First Off. Thanks to many to calling me out again. I need you. I need AA, and most of all I need my HP. I was out of town of the last week. I needed you, i needed AA and I needed my HP. Guess what you all where here. I could picture your words, hear your advice, and I heard your voices ringing in my ears. I was tested at every corner...

It was the National Convention for the company I work for in Chicago. My home stopping grounds. i was scared and nevourous, nothing but work,,,cocktail parties and dinners, and afterwards drinking. There were about 16 people from the the chain of stores that my boss owns, many of which I never meet yet. There 2 hours and off to the Shed Aquirium. Meet at the door with a hand shake and Champgine. I took the hand. one guy went to get drink and asked what I need Diet coke and what else. My answer without a second though ice. I went on like noithing was wrong with me. thinking that was easy. i later reminded myself of whoo I am. Some of the old habbits came back, the old Steve. i laughed, I smiled, I had fun. the kind of person that you all told me that I could be. For the first time ever I could flirt without needing courage from a drink.

the rest of the week went down hill from there. I remeber calling a my high school sweetheart who lives in chicago also. She wasn't home. Left a message " I had to walk out, I'm at the house of blues, and I almost felt like I was normal. It its been almost ten months, I could have just a few and stop." I called the numbers programmed in my phone, no answer. I looked up and prayed, please help me. I gathered myself up and walked back in. I'm not a normal drinker I can't have one and stop. Another 24 hours in the book.

Back up first night. I was at the aquitrium. Phone ring it was my wife, soon to be ex, but I still repsect her, Her words were short and harsh. "There is no easy way of saying this. A*** (the oldest) was arrested for underage driving, drinking and in possion of drugs while doing 83 without a license." I lost it. I ran for the wash room, cried, once again I blamed myself, he had followed my example. I walked back into the room. Front and center, with no line was the open bar. It was there jusst for me. NO Line the only thing that would of made it a perdect dream was a hot blonde behind the bar. I walked with a purpose to that bar, and it wasn't good. I heard your voices, your doing great, this too shall pass, it will solve nothing. I heard Lush's canadian accent, Sober chicks Calf lingo, the words that I have reaad from all of you. I still walked to that Bar, NOW with a purpose a DIET COKE. I looked up and thanked him. I walked back to the table, wondering what to do now about my son. The phone rang again. It was "L" the kid in jail wasn't my son, he just used my sons name, my son was there but not driving. I looked up again and thanked him. I'm glad that I strong enough not to take that drink, I would of wrecked my life over something that was nothing, and over something that I had no control over...

I will finsh later..I need to spend time with my love...ME..before I go thanks for being here for me today I am greatful that you have been here to guide me to this day. 300 days, in my alcoholic mind that equals 10 months!!!!

I love you allllllllllll

steve

who I was!!!!

Who I was...From page 6 of " A Guide to the 12 steps of AA"

Fourth Step...Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Again we come to a step that requires courage. One of our chief reasons for drinking was to escape from oursleves. we were afraid of our thoughts and knew we could escape from them through alcohol. We were afraid to face the facts. We were afraid of our jobs, afraid of our families, afraid of resposibility. And we were afraid of thinking about them

So having forified ourselves by taking major hurdles embodied in the first three steps, we find the time has come to actually do something definite about our problem. So very much like a bather diving into an icy lake, we plunge into an inventory of oursleves.

And what did we find? We had been dishonest. We have lied. We have cheated. we have broken hearts. We have stolen. We have slandered others. We have let down emlpoyers, friends and families. we have induluged in extra-marital activities. We have cursed God and Man. We have broken faith. We have smashed most of the laws God and Man. In all, we find that we are pretty sorry, miserable individuals. And every one of these facts can be traced back to alcohol.

To continue the inventory, we consider our physical selves, finding that health is impaired, memory is faulty, appearnace is becoming more carless and slovenly, finances are at a low ebb. And having honestly taken oursleves apart we wonder how on earth people have put up with us all this time.

It is a brave act to dissect ourselves thus. But we are fully compensated in the great feeling of satisfaction we experience in having at last squarely faced an issue. No man in his right senses wants to continue in this manner when he finds out what is wrong with him, so we logically come to the fifth step."

