Happy fathers day to all the dads out there. My heart hangs heavy on this day. Not only is this the first fathers day i will be sober. It is the first one alone. This is hard I'm scared. I know that you are not supoose to make majot changes in the first year, but moving is not a a choice it is reality. The thing that confuses me is that today is my anniversy. 18 years ago I held the love of my life in my arms and said forever. Today I just hold those thoughts thats all I have.
I wish I had more time to post. It sun moring. Friday drove home to (northern Wisconsin will always be my home) 512 miles. yesterday I packed up and brought a load to Appleton Wisconsin. 438 miles round trip yesterday. Packed some more this morning. Kids are coming over after my aa meeting this morning. Taking them with to appleton for the week to my new house. I know a knew that needs new memories, good sober memories. I feel empty with every trip I make out of this house.
I missed posating last week. I'm going to get around to say Hi to all this afternoon before i pack pc. not sure when I will get internet down south.
Love to all
peace
hugs and kiises
Steve
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Sunday, June 3, 2007
Running to or from something?
Running to or from that is the question. First Thanks Lush for getting me out to play again TodAAy. Yes its been a week since I posted. can't even say I been busy. Been praying to find find gods will not Steve's will.
Went on a job interview last Thurs. Was up all night Wednesday, thinking, and praying, meditating. I was offered the job they are going to get final numbers back and go from there. It would require me to move. One of the big NO-No's in early sobriety. It feels so right, it feels like this a chance to change to grow a chance for all to heal.
Today is June 12. I am sitting in a hotel in Sioux Falls, SD. It is amazing that AA is the same in SD as in Illinois as in Northern Wisconsin We are a bunch of alcoholics trying to trudge our way through. My mind has been racing with doubt and guilt. My says I'm running from but my heart says I'm running to. Through all of this decision making I still feel that this is right. My HP has put so many people in my life for this not to be the wrong decision. Helping me make this decision was the overwhelming faith of others that i could do this. Arriving in SD my suitcase wasn't even put away before i found a meeting. Today i am grateful for the open and loving arms of AA everywhere. I will catch you all up when i return to my new home in Southern Wisconsin.
Peace, hugs and kisses
Steve
Today is June 12. I am sitting in a hotel in Sioux Falls, SD. It is amazing that AA is the same in SD as in Illinois as in Northern Wisconsin We are a bunch of alcoholics trying to trudge our way through. My mind has been racing with doubt and guilt. My says I'm running from but my heart says I'm running to. Through all of this decision making I still feel that this is right. My HP has put so many people in my life for this not to be the wrong decision. Helping me make this decision was the overwhelming faith of others that i could do this. Arriving in SD my suitcase wasn't even put away before i found a meeting. Today i am grateful for the open and loving arms of AA everywhere. I will catch you all up when i return to my new home in Southern Wisconsin.
Peace, hugs and kisses
Steve
Monday, May 28, 2007
TodAAy I am proud of you!
Dear Sober Steve
I just wanted to stop bye and drop you a note. 180 days ago when we meet you were scared and frightened. You wanted to turn to something, but you didn't know what. you wanted a hand to hold, but who's. You wanted, maybe needed help. A choice was there in front of you. That day you choose, you choose a softer and gentle path to walk. You still could not trust. All you knew is that you were tired. So tired, just sick, just sick and tired of being sick and tired. At 8:54 you made a decision. One that changed the course of history. It could not change the past, but with this you had a future. One with sobriety, one with laughter and one with love.
