and we made direct ammends, whenever possible

The one thing I hear over and over when a person slips, relapse, or just quits trying is one of two things, they stopped going to meeting, or the resentments got to them. They didn't deal with a problem or situation and it ate away at them until the battle with the bottle won out. I have an amends that is so hard to make. On the surface it won't cause harm to anyone, won't end me up in jail, but I am scared. I can't imagine ever being forgiven or accepted for many who follow this already know who I am talking about, it's not my kids, my family, my x-wife it is myself. I feel that I am holding on to this for a reason to get my mind spinning out of control, another reason to feel sorry for myself to isolate, to be pissed at the world.

I know that I am really, really really hard on myself for the pain I have caused myself and others. I face that fear everyday, yes I said fear I am afraid if I listen to what you have told me, I will forgive myself and go on to live some sort of happy life. I don't deserve that,,,,yet. Maybe tomorrow but not today. It pisses me off I looking at buying a house and moving on with my life. Being happy without my kids living with me.

At times I feel I don't deserve to be happy or even sober, I don't want to go back and drink I just don't want to be happy, Hey thought I wasn't happy when I drank,,lets have a drink or two goes Thur my mind. It calls me back, it knocks on my door a lot. What do I do sit back and cover up on the couch hoping those thoughts just go away, and they do, But I have been told what to do, I have the tools to fight this part of the DZ. Call my sponsor, call a friend in the program, help the new comer, not to sit back and cover up.

I feel better blogging, I feel better going to meeting, one start in 40 Min's, VP debate starts in 5 Min's,,,,no brainier I'm going to a meeting

Peace hugs and Kisses
Steve

ps Kate drop me an Email

coming Soon

Coming soon to a Blog near you.

"To stay in Place would be certain Death....."

To stay in Place would mean Certain Death!!! What power words. These words were said by some politician in Texas towards the people that were not leaving before Ike hit. WOW!!! stay in place,,,certain death. Until i admitted that I was powerless over alcohol i continued to stay in place,,If I did nothing I would die. He was talking to people to leave their house, for me those words make the hair on my neck stand up. I face that decision everyday. Stay in place and Die, or move and work the steps that so many have showed me how to work. If I choose to get of my coach and be a member of AA, go to meeting, be of service, talk to the newcomer I move forward. I contain to grow spirtically as long as I do what I have been told to do. Go to meeting, be of service, read the big book, and get a home group and TALK to my sponsor.

I can not afford to be complacent in my recovery I must move forward to do otherwise would mean certain death.

Thank you for being here today for me

Peace hugs and kisses

Today I'm Greatfull

Today is a Great Dy to be Alive

Today I'm Great full for my Higher Power
Today I'm Great full to had the chance to celebrate my Mom's 70th B-day
Today I'm Grate full to have had my kids all Summer and watch them grow into young men
Today I'm Great full for the knowledge that Alcohol doesn't fix things
Today I'm Great full For the understanding from my Girlfriend
Today I'm Great full to always be learning from others
Today I'm Great full to drive without worries
Today I'm Great full AA all over the World
Today I'm Great full for my Blogger AA'a helping me stay sober for another 24 hours


Today I'm Grateful to be STEVE

Today I'm Grateful to feel Love,,,

Today I'm Great full for my own forgiveness



GOD this feels good, been a long time since I did a list

Peace hugs and Kisses

Steve

One of the 2%

They say that only two percent of the population are alcoholics. Lucky us. I hate this Fuc**** disease that we suffer from. I hate the fact that I will never be heeled, that some of the people in my life will never heal from the pain and suffering that this F*****disease and STEVE caused. I'm pretty pisssed off, haven't blogged in Months, months and months, I needed meetings, needed the feed back the helping hand. Now for the first time I find myself alone, even at the meetings, the disesae is slowing calling me back, Last night I wanted to stop and test out the theroy that I couldn't have just one. WHAT you idot you know what happens if you have just one. There will be no return.

This has been setting unfinished for a month. I hurt to much to share. I just really started to talk to my sponsor, Building that trust factor up. I better hurry up and trust and tell him what is rally going or I'll be back out there plan and simple. I feel I don't deserve the happiness that I'm feeling the pity parties start and the tears follow. Well I do deserve a break. I deserve a hug for who I am Today, not the kicks for who I was. It was just 21 months, God I remember 21 days like it was yesterday. Many held me tight when I couldn't go a minute without falling or slipping. I have seen friends go back same made it back Others are just gone. I need to get real and get active again. Share my real feeling with my sponsor and aa's that i go out to dinner with after the meeting. I have to let them in. This Blog you people are the only ones that I really let see the real me. That is bad for a person like myself.

