasn't. I am weak scared and afraid that I won't like what I see behind the mask that I'm wearing. So let me tell you this. there I go controlling again. I wish that I really could take a time out from life. really figure out who I am. 45 days in rehab only started it. Know is the time to open up and let everybody in. Maybe on at time. But I need to get honest with myself at whatever what price. I already lost my soul to Satin, but God will still have have me, For he sees the real Steve underneath all the layers of shame and pain and hurt.

My sponsor finally called back, He was working nights last week. He knew something was wrong when I called him 3 times yesterday. I used his line "Take the cotton out of your ears and shove it down your mouth, and get the *uck to a meeting". His thoughts are that if the cotton is in the ear I'm not listening to what he is saying.

He told me that I'm doing OK. in fact I'm doing great. I just don't believe it, and he jumped all over me for that. He repeated all the events of this last week to me, and said 3 times your wife and kids left the house yesterday, you were sitting there in the home that your family built, the stories and memories that at can be told from the kitchen table, bedroom or living room, about life events. And you didn't drink. "You are going to be OK Steve, in Fact you are Great!"

you all are right, I'm OK. I have to remember this is a not a race.

So I need to turn the above list around and make it gratitude's. I CAN NOT LET WORDS BRING ME DOWN< CAN'T BRING ME DOWN TODAY.

My Sponsor told me to go do something exstrodany before lunch, Something I would never do. So I will. Thanks everyone for your support. time is running, and I missed enough of my life already, time to rediscover the world.

LOVE YA
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Walking on Eggshells again.

2007-04-02T15:12:00.000-04:00

Todays readings When I uncovered my need for approval in the 4th step, I didn't think it should rank as a character defect. I wanted to think of it more as as asset. it was quickly pointed out to me that this need can be very crippling...

This whole reading is about me now and before. Right now I am suppose be be writing up a list of boundaries to talk about with my wife at counseling tonight. Instead I'm staling once again. I'm afraid to hurt her feelings. I'm putting her and my kids first. This is so hard. All I really want is to make everyone happy, but Steve will suffer again. This is why I haven't gone to a meeting, picked up the phone or prayed. I'm scared to death what I might hear. I have been in so much pain the last couple of days from surgery that I really don't care about sobriety anymore. I don't care about myself anymore I just don't care period. I talk myself into some pride and tell myself I am stronger than that. I really do not want to return to the way I was. The way I was made me loose my wife, my job, my health, and myself. I am holding onto this house by the skin of my teeth, my kids are the only thing keeping me going. They are my inspiration for waking daily and the inspiration not to pick up. I found some pot in my sons room this morning. I wasn't made at him ,but happy. I could get rid of this for him so he couldn't use, but at what price. The price of my sobriety 4 months, four months of some of the most earth changes discoveries in myself, but I was still willing to trow it away for what. So I could be happy with myself, so others would like me. How sick is that.

Everyone is pushing me to get a job, go out and work. I just want to let the dust settle on my life. I want to know what is next. See there I go again, trying to run the show. Give it up Steve, let someone else have that control like your HP. I feel like I am a hangnail away from relapse. But the good thing is that I feel it, I can stop it. I need to do things that make Steve happy and not worry about the others around me. The last couple of weekends I have tried to get my wife to go away with the kids and I for a weekend somewhere to have fun as a family. The boys are really taking this hard, not saying much to her, but to myself and said some things to my brother when he was here. It is very important to me to make everyone happy. My wife wants no part of that, a weekend of fun as a family. I know she is still hurting, but I feel the family should come before personal programs. Why I spent weeks in rehab learning about it is all about ME. I guess that I feel that I hurt them so bad, I need to start making things up to them. But I must be sober First and happy with myself. I know everyone is saying give it time. trust your HP. enjoy the little things, live in today only. So many more phrases. I just want to be happy again.

Wow my fingers came alive there for awhile. I got way off the topic that I started, or maybe not. I only wish that I could stop wishing for things to change. I only want,,,,,I only want everything...I know that with time and trust in my HP. I will get whatever I need. I just have to let him in and not take back that control. I really need to pick up that 500 pound phone and call. Track my sponsor down, call,,call,,,call.

Someone once asked if I was using this blog in place of meeting, I said no. Right now I feel that I did this weekend because i couldn't leave the house, but I feel that this blog and reading all of your didn't replace a meeting but saved me from a relapse. I'm scared of what the future holds, but who isn't. So I'm going to grab my big book and head to my sun room and watch the miracle of rain, and pray again, not for anything, just pray, he will let me know what I need.

peace
Hugs and Kisses
STEVE,,,,still SOBER STEVE

Can an Alcoholic Really Change

2007-03-31T00:05:00.000-04:00

I have been hearing and saying that a lot lately. Its the constant battle between my wife and myself. Every time I see a chance I would say the old Steve would of done this, but now look what I did. Just in case you didn't hear Steve finally did something that 99% of the human race does daily, but I find the need to point it out that I'm beginning to act like a human being. Big fricking deal. Tonight After an argument with my wife, yes another that I started, I made an awesome Shrimp Alfredo. since I'm still on pain killers from surgery yesterday I asked her to drive me to my meeting tonight, (she goes to her meeting at the same time downstairs) she had to run to her house to grab her books. I got pissed off that when she left her plate was still sitting on the table, and she never said thank-you. I picked them up and turned and said to myself, "Now I know how she felt every time I never thanked her for dinner". Ok so I changed something. There are little to big changes going on in me right now, but wait.....

Tonight at the meeting, we discussed Step Three...We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him. As the self appointed replacement for Bill W. talked with no end in sight, he did say a few things that made me think. I keep telling my wife I can change I am changing, please give me time. I haven't changed a thing, yes maybe on the outside. My temper, my attitude, my patience, but these are only band-aids for the solution. It says it in the first three words, We made a decision. I can't turn somethings over and not the rest. I can not turn over parts that I feel is safe for God to fix and not the others. No where in there does it say that I only turn over 10, 20 70 or 50%. We turn our will and lives over. Hey Steve wake up that means 100% not just what we want to , or what we feel is safe. We can not just kneel and pray for bits and pieces of our lives, we need to pray and ask humidly his will for all of it. I tried to do it my way, and look where it got me.

After the meeting I was talking to Bill JR. and I told him that I asked the doctor not to give me any pain killers that I could become addicted to. He told me about his surgery where he had quite an intense recovery with a lot of pain. He asked his HP to help and guide him through this time. He had faith that his HP would watch over him and make sure no harm came to him. Turning it over. No, Steve still thinks he is running the show. No I'm not betting myself up. I have to remind myself who I want in charge of my life, and it is not Steve.

So tonight when I pray I will remember this, not just what I want, but all of me. I will not hold on to the old Steve. I will not hold onto parts that I feel that I need to keep. If I need them he will make sure that I get them again. The saying that I hate so much is that if you love them let them go, and if was meant to be they will return. So tonight I will let myself go, I will give myself back to God, and I know that only what is meant to be will return.

So good night and God bless you all

Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Walking together on my Path

2007-03-26T23:06:00.000-04:00

On November 28, 2006 I started to walk down a new path, one with hope and sobriety. I later titled a blog "Alone on my path". 118 days later, I now know how wrong I was. In the early days of my sobriety I felt all alone. As each day in sobriety passed more and more of my past begin to surface. Things in my past that I drank to forget. I talked about the pieces of my family that were scattered along this new path. to many to take with. I entered rehab as a shell of a person. A person that i didn't know. A person that no-one knew. After reading the poem from my wife how this DZ and my problem with it shattered her world. I have come to a better understanding the long term effect of this on the family. My wife rented a house almost two months ago. Tonight is the first night she is spending it in her house. She stood by my side this whole time I was in rehab. Tonight it is my turn to stand by her side. I had a 45 day time out from the world. She had to pick up what little things I did around here, and to do everything by herself. With a lot of help from the kids that I left here that have now turned into young men. They keep on telling me that this is a shellfish program, she has a program to thru Al-alon. She put that on the side burner till I could stand on my own. I owe her for that. She does need space to heal. As she says she is so close to the problem that she can not see it. Can not see the trees thru the forest.

We need to learn to talk again. But before that I told her something must happen. Yes the eyes glowed, flames started to build, I was telling her how to think, old behavior. But this time it was good. I told her I was going to do something no matter what she thought. Told her many people will be helping me with this. "Honey, Let us Love you, until you learn to Love yourself again." She tried to hold back the tears. No matter what I LOVE HER.

