She made me cry!!!!!

Wow. With one of my last days in group, they saw the real Steve. I cried right from the get go. I read the story about GOD and the double bike. Letting god get in front and steer, pedal giving him control. I failed so badly at this during my DZ. She got inside me today, made me, ok I let myself, leave the pile at shit at the door today. All the things I wanted to say for months, for years, I had never had the strenght to say. I was scared, mad and upset. i crying now in the YMCA with 30 kids looking at me funny. But I don't care. This is my program. This is my life today. A life without substance abuse. A clean life, a better life. I wanted to say so much more but I couldn't no matter what I said it was said with tears. Big tears. This 45 days drove my wife further away, but I came back. I drove her away thinking I needed her to make me strong. I am strong. I can be strong I just need to believe in myself. Like other believe in me. The way God believes in me. Thurs night is my medallion ceremony. I leave Friday. Not sure if I am ready, for how much I wanted to walk in the beginning I want to stay now. Boy how I have grown.

I need to get going right now. Kids on spring break, waiting list for PC.

Peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

Found in Rehab

Found: A 40 year male, slightly balding, a little over weight. What hair there is is brown with brown eyes. A very good sense of humor. A man who loves life, loves his family and friends. A man with a sense of direction. A man who has surrendered himself to a HP. and admitted to himself that he has a disease called Alcoholism.

Now that I found myself I know what I need to do with myself. Embrace this new life of sobriety. With AA and my friends at my back I will walk out of rehab next week with my head held high, knowing that I am not a loser, not a failure, no a problem of society. I am Special. I am Loved, I am an alcoholic named Steve. That 8 days That I was home during rehab. I know believe it was my HP telling me to grow up. Get with it. Embrace him, and embrace the program. sh*t or get of the pot. Be in AA not around it. I grew up so much. Today should of been my last day. I would not be ready to walk out these doors today. i know what is waiting out there will be there next week, but for Today I am safe in these walls for another 7 days. & more days of tools, 7 more days or serene peacefully being. I'm going home on a pass this weekend. Hope to take the boys to a water park, and laugh and play like I was 7 again. Be Stevie the kid again. Laugh and cry like a kid. Today in Art therapy we had a shaving creme fight. Took me back to being a kid again. I can laugh and smile without booze, without it aid. I can be the life of a party sober. I can be Steve!!!!!

I'm at the YMCA right now. Between treatment and this place I have remained sain. Without the workout of the physical and mental side I would not be whole. Without All of you I would not be who I am today. A person in recovery. I am ready to go out and face the world, but slowly, with tools in my hands and the instructions manual of the big book. I will be ok. Hold on tight, more will be reveled. WOW what strong words.

Going swimming. Wish you could see me right now jamming to some song on MTV. My kids would be laughing. "Some rap crap" in my words. I danced the other night to "junk in my trunk" who would of thought.

Peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve

So mad I'm shaking

This is going to be short. Like my visting hours today. From 1-4:45. 3 hours and 45 mins to catch up on my week. i just talked, ok yelled at my wife. Its 1;15 and she hasn't left our house yet. A 40 min drive down here. At least one more hour I will miss out of their week. She sees them all week. But it was more important for her to spend time with her parents, after seeing them all weekend then it was for me to see my kids for just under 4 hours. She sees her dad everyday at work. I didn't go home this weekend so they could help grandpa with some things around his house. My wife wanted some alone time. So I guess I needed it to. I'm so ....ed at her right how. My hands are shaking. She should be her in 20 mins. So I don't have much time to get rid of this anger building into furry. I'm looking in the bag of tools that i have learned so I don't loose anymore time with them today. My wife has made it clear that it is over between us. But I still love her, and I love my kids. And every minute does count. Thanks for being there for me today. Thank you god for another 24 hours of sobriety.

Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Mixed up in rehab

Weird how I have grown so much in these last couple of weeks. Blogging does not seem to be that important to me right now. At first I thought coming over to the YMCA would be great. Checking email, blogging, and maybe do some weights. Just the opposite. I have been working on my mind and body, not so much on blogging. I fell great about myself. I lost almost 50 pounds since I quite drinking. Need to buy new clothes since my pants are falling off of me. Called SC to challenge her to a race. Put all this to the test, boot camp versus rehab. But its not versus, its a team effort. I couldn't of done these without her strength, your strength and mine, did I mention HP. in the early days of my recovery I felt alone. I found strength in all of you. I use your thoughts prayers and wisdom daily. I think about all your comments on my blog and others. I smile when I see "US" do things for others , like scout "borrowing" a key tag for meg, but not for herself. Prayers for the fallen, or ones that have strayed away from our tables. Prayers and angels sent to me the last couple of weeks.

