Isolaction

I'm really not sure if I know what the next right thing is anymore. Go to meeting and don't drink. I know that I'm just a little pup walking this journey, and I know that it is a journey, but how come I feel that I walk three steps and fall backwards six steps. I got an email from a friend yesterday saying that now is the time to focus on Steve. I read into it even more they are the same words that my counselor said. Let go of my marriage spend this time to get to know Steve. He scares me. What if I don't like what I see. I'm not sure why i couldn't even get out of bed this morning.

Well 24 hours now. Its 10:30 I just got out of bed again. My mom called worrying that she hasn't heard from me in a few days. I did get dressed yesterday and went to a meeting, and yes I felt better. I'm working on so many things. Ellie sent me a email with all kinds of encouragement. She is right It is time to discover Steve. I'm sitting here just crying now. I just turned 40 and now I'm saying I need to go find myself. I'm in so much denial that it hurts, it kills. I have a king size bed, there is so much shit pilled up on it that there is just enough room for me to lie on the edge of the bed. I don't want to clean it because I will remember how big it is and how alone I am. The last couple of days I haven't been asking God for another 24 hours, just asking him for the next hour.

My gratitude list the other day really lifted me, how easy was it to make that list. The sun is shinning, the birds chirping. That's part of My pain, I see a bird fly bye and think about my wife, and her poem. She gave me another quote the other day.

God loved the birds and invented trees.
Man loved the birds and invented cages.
Jacques Deval

How long I kept her that cage. Now she is flying free of my grasp, and doesn't want to return. even if I through away that cage. She is convinced that I can not change. I feel like that poem could be any of us. It also makes me think about what alcohol did to me. Kept me locked in. I'm trying to get out, but I'm scared that the door might be slammed shut on me. I know that I made my bed and now I must sleep on it. That's why I can't clean it off. I'm so full of pain today. I know what to do, but why can't I pick up that phone, call. I'm afraid, afraid of being hurt again. I just want to be me, alone, and unworthy of any ones love.

"I'll be there, when no one is around I'll be the rock you lean on" That song was just playing on the radio. I know that God is there for me. You are all here for me, but I still feel that I can do this on my own.

I'm not drinking and my life is getting better. I need to trust the process. Yes it is a process. I think about all the lectures I heard in treatment, that word was said a lot "process" Well it is. I need to get off my ass and trust the process. Thinks may be rough now, but the crap I'm walking thru now is the crap i put my family thru during my using days. I will make it out of this crap, and will be stronger. Now I just need to believe this.

peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve

How it Works

Well we are told that " Rarely have we seen a person fail who has not thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who can not or will not completely give themselves to this simple program....."

I had a greAAt meeting last night. The meeting that I hate going to. they are really overbearing about that their group is the only group that can save me. If I do not choose them as a home group I will fail. i leave that part at the tables I go for me. So back to the meeting. Even though they are not my home group they see me twice a week. they even said, Steve you are doing great. Keep working the steps, and just don't think. Keep it simple. So This morning that is what I'm going to do.

Today I'm grateful that my kids are coming over to spend the day with me.

I'm greatful that my HP let the sunshine
I'm greatful for another 24 hours
I'm greatful for the understanding of my x-boss'
I'm greatful that it is another 24 hours closer to seeing my parents come home from FL
I'm greatful My rehab "classmates"
I'm greatful that my dog is still alive
I'm great ful that Dell had a sale on PC's
I'm greatful that I can give myself to this simple program
I'm gretful for my blogging peeps
I'm greatful to reach out and talk to sober friends
I'm greatful to Lush for keeping me sober
I'm greatful to my sponsor, for not taking my controlling shi*
I'm greatful for life todAAy.

Keep it Simple stupid, Thats you Steve.

Have a great Saturday. I will no matter what.

Love ya all
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Oh I'm greatful that coffee is done!!!!!!!

