Tuesday, September 25, 2007

First Off. Thanks to many to calling me out again. I need you. I need AA, and most of all I need my HP. I was out of town of the last week. I needed you, i needed AA and I needed my HP. Guess what you all where here. I could picture your words, hear your advice, and I heard your voices ringing in my ears. I was tested at every corner...

It was the National Convention for the company I work for in Chicago. My home stopping grounds. i was scared and nevourous, nothing but work,,,cocktail parties and dinners, and afterwards drinking. There were about 16 people from the the chain of stores that my boss owns, many of which I never meet yet. There 2 hours and off to the Shed Aquirium. Meet at the door with a hand shake and Champgine. I took the hand. one guy went to get drink and asked what I need Diet coke and what else. My answer without a second though ice. I went on like noithing was wrong with me. thinking that was easy. i later reminded myself of whoo I am. Some of the old habbits came back, the old Steve. i laughed, I smiled, I had fun. the kind of person that you all told me that I could be. For the first time ever I could flirt without needing courage from a drink.

the rest of the week went down hill from there. I remeber calling a my high school sweetheart who lives in chicago also. She wasn't home. Left a message " I had to walk out, I'm at the house of blues, and I almost felt like I was normal. It its been almost ten months, I could have just a few and stop." I called the numbers programmed in my phone, no answer. I looked up and prayed, please help me. I gathered myself up and walked back in. I'm not a normal drinker I can't have one and stop. Another 24 hours in the book.

Back up first night. I was at the aquitrium. Phone ring it was my wife, soon to be ex, but I still repsect her, Her words were short and harsh. "There is no easy way of saying this. A*** (the oldest) was arrested for underage driving, drinking and in possion of drugs while doing 83 without a license." I lost it. I ran for the wash room, cried, once again I blamed myself, he had followed my example. I walked back into the room. Front and center, with no line was the open bar. It was there jusst for me. NO Line the only thing that would of made it a perdect dream was a hot blonde behind the bar. I walked with a purpose to that bar, and it wasn't good. I heard your voices, your doing great, this too shall pass, it will solve nothing. I heard Lush's canadian accent, Sober chicks Calf lingo, the words that I have reaad from all of you. I still walked to that Bar, NOW with a purpose a DIET COKE. I looked up and thanked him. I walked back to the table, wondering what to do now about my son. The phone rang again. It was "L" the kid in jail wasn't my son, he just used my sons name, my son was there but not driving. I looked up again and thanked him. I'm glad that I strong enough not to take that drink, I would of wrecked my life over something that was nothing, and over something that I had no control over...

I will finsh later..I need to spend time with my love...ME..before I go thanks for being here for me today I am greatful that you have been here to guide me to this day. 300 days, in my alcoholic mind that equals 10 months!!!!

I love you allllllllllll


Thursday, September 13, 2007

who I was!!!!

Who I was...From page 6 of " A Guide to the 12 steps of AA"

Fourth Step...Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Again we come to a step that requires courage. One of our chief reasons for drinking was to escape from oursleves. we were afraid of our thoughts and knew we could escape from them through alcohol. We were afraid to face the facts. We were afraid of our jobs, afraid of our families, afraid of resposibility. And we were afraid of thinking about them

So having forified ourselves by taking major hurdles embodied in the first three steps, we find the time has come to actually do something definite about our problem. So very much like a bather diving into an icy lake, we plunge into an inventory of oursleves.

And what did we find? We had been dishonest. We have lied. We have cheated. we have broken hearts. We have stolen. We have slandered others. We have let down emlpoyers, friends and families. we have induluged in extra-marital activities. We have cursed God and Man. We have broken faith. We have smashed most of the laws God and Man. In all, we find that we are pretty sorry, miserable individuals. And every one of these facts can be traced back to alcohol.

To continue the inventory, we consider our physical selves, finding that health is impaired, memory is faulty, appearnace is becoming more carless and slovenly, finances are at a low ebb. And having honestly taken oursleves apart we wonder how on earth people have put up with us all this time.

It is a brave act to dissect ourselves thus. But we are fully compensated in the great feeling of satisfaction we experience in having at last squarely faced an issue. No man in his right senses wants to continue in this manner when he finds out what is wrong with him, so we logically come to the fifth step."

This was me. It sounds like a lot of us in the past, that is what it is...The past. I'm having problems lately with acceptance. yes I'm an alcoholic. But still feel I had a choose. If you haven't noticed I haven't come back lately. I'm scared. Scared that this aa stuff works. It does I have a program. The parts that scared me was on the 9 month. it was 10 months since my wife told me it over, she couldn't let herself get hurt anymore. She needed to care for herself, before she was completely gone. Our marriage had been over for years I knew it, drank to forget it. I tried everything to get her to change her mind. Yes this is a honest program,,,I tried everything. begging, crying, hands and knees, cooking dinner, laundry, finishing projects, talk about not living without her. Then i tried something drastic. Stop drinking that would work, she would see that I still loved her. Today i know the truth. i stopped to try to save my marriage, and yes if she came back before I grew I would be back, back to a life I didn't want. I found my bottom, I walk it daily now, slowly recovering. i have a new job, a new lease on life, a new love and a whole new family in AA. I know this is really working, but there is a part of me that wants to hold onto the past. I know that is not an option. I have done things, been places, smelled and tasted foods that I never knew existed. I have a life today with aa and all of you. so why do I find myself scared. Because you know why. i have failed at just about everything in my life. Is this just one more cloud that I'm on, just at the edge of falling off. All I still see is the wreckage. WOW. You know what that means, it just came to me,,,the good of this. I look down and see the wreckage. looking down from a cloud. My words...I'm out of the wreckage I'm above it, maybe surveying what can be saved, what needs repair, and who needs love.