Thanks Lushgurl glad you notice I noticed too, a softer and gentle side of Steve. Yes i see that the promises are starting to work in my life. I feel peace in my heart today.

I'm going to paste the original post of Alone on my path. But I now know I'm not alone. Millions of people are walking with me on this path.

peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Today I tried to walk the new path in my life. I felt lost, and alone. I have heard and talked about this new path, new way of life for me. One with sobriety, and people there to guide me. I felt hurt, abandoned and left out to dry. I had the numbers of new friends that I have met at the AA meeting. The blogs and words of wisdom from others. But still I could not move my feet.

This new path that I had chosen looked familiar. The path was littered with broken parts of objects. It was hard to move without stepping on something. I bent over to move something, and then I saw what I was standing on. For these were no ordinary objects they were all pieces, pieces of myself, pieces that were torn off my body during my self-destruction. My hands became very full. I picked up another piece to see it was part of my wife, another part of my kids, parts from my family. I slowly began to cry. These are parts that my family and friends lost because of my drinking. The parts that were lost that are now replaced with walls. I quickly picked up what I could. My hands began to fill up again. So many parts, so much hurt. I had to make a decision, what could I bring and what could I leave behind. Night was beginning to upon this trail. The stars began to shine. I sat there on a stump looking at each piece. My sons missing me at teacher conferences, my wife missing my compassion. SO much hurt. To much to take. I need to bring these pieces back. I needed to fix them. Fix the problems that I had caused.

As I sat there, crying now, I picked up a piece. It brought a smile to my face, a twinkle to my eye. It was a person that I fell in love with many years ago. A friend that I hurt badly, I forgot all about this person, the love and good times we shared. The stories about trouble we avoided. The tales of childhood pranks. For this person that I hurt was not just any friend, not just any love, not just any memory. It was me.

I held that part tight close to my heart, dropping the others. I knew if I was to fix the others I must fix myself. I must begin to love myself. As God loved us so much that He gave us His only son, I must have that love for myself to give anything back. so when I stood to continue down this path, the other parts moved slightly. Just far enough out of the way not to be walked on, but close enough for me to remember the pain. I held myself tight, and walked. I began to notice other lights, voices began to be heard. Faces and other paths appeared. For this whole time that I thought I was alone, I wasn't. Others watched just out of sight. They knew that this was something I needed to do. Something I needed to know. I began to smile, not just me, but that part of me that was lost for so long. I found myself, and I love it. I am so filled with life, that I glow. As long as I can keep the others at my side, holding their lights, my path is brightly lit.

I promised myself to be back for the other parts, the parts from others that I have hurt. The people that I must make amends to. As soon as Steve is back, healthy, I will be back for them, and try to repair all the hurt I caused.

A Family Disease

2007-03-24T19:59:00.000-04:00

What you are about to read are the effects of alcoholism on a spouse. It can turn a once outgoing loving person into a shell. It cuts deep into ones fabric. It causes scars that may never heal. It causes pain that may never go away. It hurts all that it touches. This is her story of what happened. I'm posting this with her consent.

I'm dreaming. I see a bird. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Its radiant, the colors of the feathers are so vivid, the shape of the animal is in perfect balance. As I drift closer to it in my dreamstate, I realize the bird is trying to fly away. But it's trapped in a cage. It seems very afraid, panic-stricken. I don't understand how to convey that I just want to look at it, not hurt it. But the bird just continues to beat itself against the inside of the cage in an effort to escape. I am close enough now to notice that the bird has been doing this for quite awhile, I can see it is very broken and bloody. There are feathers all over the ground from it trying to escape scrutiny. Very gently, I am able to unlock the cage and very quietly, I move away. The animal has exhausted itself from its efforts and has settled down. After I move away a few steps, I stop and simply watch. I can see every individual feather, in all the different colors and layers covering the body, the wings, the tail, I can see the beak and the eyes, watching me. Very cautiously, it approaches the opening I left in the cage, testing, making sure the door is not going to be slammed shut on it at the last possible second. It pauses for several seconds, feeling unsure of how to proceed. I blink and it's gone. It's only now that I realize that I am the bird. And I'm soaring through the sky, feeling the air of freedom, breathing the exhilaration of freedom. I know that I will heal, my body can take care of that. I also know that I will not allow myself to be caught and locked in another cage.

L.G.

When I read this to my group while still in Rehab, I could not stop crying. I can not go back and change a thing. I can only live in the day. Today I choose not to drink. Today she now chose never to be locked up again. May I never lock her or anyone else in the cage again.

Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

The Day After

2007-03-23T17:43:00.000-04:00

I just want to start by thanking everyone for your prayers. I wasn't sure if I could make it through rehab, but I did. There is so much so fresh in mind, I still don't know what to say. I have thanked her up and down for standing behind me this hole time. But Thanks doesn't seem like enough to say to my wife. Even Though she rented another house almost 2 months ago. She is still home. Still here so I wouldn't come home to an empty house. Thank you L. i really need to thank my JR. High school sweetheart, 23 years later we are still friends. I unloaded so much shit on her it wasn't funny. My Family even though they never could come up to visit, i knew that they were there. To my new family I found in treatment. The staff, the counselor's, the other clients. There stories will keep me going, one day at a time. To My HP thank-you for never turning your back on me even though I had my back turned to you all these years. It could of been easy to to write me off, but you saw something inside that I couldn't see.

I stayed in the house all day. Never got out of bed. scared to go anywhere. Skipped morning mediation. Said my prayers lying in bed. I was so scared yesterday walking out those doors. scared now just looking at the outside world. It is still there, waiting for me to have a weak moment. Going to a meeting tonight. Its a meeting that i really don't like, but principals before personality. I'm going there for me.

Home from my meeting. I went to the meeting and my wife went to her Al-Alon meeting. Afterwards we went to Perkins for coffee and desert. Had a great talk, both of us talking. Both of us sharing. It just sucks that it took her leaving to start having conversions that married couples have. I now know that this was my time to stop drinking. I can't keep back and beat myself up that i didn't quite years ago. I feel that now, I know that now! I know so much now, more than I realized that I ever could. I feel great after that meeting tonight. Feel like I Do have a purpose in life and that I am special.

Thurs Before leaving I did my 5th step. I really wasn't ready, but They want you to do it before you leave. I still have to accept the 2nd in my heart, and soul, but in time this will become an everyday part of life for me. When I walked out of Father J.'s office after the fifth step, my counsel was just walking in the door from outside, and asked how it went. I lifted my legs high as I walked out of that office, Stepping over the pile of shit that I left there. Some baggage that I need never worry about again. I left it there, it is gone for good, no looking back and trying to claim it, its gone forever. I felt 500 pounds lighter. I joked around in the community for hours, feeling like a kids again. Jumping on people, being a smart ass, being me. The new Steve. One that I never knew. One that No one knew except for GOD.

My wife wrote me a beautiful poem, Its outlined the pain that I put her through all these years, and how she felt. Later I share that we all of you, but I got that just hours before my fifth step. It made me feel humble. It made me think. It made me whole. I read that poem to my group crying throughout it. It made me think about all the pain I caused her and others. It made me be honest about who I was. Steve the alcoholic. I have had a hard time admitting that without shame. Now its ok. I claim it, I own that. I am that. I went into that 5th step in vising that poem, and left everything I could there. Not wanting to take any extra baggage with. Thanks Father J. for releasing that from me. Thanks all of you.

Peace
Hugs and kisses

She made me cry!!!!!

2007-03-20T16:31:00.000-04:00

Wow. With one of my last days in group, they saw the real Steve. I cried right from the get go. I read the story about GOD and the double bike. Letting god get in front and steer, pedal giving him control. I failed so badly at this during my DZ. She got inside me today, made me, ok I let myself, leave the pile at shit at the door today. All the things I wanted to say for months, for years, I had never had the strenght to say. I was scared, mad and upset. i crying now in the YMCA with 30 kids looking at me funny. But I don't care. This is my program. This is my life today. A life without substance abuse. A clean life, a better life. I wanted to say so much more but I couldn't no matter what I said it was said with tears. Big tears. This 45 days drove my wife further away, but I came back. I drove her away thinking I needed her to make me strong. I am strong. I can be strong I just need to believe in myself. Like other believe in me. The way God believes in me. Thurs night is my medallion ceremony. I leave Friday. Not sure if I am ready, for how much I wanted to walk in the beginning I want to stay now. Boy how I have grown.