You Are Doing Great Steve

Where do I start about this weekend. First Thanks to my Higher Power I'm still 130 sober. I wasn't sure about going to Chicago at all last weekend. I didn't think I was ready. I'm not second guessing things, but I sure was tested. On Thursday Morning I went to AA meeting. I was already looking at meeting In Chic on the web before I left for the meeting. I called my mom in FL to try to find a road in the town I grew up in. No luck. Well At this meeting my HP put someone next to me that did. This was my first time at this meeting. Her first time back in a long time. Well it turned out that this street I was looking for in Chicago is one of her home groups. 6;30 am everyday of the week. They had 7 meeting there a day! Wow. ok I would be ok. Waited for the kids to get home from School then left. Got down there about 10;30pm. My friend an old girl friend from JR. High, ok my first love. Was bolwing, her husband was home with their kids. She got home from bowling just plastered (hope she doesn't read this one). Her kids where home from college playing beer pong. the basement just stunk of beer. I wanted to run and hide so bad. Made it Thur Thurs. Another 24 hours.

So Friday Now. Yep I sleep in, missed that 6:30 meeting. Went shopping with my friend, they where having about 25 people over on Easter. Made it thru the grocery Store. Going to the front she was walking straight into the "FORBEN ZONE" So i waited as she got the booze for the weekend. I do have to say it was nice not to have to stop at a gas station Thurs night to pick up beer before I went to their house. The kids played great all day. Even couch slug teenager was outside. I tried to skateboard on some ramp in the back yard. Not smart to do after surgery. Thanks HP for only bruising my ego. I went to a meeting Friday after. I left about 90 Min's early, had to get out of the house. It was at a church in the next town. It was stations of the cross. so I sat there until it was time for the meeting. Had a great meeting. They asked if I needed a meeting list said no of course I still think I can do this by myself all the time. During my sharing the tears Begin to flow when I talked about first holiday without my wife, being alone, watching kids drink. Just seeing all that BOOZE. They past a meeting list around the table. It got back around to me with about 20 numbers of men in the area to talk to if I needed. Cool. Well Friday night. I went out to a bar with my friend and their neighbors. One of them played in the band. I was feeling pretty good, maybe to good. I never wanted a drink, but i did think about getting an odouls or something. Finally after an hour of throwing a pity party for myself that I couldn't drink. I got dragged out on the dance floor. Yes I thought I couldn't dance sober. Well I did, and I think I did pretty good. I danced a lot after that. It took sometime to get me out of my shell but then I felt great. I was so looking forward to closing a bar, SOBER. But we had a promise M. promised we could leave if I needed to escape. Well she neeeded it, she was tired, that wimp. Had a Blast Sober, no using thoughts either!!!