On November 28, 2006 8:54 pm i was proud of you. You pushed away that last drink. You pushed away a another dose of self medication. By pushing, you allowed me into your life. You allowed another answer. We have been through up and downs, at times you did not even see a future without drinking. You were hurting still not knowing who to trust, you went to AA and asked for help. You walked through those doors scared, shaking, just needing to stop the pain. You sat alone on the couch, alone and ashamed of what you become. Feeling like you sank to the depths of the inhuman, unworthy, unloved existence. They asked for the new comer, you shook, so afraid, shaking, you couldn't talk, but I talked for you. I'm Steve. you sat at your first table. Rick, Patty, Steve, Helen, and ????? all talked about what brought them there. The first step admitting we are powerless. finally you spoke. "My name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic" came fourth. your Birth. You talked, cried, cried, wanting to stop the pain. They told you to read the book, don't drink, read the book, and keep coming back. You did, you needed something they had. they smiled, they laughed, they didn't cry. you wanted that life again. Maybe for the first time. you kept coming back, listening sharing, and finally one day you could share without crying, with out shame, without guilt. It doesn't matter how long it took to get to that day, but It was here. It was your life.
Steve you are so worth saving. so much worth the love I have for you today. Your wife, family friends knew you could do this. you wanted to run so many times. you wanted back to try to self medicate again. We stood by your side and told you that we had faith in you. Your wife was gone, your health became an issue, money problems consumed thoughts, but you stood strong. You stood Sober.
So Today 6 months later you have grown. You have began to trust others. you opened your heart to others, you laugh, you smile, you even have fun. Today you can see a life without using. A life worth saving, a life with love and laughter. You are special. You are loved, and when you feel that you are not, just remember that we will love you when you can not love yourself.
With all my love to you
Steve
I just wanted to stop bye and drop you a note. 180 days ago when we meet you were scared and frightened. You wanted to turn to something, but you didn't know what. you wanted a hand to hold, but who's. You wanted, maybe needed help. A choice was there in front of you. That day you choose, you choose a softer and gentle path to walk. You still could not trust. All you knew is that you were tired. So tired, just sick, just sick and tired of being sick and tired. At 8:54 you made a decision. One that changed the course of history. It could not change the past, but with this you had a future. One with sobriety, one with laughter and one with love.
On November 28, 2006 8:54 pm i was proud of you. You pushed away that last drink. You pushed away a another dose of self medication. By pushing, you allowed me into your life. You allowed another answer. We have been through up and downs, at times you did not even see a future without drinking. You were hurting still not knowing who to trust, you went to AA and asked for help. You walked through those doors scared, shaking, just needing to stop the pain. You sat alone on the couch, alone and ashamed of what you become. Feeling like you sank to the depths of the inhuman, unworthy, unloved existence. They asked for the new comer, you shook, so afraid, shaking, you couldn't talk, but I talked for you. I'm Steve. you sat at your first table. Rick, Patty, Steve, Helen, and ????? all talked about what brought them there. The first step admitting we are powerless. finally you spoke. "My name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic" came fourth. your Birth. You talked, cried, cried, wanting to stop the pain. They told you to read the book, don't drink, read the book, and keep coming back. You did, you needed something they had. they smiled, they laughed, they didn't cry. you wanted that life again. Maybe for the first time. you kept coming back, listening sharing, and finally one day you could share without crying, with out shame, without guilt. It doesn't matter how long it took to get to that day, but It was here. It was your life.
Steve you are so worth saving. so much worth the love I have for you today. Your wife, family friends knew you could do this. you wanted to run so many times. you wanted back to try to self medicate again. We stood by your side and told you that we had faith in you. Your wife was gone, your health became an issue, money problems consumed thoughts, but you stood strong. You stood Sober.
So Today 6 months later you have grown. You have began to trust others. you opened your heart to others, you laugh, you smile, you even have fun. Today you can see a life without using. A life worth saving, a life with love and laughter. You are special. You are loved, and when you feel that you are not, just remember that we will love you when you can not love yourself.
With all my love to you
Steve
Friday, May 25, 2007
Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."
Our God is an Awesome God! Always know that HE is beside you. In every way on every day.
Our God is an Awesome God! Always know that HE is beside you. In every way on every day.