Wow talk about 180 turn around, I'm smiling,,I am doing good today. I'm still here to talk to you, share my story, and most of all here to bug the living crap out of the rest of the world. I need to be on that cloud holding on, because If I slip I will be right back in the shit. I'm going to call my sponsor now..Yes I have been bad...kept lying to him saying everything is great, he is upnorth, going to make some calls this weekend to find a least a temp sponsor, it might be hard to find someone who will accept me for who i am though. Being a Bears fan in Green-Bay WI is rough...Hey I can laugh today also!!!!!

I Love you all

hugs and kisses

Hey DMC I found my happy thought.... dream it!!!

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Returning to the scene

WOW..What a couple of days. Still sober today. That's is what counts. I'm still alone and lonely but sober. Well I figured out what was wrong the last couple of days. they till you to play that tape back in your mind the whole tape of your last drunk. Not just what we thought was fun, but the entire thing...So here it is.

It was the second Saturday during deer Gun season, only my two boys and I at the hunting land, her families land. The kids didn't know about the divorce yet. I knew that it would be the last time hunting on the land. I started to drink at noon, packing things up. the kids playing PS2 during lunch, we eat good at deer camp. Neither of them wanted to go hunting that afternoon. It hurt really bad. In 2 hours I managed to drink a case. I stumbled out to my stand, one that was broken, that I feel out of the day before sober. Got up in that stand feeling sorry for myself. Knowing what I felt about my life must be true, that I was worthless, no good and just a drunk. I loaded my gun, said a prayer,,,The lord is my Sheppard, I shall not want,,,I placed the muzzle of the gun in my mouth reached down and pulled the trigger. The drunken idiot that I was forgot to load the chamber. Wouldn't make that mistake again, I was getting could feet know. rigged the gun this time when i lowered it it would go off faceing me...that still didn't work. I cried I couldn't even kill myself. i sat and drank my last can of beer i had with. Stumbled back to the camper, Had my youngest with no license drive us to dinner in town. His mother did this often had to drive. I just then realized I was passing this down to My kids.

After dinner I remember lying down in the snow and looking at the stars so quite and peaceful out. I remember asking for help praying for something I just didn't know what. I awoke awhile later to go inside and play with the kids, the kids that I almost left behind. i wanted to quite but how. I bought another case Sunday night, another Monday Tues night at a town board meeting I was pretty lite, a drank my last drink at 8:54 A guy handed me another across the bar I said NO I was done. Put my jacket on and left,,,oh that beer was in my pocket, just in case. Wednesday I meet with a AODA counselor the following Sunday I meet my new Family in AA for the first time.

Well last Saturday I had to go back to that hunting land to get my camper and tree stands off of it. The memories just rushed back, The thoughts of what I almost did to my family friends and wife. It took me a few days to play that whole tape back in my mind, i did the other night. I needed to. i need to stay sober to live, to love to exist today.

Nine months ago i couldn't cry like I cry know. I just hurt then, and hurt now, but now I have faith that it will get better it has gotten better, and with faith in my HP I will not worry about the what if's. He is here with me, holding me strong. You to are here to guide me..

Peace hugs and kisses

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

All of this misery is refundable

I think it a whole lot lately. Last week was nine months. Nine long months of this new life, but still I find the door that I never shut opening back up. Last Sunday I was cleaning my garage out, back up north still haven't sold the house yet. I found a can a beer, warm, yes my mind raced I dumped it out, thinking I have my nine in. Getting my chip in the morning, who would know. would I tell anyone. The the one that lied to cover lies to cover lies to cover me up. I so lost in my thoughts that I don;t know if I'm typing or rambling. My computer crashed a couple of weeks ago, that was fine with me, no blogging, no one to save me, stopped goping to meeting, stopped caring about myself again. I relasped and I just haven't had that first drink yet.

I feel like this is day one all over so scared so alone, so empty. I can't help but bet myself up lately. Kids gone, school starting the oldest saying that he is going to choose to live with his mother and not vist. The lawyers trying to get me to throw mud. My up-north sponsor telling me to remeber what I put my wife throw so let her have what see wants. My heart telling me it can't stand the pain, my brain saying run, but to what to where.

I hurt but I know that having a drink isn't going to solve anything. I learned that much in the program I learned to trust, but why can't i call. I need to find a spomsor down here, i need to find a home group, hell i need to pick up a phone list, I need,,,I need,,I need. But all I want is to forget forget what I learned.

No meeting tonight,,,don't have a phone list,,,prayer and mediation is all I have all I need. i need any alcoholic to talk to I need you, I need the newcomer to remind me that it still sucks out there.

peace hugs kisses

Im going back to look for a few emial address of fellow bloggers for help