I need to get going right now. Kids on spring break, waiting list for PC.

Peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

Found in Rehab

2007-03-16T16:09:00.000-04:00

Found: A 40 year male, slightly balding, a little over weight. What hair there is is brown with brown eyes. A very good sense of humor. A man who loves life, loves his family and friends. A man with a sense of direction. A man who has surrendered himself to a HP. and admitted to himself that he has a disease called Alcoholism.

Now that I found myself I know what I need to do with myself. Embrace this new life of sobriety. With AA and my friends at my back I will walk out of rehab next week with my head held high, knowing that I am not a loser, not a failure, no a problem of society. I am Special. I am Loved, I am an alcoholic named Steve. That 8 days That I was home during rehab. I know believe it was my HP telling me to grow up. Get with it. Embrace him, and embrace the program. sh*t or get of the pot. Be in AA not around it. I grew up so much. Today should of been my last day. I would not be ready to walk out these doors today. i know what is waiting out there will be there next week, but for Today I am safe in these walls for another 7 days. & more days of tools, 7 more days or serene peacefully being. I'm going home on a pass this weekend. Hope to take the boys to a water park, and laugh and play like I was 7 again. Be Stevie the kid again. Laugh and cry like a kid. Today in Art therapy we had a shaving creme fight. Took me back to being a kid again. I can laugh and smile without booze, without it aid. I can be the life of a party sober. I can be Steve!!!!!

I'm at the YMCA right now. Between treatment and this place I have remained sain. Without the workout of the physical and mental side I would not be whole. Without All of you I would not be who I am today. A person in recovery. I am ready to go out and face the world, but slowly, with tools in my hands and the instructions manual of the big book. I will be ok. Hold on tight, more will be reveled. WOW what strong words.

Going swimming. Wish you could see me right now jamming to some song on MTV. My kids would be laughing. "Some rap crap" in my words. I danced the other night to "junk in my trunk" who would of thought.

Peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve

So mad I'm shaking

2007-03-11T14:20:00.000-04:00

This is going to be short. Like my visting hours today. From 1-4:45. 3 hours and 45 mins to catch up on my week. i just talked, ok yelled at my wife. Its 1;15 and she hasn't left our house yet. A 40 min drive down here. At least one more hour I will miss out of their week. She sees them all week. But it was more important for her to spend time with her parents, after seeing them all weekend then it was for me to see my kids for just under 4 hours. She sees her dad everyday at work. I didn't go home this weekend so they could help grandpa with some things around his house. My wife wanted some alone time. So I guess I needed it to. I'm so ....ed at her right how. My hands are shaking. She should be her in 20 mins. So I don't have much time to get rid of this anger building into furry. I'm looking in the bag of tools that i have learned so I don't loose anymore time with them today. My wife has made it clear that it is over between us. But I still love her, and I love my kids. And every minute does count. Thanks for being there for me today. Thank you god for another 24 hours of sobriety.

Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Mixed up in rehab

2007-03-08T16:59:00.000-05:00

Weird how I have grown so much in these last couple of weeks. Blogging does not seem to be that important to me right now. At first I thought coming over to the YMCA would be great. Checking email, blogging, and maybe do some weights. Just the opposite. I have been working on my mind and body, not so much on blogging. I fell great about myself. I lost almost 50 pounds since I quite drinking. Need to buy new clothes since my pants are falling off of me. Called SC to challenge her to a race. Put all this to the test, boot camp versus rehab. But its not versus, its a team effort. I couldn't of done these without her strength, your strength and mine, did I mention HP. in the early days of my recovery I felt alone. I found strength in all of you. I use your thoughts prayers and wisdom daily. I think about all your comments on my blog and others. I smile when I see "US" do things for others , like scout "borrowing" a key tag for meg, but not for herself. Prayers for the fallen, or ones that have strayed away from our tables. Prayers and angels sent to me the last couple of weeks.

I pray nightly for others not myself, not for what I need. Or what I think I need. If I need it God will see that I get it. I go back to the Doc Fri to finally get the results back from two weeks ago. Hope I didn't have 2 weeks to live. LOL I have a sense of humor, a real one without alcohol. So much seems to be real in my life now. I Helped my wife pack up last weekend to move out. So does need her space, it hurts, but if it was meant to be it will come back. If our marriage doesn't work, I gained a great friend in her. We have talked more like friends these last two weeks than we have in years honest conversions. Both of us talked not just me, and her listening. Honest truthful and a whole lot of tears. Today during my 2nd first step I was called a fake, minimizing my drinking. I let it go. Cried for an hour while talking in group. A bald 40 year crying like a 4 year old, something I needed to do years ago. Let it out. It felt great.

Well gotta run my time is up. Going to go hit the pool for 20 Min's before i have to be back. Still snow here in WI. Spring is right around the corner though, I can smell it in the air

Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Peom of Strength

2007-03-05T23:18:00.000-05:00

This is something My roommate in Rehab Wrote after his 5Th step. I've been praying a lot today about guidance in my decision about returning into rehab. This seemed fitting to post today.

God I Surrender
I've come to lay my burdens down.
I feel you enter into my soul,
to fill the void, the gaping hole
My body goes numb, and tingles inside,
to the core, my heart,where you reside.
the serenity, and hope, I now can feel.
My faith in you no one can steel
things in the past could bring me down
They make me sad, make me frown
With new light from you I start to grow
I'll share it with others, and try to show
how you lifted me up with love, and regard,
when I slipped and fell to the ground so hard.
Your Love is unfailing, so Awesome, and true
It brings me through times when my vision is eschewed.
Please keep me, always, in the palm of your hand
When my knees go weak give me strength to stand.
In time I'll find your plan for me.
I'll embrace it with faith, ambition, and glee.
So thank you, lord, for all you have done
Especially for Jesus, sacrificing your son.

Forever Grateful
Me
Jeremiah

I needed him as a roommate I found faith, and strength inside him, and use it daily. Time for bed, I haven't been sleeping much, taking some sleeping pills so I can get some shut eye. I was only getting 2 hours a night for awhile, running on fumes. Doing better now, getting better.

Peace
Hugs and kisses

Steve

HP Answers

2007-02-28T15:04:00.000-05:00

WOW, where do I start. Treatment has been a great emotional roller coaster ride. Every time I thought it couldn't get worse it did. Another layer of shame and hurt uncovered. In 27 days in treatment I uncovered so much hurt, and pain that death did sound like a option. But I did not keep that option open for long. I do have so much to live for, like another 24 hours. I have found a new person under all that hurt and shame. I person that was buried years ago. A better person than I ever knew existed. A much better loving and caring person. A person who cares about what he did and how it hurt others.

When I walked out of treatment on Monday I thought it was for all the right reasons. Without going into a real long story, and he said and she said. Last Thurs i was to start fasting and drinking some fluids to flush my body for a surgical procedure on Fri. My Doc said that I needed my own bath room once I started this between 1-3 pm. It would take 6 to ten hours for it to run it course. My wife would have to leave work to pick me up. She really didn't want to. She called my counselor and asked if their were any medical reasons why I couldn't wait until 6 to be picked up and drive home 45 Min's then. He said no none at all, even though my doc told me to be home a detox room, or admit myself to the hospital. I called my neighbor to pick me up at 2pm. When my wife got home and saw how much pain and physical shape i was in felt bad, and was mad that he told her to need to pick me up. MY DOC thought so, but he was smarter than him. I went in and asked for a counselor change on Monday after the returning back to rehab. I was told they could but only after another week with him, since a counselor was on vacation. I swalled some pride and said OK. He started in right away about him calling my wife and checking up on me, attending family group with my kids, and participating in my recovery. My wife made it clear to me over the weekend how she felt talking to him, twisting her words back to me, her giving guarded responses she he couldn't twist them into something that they were not. This was my recovery not hers. Once he tried to drag my family back into this pain all over again. I put my foot down. I said they have been Thur enough, I guilted my wife into coming down to family group with the kids. It put her and them Thur so make pain, I couldn't do that again, So I walked. I did something for my family, instead of me, and it felt right.

So today about 3 hours ago I was getting ready to post. wasn't sure what to write without sounding negative and self beating about failure. This would be hard I thought. I really wanted to finish this to show myself that i could finish this one thing I started. The phone rang and it was the director of the treatment place. Talked to him about my issues and concerns. About how I felt and my wife felt. Told him that i was also partly to blame for not telling my counselor 100% of the test procedures I was having on FRI, and the prep needed on Thurs. I gave him what I felt was need to know, but left copies of the docs instructions with the house staff. i never followed up to make sure he got them. He then offered me a chance to come back and finish treatment next week when the other counselor returns. I jumped at that chance. A chance to Finish this. My prayers were answered another chance.