May peace and Love fill you on this day. May you find the love inside you that your HP has for you. May you walk hand in hand with your HP on this Holiday weekend
Peace to ALL
Steve
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Working my program
Working my program. Last night without saying a word I wasn't working anything. I was just doing what I could to say in the moment. To stay in the day, not the past, not the future. My wife,,,it hurts just to say that,,,and I had a counseling appointment last night. It started out bad and just got worse. With everything happening with the house, she might have to move back in and i would move over to my parents so there would only be one payment a month. The conversion got ugly, her letting go of years of resentment, and hurt. I pulled back into myself, just wanting to get up and run away, run to my friend. I just wanted to be numb again. I cried in front of her like I never cried before. i finally spoke, not words but swords, knives right thru the heart. I yelled you don't want to move back in to our house since you would have to leave the Love shack of yours. In all the years of marriage she was never unfaithful. i accused her of it all the time. Would question why it took over an hour at the store. How come she took a long lunch hour. Now I have more trust for her than I ever have. A little late, a lot to late. i yelled at her because it was a defense I used in the past. i was back to that again. I was shaking, i wanted to run, run fast. The counselor asked what i felt,,,what emotions did i feel. i couldn't talk, she asked what I was doing for Steve, and what I was doing to be safe. The answer scared me.Nothing, nothing at all. i have put all my effort into bringing her back that I failed myself. I have been to busy trying to save the marriage and my kids that I forgot about Steve.
I went to a blog this morning,,kicking my monkey and read about her relapse, and how she was afraid of putting others first before herself. I can not afford to do that. None of us can. Believe it or not Al-anon has helped me worry about me, more than the problems with others. I now have two programs my AA program that I deal with my problems with alcohol, and Al-anon where I deal with the problems of alcohol in loved ones. They both mirror each other, but with Al-anon it really focuses on leaving the guilt aside. Saving yourself. But I will not let saving myself hurt others. Thats my downfall of both programs. I still put her and my kids first. They are my life, my reason for waking daily, My Life.
i know talk to my sponsor..Well thats the other problem i need a new one. i need a new everything. Why can't people just like me be. i don't want to call others. i don't want to go out in the world. i just want to grow and figure out who Steve is TodAAy. I need to get out more, but I am scared of what is beyond these doors. I am doing better about getting out. But could be better, should be better. If its not a meeting or town board Bisiness or Fire call i don't leave. I need a life, I need my life back. i want to feel something other than pain, guilt and a quick glimpse of happiness.
It is almost 80 outside, i cut the grass for the first time in years without a drink in my hand. thats says a lot. I am working my program todAAy. i just need to keep the evil twin off my shoulder. Keep all of you with my thoughts and prayers. I need to keep in my mind that my HP has a sense of humor, by slapping me in the face when i lose focus. i need to remember him riding up on his Harley and saying "I love you Steve, just in case no one told you today, i Love you!"
peace
Steve
I went to a blog this morning,,kicking my monkey and read about her relapse, and how she was afraid of putting others first before herself. I can not afford to do that. None of us can. Believe it or not Al-anon has helped me worry about me, more than the problems with others. I now have two programs my AA program that I deal with my problems with alcohol, and Al-anon where I deal with the problems of alcohol in loved ones. They both mirror each other, but with Al-anon it really focuses on leaving the guilt aside. Saving yourself. But I will not let saving myself hurt others. Thats my downfall of both programs. I still put her and my kids first. They are my life, my reason for waking daily, My Life.
i know talk to my sponsor..Well thats the other problem i need a new one. i need a new everything. Why can't people just like me be. i don't want to call others. i don't want to go out in the world. i just want to grow and figure out who Steve is TodAAy. I need to get out more, but I am scared of what is beyond these doors. I am doing better about getting out. But could be better, should be better. If its not a meeting or town board Bisiness or Fire call i don't leave. I need a life, I need my life back. i want to feel something other than pain, guilt and a quick glimpse of happiness.