Saturday. Up bright and early at 8 am lol. Yes no meeting again. Got the kids going and left to go play tourist in downtown Chicago. I grew up in the Northwest Suburbs of Chicago, but never really went downtown. Went to the Sears Tower..Cloudy day but could see 15-20 miles. It was neat to look out over the lake, and towards the burbs. Saw Solider Field, and Comisky park, ok whatever it is called this year. GO SOX. After the tower we went to lunch. Chicago style stuffed Pizza....melt in your mouth. We talked about doing the 2 hour trolley ride around the city but it was already 2 pm. Kids getting tired and crabby, epically the teenager. It was only 30 and windy so we left and went to my Grandmother house. Had a great visit with her. Went to Red Lobster for dinner. Stayed at Grams Sat night. My brother and his two kids came over Sun morning and we did brunch. Great Visit. Drove back up to the north side. Stopped at my other Bro's house. his son was still at his moms, so we didn't stay long. By now it was 5pm went back to my friends house again. dinner was at 3 there. Figured dinner would be done, and maybe some of the house cleared out. NO such luck. We got there and almost everybody was downstairs playing beer pong. I stayed upstairs and watched golf, no not my choice. After about 3 hours I found myself downstairs watching this game of pong, thinking about getting some Odouls and I would play. Thought to myself, Get the hell out of here NOW. So I went upstairs and grabbed a soda from the frig, it was all sticky, so I reached in and grabbed 2 more. Jumped in the truck and drove, fast. The two I grabbed would hold me over till I got in town. I grabbed beer. Ice cold. Driving now mind you, opened one up. Thought of that balancing scale. Beer on one side, my sobriety, family, life and love on the other. That Beer went flying out the window. I Drove and Drove. Found a Starbucks. Went in the girl asked what I wanted. "I just want f**ing coffee, why can't you just that.... I'm sorry I shouldn't take this out on you. you had nothing to do about why I'm upset, sorry" She looked at me "Why don't you go sit down and I will bring something out to you in a minute." She brought me a La tee' out and smiled and said Happy Easter things will get better if you let them. I grabbed my cell phone and started to call friends sponsor, other blogger, my wife, but all these people are where, elsewhere how safe to call them, all they could do is talk. I reached in my pocket and grabbed that list. Called and called...8 people no one home. Maybe there is a meeting tonight. going thru the list I didn't know where some of these towns where. I found a meeting on Rte 25 in the town that I was in. Asked the girl how far it was away. she said a few miles down to the north. Grabbed my "coffee" and ran, meeting started in 12 mins. Made it to a meeting on Easter in a town that i never knew, in a church that I never visited. I made it. I shared, and shared, not just the pain of the weekend but the joys of being sober, Having a snowball fight in my grandma front yard with my brother and kids with snow that was still in the bed of my truck from Wisconsin. My grandmother seeing me sober for the first time in over 20 years. My nieces and nephew seeing me sober for the first time. My kids having a great weekend with me, never raising my voice, or screaming. Just being a DAD. Being who I always wanted to be. Because I do have to watch what I do, because they do want to watch and be just like me.

So Steve you where tempted with alcohol all weekend and didn't drink...Steve you are doing ok. in fact you are Great

Chicago

I will post later. I had a greAAt trip To the windy city. Made meetings, had fun dancing in a bar sober. Friday did the tourist things Sears tower, stuffed chicago style pizza. walked around downtown. Spent Saturday with My Grandmother and kids. had a Blast. Will catch you up to date about the stupid things I did, yes like going to a bar this young in recovery, and watching college kids play beer pong. Most of my family, ok everybody I saw this was the first time they saw Sober Steve in over 20 years. My Grandmother cried when she saw me. in her eighties now, at least she saw me sober before,,,

I knew I lost weight put looking at this pic, holy cow where did I go? Lost over 50 pounds. One more good thing about me stopping drinking.

Gotta run for now. Have to do my hair. Oh as you can see that shouldn't take long. Tonight I get sworn into office for the town board. i will have to google this later, but I most be the first person to ever get elected to a public office while campining from Rehab. i was released 3 days before the election. One more drunk politican, But this one is a sober drunk.

peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Why I'm Afraid to let you see me!!!!!

I have Scott's blog playing in the back-background. Beautiful is playing. I feel the exact opposite and have felt this way for years. Words do bring me down daily. I'm trying to find the positive in something, and just for the moment. I can do a gratitude list but it's only at the surface. ALL my counselors keep on asking to see the real Steve hiding behind this mask. This post is going to a different direction than what i thought about this morning. I just need to find myself I can't even say today i really don't know who I really am. So let me introduce myself to you, what i know.

*My name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic
*my wife moved out to save herself from my DZ
*My kids love me even though I haven't been in their lives for years
*My family and in-laws support me in my recovery
*I'm a perfect asshole after surgery
*I'm unemployed as a result of my DZ
*I have a great support system of sober bloggers and fellow aa's
*I'm ashamed to be an Alcoholic!
*I'm Ashamed of the all the things I did during my self-destruction
*I'm in relapse with-out even knowing.
*I hate myself and this DZ
*I hurt,,,hurt,,hurt

So that's what i will let you see. But what is behind that mask I'm wearing today. Why won't I really let you see me. Because I'm afraid that you won't like what you see. I have for years tried being something that i wasn't. I am weak scared and afraid that I won't like what I see behind the mask that I'm wearing. So let me tell you this. there I go controlling again. I wish that I really could take a time out from life. really figure out who I am. 45 days in rehab only started it. Know is the time to open up and let everybody in. Maybe on at time. But I need to get honest with myself at whatever what price. I already lost my soul to Satin, but God will still have have me, For he sees the real Steve underneath all the layers of shame and pain and hurt.

