Saturday, April 28, 2007

I'm Grateful...

Morning ya all. Instead of funk happening, its hill billy twang. I feel really good this morning. Its 7 am and I'm out of bed and moving around. 4 hours of sleep, probably because I didn't get up yesterday till 5 pm. I am allowing to much time for that depression to sneak back up. One reason I think I feel is that I stood up for myself with my wife. We were suppose to come up with boundaries, she came up with some good ones. Me I felt the best boundary I had for her was none. She lived by my will for 17 years. She would only do what I do her to do, and when. By her working her program, and me not being good to Steve, It allowed her to walk all over me. I stopped last night. No more. I am worth it, I'm not a piece of shit like she wants to treat me. For weeks I told I her that I didn't want the kids this weekend. This was my weekend for turkey hunting down south. It was another home show for her. Well I wasn't invited turkey at her uncles since we a separated. So she assumed that I would take the kids. Thurs during an 1 1/2 hour fight I told her I wasn't taking the kids Friday night, and Sun I'm going to a trap shot, open speaker meeting Sat. Last night was the group that I really don't like meeting. Home group night. They meet twice a week in town so i thought about trying them for a home group. Coffee afterwards at Perkins. Well guess what I caved in and took the kids. the oldest is not being left alone for longer than an hour right now. So no home group coffee after the meeting last. Why, so she could stay after her home show and drink, oh they call it networking. This week I started to stand up for myself, last night when she got home and I called her, she tried again, and no I'm done with being used as a floor mat.

I screwed up before. I wasn't the best husband or father that I could be. That was yesterday. All I have is today. Today I choose to be the best father, and separated husband that I can be. Today even though she thinks other wise I'm special and loved. I'm not the piece of shit that she makes me out to be. I know that it is pain and anger talking with her, but I need not take it.

Have a great Saturday. Get out and enjoy the day.

I'm grateful for the Sunshine
I'm grateful for DMC listening to my babbling last night
I'm grateful for my HP never turning away
I'm grateful for my boys being here last night
I'm grateful for 150 days of sobriety, 5 months!!!
I'm grateful for high speed Internet
I'm grateful to be blessed with understanding blogging peeps
I'm grateful,,,God has a sense of humor,,its raining outside
I'm grateful that it is not my job to make it rain or not
I'm grateful that I have found a back bone again
I'm grateful that I did this list again without coffee yet
I'm grateful that it one more closer to see my parents
I'm grateful for the program of A.A.
I'm grateful that you don't need a passport to talk to an AA in Canada
I'm grateful for Koninia treatment center
I'm just grateful today of the air that i breath , the ground I walk on, and sky above my head.


Should of posted this earlier. Its 2 this afternoon. Everything i learned about being humble, and being patient. Went out the window this morning. My wife took of the gloves and world war started here. I wouldn't back down from wanting here to at least say thanks for watching the kids last night, and changing my plans again so she could get what she wanted. She showed up to pick them up. Told her i now have them today. Lots of words, then she thru her ring at me. The good thing is that I didn't drink. i can not control her. My son told her that it bothers him that she still drinks. Maybe hearing it from him will help.

I am grateful that She has a HP also
I am grateful that she is alive
I am grateful that I still love her, no matter what
I am grateful that there is hope for her

Thursday, April 26, 2007

We don't get to choice when

"You don't get to choose when its time to be a parent. You choose if you want to be a parent and stick with it. I will bail your ass out this time. But if you allow him back in this house. you deal with the good as well as the bad. Or don't be a parent. Just because you are now Sober Steve doesn't give you the right to show up now and be a father. you lost that right a long time ago. Now earn it back!!!!"

Some pretty strong words from my wife last night when she picked up my son. i did tell him I couldn't have anyone using around me right now. Told him that i loved him, but this is a sober house and he broke the rules again. He had to leave. that was by far the hardest thing that I have ever done. The hardest thing I ever said. The next hardest was hearing those words from my wife. I have never heard more thruth in my entire life. Today I am sober, that does not make up for the time i lost with him. Today i am being the best that I can be. that does not repair all the hurt and anger caused during my using. i can only promise that today i will be a sober father. The best sober father filled with love that I can be. I can only lead by example. in time I hope that he can forgive me for the lost ime in his life.