This was me. It sounds like a lot of us in the past, that is what it is...The past. I'm having problems lately with acceptance. yes I'm an alcoholic. But still feel I had a choose. If you haven't noticed I haven't come back lately. I'm scared. Scared that this aa stuff works. It does I have a program. The parts that scared me was on the 9 month. it was 10 months since my wife told me it over, she couldn't let herself get hurt anymore. She needed to care for herself, before she was completely gone. Our marriage had been over for years I knew it, drank to forget it. I tried everything to get her to change her mind. Yes this is a honest program,,,I tried everything. begging, crying, hands and knees, cooking dinner, laundry, finishing projects, talk about not living without her. Then i tried something drastic. Stop drinking that would work, she would see that I still loved her. Today i know the truth. i stopped to try to save my marriage, and yes if she came back before I grew I would be back, back to a life I didn't want. I found my bottom, I walk it daily now, slowly recovering. i have a new job, a new lease on life, a new love and a whole new family in AA. I know this is really working, but there is a part of me that wants to hold onto the past. I know that is not an option. I have done things, been places, smelled and tasted foods that I never knew existed. I have a life today with aa and all of you. so why do I find myself scared. Because you know why. i have failed at just about everything in my life. Is this just one more cloud that I'm on, just at the edge of falling off. All I still see is the wreckage. WOW. You know what that means, it just came to me,,,the good of this. I look down and see the wreckage. looking down from a cloud. My words...I'm out of the wreckage I'm above it, maybe surveying what can be saved, what needs repair, and who needs love.

Wow talk about 180 turn around, I'm smiling,,I am doing good today. I'm still here to talk to you, share my story, and most of all here to bug the living crap out of the rest of the world. I need to be on that cloud holding on, because If I slip I will be right back in the shit. I'm going to call my sponsor now..Yes I have been bad...kept lying to him saying everything is great, he is upnorth, going to make some calls this weekend to find a least a temp sponsor, it might be hard to find someone who will accept me for who i am though. Being a Bears fan in Green-Bay WI is rough...Hey I can laugh today also!!!!!

I Love you all

Peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

Hey DMC I found my happy thought.... dream it!!!

Returning to the scene

WOW..What a couple of days. Still sober today. That's is what counts. I'm still alone and lonely but sober. Well I figured out what was wrong the last couple of days. they till you to play that tape back in your mind the whole tape of your last drunk. Not just what we thought was fun, but the entire thing...So here it is.

It was the second Saturday during deer Gun season, only my two boys and I at the hunting land, her families land. The kids didn't know about the divorce yet. I knew that it would be the last time hunting on the land. I started to drink at noon, packing things up. the kids playing PS2 during lunch, we eat good at deer camp. Neither of them wanted to go hunting that afternoon. It hurt really bad. In 2 hours I managed to drink a case. I stumbled out to my stand, one that was broken, that I feel out of the day before sober. Got up in that stand feeling sorry for myself. Knowing what I felt about my life must be true, that I was worthless, no good and just a drunk. I loaded my gun, said a prayer,,,The lord is my Sheppard, I shall not want,,,I placed the muzzle of the gun in my mouth reached down and pulled the trigger. The drunken idiot that I was forgot to load the chamber. Wouldn't make that mistake again, I was getting could feet know. rigged the gun this time when i lowered it it would go off faceing me...that still didn't work. I cried I couldn't even kill myself. i sat and drank my last can of beer i had with. Stumbled back to the camper, Had my youngest with no license drive us to dinner in town. His mother did this often had to drive. I just then realized I was passing this down to My kids.

After dinner I remember lying down in the snow and looking at the stars so quite and peaceful out. I remember asking for help praying for something I just didn't know what. I awoke awhile later to go inside and play with the kids, the kids that I almost left behind. i wanted to quite but how. I bought another case Sunday night, another Monday Tues night at a town board meeting I was pretty lite, a drank my last drink at 8:54 A guy handed me another across the bar I said NO I was done. Put my jacket on and left,,,oh that beer was in my pocket, just in case. Wednesday I meet with a AODA counselor the following Sunday I meet my new Family in AA for the first time.

Well last Saturday I had to go back to that hunting land to get my camper and tree stands off of it. The memories just rushed back, The thoughts of what I almost did to my family friends and wife. It took me a few days to play that whole tape back in my mind, i did the other night. I needed to. i need to stay sober to live, to love to exist today.

Nine months ago i couldn't cry like I cry know. I just hurt then, and hurt now, but now I have faith that it will get better it has gotten better, and with faith in my HP I will not worry about the what if's. He is here with me, holding me strong. You to are here to guide me..

Peace hugs and kisses
STEVE

All of this misery is refundable

I think it a whole lot lately. Last week was nine months. Nine long months of this new life, but still I find the door that I never shut opening back up. Last Sunday I was cleaning my garage out, back up north still haven't sold the house yet. I found a can a beer, warm, yes my mind raced I dumped it out, thinking I have my nine in. Getting my chip in the morning, who would know. would I tell anyone. The the one that lied to cover lies to cover lies to cover me up. I so lost in my thoughts that I don;t know if I'm typing or rambling. My computer crashed a couple of weeks ago, that was fine with me, no blogging, no one to save me, stopped goping to meeting, stopped caring about myself again. I relasped and I just haven't had that first drink yet.

