WOW..What a couple of days. Still sober today. That's is what counts. I'm still alone and lonely but sober. Well I figured out what was wrong the last couple of days. they till you to play that tape back in your mind the whole tape of your last drunk. Not just what we thought was fun, but the entire thing...So here it is.
It was the second Saturday during deer Gun season, only my two boys and I at the hunting land, her families land. The kids didn't know about the divorce yet. I knew that it would be the last time hunting on the land. I started to drink at noon, packing things up. the kids playing PS2 during lunch, we eat good at deer camp. Neither of them wanted to go hunting that afternoon. It hurt really bad. In 2 hours I managed to drink a case. I stumbled out to my stand, one that was broken, that I feel out of the day before sober. Got up in that stand feeling sorry for myself. Knowing what I felt about my life must be true, that I was worthless, no good and just a drunk. I loaded my gun, said a prayer,,,The lord is my Sheppard, I shall not want,,,I placed the muzzle of the gun in my mouth reached down and pulled the trigger. The drunken idiot that I was forgot to load the chamber. Wouldn't make that mistake again, I was getting could feet know. rigged the gun this time when i lowered it it would go off faceing me...that still didn't work. I cried I couldn't even kill myself. i sat and drank my last can of beer i had with. Stumbled back to the camper, Had my youngest with no license drive us to dinner in town. His mother did this often had to drive. I just then realized I was passing this down to My kids.
After dinner I remember lying down in the snow and looking at the stars so quite and peaceful out. I remember asking for help praying for something I just didn't know what. I awoke awhile later to go inside and play with the kids, the kids that I almost left behind. i wanted to quite but how. I bought another case Sunday night, another Monday Tues night at a town board meeting I was pretty lite, a drank my last drink at 8:54 A guy handed me another across the bar I said NO I was done. Put my jacket on and left,,,oh that beer was in my pocket, just in case. Wednesday I meet with a AODA counselor the following Sunday I meet my new Family in AA for the first time.
Well last Saturday I had to go back to that hunting land to get my camper and tree stands off of it. The memories just rushed back, The thoughts of what I almost did to my family friends and wife. It took me a few days to play that whole tape back in my mind, i did the other night. I needed to. i need to stay sober to live, to love to exist today.
Nine months ago i couldn't cry like I cry know. I just hurt then, and hurt now, but now I have faith that it will get better it has gotten better, and with faith in my HP I will not worry about the what if's. He is here with me, holding me strong. You to are here to guide me..
Peace hugs and kisses
STEVE
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18 comments:
Wow, Steve. Thank you for sharing that story, although it was really hard to read.
Congratulations on 9 months. That is a big deal. From 9 months to a little over a year was a tough period for me, but in a good way. My advice is to stay close to the people who help you if you are feeling lonely, like I did then.
I am so glad you were too drunk to load that gun. I'm glad to have you in my life. It always makes my day to read your posts.
Congratulations again on your 9 months!
Best wishes,
Judith
"We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it"
A drink will not make anything better today. Inspite the loneliness and other stuff you DO sound lighter on this post.
Keep on, do the things you can do today, and try not to focus on what you cant.
Yeh reach out to others Bloggers are part of the fellowship, we are really lucky to have this too... 21st century technology rocks, another lifesave!!
Take care :)
And congrats on 9 months.. awesome!!
i'm so glad the gun didn't work and you're here to tell us about it!
Thanks for sharing...9 months and still counting!
man am I grateful on so many levels that you didn't manage to get the gun thing happening! returning to the scene can be tough OMG wow... I am glad you're sober,a nd grateful to you for sharing this part of your story.
You're a miracle, we're all miracles...
peace and hugs man!
Congratulations on 9+ Months. You are a far better person now than ever. I don't think you still realize that and you should.
IMHO The oldest son should come and visit. If he doesn't see you nothing can ever get better. Attorneys are @$$-%$#@ES and behind her Atty's reasoning is more $$ for her. Don't be ignorant and innocent and think they give a rats furry posterior about the kids.
Hi Steve: Just checkin in on ya. You were one of the 1st blog peeps to give advice to me on my new journey. I still appreciate it ;0)
Congrats on 9 months!
Heya - just stopping in to say hello! Have a wonderful day and safe weekend!
Kindly,
Kathrin
SOUND OF SOBRIETY
Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk crap again,
An AA meeting softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the 12 Steps that were planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of sobriety.
In restless meetings I walked alone
Bill Wilson Clones, made of stone
Neath the halo of an OLD TIMER,
I turned my collar to the 1st and 3rd Step
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING
That split the night
And touched the sound of sobriety.
And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand STEPPERS, maybe more.