Last night was rough went to my AODA group meeting at five. by the time it was my turn, watch out flood gates opened. Talked about my sister, my son, and yes i talked about GOD. And how I turned my back on him during my using, but is still here for me today. Was always here. talked for 45 mins real raw emotions. I cried like i never cried before. It felt good to flush out the pain. allow new growth in my heart. With a few phone calls after group I got a crisis bed at the rehab center I went to. i went to a safe place last night. I went home in a sense. This morning I did have a whole new look on things. It was hard to do what i did, but my son has had chances, and still choice to use in my home. i didn't look the other way this time. I stood up for myself and yes him. No guilt or shame feeling this morning. Sat in a few groups and talked and talked. Had a 1-1 with a retired priest that is on staff there. He lost his job because of his drinking, he still serves God, just now in rehab instead of a church, God is everywhere. i feel great

My son is here, we are talking. It is small steps. I can't a not allow anything to effect my sobriety, but that really doesn't mean that I have to turn my back completely on him.

Thanks for the prayers, they worked. I am going to go sit and talk to my boys some more tonight. I going to hug them goodnight like they have never been hugged. As my sponsor told me tonight. I have to give them all my love today, because there is no guarantee that i will have a tomorrow.

Hugs kisses
A Lot of LOVE to you all

Steve, the one that choose to be a father during the good and bad!!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Dedicated to the one I Love

I'm going to try to get thru this post. I said for a couple of weeks that I have been in a Funk lately. So much has gone wrong in my life. Every time I feel that I can not loose anymore something else is taken away. For every step i take forward I fall three backwards. I'm not sure how much sense I'm even making right now. Last night i wrote a pretty dark blog post. Wrote another one later trying to get to the root of my problem lately. I have lost so much to this DZ that I am willing to go out and start drinking again. Why. Cunning baffling powerful. Yes its all that, but I just want to forget. Forget the hurt the pain, the misery.

Here's what I have figured out last night. My pain started all over again a couple of weeks ago. Friday the 13th. No its not an old wives tale. It is a day that Satan rules my family. I left the back door open and Satan appeared in my heart, and is making residents there again. My older sister Sandy was born on Friday the 13th. At age 7 was diagnosed with leukemia on Friday the 13th. Died on a Friday the 11th. There are more things that happened to her and my parents on those Fridays, but you get the drift. For years my mom never went anywhere on that day. Wouldn't travel, drive work. For years I never understood. When i started to understand all I could feel was pain and anger. I was 2 years old the only memory I have is carrying soup upstairs to her, and yes spilled it all over her. My mom was pregnant with my little sister at the time. Needless to say she is spoiled.

For years once I grew older my anger grew deeper. How could this god take my my sister. cause this hurt, take a child in her youth. i brought this up in fourth step 37 years of resentment. It hasn't helped. The hate and anger is still there. It is hard for me to pray without resentment . Still find myself asking why,,,why,,why. She was taken before i even got a chance to know her. For years I promised myself my first daughter was to be named after her. Sandra Lynn. Well that god of mine didn't like that plan, he gave me two beautiful boys that I wouldn't trade for the world. So today all i have is hate and anger again. Friday the 13th in April her Birthday.

Funny my boss called me in to talk to him on that day. i thought maybe I was going to get my job back. My brother asked why I didn't wait till Monday to go. Well no job back, and they are fighting my unemployment. Caulk up to another loss to Friday 13th. i know that life is still life sober, and i will have bad days. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm just tired now, tired of fighting everything. Fighting to save myself, wife, kids.

Thats the next issue. In rehab the stressed the point to stay away from using people friends, and even family. My soberity most come first at any cost. This weighs heavy on my heart. My wife still drinks, but not that much anymore. The killer is my son. he traded his ADHD meds for some pot again. At 11pm i went into his room and he was stoned. I told him when he got caught smoking pot on our trip to Chicago that I couldn't have that around me. This was to be a sober house. So now tonight I have to tell him that I love him but he can not live here anymore. Its not fair that I get myself back for this family now i have to turn my back on him. I'm not sure i can do this. I Stopped and bought a bottle the other day to give me strength. How stupid is that.

So Sandy i know that you look over me, watch over my family. please help, not for me I have wasted my entire life, he is still young. Please help him go over and grab God and help this young man. Turn him around so he does not follow down my path. Give me strength to stand strong tonight. help me for another 24 hours.

Hugs and Kisses
your little brother

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Just hanging ON

This is how I have been feeling the last couple of weeks. Just hanging on. But I am hanging on though. This is a skyscraper in Chicago he is up about 70 floors. I have been working on a couple of issues lately. Once I get them figured out I will be back, I need to work through them on my own without blogging. Its not that I don't want you all to know, but i need to figure this out on my own first, before throwing you some ideas.