It is almost 80 outside, i cut the grass for the first time in years without a drink in my hand. thats says a lot. I am working my program todAAy. i just need to keep the evil twin off my shoulder. Keep all of you with my thoughts and prayers. I need to keep in my mind that my HP has a sense of humor, by slapping me in the face when i lose focus. i need to remember him riding up on his Harley and saying "I love you Steve, just in case no one told you today, i Love you!"
peace
Steve
Monday, May 21, 2007
King Baby
Its a new day. A new 24 hours. Look I decided to come out and play todAAy. Yes its because I have kids I have a purpose to be here today. I feel so much like a part of society when I am a father. I still try to be the husband but get pushed away. Thats ok, I have pushed them away for years. Last week in a counseling session with my son he made a comment,,,giant slap in the face. "What family, he has pushed us all away." and later "I liked him better when he was drinking." It hurt, hurt a lot, but as for the last comment, he doesn't like it because now I remember what I told him to do. Now I want to part of their lives. Now i ask them for help. I know it will take time for them to let me back in their lives. It is toooooo late for my wife to let me in, well its never to late, but there is a pile of hurt to overcome there. If I just keep on keeping on and keep being sober Steve things will get better.
One thing I rehab in rehab was about the "King Baby"
In this pamphlet, we learn to identify the infantile King Baby ego within us. Our Childish personality traits must be surrendered before our disease can be fully arrested. the compulsive King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse....
King babies share a wide range of personality traits. None of us has all these traits, but we will probably find many that describe us. King Babies may show these Characteristics.
One thing I rehab in rehab was about the "King Baby"
In this pamphlet, we learn to identify the infantile King Baby ego within us. Our Childish personality traits must be surrendered before our disease can be fully arrested. the compulsive King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse....
King babies share a wide range of personality traits. None of us has all these traits, but we will probably find many that describe us. King Babies may show these Characteristics.
- Often become angry or afraid of authority figures and will attempt to work them against each other in order to get their own way
- seek approval and frequently lose their own identities in the process
- able to make good first impression but unable to follow through
- have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized
- have addictive personalities and are driven to extremes
- are often immobilized by anger and frustration and are rarely satisfied
- are usually lonely even when surrounded by people
- are chronic complainers who blame others for what is wrong in their lives
- feel unappreciated and think they don't fit
- see the world as a jungle filled with selfish people who aren't there for them
- see everything as a catastrophe, a life or death satiation
- judge life in absolutes: black and white, right and wrong
- live in the past, fearful of the future
- have strong feeling of dependence and exaggerated fears of abandonment
- fear failure and rejections and don't try new things that they might not do well
- are obsessed with money and material things
- dream big plans and schemes and have little ability to make them happen
- cannot tolerate illness in themselves or others
- prefer to charm superiors and intimidate subordinates
- believe rules and laws are for others, not for themselves
- often become addicted to excitement, life in the fast lane
- hold emotional pain within and lose touch with their feelings
If this was a test to see if I am an alcoholic I would pass with flying colors. It goes on to say how we change these patterns into something good. Gives us a feeling of self worth. Turn these traits over to our HP and let him. For me knowing what drives my ego help me better keep it in check.
The inner Struggle
Understanding King baby is difficult because things are never as they appear on the surface. There are two prime motivating factors: First, the scared, lonely, child who does not want to be hurt anymore and , second, the king Baby who is never satisfied.
I am reminded of the tale of two wolves right now. Which ever one you feed will grow stronger. So taking this list of defects I''m going to go out todAAy and make a difference in the world. I'm going to arrest the defects and be free of them for TodAAy.
peace
Steve
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
What I have Learned
167 days of sobriety. Boy I have learned much about myself and this DZ. I have grown in so many ways. I have allowed God into my life. I have allowed everybody into my soul. I have allowed myself to forgive. It is a fact that i cannot change the past, and that i cannot shut the door on it. Part of me wants to close that door to forget the hurt and pain that I caused, the pain and suffering that my wife went thru. Today I know that I can only claim my part. I can only clean my side of the street. It still doesn't make it any easier. 164 days ago While searching for answers on AA web site I found a list of sober bloggers. I found my saving Angel. The withdraws were great I couldn't imagine 24 hours when I couldn't live thru 24 seconds. I quit on my own. no AA, no treatment center no support. But on Day Three I found Sober Chick. She saved me. Ran to the computer every morning to see what see said. Starting blog stalking, leaving comments, you people are nuts went thru my mind several thousand times. How do you think this is going to pass, you don't know what I'm going thru...etc around the first week Scout posted a comment on SC blog about me starting my own, and how it would help. i kept writing, e-mailing post to SC and keeping them.