I pray nightly for others not myself, not for what I need. Or what I think I need. If I need it God will see that I get it. I go back to the Doc Fri to finally get the results back from two weeks ago. Hope I didn't have 2 weeks to live. LOL I have a sense of humor, a real one without alcohol. So much seems to be real in my life now. I Helped my wife pack up last weekend to move out. So does need her space, it hurts, but if it was meant to be it will come back. If our marriage doesn't work, I gained a great friend in her. We have talked more like friends these last two weeks than we have in years honest conversions. Both of us talked not just me, and her listening. Honest truthful and a whole lot of tears. Today during my 2nd first step I was called a fake, minimizing my drinking. I let it go. Cried for an hour while talking in group. A bald 40 year crying like a 4 year old, something I needed to do years ago. Let it out. It felt great.

Well gotta run my time is up. Going to go hit the pool for 20 Min's before i have to be back. Still snow here in WI. Spring is right around the corner though, I can smell it in the air

Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Peom of Strength

This is something My roommate in Rehab Wrote after his 5Th step. I've been praying a lot today about guidance in my decision about returning into rehab. This seemed fitting to post today.

God I Surrender
I've come to lay my burdens down.
I feel you enter into my soul,
to fill the void, the gaping hole
My body goes numb, and tingles inside,
to the core, my heart,where you reside.
the serenity, and hope, I now can feel.
My faith in you no one can steel
things in the past could bring me down
They make me sad, make me frown
With new light from you I start to grow
I'll share it with others, and try to show
how you lifted me up with love, and regard,
when I slipped and fell to the ground so hard.
Your Love is unfailing, so Awesome, and true
It brings me through times when my vision is eschewed.
Please keep me, always, in the palm of your hand
When my knees go weak give me strength to stand.
In time I'll find your plan for me.
I'll embrace it with faith, ambition, and glee.
So thank you, lord, for all you have done
Especially for Jesus, sacrificing your son.

Forever Grateful
Me
Jeremiah

I needed him as a roommate I found faith, and strength inside him, and use it daily. Time for bed, I haven't been sleeping much, taking some sleeping pills so I can get some shut eye. I was only getting 2 hours a night for awhile, running on fumes. Doing better now, getting better.

Peace
Hugs and kisses

Steve

HP Answers

WOW, where do I start. Treatment has been a great emotional roller coaster ride. Every time I thought it couldn't get worse it did. Another layer of shame and hurt uncovered. In 27 days in treatment I uncovered so much hurt, and pain that death did sound like a option. But I did not keep that option open for long. I do have so much to live for, like another 24 hours. I have found a new person under all that hurt and shame. I person that was buried years ago. A better person than I ever knew existed. A much better loving and caring person. A person who cares about what he did and how it hurt others.

When I walked out of treatment on Monday I thought it was for all the right reasons. Without going into a real long story, and he said and she said. Last Thurs i was to start fasting and drinking some fluids to flush my body for a surgical procedure on Fri. My Doc said that I needed my own bath room once I started this between 1-3 pm. It would take 6 to ten hours for it to run it course. My wife would have to leave work to pick me up. She really didn't want to. She called my counselor and asked if their were any medical reasons why I couldn't wait until 6 to be picked up and drive home 45 Min's then. He said no none at all, even though my doc told me to be home a detox room, or admit myself to the hospital. I called my neighbor to pick me up at 2pm. When my wife got home and saw how much pain and physical shape i was in felt bad, and was mad that he told her to need to pick me up. MY DOC thought so, but he was smarter than him. I went in and asked for a counselor change on Monday after the returning back to rehab. I was told they could but only after another week with him, since a counselor was on vacation. I swalled some pride and said OK. He started in right away about him calling my wife and checking up on me, attending family group with my kids, and participating in my recovery. My wife made it clear to me over the weekend how she felt talking to him, twisting her words back to me, her giving guarded responses she he couldn't twist them into something that they were not. This was my recovery not hers. Once he tried to drag my family back into this pain all over again. I put my foot down. I said they have been Thur enough, I guilted my wife into coming down to family group with the kids. It put her and them Thur so make pain, I couldn't do that again, So I walked. I did something for my family, instead of me, and it felt right.