I feel like this is day one all over so scared so alone, so empty. I can't help but bet myself up lately. Kids gone, school starting the oldest saying that he is going to choose to live with his mother and not vist. The lawyers trying to get me to throw mud. My up-north sponsor telling me to remeber what I put my wife throw so let her have what see wants. My heart telling me it can't stand the pain, my brain saying run, but to what to where.

I hurt but I know that having a drink isn't going to solve anything. I learned that much in the program I learned to trust, but why can't i call. I need to find a spomsor down here, i need to find a home group, hell i need to pick up a phone list, I need,,,I need,,I need. But all I want is to forget forget what I learned.

No meeting tonight,,,don't have a phone list,,,prayer and mediation is all I have all I need. i need any alcoholic to talk to I need you, I need the newcomer to remind me that it still sucks out there.

peace hugs kisses
Steve

Im going back to look for a few emial address of fellow bloggers for help

Selfish or self-ish

A few weeks ago at a meeting I talked about spending time at the waterfalls in MI. A guy at the tables talked to me after the meeting. We talked about how it made me feel closer to my HP. He is native American, he was saying that in his custom, waterfalls have important piece of lives puzzle. It is the beginning. It washes and cleanses everything to make them new. For many it is the beginning of life. As I sat and wondered about this on a recent trip, (which I'm lucking I didn't slip). I sat by the waters edge and saw pieces of my life get washed away. I am so pissed at myself and this DZ. I saw my kids lives wash away, their smiles, their laughs, those little quirky jokes. My wife all the hurt and pain I caused, just flushed away. I saw my whole life float away. My family and friends, oh that's right what friends. I did what AA says new play things and play places. I have given up being a volunteer firefighter. I will resign from the town board, since I had to move. I have given up so much for this DZ that all I have is an empty void.

My kids are away this week. Soon they will start school. I will see them even less. My oldest is in Texas visiting her side of the family. Is was suppose to fly back and spend this week with me. He wanted to stay. I said yes. Selfish....or shelf-ish. My sponsor harped on my about this. I have been so selfish during my drinking, that maybe it is time to give back. At times I feel I just want a new start. a new life, ok i'll be honest I WANT A FLIPPING DRINK!!!! Soon it will be 9 months, maybe that's why I'm so scared. It was close to day 30 when SC sent me a email saying don't stop for a drink after getting that 30 day chip. Right now that is all that consumes me. Work and life is so stressful, why would I want to add more shit to it by drinking. The thought of this new life of mine with the emptiness I feel is consuming my body. My evil twin is tapping me on the shoulder asking to be let back in.

I hurt so much today after seeing those parts of my life get washed away. Today I do have a choice. Today I choice to let the cleansing waters wash my hurt and pain away. To give life to a better way. There is nothing I can do to change the past. I can not dwell there anymore. Soon my kids will be starting school, I will not be able to be there to see them afterwards and help them with homework, that is what hurts so much, that was my job, one thing I could do good with my boys. I will find something else.

peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

You're Job has been elimanted

Wow!!! What a way to start a Monday morning meeting. The owners of the Wholesalert hat I work for was here from South Dakota this morning. The meeting started out with that they wanted to nip any rumors in the bud before it became public. The line of furnace that I was hired to be the equipment corridnor, and outside sales for, it was determined that they were dropping the line. My mouth hit the table. Here I am in training, inside sales so i gain the knowledge of how this company operated before I hit the road and promise things that the company can not deliver, would an alcoholic do something like that. Well I was assured that I still have a job. the other line that we carry would be out main line now.

The old Steve would of flown off the handle, yelled, screamed, bitched and then asked what about me. Today with my program i listened waited and asked question calmly. The decision was a business decision, for the good of the company. I would not want to think how I would of reacted if I was still using.

I knew right then i needed a meeting tonight. One starts in 45 mins. I went blog stalking right away. Couldn't post. reached out of a fellow AA in the program. I have come far. Still have a longs way to go, but today, doing it one day at time, just keeping it simple is the best I can do.

Talked to my sponsor Sun am, just like every sun am. He told me to find a local sponsor. one that is close just in case. He asked me about my morning prayer. What morning, been doing it in the evening. "That make sense, Pray for guidance and strentgh after the shit hits the fan. How about asking for courage to face today's challenges? Maybe those challenges could be solved before they are problems." I miss his words of wisdom some days.