On Dec 31, 2006 Sober Steve appeared here before your eyes. You have seen me grow, seen the hurt and raw emotions I go thru daily. You all said get a sponsor, goto meetings, listen and no matter what when I see that sign that says Think, Think, think. Just remember that sign is not for me. My life is unraveling in front of you right now. Served with Divorce papers, kids running away from home over drugs. Losing my job. Recently getting foreclosure paperwork on the house. But I didn't run away this time. I cried and thought, thought of the positive. Looked hard to find a bright side. I did see some light, I saw a path, a sober path, a unknown path, but I am not scared to walk down this path. Since I know that I have all of you here to guide me. Hold me up. To love me when I can not love myself. To find the good in every bad thing that happens.
I did find hope in AA. I found love around the tables. I found myself in my heart. I found that no matter what happens, nothing is worth picking up that first drink over. Soon God willing I will have 6 months of sobriety. We will stand back and say do you remember when that Scared Steve didn't trust us, didn't think he was worth saving, look at him now. I do feel better about things when I think them thru. I feel human now. i feel like I am special and worth saving. I feel loved, and most of all I am here for the newcomer.
peace
Steve
On Dec 31, 2006 Sober Steve appeared here before your eyes. You have seen me grow, seen the hurt and raw emotions I go thru daily. You all said get a sponsor, goto meetings, listen and no matter what when I see that sign that says Think, Think, think. Just remember that sign is not for me. My life is unraveling in front of you right now. Served with Divorce papers, kids running away from home over drugs. Losing my job. Recently getting foreclosure paperwork on the house. But I didn't run away this time. I cried and thought, thought of the positive. Looked hard to find a bright side. I did see some light, I saw a path, a sober path, a unknown path, but I am not scared to walk down this path. Since I know that I have all of you here to guide me. Hold me up. To love me when I can not love myself. To find the good in every bad thing that happens.
I did find hope in AA. I found love around the tables. I found myself in my heart. I found that no matter what happens, nothing is worth picking up that first drink over. Soon God willing I will have 6 months of sobriety. We will stand back and say do you remember when that Scared Steve didn't trust us, didn't think he was worth saving, look at him now. I do feel better about things when I think them thru. I feel human now. i feel like I am special and worth saving. I feel loved, and most of all I am here for the newcomer.
peace
Steve
Friday, May 11, 2007
Very Lonely
Morning all. Where do i start in the mush brain of mine. Tho I feel Lonely I know that I am not alone. I have the have hands off aa, your thoughts and prayers, and most of all I have a HP. Today for the first time I wish that I could just plug the zip drive into my head, and download here. My mind wonders this morning, hard to stay on one subject. My head wants to feel something besides pain, my heart is longing to feel serenity, my body is just aching from the unknown. I was warned that in early sobriety it is a roller coaster ride which implies there are ups. All I feel is the downs,,down,,,down...The ups are there, I just focus on the downs. The ups are the things on my Daily gratitude list. It is that skinny bony little boy that almost missed the bus. It is the troubled teenager that thinks that drugs is his only friend. It is the fact that even if my wife does want a divorce we can still talk. It is the fact my mother will spend another mothers day with her mother in Chicago before coming home from FL. It is all the phone calls I got back on Tues and Wed when my world was falling apart. Ten mins ago I could and you could only see the downs on this ride. I hurt so much that its all i feel some days. But today i choose to feel life. A clean and sober life. One with love and Joy. friends and family to hold me. And most important a life with coffee, brb.......
My son went to a counseling apt. yesterday. He didn't run out, but not happy about it. All in all it went well. He is hurting so bad, he thinks that the only way to find happiness is thru drugs. He is cutting now. Last night after the session, my wife came over here. We spent some time together, showing the boys that we always don't fight, and that things will settle down.