My sponsor finally called back, He was working nights last week. He knew something was wrong when I called him 3 times yesterday. I used his line "Take the cotton out of your ears and shove it down your mouth, and get the *uck to a meeting". His thoughts are that if the cotton is in the ear I'm not listening to what he is saying.

He told me that I'm doing OK. in fact I'm doing great. I just don't believe it, and he jumped all over me for that. He repeated all the events of this last week to me, and said 3 times your wife and kids left the house yesterday, you were sitting there in the home that your family built, the stories and memories that at can be told from the kitchen table, bedroom or living room, about life events. And you didn't drink. "You are going to be OK Steve, in Fact you are Great!"

you all are right, I'm OK. I have to remember this is a not a race.

So I need to turn the above list around and make it gratitude's. I CAN NOT LET WORDS BRING ME DOWN< CAN'T BRING ME DOWN TODAY.

My Sponsor told me to go do something exstrodany before lunch, Something I would never do. So I will. Thanks everyone for your support. time is running, and I missed enough of my life already, time to rediscover the world.

LOVE YA
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Walking on Eggshells again.

Todays readings When I uncovered my need for approval in the 4th step, I didn't think it should rank as a character defect. I wanted to think of it more as as asset. it was quickly pointed out to me that this need can be very crippling...

This whole reading is about me now and before. Right now I am suppose be be writing up a list of boundaries to talk about with my wife at counseling tonight. Instead I'm staling once again. I'm afraid to hurt her feelings. I'm putting her and my kids first. This is so hard. All I really want is to make everyone happy, but Steve will suffer again. This is why I haven't gone to a meeting, picked up the phone or prayed. I'm scared to death what I might hear. I have been in so much pain the last couple of days from surgery that I really don't care about sobriety anymore. I don't care about myself anymore I just don't care period. I talk myself into some pride and tell myself I am stronger than that. I really do not want to return to the way I was. The way I was made me loose my wife, my job, my health, and myself. I am holding onto this house by the skin of my teeth, my kids are the only thing keeping me going. They are my inspiration for waking daily and the inspiration not to pick up. I found some pot in my sons room this morning. I wasn't made at him ,but happy. I could get rid of this for him so he couldn't use, but at what price. The price of my sobriety 4 months, four months of some of the most earth changes discoveries in myself, but I was still willing to trow it away for what. So I could be happy with myself, so others would like me. How sick is that.

Everyone is pushing me to get a job, go out and work. I just want to let the dust settle on my life. I want to know what is next. See there I go again, trying to run the show. Give it up Steve, let someone else have that control like your HP. I feel like I am a hangnail away from relapse. But the good thing is that I feel it, I can stop it. I need to do things that make Steve happy and not worry about the others around me. The last couple of weekends I have tried to get my wife to go away with the kids and I for a weekend somewhere to have fun as a family. The boys are really taking this hard, not saying much to her, but to myself and said some things to my brother when he was here. It is very important to me to make everyone happy. My wife wants no part of that, a weekend of fun as a family. I know she is still hurting, but I feel the family should come before personal programs. Why I spent weeks in rehab learning about it is all about ME. I guess that I feel that I hurt them so bad, I need to start making things up to them. But I must be sober First and happy with myself. I know everyone is saying give it time. trust your HP. enjoy the little things, live in today only. So many more phrases. I just want to be happy again.

Wow my fingers came alive there for awhile. I got way off the topic that I started, or maybe not. I only wish that I could stop wishing for things to change. I only want,,,,,I only want everything...I know that with time and trust in my HP. I will get whatever I need. I just have to let him in and not take back that control. I really need to pick up that 500 pound phone and call. Track my sponsor down, call,,call,,,call.

