Sunday, August 19, 2007

Selfish or self-ish

A few weeks ago at a meeting I talked about spending time at the waterfalls in MI. A guy at the tables talked to me after the meeting. We talked about how it made me feel closer to my HP. He is native American, he was saying that in his custom, waterfalls have important piece of lives puzzle. It is the beginning. It washes and cleanses everything to make them new. For many it is the beginning of life. As I sat and wondered about this on a recent trip, (which I'm lucking I didn't slip). I sat by the waters edge and saw pieces of my life get washed away. I am so pissed at myself and this DZ. I saw my kids lives wash away, their smiles, their laughs, those little quirky jokes. My wife all the hurt and pain I caused, just flushed away. I saw my whole life float away. My family and friends, oh that's right what friends. I did what AA says new play things and play places. I have given up being a volunteer firefighter. I will resign from the town board, since I had to move. I have given up so much for this DZ that all I have is an empty void.

My kids are away this week. Soon they will start school. I will see them even less. My oldest is in Texas visiting her side of the family. Is was suppose to fly back and spend this week with me. He wanted to stay. I said yes. Selfish....or shelf-ish. My sponsor harped on my about this. I have been so selfish during my drinking, that maybe it is time to give back. At times I feel I just want a new start. a new life, ok i'll be honest I WANT A FLIPPING DRINK!!!! Soon it will be 9 months, maybe that's why I'm so scared. It was close to day 30 when SC sent me a email saying don't stop for a drink after getting that 30 day chip. Right now that is all that consumes me. Work and life is so stressful, why would I want to add more shit to it by drinking. The thought of this new life of mine with the emptiness I feel is consuming my body. My evil twin is tapping me on the shoulder asking to be let back in.

I hurt so much today after seeing those parts of my life get washed away. Today I do have a choice. Today I choice to let the cleansing waters wash my hurt and pain away. To give life to a better way. There is nothing I can do to change the past. I can not dwell there anymore. Soon my kids will be starting school, I will not be able to be there to see them afterwards and help them with homework, that is what hurts so much, that was my job, one thing I could do good with my boys. I will find something else.

hugs and kisses