So this new chance Starts next Tues March 6, 2007 at 9 am. This is going to sound, well like someone had a hand in this. I was born on March 6, 1967 at 9:07. i will be entering rehab almost exactly 40 years after my birth. I get another birth this day, to do with it as I want, to make it something. To start over with a fresh slate. A drawing that I can only draw with help from HP and all of you behind me.

The one thing I forgot to say to myself on Monday with all the talk about failing. "Good job Steve, you made it 90 days without drinking, how special is that!!!!"

I walked Today

2007-02-26T17:20:00.000-05:00

I will post later. I walked out of rehab today. One more thing i failed in my life. I am not staying on this pity pot long though. Meeting tonight. Called my sponser. Called my AODA counslor. 90 Sober TODAY< Just another 24 hours!!!

Sorry for letting everyone down

In Recovery?

2007-02-25T18:35:00.000-05:00

Recovery is exhausting. Its hard to believe that it is Sun Afternoon. I came home on a weekend pass. I had to go into the Hospital Fri For some tests, so I came home to recover for the weekend. I was so scared Wed and Thurs when they told me I had to have these tests. But instead of worrying, i found myself doing something different. I prayed, I turned it over to my higher power. Me praying who would of thought that would ever happen. I have grown so much in rehab. I find it completely exhausting. There is so much hope for me I have to focus on that, and that alone. I still find it hard to focus on me and not my failing marriage. I keep saying I must fix myself, before I can any help to others. They are just words at times. My heart breaks daily when I relive the pain I caused my family, the thoughts of how I scared them emotionally. I know I most worry about me, I am getting that. Slowly I am getting better.

I wrote my wife many poems in rehab, I sit back and think of this sweet caring loving man who thoughts make me cry at sight of these words. Where was he for so long. Why couldn't he get here when my wife needed him the most. Why did it take her leaving to come back. Why, its to late to answer that, Just to late. Here is one that I can share with you. By the time most of you read this I will be sober for Ninety Days.

Control

Control friend or foe
Do we ever really know
Sometimes it is good
Sometimes it can be bad
which in turns makes my wife sad

Sometimes control is needed
but warning signs should be heeded
We should be careful in our voice
Since for others we made that choice

So Today when I awake
I will give thanks for havens sake
For i know I'm not at the wheel
I will sit back and not make a deal
And just except that fact
That GOD really does have my back

Love Always
Steve

Sending hugs to all my Valentines

2007-02-14T17:11:00.000-05:00

Hey recovering Peeps. Just had a great work out the Y. SC you better watch out. My spirts are much higher this week. Day 15 Now. When I meet my HP we are going to have a long talk. They say God never throws anything at you that you can not handle. I really thought there might be a break between those curve balls though. But I'm still swinging at them. I'm not giving up. I'm stronger than I realized. I just didn't believe in myself, when others did. So I only have 15 mins at the computer at the Y so this will be short. BUT sweet. Just like all the prayers, and wishes. I have been hitting the floor with hands folded kneeling by the beside nightly and giving thanks to my higher power. And in the morning just asking my HP to help get me through the day without quiting or drinking.

Well I goto run,,really run. Have 10 mins to get back to rehab. This is neat that I can come over to the YMCA. I'm getting back in shape, and feeling great about it. Hope you all have a great Valentines day. Hope to chat again soon. I'm cooking Thurs so it will probably be this weekend before I can post again.

Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Eight Days in Rehab

2007-02-07T16:58:00.001-05:00

Hey peeps. Whaz up. Ok this is a front. I'm at the YMCA right now. i can come over here for an hour a day for excise. So this will be short. This is harder than I thought Physically and mentally. I had my bags packed and ready to Walk Sunday night. I stayed. My mind is not here. My wife rented a house, and is starting to move out. My mind is there now. I have been trying to get it back into the program, but it is hard. Today is better. Keeping my spirts up. I couldn't wait to get over here to read and post comments to you guys. I have been praying daily just like when I was a kid. my sponsor told me to start hitting the floor daily. It has helped. Sun night when I was all worked up a retired Pasteur who works there, came into my room we talked for 3 hours. At 4 am he said a prayer asking God to help me sleep by lifting some of my burdens off of me. So I could get the needed sleep I needed. It helped.

Well I will post more later. I want to go vist your sites. Thanks for the prayers.

Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Today I Born Again

2007-01-30T09:18:00.000-05:00

Thanks for your Prayers. I enter Rehab TODAY. To Find the New improved Father, husband, son and friend I want to Become. I WILL BE BACK STRONGER THEN EVER!

PEACE
HUGS AND KISSES
STEVE

My stepping Stones to 60 DAYS

2007-01-28T16:15:00.000-05:00

Day SIXTY. 59 days ago I would be breaking my arm patting myself on the back. I have learned that this is not all about STEVE. I got my 60 day chip today. I had a chance to thank the family there today. I hugged most of them on the way back to my seat. Thanked the ones that where there at my first meeting. Now I am sending out the biggest hug that I can to all of you. With this table that we sit at on the web, you all have listened, cried, and prayed with me. Thank-you my new family.

Instead of a Sunday gratitude list. I want to recap this gratitude story. Following the stepping stones.

In November my wife told me that she was emotionally bankrupt. She had nothing left inside her except for hurt. I suggested counseling, but she said it was too late, she couldn't see getting herself back. I asked that we could wait until after the holidays for the Kids and for us. I was hoping that maybe she could see me change. She still talked about divorce. On November 28 I decided to quite drinking, a problem that plagued our marriage for years. She asked me many times to "slow down", "you seemed to drink a lot this weekend", "It's not even 11am and you are drinking." None of this sunk in at the time. I thought that maybe if I quite she would stay. Later I would discover something great Love for myself, and that I now stay sober for me. On day 3 of not drinking the withdraw was to hard to handle. I searched the web for answers. On the AA web-site there was a column of recovery blogs so I went and looked at them. I read many of them. I was touched by SOBER CHICK . I don't remember what the post was about. I remember commenting, and then emailing her. I thought what I was going thru was unusual, she talked about what you all have gone thru. I thanked her for being there, and she said it was just as much for her as it was for me. in the weeks to come she and others would post thoughts and prayers for me. Her and Scout both suggested to start a recovery blog, and how much it might help. Smart women, it did.

I never thought Day thirty would ever get here. Well it did. I was so happy and so proud of myself. WE did it. Never thought I could go a week, never less a month. I discovered love and uncovered a very messed up person. I gave that 30 day chip to my wife. It was something that I felt I needed to do. The more sobriety I gained the more painful memories I would uncover. In mid January, I would check myself into a hospital for depression. I was afraid of what I might do to myself or others around me. I learned so much about myself that weekend. I discovered what my actions had done to others. I discovered something great ,,,,my HP.

The second 30 days flew by. I can't believe it is here. We have shared our stories, our pain, and our joys. I now know what SC meant by she was there for her just as much as for me. I get that now. I have tried to give back to others like they have given to me. I took from you the knowledge of AA and sobriety, and I understand that it does no good to hold on to it. I will too give it away to others who are here now and who comes after me.

When I walked back from getting my chip today, I was thinking about a friend, who said they never stood up to get a chip or key chain ever. This person had been clean for over a year. I don't think that I could of done it without their support and friendship and prayers. I prayed for you today when I got this chip, hoping that together we can all make another 24 hours.

So sixty days today.. On day 62 my life will turn again when I enter rehab. I will learn and grow so much more. Thanks for being here during this bumping ride in my life.

2007-01-26T11:37:00.000-05:00

Its like a major countdown in my head right now. This is my last day of work for 6 weeks. Tomorrow at noon is the last day I can drink before I go into rehab. Monday night is the last night I will be able to sleep next to my wife. Tues Morning is the last time I can hug my boys and help chase them out the door for school. I feel like this is "My last" everything. I know that I have so much to gain going into rehab. I have waited for this for almost 7 weeks. Now the closer it is, the more scared I get. I feel like I will come out and have lost everything. I know my marriage will be gone. My boys will learn that they really don't need me around. My job will be there, but it won't be the same. I will have to break in a new partner when I return. "B" has really carried me these last couple of weeks.