Well Go ta run. i have my kids this week. The oldest is flying to Texas for 2 weeks on Sat. So this way I can see them for a week before school starts when he returns. We are mending some fences. Tearning down walls piece by piece. Someday fast, someday slow. but progress

Well once a week is getting better. I will be back soonerrrrrrrrrrrrr. Still missing ya-all.

peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve

The newcomer

Today I was reminded why it is important for me to go to to meeting. The newcomer. Yes i know at 8 months that's still me, but tonight's meeting there were 3 people there with less than 30 days combined. That was me, that was you, that was us not to long ago. I need meetings, i need the newcomer to remind me that all my misery can be refunded at anytime. Today I awoke alive and sober thats all i have, That is all I need.

It has been to long since I did anything gratitude list.
I'm grateful my HP
I'm grateful for the hands AA
I'm grateful for my family
I'm grateful for my sponsor
I'm grateful for my new family in AA
I'm grateful to discover that I still can't dance
I'm grateful to spend my 1st family function sober, with my grandmother still there to enjoy it
I'm grateful for the newcomer
I'm grateful for all of you that visit my blog, and call be back
I'm grateful for the Loving hands of all of you.

Its been a long time since I really posted. The true raw emotions that consumed this blog in its early days, most of the time I was working thru problems. Today with my problems, I know what to do most of the time, wow does that sound like the promises. Things are still rough getting use to a new life in a new town, but you know what i have something today that i haven't had in a long time. ME. A sober person who is no longer afraid of what might happen, a person that now ,,,ok I won't lie I still don't like change, but i can accept that I can not control its outcome.

I miss all of you. I missed blogging, I missed me. I strayed away, played a little on the dark side, thought I could do this with out meeting, with out talking to a sponsor with out talking to other aa's. I was wrong.

I will be back and keep coming back

love
Peace, hugs and kisses
Steve

I'm back,

Sorry I have been away for so long. This was not a good thing. I tried to do this on my own. I knoe better than that. I need the hands of aa and you for support. I made it to my first meeting in Appleton since I moved down here. I have had a hard time adjusting to the move from the kids. Teenagers being teenagers. Drunks being drunks. that all i am a drunk, a sober drunk but I'm no different from others. This is going to be short. Kids are here this week. Trying to repair some broken walls with them.

The picture is from the UP of Michigan. This is were I go both in my mind and physically to connect with my hp asking and prayering to do his will not mine.

the other pic is a picture of Sober Steve at his first sober Wedding. Don't worry it wasn't mine. I will be back again. I will keep coming back. I missed you all. i missed My blogger and stalker buds.

peace hugs and kisses

Steve

A Fathers Prayer

Happy fathers day to all the dads out there. My heart hangs heavy on this day. Not only is this the first fathers day i will be sober. It is the first one alone. This is hard I'm scared. I know that you are not supoose to make majot changes in the first year, but moving is not a a choice it is reality. The thing that confuses me is that today is my anniversy. 18 years ago I held the love of my life in my arms and said forever. Today I just hold those thoughts thats all I have.

I wish I had more time to post. It sun moring. Friday drove home to (northern Wisconsin will always be my home) 512 miles. yesterday I packed up and brought a load to Appleton Wisconsin. 438 miles round trip yesterday. Packed some more this morning. Kids are coming over after my aa meeting this morning. Taking them with to appleton for the week to my new house. I know a knew that needs new memories, good sober memories. I feel empty with every trip I make out of this house.

I missed posating last week. I'm going to get around to say Hi to all this afternoon before i pack pc. not sure when I will get internet down south.

Love to all
peace
hugs and kiises
Steve

Running to or from something?

Running to or from that is the question. First Thanks Lush for getting me out to play again TodAAy. Yes its been a week since I posted. can't even say I been busy. Been praying to find find gods will not Steve's will.

Went on a job interview last Thurs. Was up all night Wednesday, thinking, and praying, meditating. I was offered the job they are going to get final numbers back and go from there. It would require me to move. One of the big NO-No's in early sobriety. It feels so right, it feels like this a chance to change to grow a chance for all to heal.

Today is June 12. I am sitting in a hotel in Sioux Falls, SD. It is amazing that AA is the same in SD as in Illinois as in Northern Wisconsin We are a bunch of alcoholics trying to trudge our way through. My mind has been racing with doubt and guilt. My says I'm running from but my heart says I'm running to. Through all of this decision making I still feel that this is right. My HP has put so many people in my life for this not to be the wrong decision. Helping me make this decision was the overwhelming faith of others that i could do this. Arriving in SD my suitcase wasn't even put away before i found a meeting. Today i am grateful for the open and loving arms of AA everywhere. I will catch you all up when i return to my new home in Southern Wisconsin.


Peace, hugs and kisses
Steve