Someone once asked if I was using this blog in place of meeting, I said no. Right now I feel that I did this weekend because i couldn't leave the house, but I feel that this blog and reading all of your didn't replace a meeting but saved me from a relapse. I'm scared of what the future holds, but who isn't. So I'm going to grab my big book and head to my sun room and watch the miracle of rain, and pray again, not for anything, just pray, he will let me know what I need.

peace
Hugs and Kisses
STEVE,,,,still SOBER STEVE

Can an Alcoholic Really Change

I have been hearing and saying that a lot lately. Its the constant battle between my wife and myself. Every time I see a chance I would say the old Steve would of done this, but now look what I did. Just in case you didn't hear Steve finally did something that 99% of the human race does daily, but I find the need to point it out that I'm beginning to act like a human being. Big fricking deal. Tonight After an argument with my wife, yes another that I started, I made an awesome Shrimp Alfredo. since I'm still on pain killers from surgery yesterday I asked her to drive me to my meeting tonight, (she goes to her meeting at the same time downstairs) she had to run to her house to grab her books. I got pissed off that when she left her plate was still sitting on the table, and she never said thank-you. I picked them up and turned and said to myself, "Now I know how she felt every time I never thanked her for dinner". Ok so I changed something. There are little to big changes going on in me right now, but wait.....

Tonight at the meeting, we discussed Step Three...We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him. As the self appointed replacement for Bill W. talked with no end in sight, he did say a few things that made me think. I keep telling my wife I can change I am changing, please give me time. I haven't changed a thing, yes maybe on the outside. My temper, my attitude, my patience, but these are only band-aids for the solution. It says it in the first three words, We made a decision. I can't turn somethings over and not the rest. I can not turn over parts that I feel is safe for God to fix and not the others. No where in there does it say that I only turn over 10, 20 70 or 50%. We turn our will and lives over. Hey Steve wake up that means 100% not just what we want to , or what we feel is safe. We can not just kneel and pray for bits and pieces of our lives, we need to pray and ask humidly his will for all of it. I tried to do it my way, and look where it got me.

After the meeting I was talking to Bill JR. and I told him that I asked the doctor not to give me any pain killers that I could become addicted to. He told me about his surgery where he had quite an intense recovery with a lot of pain. He asked his HP to help and guide him through this time. He had faith that his HP would watch over him and make sure no harm came to him. Turning it over. No, Steve still thinks he is running the show. No I'm not betting myself up. I have to remind myself who I want in charge of my life, and it is not Steve.

So tonight when I pray I will remember this, not just what I want, but all of me. I will not hold on to the old Steve. I will not hold onto parts that I feel that I need to keep. If I need them he will make sure that I get them again. The saying that I hate so much is that if you love them let them go, and if was meant to be they will return. So tonight I will let myself go, I will give myself back to God, and I know that only what is meant to be will return.

So good night and God bless you all

Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Walking together on my Path

On November 28, 2006 I started to walk down a new path, one with hope and sobriety. I later titled a blog "Alone on my path". 118 days later, I now know how wrong I was. In the early days of my sobriety I felt all alone. As each day in sobriety passed more and more of my past begin to surface. Things in my past that I drank to forget. I talked about the pieces of my family that were scattered along this new path. to many to take with. I entered rehab as a shell of a person. A person that i didn't know. A person that no-one knew. After reading the poem from my wife how this DZ and my problem with it shattered her world. I have come to a better understanding the long term effect of this on the family. My wife rented a house almost two months ago. Tonight is the first night she is spending it in her house. She stood by my side this whole time I was in rehab. Tonight it is my turn to stand by her side. I had a 45 day time out from the world. She had to pick up what little things I did around here, and to do everything by herself. With a lot of help from the kids that I left here that have now turned into young men. They keep on telling me that this is a shellfish program, she has a program to thru Al-alon. She put that on the side burner till I could stand on my own. I owe her for that. She does need space to heal. As she says she is so close to the problem that she can not see it. Can not see the trees thru the forest.

