Friday, January 25, 2008

Steve,,,in charge of Alcohol

We had a dealers meeting last week at work. I work my program over and over. Just always reminding myself what happens to me when I try control the uncontrollable. Work 12-16 hour days getting ready, not my procrastination either. I wanted everything done, just because I know how I get under pressure. I had no control over the fact We were not ready for this meeting. i had to talk about programs ,,,that I never saw till the power point presentation. I did well, I did great.

On Tues it was decided that I should stop on my home to get cheese and sausage and veggie trays,ohhhh yeah,,,buy those and with a coupon get Budweiser free. Yes Send an alcoholic to get the beer.

Well I was fine, but of course I doubted myself. didn't trust myself at all. 6 Cases of Beer in my truck, 3 miles back to work, it gave me 3 miles to allow that evil twin back in. Called my old sponsor from the parking lot. It was for Work, it was what my boss asked me to do. He reminded me that there are 98% of the world population that can drink with-out getting drunk.
There are people who can have one and Stop. He reminded me again that I was not probably one of them. But suggested if I thought I was to have one and stop again. Well He baited me, not go. I knew what would happen with even the smallest sip. Of course I did fine. Almost fine, I bought Odouls and had two that night at the meeting, which is just 3 stories by itself.

Beer tastes bad to me, so don't worry. not running for the flavor. I did ok, but reminded myself what happens if you sit in the barber chair to many times. Someday you are going to get a hair cut. Gotta run for know at work running around again, short handed here and it is FLIPPING cold 16 below Zero.

Peace Hugs and Kisses


Wednesday, January 16, 2008

5 things

When I started in this proggram I was told at my first meeting to do five simple things:

1) Read the Big Book
2) Goto Meetings
3) Get a sponsor
4) Go to Meetings
5) Keep coming Back

I'm back IN the program. I Have a sponsor,,, I finaly have someone to hold me accountable here. I can't hide behind the fact that my "Northern" sponsor is 300 miles away. I feel so much better. I started to go to at least 3 meeting a week again. I started to walk the other way, thinking I could really do this on my own. I can't. Latley the guilt and shame and the lonelness ruled my heart. I was afraid to live again. My Uncle died right after x-mas. I was so ready to just say *uck it. I was already drunk, in my mind...A dry drunk. I didn't care about myself or my program. The only thing that keep me around the tables was the saying Fake it till you make it. I needed to do this. I needed a spark. I got that spark, I got it from all the thoughts and comments you have left in the past. It was DMC who told me to get my ass off the couch and start living again, Mr Anderson who showed concern, it was the conversions with Sober chick, it was Scott my misplaced bro in Ohio. It was all my brothers and sisters in recovery who brought me back. Oh yeah Mickey also. didn't want him to think he won and stopped me from blogging.

Today I am not ashamed of what i did in the past. I'm trying to pick up the pieces in my life and live again. Live a sober and clean life. To go thru the day and not add people to my 8th step list. Live life on lifes terms... To love again, starting with myself.

I love you all,

peace hugs and Kisses

Friday, January 4, 2008


With this new year, it should bring new and exciting feelings to me, but it doesn't. I have been sober for over a year, big deal. I need to start living again. I need to become one of the people that I envoy at meetings, one who laughs, not cries. One who gets called instead of one waiting for the courage to call another. One who loves, not one who misses what he loved. I haven't been to a meeting in weeks, Haven't blogged, haven't been myself. I'm not sure what I miss most. I cry alot by myself, that seems to bring me further down. My job is taking a toll on me. Long hours is the only thing that is working, I can't wollow in self pitty. I miss so much of the person I was becoming, I pulled back into my shell and can not come out. I'm afraid I afraid of hurting anyone again.

My kids and I are getting along great, The oldest doesn't fight to come see me the youngest he is just an angel sent from heaven to help me. My girlfriend ( yes I have one) supports my recovery. I just am scared to death of failing. This feeling started around my one year mark. I went and spoke at the treatment center that I went to. Told my story hoping it will make a difference to at least one person. A differnece what is that. Today I don't feel different I just feel like a sober sick person. One with no outlook on life left.

I haven't been this far down in months. Blogging use to help, going to do more of that, and surf and talk to you who are making it, making that differnece. I need to be that person again.

peace hugs and kisses