Sat morning now. I'm not going to go into the giant tail of woeeee about money. But yesterday I got one of those certified letters. Notice of default on the house. The house was already in foreclosure. We restructured the loan, with the condition not to be late any more payments, and we are paying a 1 1/2 payments a month. Well Last months payment was 8 days late. We have until the 18th to come up with with the entire amount to bring us current and along with June payment. I made the comment yesterday, that I have been buying new shoes just so the other one could fall. But everyday even though the other shoe may have fallen, I put on another. I got up this morning to figure this out. I am facing the facts, not drowning them away like the old days. I am sober and I know that drinking will not make the mortgage payment, medical bill, put food on the table pay for a lawyer,,,,etc the rest of everyday bills....
Have a great weekend...
Peace
Steve
PS... Stop by and leave Wagon Rider congrads on 5 months of CLEAN and SOBER time, and of course his wife "estranged wife" for all of her support for J****. the are listed on my links. And congrads to all for another 24 hours...
My son went to a counseling apt. yesterday. He didn't run out, but not happy about it. All in all it went well. He is hurting so bad, he thinks that the only way to find happiness is thru drugs. He is cutting now. Last night after the session, my wife came over here. We spent some time together, showing the boys that we always don't fight, and that things will settle down.
Sat morning now. I'm not going to go into the giant tail of woeeee about money. But yesterday I got one of those certified letters. Notice of default on the house. The house was already in foreclosure. We restructured the loan, with the condition not to be late any more payments, and we are paying a 1 1/2 payments a month. Well Last months payment was 8 days late. We have until the 18th to come up with with the entire amount to bring us current and along with June payment. I made the comment yesterday, that I have been buying new shoes just so the other one could fall. But everyday even though the other shoe may have fallen, I put on another. I got up this morning to figure this out. I am facing the facts, not drowning them away like the old days. I am sober and I know that drinking will not make the mortgage payment, medical bill, put food on the table pay for a lawyer,,,,etc the rest of everyday bills....
Have a great weekend...
Peace
Steve
PS... Stop by and leave Wagon Rider congrads on 5 months of CLEAN and SOBER time, and of course his wife "estranged wife" for all of her support for J****. the are listed on my links. And congrads to all for another 24 hours...
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Feeling ....
Feelings...I least I know if I am crying I still have feelings. First my son is home. sleept outside all night in the rain, and then went to school. The school cop called me...
Back to feelings. Last night at a meeting we talked about the 9th step.Made direct amends...One person said something that was like a slap across the face. Making those amends to myself. Thats seems like the hardest. I'm losing everything around me due to this DZ and my lack of power over it for years. I I know now that I have turned it over...At times i agree with my wife I had a choose to stop drinking whenever i wanted. The dz was stronger than me, still is. I look at my wedding band and know how strong this DZ is. Just looking at that has kept me sober. Knowing what I have lost to Alcohol. losing my son to another addiction. As Scott usually writes "Keep on Keeping on" that's all I can do today, just keep on keepin on. Stay in the day...Don't pick up that first drink..This to shall pass...
There is a guy that I see every now and then at meetings. Big Biker dude. think he was a shrink in his past life. Some of the things he says makes me wonder is it is god under that leather. He was at a table with me last night After I shared and we closed the meeting he walked up to me and said just in case no one told you today.."Steve I love you" and gave me a hug. It felt like the entire hands of AA were holding me then. And they were
Today ....
I'm grateful for the hands of AA
I'm grateful for my son being home safe and sound
I'm grateful to be sober
I'm grateful for an understanding family
I'm grateful for some much in my life today
I'm grateful that it is 80 outside
I'm grateful that I'm going outside
Sorry I have a boat to get ready for a hot date with boys......
