Saturday, March 28, 2009

Spring Break with a program of Recovery

Good Morning my fellow peeps. Last week was my youngest sons spring break. Of course everyone wanted to fly to Florida to bake in the sun. They even tried the guilt thing saying that wanted to see the cousins who live there and Grandma and Grandpa G the snow birds. Today using my program of recovery I'm currently working on my amends. Most of those are Finical amends to family friends (well I use to call them friends) and banking institutions. I'm trying to purchase a house of my own. Something I can Call my own, have ownership of it, like my program I need to work on this in steps, a day at a time.

Well I took Thursday and Friday off of work, My girlfriend and her son came down from the UP of Michigan Wednesday night. Thursday Morning Her and I went to the bank to check on a loan for the above dream. The Banker went through everything said he would try to do his best, but wasn't sure. He later called and said I needed more time to clear up the past bad credit. Time, its in the past I can not change that, what can I do. I thanked him as he said he was sorry, it was not him that put me in this position I'm in today with my credit. That could of started the weekend out bad, but not for me. It was in the past, I need to keep working my program being a responsible member of society, that mean paying bills by due date.

Friday Morning rolled around and My brother and I along with "T" went pheasant hunting. one of the last weekends open for it in Illinois. Oh Forgot that part, both of us moved north to WI and MI during our marriages, our families still live in the Chicago area. Went hunting and had fun, I need glasses, another denly stage.

Now speaking of stages my family all work in the theater bizz. My brother asked if we wanted tickets to a Reba Concert. I said yes. He called Sat morning when we where downtown in the Sears towers saying he had 5 tickets. My oldest wouldn't go to a country concert so "T" invited her brother (cross that visit of the list,lol). So the 3 of us along with her son and my youngest went. Meet my brother in the parking lot, his wife and daughter drove with us. They had nose bleed tickets. Ours where front row, only security in front of us. How cool is that. 2 of my brothers where working that concert, my oldest came up to me with some guy and asked if I remember him. Shit he looked bad, life was bad to him I thought, it was his best friend that I hadn't seen in 25 years. He looked at me and said "Holy shit you are one fat ***ker." I got married weighting 135 well lets just say I'm well over the 200 mark today. Dennis had been in and out of rehad a few times and from the smell he is still out there. I thought I would rather be fat and Bald then that way ever again.

The couple sitting next to me, both had a drink the smell was sickening, but death is sickening also. That's where I would be if I wanted one. Which I didn't, first concert sober. I use to work these concerts, and yes drink during them i was 19-20 at the time and thought how great is this work and drink and get paid $20 an hour, that was over 20 years ago.

Anyways We had a great time. the kids it was there first concert ever, front row. Will be hard to top that. They would of like it better if it wasn't country, but they came with. I did loose my temper with the kids and yelled at her son, but promptly made my amends. What a great weekend.

Two years ago I posted on this blog my first trip alone with my kids went to the Sears tower also. Was scraid, alone and afraid of the temptation. Today I can say that the promises are coming true for me, God has relived my mention obsession to drink. I am regaining trust in myself and others.

God this program is great, and it is great living it.

Peace hugs and Kisses

I did things with my

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Happy B-day to ME!!!

Wow what a difference two years makes. Friday was my belly button birthday. A little over two years I was crying in my milk that I was going to turn 40 in treatment. Looking back I think that was one of the reasons I walked out of treatment. A few weeks ago I wrote about returning to the scene, I was sober, but miserable. I was at that point in the big book were they talk about jumping off point. I couldn't imagine life with alcohol and couldn't live with-it, then I added my family either. When I sat there staring at my wedding ring, a bottle, and a gun in my heart I only wanted to save the ring. The last two would or could never get back my wife or family, actually it would insure I would never be happy. I set my pride aside and returned to treatment. I needed to learn how to deal with these feelings I had. I entered treatment on March 6, 2007. A birthday present to me. A chance at life. A chance to live again. A chance to restore myself to sanity.

Today life is different. I'm still suffering, but I am sober and learning how to live a sober. My 42 was not what I wanted, but it was what it was. i spent it working at a convention for 3 days in the Wisconsin Dells with my girlfriend and oldest son. Two things I did not think I would have two years ago. Today I am learning what it means to live sober. Make commitments and keep them. Learn to pay bills on time. Learn to love others as well as myself,,,That one is hard some days!

I feel sad every time my girlfriend leaves with my son to go back north, knowing that it is another week until I see them again, maybe two weeks for my son. my oldest son living with me fills that void of loneliness and isolation. He has been a god sent for me. He is dealing with his addition's, and is not done yet. Although not actively using because of probation, he still talks about it. He most face that himself and discover a higher power of his own.

Today I am grateful to be a member of AA and grateful for you being here for me and keeping me sober for another day!