In rehab I know that I gain something very important. ME. A better understanding of myself and how to use my HP to help me thru the day to day struggles of life. I will learn different ways to deal with stress then self medicating myself with booze. I will learn so much, but I feel the losses will be to big to handle. I know that divorce is not the end of the world. Others have gone thru the same thing. Giving up beer was easy, since I had all of you to help. Giving up her is like giving a part of myself up.

I know that I have a great support system now. I am not alone on this journey. I feel all of your hands holding me up. I know that you are praying for me. Together, I will be OK. After all I am SOBER STEVE. Sober Steve with 59 days of Sobriety.

Trying to decide

2007-01-23T17:51:00.000-05:00

I have been asked more than once about why I feel it is important to maintain this blog. I was also asked to keep a written journal, and not share the personal stuff on this blog. My first answer was " it ain't going to happen." I thought about this last night and again today. I don't know about the rest of you out here in blog land but for me I have gained so much more by sharing my experiences with all of you then I would of keeping them to myself. As I read others blogs I sometimes think that sounds like me. That happened to me, I was not alone.

For me maintaining this blog I have worked through many issues about myself and this Dz call alcoholism. Sometimes maintaining this has taken my mind of the fact that I am dying for a drink. I have worked through so many emotions on this blog, and reading others like yours. We are not alone out here. The blog for me does not take away from the tables, it adds another chance for me to talk about my problem of being an alcoholic. To share your experiences and lives.

So there is my answer. I am going to continue to share with all of you. If you comment and come back thank-you, but I will continue to blog and share my experiences.

Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Saying Goodbye

2007-01-20T08:54:00.000-05:00

Well More info about last weekend. Cracking up isn't as cracked up as it used to be. My AODA counselor said I can not make jokes about everything and make it go away. I thought it worked for me all these years why not now. Oh yeah I thought alcohol worked for me too. To much time to think. A week later my mind is clearer and I have a new look upon myself. It forced me to really look at myself and see some things that I lost. Many have commented on my negative thoughts and the constant blame of myself. I was easy to blame myself for the problems. But for me, it was the first time I took the blame. I didn't blame it on anyone else. I put it square on my shoulders. I have never accepted blame like this in 25 years. It was always easier to blame others around me. So sorry that I went overboard beating myself up. I had a lot of blame to catch up on. This Dz made sure I forced that blame onto others.

My counselor gave me homework. I had to write a letter saying goodbye to my love, BEER.

Three days after I put you in the ground and said goodbye, I still miss you. I can not imagine life without you.

For the last twenty years you have been my world, my reason for waking daily. The reason for rushing thru the day. I allowed you to rule my home, my life, my family. I made sure we went everywhere together. Made sure there was plenty of you to go around. Sometimes when we went out, you brought your friend with and we had fun together.

So now 52 days later, I feel different. I feel alive and generally happy. I no longer miss your smell, your looks, or the feelings I get when we touch each other. I can talk to my wife and kids without your influence. I wake and go thru the day without a thought of you. I have dinner and no longer miss you.

I have learned to stand on my own. Start conversions without holding you in my hand. I learned that I am more important than you.

Now is the time that I must say goodbye. I can no longer say I will miss you. It is time for me to move on. It is time. Time to say Good-bye BEER. You must leave my life for good now.

One last request before you go, please take your friend Satan for neither of you have a hold on me anymore

A look at life thru the spouses eyes

2007-01-17T15:49:00.000-05:00

Thanks Everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I learned a lot about myself and these Dz this weekend. Basically I had a AODA apt on Thursday so much came to the surface that my wife the counselor and myself were afraid that I might do something to hurt myself or others. So after thinking about it I checked myself in Friday afternoon. I had time this weekend and Monday to process everything and search my soul about everything. A lot about how my wife feels, about how any spouse feels. So this is a story of life thru her eyes, the way I would imagine it.

"The year is about 1996 or 97. The phone rings and I got up to answer it. It is the police department. The voice on the other end starts to talk. You understand up to the part about there was an accident, and you need to get to the hospital as soon as possible. My stomach feels like it is full of butterflies. I rush to the hospital. Once I get there the doctor meets me at the door. He starts to say about an accident and they used all the life saving skills they knew. My knees get weak. He says he sorry, but then says Steve didn't make it, but he died peacefully.

I went thru the service waiting for Steve to walk in and hold my hand. He never did. I waited for him at school for the concerts, bought him Christmas presents, made his side of the bed. I was so much in denial. Hoping that one day he would walk back in the room. Life went on for the rest of the world but my heart was empty. Finally after ten years I decided to move on. Pick up the pieces, and live life again. That would be November of 2006.

One day while sitting on the couch reading my book there was a knock on the door. It was Steve standing there. He said sorry he was late, but got tied up. I thought to myself how can this be, I mourned him for years. Finally after years of denial I decide to move on with life, then he walks back in. I'm not sure what to do now. Not sure if I can love him again."

So this is what I think about how my wife feels. In 96,after about 6 months of being sober because the birth of my son. I started to drink again. Maybe one day would go by without a drink but never two. I spiraled out of control. My wife hoping that I would stop again so we could be a family again. She sat and watched our marriage and me slowly disappear to alcohol. In November she said she had enough and wanted to leave. So now I quite drinking and think that everything should be ok. I want to turn back time and make everything normal.

After this weekend I understand How she feels and that I can not turn back time. She waited for years for me to stop. She thought I never could, and that things could never get better. she needed herself back not the enabler she turned into. So I quit and expect her to come running back. It took time to hurt her as much as this DZ did. I can not expect her to change her mind so quickly about this. I just pray that she can give this new person standing here a chance to better our lives together.

Hugs and Kisses
Steve

January 14, 2007

2007-01-14T21:12:00.000-05:00

Morning 2 inside the Rubber Room. Last night sleeping was strange. They gave me a sleeping pill around 10:15, out like a light by 10:30. We were watching a movie. The nurse had a hard time waking me up to go to bed. I'm not sure what time I woke up, there are no clocks in the room. I sat in the dark, feeling empty and alone. I had a massive feeling of failure to control my drinking, failure in my marriage, failure as a father, son, friend, employee, co-worker. Those words of wisdom came over me "Don't beat yourself up".

So let's try something new. "Steve, you should be proud. Your family, friends and support staff are." So, instead of beating myself up here goes the things that I should be happy about.

After drinking for 20 years, I decided not to drink anymore. I decided daily not to drink. With that good choice, it's been 46 days. I decided to seek help for my addiction. I have not missed an appointment with my AODA counselor. That was doing some good, but at an hour a week, things move slow. I decided to try AA. That was a huge help but still only 2 days a week. Still this wasn't fast enough for me. I made all the phone calls to try to find a rehab center. I made the appointment for intake. I felt good but as the days slowly approached, my depression grew faster than the days could pass. My thoughts darkened as each day passed. Soon it would consume me. When almost all rational thinking was lost and death seemed like the only answer, I found the strength to talk to my wife, talk to my best friend "M". Everyone said the same thing-I needed help that they could not give. I called the hospital. I admitted myself to the psychiatric ward. For this I feel good. Not great but good. It is important that I now realize I did this for me, not others.

In group today, one thing stuck out: "Failure is an event, it is not the person!"

Thank you everyone for your positive thoughts and prayers!

Hugs and kisses
Steve
(Typed & posted at his request by wife)

Day 45, January 13, 2007

2007-01-13T19:37:00.000-05:00

Today is day 45 or maybe I need to say Day 1. No, not again. I have decided that the depression growing inside of me was not only unhealthy for myself, but others around me. For the 3rd time in recent days I have made another small step. I voluntarily checked myself into the psychiatric ward at the hospital.

I have heard and read so much about depression and how it is normal to go through it after you stop drinking. I now feel that depression was the root of my drinking problem. It is costing $1300.00 a day to find out that I was just self-medicating it.

When checking myself in I feel like a prisoner. No shoes, belts, watches. They went through my bag and put everything away in my "locked" dresser drawers. My BB, daily prayer book and journal were the only things left out. The bathroom consists of a stainless steel sink and stainless steel toilet with no seat (just like in the prison movies). The grab bars in the shower and around the toilet are blanked off on the back so you can not slip anything around them to hang anything or anyone.

Really for the first time in my life, I am alone. Locked in a room, locked up with myself. This time alone will hopefully give me some time to really figure Steve out and what it is that makes me want to forget about life.