I called my sponsor the other night ranting and raving about my x father-in-law. I thought I was crying and whining. Last night he said I had resentments to work on about him. Wow, no shit, but it took me telling him what was really happening in my life and being real with him that he could see that and tell me to pray about it.

Gotta run at work, which sucks, but it a job and I like to eat so I better go.

Peace hugs and kisses
Steve

Steve,,,in charge of Alcohol

We had a dealers meeting last week at work. I work my program over and over. Just always reminding myself what happens to me when I try control the uncontrollable. Work 12-16 hour days getting ready, not my procrastination either. I wanted everything done, just because I know how I get under pressure. I had no control over the fact We were not ready for this meeting. i had to talk about programs ,,,that I never saw till the power point presentation. I did well, I did great.

On Tues it was decided that I should stop on my home to get cheese and sausage and veggie trays,ohhhh yeah,,,buy those and with a coupon get Budweiser free. Yes Send an alcoholic to get the beer.

Well I was fine, but of course I doubted myself. didn't trust myself at all. 6 Cases of Beer in my truck, 3 miles back to work, it gave me 3 miles to allow that evil twin back in. Called my old sponsor from the parking lot. It was for Work, it was what my boss asked me to do. He reminded me that there are 98% of the world population that can drink with-out getting drunk.
There are people who can have one and Stop. He reminded me again that I was not probably one of them. But suggested if I thought I was to have one and stop again. Well He baited me, not go. I knew what would happen with even the smallest sip. Of course I did fine. Almost fine, I bought Odouls and had two that night at the meeting, which is just 3 stories by itself.

Beer tastes bad to me, so don't worry. not running for the flavor. I did ok, but reminded myself what happens if you sit in the barber chair to many times. Someday you are going to get a hair cut. Gotta run for know at work running around again, short handed here and it is FLIPPING cold 16 below Zero.

Peace Hugs and Kisses

Steve

5 things

When I started in this proggram I was told at my first meeting to do five simple things:

1) Read the Big Book
2) Goto Meetings
3) Get a sponsor
4) Go to Meetings
5) Keep coming Back

I'm back IN the program. I Have a sponsor,,, I finaly have someone to hold me accountable here. I can't hide behind the fact that my "Northern" sponsor is 300 miles away. I feel so much better. I started to go to at least 3 meeting a week again. I started to walk the other way, thinking I could really do this on my own. I can't. Latley the guilt and shame and the lonelness ruled my heart. I was afraid to live again. My Uncle died right after x-mas. I was so ready to just say *uck it. I was already drunk, in my mind...A dry drunk. I didn't care about myself or my program. The only thing that keep me around the tables was the saying Fake it till you make it. I needed to do this. I needed a spark. I got that spark, I got it from all the thoughts and comments you have left in the past. It was DMC who told me to get my ass off the couch and start living again, Mr Anderson who showed concern, it was the conversions with Sober chick, it was Scott my misplaced bro in Ohio. It was all my brothers and sisters in recovery who brought me back. Oh yeah Mickey also. didn't want him to think he won and stopped me from blogging.

Today I am not ashamed of what i did in the past. I'm trying to pick up the pieces in my life and live again. Live a sober and clean life. To go thru the day and not add people to my 8th step list. Live life on lifes terms... To love again, starting with myself.

I love you all,

peace hugs and Kisses
Steve

A NEW YEAR!

With this new year, it should bring new and exciting feelings to me, but it doesn't. I have been sober for over a year, big deal. I need to start living again. I need to become one of the people that I envoy at meetings, one who laughs, not cries. One who gets called instead of one waiting for the courage to call another. One who loves, not one who misses what he loved. I haven't been to a meeting in weeks, Haven't blogged, haven't been myself. I'm not sure what I miss most. I cry alot by myself, that seems to bring me further down. My job is taking a toll on me. Long hours is the only thing that is working, I can't wollow in self pitty. I miss so much of the person I was becoming, I pulled back into my shell and can not come out. I'm afraid I afraid of hurting anyone again.

My kids and I are getting along great, The oldest doesn't fight to come see me the youngest he is just an angel sent from heaven to help me. My girlfriend ( yes I have one) supports my recovery. I just am scared to death of failing. This feeling started around my one year mark. I went and spoke at the treatment center that I went to. Told my story hoping it will make a difference to at least one person. A differnece what is that. Today I don't feel different I just feel like a sober sick person. One with no outlook on life left.

I haven't been this far down in months. Blogging use to help, going to do more of that, and surf and talk to you who are making it, making that differnece. I need to be that person again.

peace hugs and kisses
Steve

the next right thing

This time last week I was thinking and thinking and praying for guidance about doing the next right thing. And not being selfish, and putting myself first without hurting other, and most of all doing what is right.