I have been posting and deleting trying to get to the root of the problem. Part of the problem is that I went and stopped and bought a bottle the other night. I was ready to do the stupidest thing I could. The problem isn't about my wife either, thats doesn't help things, but its much deeper than her. I know that there is nothing that drinking will make better. I'm learning. I did pick up that phone today and it helped. Needed a meeting today though. missed two of them. Going to stop by the treatment center tomorrow.


Hugs and kisses


Monday, April 23, 2007

I should be picking up the phone or going to a meeting. I'm in that funk mood again. I had a great weekend. Didn't get everything done that I wanted to, but thats ok. Room is really starting to look good. ...

I'm not sure if I want this anymore. Sobriety that is. I know that if I start drinking again i know where I will be. Last night I caught the tail end of Bruce Almighty, where he lost his girlfriend and was talking to god. God told him to pray to really pray for what he wanted. It sounded so much like me praying for my wife. "All I want is for her to be happy, for years she has stood by my side as I turned my back on her. She has waited so long for me to return, that all she can feel is pain. God all I ask for is that she is happy, and if that means it is without me, let it be. I Love her that much, that her happiness is all that is important to me" well that might not be exactly how it was said in the movie, but sure is what I say. My oldest son came out when that part was on and saw me crying gave me a pat on the shoulder and said its ok. For him and I that was huge. All I want is happiness again.

I LOVE HER and hate myself, and I think drinking will solve that. It will surely make me loose any progress that I have made in my life. I know that this will pass, have faith. I do. I need to get out of the house and do something. I'm really bummed that I cannot go turkey hunting this week. Since we are separated I'm not invited down by her uncle to hunt this week, it hurts, not even invited to brothers son first communion this weekend either. Her parents didn't even give me a B-day card. there i go BO-who, poor Steve. I just feel like crap today. Part of it is painting. I always go sick whenever we painted. My wife would blame it on how much I drank, combined with the fumes. Well guess what, no beer last yesterday, and i was still sick. Its the paint. Well it helped to vent today. I need to finish my room, curtains got here today, couple of walls left to paint, and carpet to go down. My wife stopped and saw it yesterday, was she shocked loved the color on the back wall behind the bed She says barn red I call cranberry the other walls are off white, the curtains on the opposite match the red color. I just wish that her stuff could go back up in here when I put the room together again. enough of that.

God thank you for another 24 hours and please give me the strength to resit today.

Thursday, April 19, 2007


Progress for Today, so maybe I did set a goal for me today. No blogging till I cleaned my room and cleared of the bed. Its a king size bed, there was just enough room for me to lie down if I rolled I rolled off. I guess it was my way to be safe, so I didn't realize that I was there alone. I have been busy until yesterday 19 days, 21 meetings. I blew one off last night to go to a meeting with my father-in-law about improving hunting lands. Slept in this morning and missed another, but i am working on Steve. Doing things for Steve. Saying things to my wife about my feelings that piss her off, but i can't just sit back and get walked on any more. Progress!!!
The picture is me getting sworn in at the town hall after winning the election for town board supervisor. My youngest son, who looks thrilled, is holding my new bible that I got while in rehab. "I Steven P. Gr..... do swear to support and defend the Constitution of the United States and the State of Wisconsin...." WOW talk about Progress. Campaigned from

I ordered curtains for two rooms, and ordered carpeting for the master bedroom. finished putting trim up in the sun-room and finished the Living room. Called a friend up and invited her and her kids and neighbor (who is an interior decorator) to take a road trip this weekend and give me some ideas, or else there will be dead animals on every wall. lol. I'm a big hunter and fisherman. It one o'clock and I'm almost done with cleaning and laundry. Progress!!! I sat in the hot tub last night and relaxed. looks up at the stars through the sky lights and was amazed on how little we really are. sat there for a reflected on the person I want to be. The person that I am turning into right before your eyes. I feel great about this person. Not only did I loose the alcohol induced person, but he took just about 55 pounds with him. I need all new clothes, since they are falling off me. Progress!!!!!

Tonight when my boys get here I'm taking them to Rhinelander shopping about 30 miles away. I would never leave so late in the day before. Because I would of had to much to drink by 4 pm to drive that far, shop and come home again. I am going shopping for clothes for them, not me,,progress!!!!!!

I am going to another resume' writing class in the morning to tweak the final copy to send out. Although I love to blog and chat to all of you, it doesn't pay rather well. I will be careful though about doing to much to soon. Steve does come first. Progress again.