STEPPERS reading the BIG BOOK,
STEPPERS hearing without listening,
STEPPERS writing their 4th STEP
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of sobriety.
Zombies said I, you do not know
Sobriety like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might BRAINWASH you,
Take my arms that I might 13th Step you.
But my words like the higher power fell,
And echoed
In the halls of sobriety
And the STEPPERS ranted and raved
To the AA god they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the sign said, KEEP COMING BACK
IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT
And the 12 STEP ZOMBIES.
Whispered in the sounds of sobriety.
Peace Be With You
Micky
HOW IT SUCKS
Rarely have we seen a person fail who followed us home. Those who are not BRAINWASHED are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this garbage, usually men and women who are constitutionally capable of thinking for themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born premature. They are naturally capable of building and developing muscles, which demands rigorous training. Their chances are 6/4 on.
There are those, too, who are gravediggers and undertakers, but many of them do become ZOMBIES if they have the capacity to be dishonest. Our stories disclose in a twisted way, who we like, what happened, and who we hate now. If you have decided you want a cup of tea and are willing to go to any lengths to become emotionally shutdown, SHAPE SHIFTING REPTILES - then you are ready to take certain steps. At some of these we balked, we thought we could find someone to 13th Step. And we realised, we could. With all the madness at our command, we beg of you to become Bill Wilson Clones - from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our BIG BOOKS and the result was nil until we let go of our SPONSORS. Remember that we deal with alcohol, frothy, bubbly, and powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is one who has all power that one is the BARMAN. May you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the bar. We asked the BARMAN for a couple of stiff whiskies. Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program to INSANITY:
1.We admitted we were powerless over Coca - Cola, and decided to drink Pepsi, instead.
2.Came to believe that Cold Power was a detergent.
3.Made a decision to turn our heads when we saw an attractive blonde.
4.Did a body search of the new members.
5.Admitted to our DOG, to elves, and to another super being the exact nature of our songs.
6.Were entirely ready to have SUPERMAN remove the effects of kryptonite.
7.Humbly asked CLARK KENT to remove our brains.
8.Made a list of all persons who owed us money, and became willing to charge them interest.
9.Made direct hits wherever possible, except when someone moved the target.
10.Continued to talk crap and when we were wrong, promptly talked more crap.
11.Sought through our mail and computer to improve our conscious contact with BATMAN, as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of ROBIN and the return of SPIDERMAN.
12.Having had a stroke as the result of these steps, we tried to carry out the garbage, and fell flat on our backs.
Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain their homes and 13th Step the newcomers, at the same time. We are not psychopaths. The point is, that we are willing to become psychotic. The principles we have set down are guides to psychosis. We claim that Bill Wilson was a psychopath.
Our description of the landscape, the chapter to the Gnostic, and our family photos before and after make clear three pertinent ideas:
(a) That we were ugly and could not manage our own appearance.
(b) That probably no photographer could have improved our looks.
(c) That a PLASTIC SURGEON could and would if he were sought.
Peace Be With You
Micky
Anonymous Said:
i just find it ironic that everyone that is against AA on this page uses very hateful terms, very judging and condemning. Everyone that is in AA does just the opposite. I don't know about anyone else, but I try to let people do their own thing, if it works for them go for it.
Greetings Anonymous
I felt some pain reading your comments [meaningless words]. What is, IT? What is a HATEFUL TERM? I imagine you are in a lot of pain and you are projecting it onto anyone who challenges the FALSE DOCTRINE, which is AA. Your process is not about AA or anyone else, but unresolved issues from your childhood. Do you think you might be a RAGEAHOLIC and CONTROL FREAK, Anonymous? Were you abused as a child? I love you (agape) and I pray that you recover that “little child”, who I imagine you abandoned quite a long time ago. How do you feel?
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
SOLVING A PROBLEM
A STEPPER goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm Bill Wilson; then I'm Bob Smith; then I'm Bill Wilson; then I'm Bob Smith. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're a BILL AND BOB CLONE." [wink] [wink].
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
Anonymous Said:
Since addiction is a disease, your "willpower" is just as useless in overcoming the FUNDAMENTAL aspects of addiction, such as the brain chemistry and neurostructure changes.
Greetings Anonymous
There is absolutely no scientific foundation to the notion that some people have an allergy to alcohol. An allergy (more properly speaking – hypersensitivity) is a well-defined medical condition where the body produces antibodies in response to an antigen. A detailed description can be found in wikipedia.en.wikipedia.org
No scientific researcher has ever found any human who produces antibodies in response to alcohol.
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
Anonymous Said:
When i drink, fear is gone. is AA about confronting fear?
MICKY said...