We need to learn to talk again. But before that I told her something must happen. Yes the eyes glowed, flames started to build, I was telling her how to think, old behavior. But this time it was good. I told her I was going to do something no matter what she thought. Told her many people will be helping me with this. "Honey, Let us Love you, until you learn to Love yourself again." She tried to hold back the tears. No matter what I LOVE HER.

Thanks Lushgurl glad you notice I noticed too, a softer and gentle side of Steve. Yes i see that the promises are starting to work in my life. I feel peace in my heart today.

I'm going to paste the original post of Alone on my path. But I now know I'm not alone. Millions of people are walking with me on this path.

peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Today I tried to walk the new path in my life. I felt lost, and alone. I have heard and talked about this new path, new way of life for me. One with sobriety, and people there to guide me. I felt hurt, abandoned and left out to dry. I had the numbers of new friends that I have met at the AA meeting. The blogs and words of wisdom from others. But still I could not move my feet.

This new path that I had chosen looked familiar. The path was littered with broken parts of objects. It was hard to move without stepping on something. I bent over to move something, and then I saw what I was standing on. For these were no ordinary objects they were all pieces, pieces of myself, pieces that were torn off my body during my self-destruction. My hands became very full. I picked up another piece to see it was part of my wife, another part of my kids, parts from my family. I slowly began to cry. These are parts that my family and friends lost because of my drinking. The parts that were lost that are now replaced with walls. I quickly picked up what I could. My hands began to fill up again. So many parts, so much hurt. I had to make a decision, what could I bring and what could I leave behind. Night was beginning to upon this trail. The stars began to shine. I sat there on a stump looking at each piece. My sons missing me at teacher conferences, my wife missing my compassion. SO much hurt. To much to take. I need to bring these pieces back. I needed to fix them. Fix the problems that I had caused.

As I sat there, crying now, I picked up a piece. It brought a smile to my face, a twinkle to my eye. It was a person that I fell in love with many years ago. A friend that I hurt badly, I forgot all about this person, the love and good times we shared. The stories about trouble we avoided. The tales of childhood pranks. For this person that I hurt was not just any friend, not just any love, not just any memory. It was me.

I held that part tight close to my heart, dropping the others. I knew if I was to fix the others I must fix myself. I must begin to love myself. As God loved us so much that He gave us His only son, I must have that love for myself to give anything back. so when I stood to continue down this path, the other parts moved slightly. Just far enough out of the way not to be walked on, but close enough for me to remember the pain. I held myself tight, and walked. I began to notice other lights, voices began to be heard. Faces and other paths appeared. For this whole time that I thought I was alone, I wasn't. Others watched just out of sight. They knew that this was something I needed to do. Something I needed to know. I began to smile, not just me, but that part of me that was lost for so long. I found myself, and I love it. I am so filled with life, that I glow. As long as I can keep the others at my side, holding their lights, my path is brightly lit.

I promised myself to be back for the other parts, the parts from others that I have hurt. The people that I must make amends to. As soon as Steve is back, healthy, I will be back for them, and try to repair all the hurt I caused.

A Family Disease

What you are about to read are the effects of alcoholism on a spouse. It can turn a once outgoing loving person into a shell. It cuts deep into ones fabric. It causes scars that may never heal. It causes pain that may never go away. It hurts all that it touches. This is her story of what happened. I'm posting this with her consent.