Today I am greAAtiful:
To be alive.
To be sober for 45 days.
For my AODA counselor who pushed me with hard questions.
For my Junior High sweetheart, who is the best friend I could ever have.
For my wife, even though our future looks bleak. It is her love and support which drove me to seek help.
For my two precious, pain in my a** boy's. They fill my life with joy.
For my HP, may I soon accept him back into my life.

Hugs & kisses
Steve

I am not OK!

2007-01-12T09:20:00.000-05:00

Can someone please tell me why "OK" is not good enough for emotion. Why can't someone just be ok. Now someone has to pipe up and say "ok" is not an emotion, how do you really feel. Well To flipping bad. I'm not "ok". What are you going to do about it. Nothing! I am the one that has to do something about it. So if I want to say I'm ok or not is my flipping business. If I want to keep all the shit inside, Its up to me to let it out. Over the last couple of days even on meds I feel myself slipping deeper over the edge into depression. I feel that there is no way back from this. The walls of hurt and anger have fallen on me, and I'm not strong enough to lift them. I just want to lie here and go home again. I want to spend time with The sister that I never knew. I just want to DIE! Last night I had a dream that my sister who died when i was two was standing by my bed, reaching for my hand and telling me that it was ok, soon all my pain would be gone, and we could go home again. I never thought this bad during my drinking days, it would kind of disappear after the first couple, and I could be a happy drunk. There is nothing happy about me now.

So I'm not ok. There I said it the earth did not stop. The sky did not fall, but the hurt, pain, sorrow, abandoned feelings, loneliness, mistrust, and complete emptiness are still here. I don't feel any better saying that. I still feel the answer is in something else. I feel that my HP is off helping someone else, and Satan stepped in. I am not sure if I can be strong enough to face him again. There is a country song that goes" I threw my hands up and the air, and prayed Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands...I don't want to do this on my own::" That is all one can do, ask for help and pray. Pray for help support wisdom and strength.

Today's prayer
"May God grant me the patience to apply those same principles of faith and acceptance which are keys to my recovery to the whole of my emotional being. May I learn to recognize the festering of my own human anger, my hurt, my frustration, my sadness. With the help of God, may I find appropriate ways to deal with these feelings without doing harm to myself or others" Jan 11 a day at a time.

The controller is not longer in control

2007-01-08T16:54:00.000-05:00

Jan 9th reflection prayer. (jumping ahead one day).
"May I learn to control my urge to control, my compulsion to manage, neaten, organize and label the lives of other."
Wow that sure says a lot to me. Besides giving up the drink that would the next hardest, giving up control. I never saw my self as a controlling until 40 some days ago. Now i see what and how bad I WAS. For everything my family wanted to do I had ten reasons why not to, most of them involved not being to far away from my drink. I found reasons why my wife couldn't sing in the church choir, interfered with a volunteer fire dept meeting night (lots of beer there). So many things, in so many ways I controlled everything in this house. My wife is slowly taking some of that control back with the hurt and anger I caused with it. I hope that it is not to late for her to forgive me from taking that from her.

Today I lost even more control of myself. As each day passes my depression grows deeper and deeper. Over the last couple weeks it has not been have i thought about suicide, it was when and how it would happen. This has scared me deeply. I do not want to hurt my wife, kids family, friends, and all my new recovery peeps out here. So today i took another step in the preservation of Steve. I went to the doctor, and told her about my thoughts, and fears. She agreed I needed to be medicated for Depression, no DA. This is something i would of never of done back 50 days. I could handle anything that life threw at me, if not alcohol would hide it.

So today, day 40 something I am happy to be here, happy for the miracle of life. Happy to have myself back. I am still counting the days to rehab. Jan 30th is getting closer.

Pot Luck Feelings

2007-01-07T09:10:00.000-05:00

Good Morning my recovery peeps. Its AA Fine beautiful morning here in Northern WI. to warm, our snow is melting, lakes not safe to ride on, but a great day to be alive. Over the last 24 hours my mind has changed several times about what to write or rant about today. My emotions are being pulled in so many directions, I'm not sure which is forward or Backwards. Well Forward, went to the last x-mas party of the year small get together of about ten, had all the escape plans set up from the in-laws taking my wife home, to making it and wanting to stay for desert. It was the first time i was in public with others drinking around me. I was worried about what could and would happen. i made it until the last 5 minutes. I was proud of myself until then. My wife works for her dad, normally she writes the check for this kind of stuff, back up plan number 6. A asked my wife to give her dad the check and let him write it, just in case we had to leave fast. The last 15 Min's the walls were closing in on me fast. i needed to get out fast. Told my wife it was time. 3 hours of watching other drink had done its toll on me. We were are the stairs going down when her dad called her over. Yes to write the check. I ran out of the restaurant. I couldn't be standing at the bar myself, not right then. I was pissed at her, once again she chose getting approval from her father over me. This was a big problem early in our marriage. We did get over this, Saturday on the home we talked about this, and how it hurt that she put her father first over me, and right then I NEEDED that support. I told her that it took awhile but I did take her away from her needing her fathers acceptance for everything, then she told me that all I did was replace it with me, instead of giving it back to her!

We talked on the way home, and she said that I seemed fine, and writing the check was a 2 min deal. Tried to explain how those feelings rush over me so quickly, and what it feels like. Somewhere around me there is a switch and someone likes just to turn it on and watch me go...crazy, so many emotion's hit me all at once I can't describe it. It is fear, anger, rage, self doubt, anxious, jealousy, fear,anger, oh i said that. I want to be able to control these feeling,,i need to control them.

Over the last couple of posts many of you are telling me to read the big Book. I can read, but no matter how hard I try they are words, I can not find the meaning behind words. Its not just the big book, its any book. My high school failed me on this one. I got more out of it during a big book meeting than trying to read it myself. I still try though. Thanks for your support and showing me exactly were to go in the book to find those answers to questions.

"Don't beat yourself up"

2007-01-04T15:49:00.000-05:00

Over the last couple of days my self doubt about taming these Dz has gone from I can do it, to struggling every second. This last week I have heard more about people slipping of the wagon than there are on it. From the guy at group the other night, to SC friend, to Scout friend how just died from a drug overdose. I heard that the holiday season is the worst, but everyday seems to be bad for someone. I have an intake appointment for Jan 30th for a rehab program. it seems so far away from here now. I call every couple of days to see what are the chances that someone else cancelled. I hate to hope that someone else is not coming to rehab so I can get in earlier. I know I must not think of just myself, but I hurt everyday, and no matter how hard I try, I hurt the ones I love around me.

Although she doesn't say it, I know that my wife supports me in my rehab. I know that a 45 day program will but a hardship on our finical status. But it is nothing compared to the hardship I have put on this family. Last night feeling down and lonely, I tried to get intimate with my wife. Even though I knew that she is unsure were we stand, and unsure if she can take the chance of getting hurt again. After my advances where brushed off, I felt guilty. I knew that she wasn't ready for anything, but i pushed on anyways. I wanted to leave the house. I felt like ,,,,shit. I told her that I was going out for awhile, put on my jacket and shoes kissed here on the for head, and said " Good-bye Honey, I can never stop loving you" and walked away. What did that mean I thought "Goodbye" you stupid fool. You are not going anywhere. There is no way that I could ever take my life. I would not want to leave my family with that burden. I sat outside looking at the stars for awhile, then came back inside. I cried on her shoulder for hours. "sorry came out at least 200 times. She hugged me last night like a friend would hug another hurting sole. She said not to beat myself up over what happened. I felt like I lost the only person that I cared for in this world. I cried about failing. Thinking of the family that is starting over at day one again. She told me to be strong, that I could do it. Day by dayIistay sober.

I am unsure today were my life takes me. This has been one long, bad roller coster ride. The one thing that I can say is that there does seem to be more highs than lows lately. So tonight when I go to bed I will try to remember those words" Don't beat yourself up over something that you have no control over,,,,Others have fallen....that doesn't mean that you will."""

Don't beat yourself up today,,,was the first thing I said to myself this morning.

Hugs and kisses

Feeling like a second away from day one.

2007-01-03T15:27:00.001-05:00

My thoughts today are with Soberchick friend "D". How hard it most of been to go through 18 months of sobriety to start over at day one. I know that I am the new kid on the block with only 30 plus days in. Today is day 35 for me, right now hearing about how easy it is to slip has me scared that I will not see day 36. Right now I feel like crawling inside that bottle and hiding for hours. Figuring that should take away my pain for at least a little time. SC told me on day 30 not to go have a drink to celebrate. i thought how stupid was that. But after some thought she must of been in my head, or just in the same place before. I did think day 30, that was easy, what would just one drink do to me. I can handle it. I know that I can't. Last night at the tables there was man there that talked about him slipping. He had 14 years in thought he was cured just a drink with dinner, well maybe just one more etc. He slipped. He was been sober again for 2 years straight. He said that he should have 28 years sobriety, just not all at once.