Well being from Northern Wisconsin, Deer hunting a national holiday. My thoughts where consumed about where I was this time a year ago. I was at my bottom, reaching out for somethings, not knowing what. It was just about a year ago that I tried to kill myself during hunting. I was not sure if I was strong enough and ready to hunt. So many things changed from then. I had to find a hunting spot on public land. My son, the youngest this would be his first hunt. His grandfather, my father in law called and wanted to know where "A" was hunting. I told him that "A" wanted to hunt with me, but I knew he would see deer hunting with him. What to do...I asked my wife, if she would go to here parents that weekend and wake him up and get him off in the morning. Her father does not have to patience for that, and from past experience it turned my oldest son off from hunting because of getting yelled at about being late.

Well Last wed I decided that maybe I wasn't ready for this, and "A" would be better off hunting with his grandfather. I had no faith in myself about making it Thur without regrets and without not wanting to use. I drove 3 hours north to drop off all of his gear and gun. That way he could hunt with grandpa. I was pulling out of my parents drive when my wife called and said that "A" would be better hunting with me and she didn't want her father to torture another one of our kids. WOW. I was right. Drove back in a big snow storm. Drove all that for nothing I thought. It wasn't for nothing. My HP was trying to tell me something. Have faith in myself. He knew I could do this. He knew that connecting with my son and connecting with nature is what I needed. I was a drunk before, but not today. He wanted me to enjoy my son's FIRST opening day. And I did. We hunted all day. Laughed and joked around. smiled and do you know what I didn't regret the past.

Happy Thanksgiving...This will be My first one Sober. I might even be able to taste the food this year.

Peace hugs and Kisses
Steve

the next right thing

Lost: MY Program

I have seem to have lost the program that has been been working so good for me these last 11 months. Things are moving so fast towards that one year mark. I have already past one year with something else. It was just a year ago that my wife said this was the last argument she was going to have with me. Enough was enough. I look back and think about that night. I tried being funny, came out sideways and everything was different. If it didn't happen that night it would of been soon, and no more I'm sorries, and I;ll do better would not bring her back. So today a year later where am I? Claiming my part, trying very hard to pick up my side of the wreckage. My problem is the wreckage on the other side is from me. The reactions from her and my kids where because of me and this DZ. I know its there butt They most deal with it. Learn to heal of their own. This is the part that hurts, they are healing, and they don't want me around. My wife I understand, but my oldest hurts the most. I don't think we will ever be ok again. The other day he had a hearing with social services about his problems. I made arrangements for a conference call from Portland. I talked to him the night before, and to make a long story short. I said I wanted to be there. His words are stilling ringing in my ears. "NO!!! I don't want you there!! You have been around lately, but where have you been for the last 16 years of my life. You can't now decide to be my father now. It doesn't work that Way." I told him that I wasn't there for so long. I said the I'm sorry, and I'm here for you now, but it wasn't working. I said I want to be there for you,,,then he hung up on me.



I was lost in an IEKA store in Portland looking for candy that he wanted. I found it and bought it, it was now 9 pm. I remembered looking at a meeting list a 10 pm meeting somewhere in town. I jumped in the rent a car and drove. Driving past the bright neon signs was getting harder by the moment. I was on the phone with a girl that I have been seeing with her giving me turn by turn turn instructions from map quest,,,(to cheap for a TOM_TOM) I found the meeting. a few moments late, but there. It was a someones B-day 4 years. At this group he chairs the meeting, and calls on others to share basically about him. I didn't want that. I needed to share, I needed to be heard rushed thru my mind. It can't be about him. ITS about me today. I need you.



After the meeting I went and hugged him and introduced myself, he apologized about the bragging on going on about him. I told him that it was ok. But in my mind it wasn't. I stood outside, being an outsider trying to get into a conversion. I asked this guys sponsor how to get back towards the airport. To told me then made some small talk. He said something then just walked away. why you bastard rushed thru my mind. I walked away heading towards that car, with a mission. I went to the car getting ready for what I thought would be my last drunk. The meeting didn't help me I thought. I wanted to talk to share. Just as I started the car a lady knocked on the window, said John I think was getting me a meeting list and a phone list. I went and talked to them again. Feeling better about things, not great just better. I left and headed back to the hotel. WITH OUT Drinking.

I felt better the next morning. Respecting my sons wishes I didn't call. It wasn't about me. As I thought that night. I have grown so much in the last six months. Before I would of called, he would of been pissed off. I would of probably said something to that guy who's b-day it was. But today I don't have to. I'm so much better off. I most live in today, and not look so far ahead i will do much better.

peace
hugs and kisses
Steve