So today about 3 hours ago I was getting ready to post. wasn't sure what to write without sounding negative and self beating about failure. This would be hard I thought. I really wanted to finish this to show myself that i could finish this one thing I started. The phone rang and it was the director of the treatment place. Talked to him about my issues and concerns. About how I felt and my wife felt. Told him that i was also partly to blame for not telling my counselor 100% of the test procedures I was having on FRI, and the prep needed on Thurs. I gave him what I felt was need to know, but left copies of the docs instructions with the house staff. i never followed up to make sure he got them. He then offered me a chance to come back and finish treatment next week when the other counselor returns. I jumped at that chance. A chance to Finish this. My prayers were answered another chance.

So this new chance Starts next Tues March 6, 2007 at 9 am. This is going to sound, well like someone had a hand in this. I was born on March 6, 1967 at 9:07. i will be entering rehab almost exactly 40 years after my birth. I get another birth this day, to do with it as I want, to make it something. To start over with a fresh slate. A drawing that I can only draw with help from HP and all of you behind me.

The one thing I forgot to say to myself on Monday with all the talk about failing. "Good job Steve, you made it 90 days without drinking, how special is that!!!!"

I walked Today

I will post later. I walked out of rehab today. One more thing i failed in my life. I am not staying on this pity pot long though. Meeting tonight. Called my sponser. Called my AODA counslor. 90 Sober TODAY< Just another 24 hours!!!

Sorry for letting everyone down

In Recovery?

Recovery is exhausting. Its hard to believe that it is Sun Afternoon. I came home on a weekend pass. I had to go into the Hospital Fri For some tests, so I came home to recover for the weekend. I was so scared Wed and Thurs when they told me I had to have these tests. But instead of worrying, i found myself doing something different. I prayed, I turned it over to my higher power. Me praying who would of thought that would ever happen. I have grown so much in rehab. I find it completely exhausting. There is so much hope for me I have to focus on that, and that alone. I still find it hard to focus on me and not my failing marriage. I keep saying I must fix myself, before I can any help to others. They are just words at times. My heart breaks daily when I relive the pain I caused my family, the thoughts of how I scared them emotionally. I know I most worry about me, I am getting that. Slowly I am getting better.

I wrote my wife many poems in rehab, I sit back and think of this sweet caring loving man who thoughts make me cry at sight of these words. Where was he for so long. Why couldn't he get here when my wife needed him the most. Why did it take her leaving to come back. Why, its to late to answer that, Just to late. Here is one that I can share with you. By the time most of you read this I will be sober for Ninety Days.

Control

Control friend or foe
Do we ever really know
Sometimes it is good
Sometimes it can be bad
which in turns makes my wife sad

Sometimes control is needed
but warning signs should be heeded
We should be careful in our voice
Since for others we made that choice

So Today when I awake
I will give thanks for havens sake
For i know I'm not at the wheel
I will sit back and not make a deal
And just except that fact
That GOD really does have my back

Love Always
Steve

Sending hugs to all my Valentines

Hey recovering Peeps. Just had a great work out the Y. SC you better watch out. My spirts are much higher this week. Day 15 Now. When I meet my HP we are going to have a long talk. They say God never throws anything at you that you can not handle. I really thought there might be a break between those curve balls though. But I'm still swinging at them. I'm not giving up. I'm stronger than I realized. I just didn't believe in myself, when others did. So I only have 15 mins at the computer at the Y so this will be short. BUT sweet. Just like all the prayers, and wishes. I have been hitting the floor with hands folded kneeling by the beside nightly and giving thanks to my higher power. And in the morning just asking my HP to help get me through the day without quiting or drinking.

Well I goto run,,really run. Have 10 mins to get back to rehab. This is neat that I can come over to the YMCA. I'm getting back in shape, and feeling great about it. Hope you all have a great Valentines day. Hope to chat again soon. I'm cooking Thurs so it will probably be this weekend before I can post again.

Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Eight Days in Rehab

Hey peeps. Whaz up. Ok this is a front. I'm at the YMCA right now. i can come over here for an hour a day for excise. So this will be short. This is harder than I thought Physically and mentally. I had my bags packed and ready to Walk Sunday night. I stayed. My mind is not here. My wife rented a house, and is starting to move out. My mind is there now. I have been trying to get it back into the program, but it is hard. Today is better. Keeping my spirts up. I couldn't wait to get over here to read and post comments to you guys. I have been praying daily just like when I was a kid. my sponsor told me to start hitting the floor daily. It has helped. Sun night when I was all worked up a retired Pasteur who works there, came into my room we talked for 3 hours. At 4 am he said a prayer asking God to help me sleep by lifting some of my burdens off of me. So I could get the needed sleep I needed. It helped.

Well I will post more later. I want to go vist your sites. Thanks for the prayers.

Hugs and Kisses
Steve