Last night on my home from the AA meeting I counted those really neat neon signs that call us back everyday, some Miller, Bud, Cold Beer. Funny its about 35 miles from my house to where I went last night. 33 bars/taverns between those points, you can tell I live in Wisconsin. A little over one mile part. I texted a great friend and said that I was stronger than those signs. I would be OK. I'm not really sure what OK means right now though. My family and friends ask how are things going with you, your drinking, marriage...What else can one say ..."OK". I guess I lie pretty good. I hurt and I hurt everyday. With everyday that passes it is one less day that I will be able to spend with my wife. Until she said that she wasn't happy and wanted to leave after the holidays I did forget how much I love her, how much she is my other half. At first I did quit drinking for her. Now I know it is for me. If I hated that drunk in the mirror, how could I expect her to love me.

"D" were ever you are, I with many others prayed for you last night. Hoping that you will find your way back to the tables. Just like I know that others will pray for strentgh for me to get through these hard times.
Thanks and God bless

The things I didn't miss this New Years

2007-01-02T15:29:00.000-05:00

Today I was talking to a friend and she thought that she might be coming down with a cold. After talking for a bit she thought maybe it was still from New Years Eve. She dosen't drink a whole lot, when she does, she is down for a couple days. That made me think of what I'm gratefull for. Here are a list of the things that I did not miss Jan 1st.
#1 The head pounding earth moving headache
#2 looking in my wallet or checkbook to see how much I spent that night
#3 The look on my face, and my reaction to getting up aat noon, with all the things that needed to be done not even started.
#4 The look of disappointment on my kids faces when I said I didn't want to do anything
#5 The huge pile of empty beer cans lying around the house and my truck.
#6 The most important that I do not miss is asking my wife to drive home again since I had to much to drink again.

I am Much happier now since I dont drink. One day at a time works, and it is working for me.

New Years with new Beginnigs

2007-01-01T20:58:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year to all who stop by. With 35 days into my recovery I most remember how I got here and never lose sight of how far I sank before beginning this new path.

Last week while putting somethings away in my teenagers sons room, we found lighters, bottles made into homemade bongs. This put up big flags in my mind. Nothing was hidden, in plan view. I sat there in shock, apple didn't fall far from the tree. We talked to him and told him either he gets everything out of his room or we would. That night he came out with bags crap, empty cig cartons, booze bottles, lighters, pipes. My wife and I sat in shock. He was calm when we talked and laid down some rules about using in this house. So last night New Years eve, what should we do. There was a pot luck dinner of NA and open to others like AA, it was an open speaker meeting. Brought him with. Made him sit through the meeting. I think him hearing the speakers opened his eyes, if only a little.

During the introductions it was hard for me to say, "I'm Steve and I'm an Alcoholic" in front of my wife and kids. I am an Alcoholic it is nothing that I can run from anymore. I hope he choosing a clean path before he has to follow the path that we are now walking down.

I know from what I have learned I need to concentrate on me. But this is my son. I do not want to see him make the same mistakes that I have made. Of course he said he didn't listen, but I know he did. Maybe some good did come out of last night.

Happy New Year to all.

Dec 20, Day 22.

2006-12-31T16:10:00.000-05:00

Feeling strange about the Christmas party thing. Not sure if I should attend or not. Talked to the AODA counselor about it, talk at group last night. Why, if everyone says it is a bad idea, do I want to go? She hit it on the head.

I'm pissed. I'm mad at my wife, in-laws, co-workers, fire department members. I'm pissed because they can drink and I can't. That anger is consuming me right now. The way that I consumed the drink, anger is slowly taking over my body. for everyday of sobriety, I gain more of myself back. This is the part of me that I buried in the drink. ANGER. When I would get upset, I stopped yelling, throwing things years ago. I changed to something even more destructive-alcohol. Bad days at work, meant more drinks at night. Bad night at home, more drinks at home. Move to the basement or garage, yard, away from others. I find myself losing it at the slightest problem. I'm acting like a simple mistake is the end of the world, from co-workers making a mistake, to my wife being busy at work and getting home late for lunch. This anger...this rage building inside scares me, scares me so much that I'm not sure who I'm turning into. 90% of the time I'm the Steve that L. and my family loved. Then this ugly side comes out of nowhere. No way to control it. Sometimes it takes all my courage to tame it. I am trying to control it, but it seems the harder I try the more it shows it's ugly head.

So why should I be so pissed at everyone because they can drink? I, Steve, am the one with problem, not them. I am the one who wants his life back. I am the alcoholic, not them. So why...why...why. I love the steps that I am taking in my life right now. I would not trade them for a drink anytime. I just need to control this part of me that is starting to consume my soul again. Somewhere in the big book I'm sure the answer is there. I need to find it myself, within myself.

At the AA meeting, they are closed with the Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change the fact that others drink.
I can and did change the fact that I can't drink anymore for me, it was leading me down a path of self-destruction.
And somehow God is guiding me through this knowing it is rough, but He is by my side holding my hand through this tempting time.

So this week, when glasses of good cheer are raised, I will raise one too, just alcohol freeeeeeeeee.

Dec 19, Day 21. My first true love

2006-12-31T15:41:00.000-05:00

I sit here and reflect on the 21 days in my life. The changes that I have gone through, physically and mentally. somewhere last night I thought about this, and how good it is for me, not others, me. I started to think about everything that has happened over the last couple of years. How I hated what I turned into, but felt helpless to stop it. Thought about the pain I caused everyone, the ones closest to me, the ones that loved me so much. I started to think about the loves in my life. They say that you never forget your first true love. Right now I'm not sure who that is.

For years, I thought is was M. My first real crush, first girlfriend, first heart break of many by her (ok, US). I felt so unworthy of her love that it made me jealous if she talked to someone better looking, smarter, more athletic than me. To this day I can close my eyes, and see the glow of her smile, her hair blowing in the wind at our 8th grade picnic. I can see and feel the hurt that I caused one Wednesday night many years ago. I felt so unworthy of her love that I got what I deserved, dumped. I did love her, still do, but that night I said if she wouldn't have me, no one ever would. I called her to say goodbye, we cried for hours, she begged me to shut up. she made me promise that I wouldn't do anything stupid. I did promise on our love and friendship. We are still good friends to this day. I could and would not be here without her, and for that I am ever grateful.

Later I would meet V. We seemed happy together. Had the same likes and dislikes. We spent 1 1/2 years dating, and we grew together as most couples do. On my Senior Prom night, I got a hotel room for the night. Dropped the bill at her house. Needless to say, her parents were not happy. couldn't see her anymore. We would sneak around for another 6 months, then I got the hairbrained idea to marry her. Her dad would have to let me see her then. No go. It lasted another 1 1/2 years. Then I found out she was sleeping with the guy that was supposed to be my best man. I now believe that I never really loved her and she never loved me. We were young and told not to see each other, so we'll prove you wrong. It ended badly.

I later met the love of my life, my wife for the last 17 1/2 years and still loving her. We have had our struggles as many do. From money, kids, family, and drifting apart emotionally. Several years ago, I thought I could find happiness in the arms of another woman. She did make me feel special again, but when it came right down to it, I loved my wife, and I promised to love her for better or worse till death do us part. I believe that L. is my true other half, the part that does complete me. for years I was yelled at for finishing her sentences or cutting her off in mid-sentence. Most of that time it was something that I didn't want to hear. I have not really told her that I loved her in years, and didn't do things to back up those words. So, now I want her to believe whatever I say. I do not deserve that right now. My actions must speak louder than those words could. I need to prove to my wife that love is something still inside me. that I truly do love her with all of my heart and soul like I say. I know now that just love and words can not take back the pain that I caused, not just through my drinking, but from the actions that followed.

3 weeks ago this would be easy. My first love would be M. My first true love would be L. Today I am not sure who it is. I found a new love lately. One that has been here all this time. ME. I'm not sure how I fit into the picture now. All I do know is that I caused so much hurt in my life, that first I must learn to love myself again. Give ME to myself unconditionally. Then I can repair to rest. So as of right now:
I love Steve,
I love my God, who has guided me all these years without my asking,
I love my wife, the true love of my life,
I love my friend, M., the first love,
I love my children, for they give me a purpose to continue on in sobriety,
I love my family and friends, old and new,
Oh, did I say that I LOVE being sober!