I'm dreaming. I see a bird. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Its radiant, the colors of the feathers are so vivid, the shape of the animal is in perfect balance. As I drift closer to it in my dreamstate, I realize the bird is trying to fly away. But it's trapped in a cage. It seems very afraid, panic-stricken. I don't understand how to convey that I just want to look at it, not hurt it. But the bird just continues to beat itself against the inside of the cage in an effort to escape. I am close enough now to notice that the bird has been doing this for quite awhile, I can see it is very broken and bloody. There are feathers all over the ground from it trying to escape scrutiny. Very gently, I am able to unlock the cage and very quietly, I move away. The animal has exhausted itself from its efforts and has settled down. After I move away a few steps, I stop and simply watch. I can see every individual feather, in all the different colors and layers covering the body, the wings, the tail, I can see the beak and the eyes, watching me. Very cautiously, it approaches the opening I left in the cage, testing, making sure the door is not going to be slammed shut on it at the last possible second. It pauses for several seconds, feeling unsure of how to proceed. I blink and it's gone. It's only now that I realize that I am the bird. And I'm soaring through the sky, feeling the air of freedom, breathing the exhilaration of freedom. I know that I will heal, my body can take care of that. I also know that I will not allow myself to be caught and locked in another cage.

L.G.

When I read this to my group while still in Rehab, I could not stop crying. I can not go back and change a thing. I can only live in the day. Today I choose not to drink. Today she now chose never to be locked up again. May I never lock her or anyone else in the cage again.

Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

The Day After

I just want to start by thanking everyone for your prayers. I wasn't sure if I could make it through rehab, but I did. There is so much so fresh in mind, I still don't know what to say. I have thanked her up and down for standing behind me this hole time. But Thanks doesn't seem like enough to say to my wife. Even Though she rented another house almost 2 months ago. She is still home. Still here so I wouldn't come home to an empty house. Thank you L. i really need to thank my JR. High school sweetheart, 23 years later we are still friends. I unloaded so much shit on her it wasn't funny. My Family even though they never could come up to visit, i knew that they were there. To my new family I found in treatment. The staff, the counselor's, the other clients. There stories will keep me going, one day at a time. To My HP thank-you for never turning your back on me even though I had my back turned to you all these years. It could of been easy to to write me off, but you saw something inside that I couldn't see.

I stayed in the house all day. Never got out of bed. scared to go anywhere. Skipped morning mediation. Said my prayers lying in bed. I was so scared yesterday walking out those doors. scared now just looking at the outside world. It is still there, waiting for me to have a weak moment. Going to a meeting tonight. Its a meeting that i really don't like, but principals before personality. I'm going there for me.

Home from my meeting. I went to the meeting and my wife went to her Al-Alon meeting. Afterwards we went to Perkins for coffee and desert. Had a great talk, both of us talking. Both of us sharing. It just sucks that it took her leaving to start having conversions that married couples have. I now know that this was my time to stop drinking. I can't keep back and beat myself up that i didn't quite years ago. I feel that now, I know that now! I know so much now, more than I realized that I ever could. I feel great after that meeting tonight. Feel like I Do have a purpose in life and that I am special.

Thurs Before leaving I did my 5th step. I really wasn't ready, but They want you to do it before you leave. I still have to accept the 2nd in my heart, and soul, but in time this will become an everyday part of life for me. When I walked out of Father J.'s office after the fifth step, my counsel was just walking in the door from outside, and asked how it went. I lifted my legs high as I walked out of that office, Stepping over the pile of shit that I left there. Some baggage that I need never worry about again. I left it there, it is gone for good, no looking back and trying to claim it, its gone forever. I felt 500 pounds lighter. I joked around in the community for hours, feeling like a kids again. Jumping on people, being a smart ass, being me. The new Steve. One that I never knew. One that No one knew except for GOD.

My wife wrote me a beautiful poem, Its outlined the pain that I put her through all these years, and how she felt. Later I share that we all of you, but I got that just hours before my fifth step. It made me feel humble. It made me think. It made me whole. I read that poem to my group crying throughout it. It made me think about all the pain I caused her and others. It made me be honest about who I was. Steve the alcoholic. I have had a hard time admitting that without shame. Now its ok. I claim it, I own that. I am that. I went into that 5th step in vising that poem, and left everything I could there. Not wanting to take any extra baggage with. Thanks Father J. for releasing that from me. Thanks all of you.

Peace
Hugs and kisses