Steve
I am grateful that my niece showed my mom how to find this blog. Thinking about this saddens me how she has to read this, to find out how I am really doing. Everybody reading my blog really knows how I am doing, just taking it by the minute, some days the second. I don't think I have told my family exactly how I am feeling. Still trying to be that reslient kid everybody thinks I am. I'm not and never had been, holding it in all these years, drinking to forget. but today i don't have to do that anymore. It hurts, but thats ok to hurt and its ok to cry, its ok to so emtion this is something I never allowed myself to show to others, and is hard for me to do that yet.
peace again
Back to feelings. Last night at a meeting we talked about the 9th step.Made direct amends...One person said something that was like a slap across the face. Making those amends to myself. Thats seems like the hardest. I'm losing everything around me due to this DZ and my lack of power over it for years. I I know now that I have turned it over...At times i agree with my wife I had a choose to stop drinking whenever i wanted. The dz was stronger than me, still is. I look at my wedding band and know how strong this DZ is. Just looking at that has kept me sober. Knowing what I have lost to Alcohol. losing my son to another addiction. As Scott usually writes "Keep on Keeping on" that's all I can do today, just keep on keepin on. Stay in the day...Don't pick up that first drink..This to shall pass...
There is a guy that I see every now and then at meetings. Big Biker dude. think he was a shrink in his past life. Some of the things he says makes me wonder is it is god under that leather. He was at a table with me last night After I shared and we closed the meeting he walked up to me and said just in case no one told you today.."Steve I love you" and gave me a hug. It felt like the entire hands of AA were holding me then. And they were
Today ....
I'm grateful for the hands of AA
I'm grateful for my son being home safe and sound
I'm grateful to be sober
I'm grateful for an understanding family
I'm grateful for some much in my life today
I'm grateful that it is 80 outside
I'm grateful that I'm going outside
Sorry I have a boat to get ready for a hot date with boys......
Steve
I am grateful that my niece showed my mom how to find this blog. Thinking about this saddens me how she has to read this, to find out how I am really doing. Everybody reading my blog really knows how I am doing, just taking it by the minute, some days the second. I don't think I have told my family exactly how I am feeling. Still trying to be that reslient kid everybody thinks I am. I'm not and never had been, holding it in all these years, drinking to forget. but today i don't have to do that anymore. It hurts, but thats ok to hurt and its ok to cry, its ok to so emtion this is something I never allowed myself to show to others, and is hard for me to do that yet.
peace again
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Warning Floor disappears w/o warning
Just when I thought things could not get much worse they do. Now official estranged wife wrote me a letter to tell me that she filled for divorce. We have been talking and crying together. Making progress, I thought that we still had a long way to go but we were moving forward. Boy did I get blind sided again.
Its 3 am now. My son didn't take the news really good. By the time my wife finally called back from her busy schedule, my youngest talked to her, I went into the oldest room to find him smoking pot again. i told him he was done. Once he talked to his mother I was calling the police. By the time the youngest got off the phone the oldest ran away. That was at ten pm. Its raining outside now. He has texted a few times, but refuses to come home and refuses any help of any kind. My wife won't come home from her meeting either. I was hurt early now I really am, this is about her child, and still her job has to come first.
Please say a pray for him tonight. Say a pray for my wife tonight. As have as for me My hp is with now. He sent my youngest child home sick from school today to be with me after the news. he his sound asleep in my bed. He saved me from being alone today. He saved me from drinking today. ok yesterday.
peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve
Its 3 am now. My son didn't take the news really good. By the time my wife finally called back from her busy schedule, my youngest talked to her, I went into the oldest room to find him smoking pot again. i told him he was done. Once he talked to his mother I was calling the police. By the time the youngest got off the phone the oldest ran away. That was at ten pm. Its raining outside now. He has texted a few times, but refuses to come home and refuses any help of any kind. My wife won't come home from her meeting either. I was hurt early now I really am, this is about her child, and still her job has to come first.
Please say a pray for him tonight. Say a pray for my wife tonight. As have as for me My hp is with now. He sent my youngest child home sick from school today to be with me after the news. he his sound asleep in my bed. He saved me from being alone today. He saved me from drinking today. ok yesterday.
peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve
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