So, I sit here again, and SAY something different again.
I love my first true love......ME......Steve.

Dec 15, Day 17. Alone on my path

2006-12-31T15:16:00.000-05:00

Today I tried to walk the new path in my life. I felt lost, and alone. I have heard and talked about this new path, new way of life for me. One with sobriety, and people there to guide me. I felt hurt, abandoned and left out to dry. I had the numbers of new friends that I have met at the AA meeting. The blogs and words of wisdom from others. But still I could not move my feet.

This new path that I had chosen looked familiar. The path was littered with broken parts of objects. It was hard to move without stepping on something. I bent over to move something, and then I saw what I was standing on. For these were no ordinary objects they were all pieces, pieces of myself, pieces that were torn off my body during my self-destruction. My hands became very full. I picked up another piece to see it was part of my wife, another part of my kids, parts from my family. I slowly began to cry. These are parts that my family and friends lost because of my drinking. The parts that were lost that are now replaced with walls. I quickly picked up what I could. My hands began to fill up again. So many parts, so much hurt. I had to make a decision, what could I bring and what could I leave behind. Night was beginning to upon this trail. The stars began to shine. I sat there on a stump looking at each piece. My sons missing me at teacher conferences, my wife missing my compassion. SO much hurt. To much to take. I need to bring these pieces back. I needed to fix them. Fix the problems that I had caused.

As I sat there, crying now, I picked up a piece. It brought a smile to my face, a twinkle to my eye. It was a person that I fell in love with many years ago. A friend that I hurt badly, I forgot all about this person, the love and good times we shared. The stories about trouble we avoided. The tales of childhood pranks. For this person that I hurt was not just any friend, not just any love, not just any memory. It was me.

I held that part tight close to my heart, dropping the others. I knew if I was to fix the others I must fix myself. I must begin to love myself. As God loved us so much that He gave us His only son, I must have that love for myself to give anything back. so when I stood to continue down this path, the other parts moved slightly. Just far enough out of the way not to be walked on, but close enough for me to remember the pain. I held myself tight, and walked. I began to notice other lights, voices began to be heard. Faces and other paths appeared. For this whole time that I thought I was alone, I wasn't. Others watched just out of sight. They knew that this was something I needed to do. Something I needed to know. I began to smile, not just me, but that part of me that was lost for so long. I found myself, and I love it. I am so filled with life, that I glow. As long as I can keep the others at my side, holding their lights, my path is brightly lit.

I promised myself to be back for the other parts, the parts from others that I have hurt. The people that I must make amends to. As soon as Steve is back, healthy, I will be back for them, and try to repair all the hurt I caused.

Dec 10, Day 12. First meeting

2006-12-31T14:39:00.000-05:00

This morning when I awoke I was looking for a fight. An argument with my wife, kids, anything to give me a reason why not to go. I started to get Christmas things together. Setting up the tree in the front yard, lights out. Anything that might let me forget about the AA meeting. I am a very open person one on one, but in front of others I'm quit and shy. So i decided it was time to go, yes i would be late, maybe another reason why not to go. If I was late why bother going in. I made it there late, but I did go in. Not sure where to go I walked towards the counter. A lady asked if I was here for the meeting, and I said yes. She then told me in a soft sweet voice, the meeting was downstairs. I didn't know what to expect when I opened that door. There were so many people there, young and old, Male and Female. At first I sat there looking around at everyone, the words from the speakers fell on death ears. I was looking around to see if I knew anyone, how embarrassing would that be. After awhile I sat and listened, the introductions, and the stories. I was not alone there. As they gave out information about aa events, they asked if anyone was from out of town,,,,any ones first meeting. Well I almost didn't raise my hand, but this was why I was here, for help. The applause was loud and comforting. A lady come over and welcomed me with a hug and gave me a chip, 24 hours, one day at a time. We then broke into groups. I was in group five. Before going into the group I went to the washroom to compose myself. As I was walking out a man introduced himself to me, "I'm Rick, welcome Steve. Don't worry we all walked down those steps once for the first time. I'm in group five also, everything will be ok."

I sat in the group listening to stories how everyone got there. I was the third at the table, I passed when it came to me to talk, i said that I was not strong enough yet. After the other people went Rick told another story about the family and friends gathered around these tables. They were not here just for themselves but here for other like myself. I sat there holding back my tears, like I'm doing now. He handed me a copy of the big book that the others had signed and wrote thoughts and wishes in for me. He then asked if there was anything I wanted to ask or say. I sat there, the words in my mind couldn't find my mouth. A lady across the table from me, who was there for court ordered inpatient care for attempting suicide to control her drinking said "Steve we have been here for awhile if you can't share with us, its ok. With time you will find strength inside yourself to talk to us or your higher power." This lady, a stranger just told me how she hurt so bad that she didn't want to live. She found a purpose to be here today and said God wasn't done with her yet, that's why she was still here. I thought again and found those words

"My Name is Steve and I'm an Alcoholic..."

The tears followed as I talked, I was comforted knowing that I was not alone. There are others there for me on this new journey in my life. I know that it will not be sugar coated and easy. But never less on this journey I will not be alone, others have made this journey and light the path I now walk down. Rick said others where there first, they are here now, and I will be there for others to follow, because if you don't share the path with others what good is it.
So as I walk down this path for the first time in my life I am guided by many that were here before me, but thanks to the few special people that hold that light high, your strength will guide me. Thanks SC

Thanks for your prayers I need them.

Dec 8th 2006...Day 10

2006-12-31T09:52:00.000-05:00

As I sit here and think of the last ten days. I reflect back on the last ten years of my life. The things I missed, the people I hurt, the wife I lost, and the respect of my kids. Yesterday at counseling I was asked how did it feel that I chose alcohol over my family, even when I knew that it hurt them. I was told that I have control issues. I always want to be in control of things and people around me. Could this be the fact I couldn't control myself. The fact that alcohol has controlled me for so many years. I sit here and think of the what ifs and I wish I could take them back. Well to this day there is no magic trick for that to happen. I have to deal with the present, with effects of those actions. With time and Help I hope to restore the old Steve, the one who loved life, the one who cared about others.

Over the last couple years it was easier to bury my head in a can of beer, then it was to face my problems. Now I face it everyday, ME. I have hurt many of my friends and family. I never knew how far I had fallen. People I knew for only a short time saw I had a problem, but why couldn't I. I can only blame myself, NO ONE ELSE. I drank every can of beer, not them. I told myself if I ever turned out to be like my grandfather I would rather be dead. He was a mean functioning drunk who beat people closet to him. Well I should be dead, I turned out just like him. I don't beat people physically, but mentally, I am a drunk!

So on this day, day ten, i can only promise to the people that I have hurt that there is a new Steve coming. A caring and passionate man, one with a better understanding of what life is. What life is not. It is not a perfect clean house, perfect lawn, with not bikes or toys lying around, a perfect vacation. Life is nothing if you have driven everyone that cares about you away. The perfect house is nothing without a family. It may look nice from the outside, but the inside is dark and lonely. This is the way my heart feels now, dark, lonely, and empty. I hope and pray the stopping drinking and stop hurting the ones close to me can someday fill my life with love and laughter again.

Letter to SC (on day four)

2006-12-30T09:37:00.000-05:00

Dec 2, 2006

Thanks for the encouragement of Starting a recovery blog. Right now I do not think that I am strong enough. I was amazed on how many people like yourself are there for support. I called AA this morning about a meeting, all I got was voice mail. Found meeting dates in the area from the net. My company Christmas party is today, passing it up. There wouldn't be a day five. Like I said not strong enough.

So if I was to write a blog this would be my start...

On day Four God created the seasons for days and years...God made two great lights to rule the day, and a lessor to rule the night, he then created stars. God then set them fourth to give light upon the earth one to rule the day, the other to rule the night. and God saw it was good.

So day Four for Steve
I have awoken to a new beginning. A new day with new hope. The sun has always rose in my life and darkness has always followed. A drink has also followed these times, by nightfall it would consume me. So this morning with a new day upon us something was different, for the first time in years my world was not cloudy, there was hope, there was life. So tonight when darkness falls, it falls upon a new person, one with hope, one with love for myself, wife and kids. As the stars start to glow I will remember the wish I made last week. The wish for strength for stopping and controlling my drinking.
And Steve saw that this was good