Dear Anonymous,
The secret is to feel your FEAR in your body and understand that it is not about, NOW - but unprocessed "stuff" from your childhood. AA will SUPPRESS your FEAR but if you stop going to meetings your FEAR will eventually surface, again. Why do you think STEPPERS still go to meetings after 30 – 40 years sober? AA doesn't deal with the causes of your FEAR (childhood). I suggest you see a good therapist (who has processed his/her own history) who can help you process your FEAR and release you from your "psychological prison”. 12 Step programs per se will eventually send you insane because one is not RECOVERING (inner child) and the feelings (fear, pain and shame) are not being processed. That is why most STEPPERS are also RAGEAHOLICS [emotionally shutdown, SHAPE SHIFTING REPTILES]. Get out, or end up as just another victim of Satan (AA) who prowls around like a ROARING LION, waiting for someone to devour.
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
Nowhere in the 12 steps does it say that you should quit drinking, or help anyone else to quit drinking, either. Nowhere do the words SOBRIETY, RECOVERY, ABSTINENCE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS, JOY, & LOVE appear in the 12 Steps. The word ‘alcohol’ is only used once, when it was PATCHED into the 1st Step for the word “sin.” But Wilson wrote “ We are powerless over ‘alcohol’… Oxford Group Slogan; “We are powerless over sin & have been defeated by it.
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
Anonymous said...
Micky, you need help. Medical and Pharmaceutical. Oh, yeah, and a LIFE!
Greetings Anonymous
I felt some pain reading your comments. Did you know that JESUS CHRIST, died on a cross for you sins, Anonymous? You are obviously a COWARD or a PSYCHOPATH? . SATAN has kept you sober and I imagine you were FROTHING at the mouth when you posted your comments (DIATRIBE}. You have become a SHAPE SHIFTING REPTILE after years of being exposed to BUCHMANISM. You might need to change your medication? Has your brain has been altered, through AA BRAINWASHING, Anonymous? Are you a DRUG ADDICT? Were you abused as a child, Anonymous? How do you FEEL, Bill Wilson CLONE?
BEGONE SATAN!!
TWELVE STEPS AWAY FROM CHRIST
Mr. Bill Wilson, founder of Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) and creator of the twelve step program. Mr. Wilson was heavily influenced by demons. Chapter sixteen (p. 275f) of 'Pass It On' The Story of Bill Wilson and how the A.A. message reached the world records Mr. Wilson's use of the ouija board, participation in seances, psychic events, "spook sessions", table levitation, and how he would receive "messages" from "discarnate" spirits. Bill Wilson was clearly in contact with demons, and this is the man who created the deceptive twelve step program. Make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. (step #11. Emphasis added.) The last part of this statement ("as we understood Him") is enough to damn your soul! God says, Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5). This is the exact opposite of "God as we understood Him." All men, according to Romans 1:18-32, are condemned before God, because they rely upon their own understanding (Romans 1:21; Ephesians 4:18, "having their understanding darkened"), and they create (in their own darkened minds) a god of their own making (Romans 1:23). To encourage people to turn their "lives over to the care of God as we understood Him", is to encourage people to "turn their lives over to a god of their own making" (i.e. according to their own understanding). This promotes nothing more than spiritual death (Revelation 22:15). In addition, these twelve steps are a deceitful attack against the saving work of the Lord Jesus Christ (i.e. they are against Christ, antichrist, 2 John 7; Colossians 2:8-10). The twelve steps are (as Mr. Wilson used them) given as an answer (a way) in which one can overcome sin (with Mr. Wilson's case, the sin of drunkenness). Jesus Christ is the ONLY answer for sin. He is the only way (John 14:6). There is only ONE "step", and that is faith in the Savior (Ephesians 2:8/Matthew 1:21/John 8:36/Romans10:13)! The above exemplifies the "twelve steps" are what are used to "become free from addictive, compulsive" behavior (i.e. sin). In other words, the twelve steps are the savior! No doubt it is deceptive, because "Biblical principles" are interwoven throughout; but if they weren't, few (if any) would be deceived. One good question to ask would be, "Where does Scripture talk about any 'twelve steps'"? The answer? Nowhere! These twelve steps come from Satan (via Bill Wilson), who is the master deceiver (Revelation 12:9). Remember, Satan used Scripture to tempt Christ (Matthew 4:6), and Balaam spoke much truth (Numbers 23-24); but he was a false prophet (2 Peter 2:15-16/Numbers 22). In Matthew 7:13-14 Jesus warned, Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it. Jesus likewise warned in Luke 13:24, Strive to enter through the narrow gate, for many, I say to you, will seek to enter and will not be able.
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
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