So if any of you are bored this weekend, feel free to drop on by. I have plenty of paint brushes and things to do. Sorry this all about Steve so not pink rooms or "pretty" curtains. And not all of my dead animals are going downstairs to the Basement. Progress I said that some could,,,lol!!

Hugs and Kisses

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

What time is it.

Good Morning. It's 7:45 and I'm out of bed, showered and shaved. Morning cup of coffee. Still have daily mediation to do, but I'm up and moving. I had a great evening yesterday. i will stop back and update you all later. It was some 12 step work of sorts. An AODA forum about teenage alcohol and cig. use in the community. And what could the community do to stop or curb it. As an addict I brought some great ideas out. An Irish friend of Bills said she lives for service. I see why. Goto run for now, will post later. Going to a resume writing class at the job center this morning

Ok I'm Back in more ways than one. I have been in a funk the last couple of days. So much happening in my world I just couldn't put my finger on it. This song means so much to me. "God is Great, and sometimes life is not good... You can love a person with all your heart for all the right reasons, and they can choose to walk away. Love them anyways" That is two fold for me, i love my wife with all my heart, and it just tears me apart to know the "what if's". All I can really do is to love her anyways. For years it seemed like there was no reason for God to love. So many things I have wronged him. Sinned against him and his word. But still he loved me anyways, no matter what I did. His out stretched hands were never pulled away. I may have pulled away, but he never withdraw his love.

I have for the last couple of days been living on that pity pot. Not blogging. Feeling like all I was doing is whining and spreading disappear instead of the message of AA. That there is hope and things will and do get better. They do and I know that. I'm living that today I was living that yesterday I just choose not to believe it. I didn't drink. Sometimes that is all the hope I should need, not some big miracle. I didn't drink todAAy. Its been 140 24 hours now, I am proud of that. What a message is that.

Ellie sent me some Bible passages. The funny thing is that before rehab i didn't even own a bible. I never knew how to find things in it. The only bible versus I could remember was the 23 Psalm. I wanted that at my funeral. Several months ago, I tried to say it as I was attempting suicide I couldn't remember the words, couldn't find a bible in my hospitals room, found one later. So now I know what and how to look things up in the bible, gone to a bible study class. Pray, still not as much as I should, but its progress not perfection. I know that even thinking about suicide is a sin, never less the outcome.

God does have more in store for me, more to be reviled later. Maybe last night when I introduced myself to a crowd of local lawyers, doctors, police, AODA, church leaders and other concerned parents that "My name is Steve and I'm an Alcoholic, and I'm here in hopes that the teens in our community especially my boys will not follow the path I traveled down." It wasn't that hard to say in front of 50 plus people, most of them not addicts. So maybe that was one reason why I'm still here today. there are so many, I know one big reason is my boys, and no matter what I will always be their father, and todAAy I'm a sober father.

I sing...I dream... I love...Anyways....
Hugs and kisses

Monday, April 16, 2007


I'm really not sure if I know what the next right thing is anymore. Go to meeting and don't drink. I know that I'm just a little pup walking this journey, and I know that it is a journey, but how come I feel that I walk three steps and fall backwards six steps. I got an email from a friend yesterday saying that now is the time to focus on Steve. I read into it even more they are the same words that my counselor said. Let go of my marriage spend this time to get to know Steve. He scares me. What if I don't like what I see. I'm not sure why i couldn't even get out of bed this morning.

Well 24 hours now. Its 10:30 I just got out of bed again. My mom called worrying that she hasn't heard from me in a few days. I did get dressed yesterday and went to a meeting, and yes I felt better. I'm working on so many things. Ellie sent me a email with all kinds of encouragement. She is right It is time to discover Steve. I'm sitting here just crying now. I just turned 40 and now I'm saying I need to go find myself. I'm in so much denial that it hurts, it kills. I have a king size bed, there is so much shit pilled up on it that there is just enough room for me to lie on the edge of the bed. I don't want to clean it because I will remember how big it is and how alone I am. The last couple of days I haven't been asking God for another 24 hours, just asking him for the next hour.

My gratitude list the other day really lifted me, how easy was it to make that list. The sun is shinning, the birds chirping. That's part of My pain, I see a bird fly bye and think about my wife, and her poem. She gave me another quote the other day.

God loved the birds and invented trees.
Man loved the birds and invented cages.
Jacques Deval

How long I kept her that cage. Now she is flying free of my grasp, and doesn't want to return. even if I through away that cage. She is convinced that I can not change. I feel like that poem could be any of us. It also makes me think about what alcohol did to me. Kept me locked in. I'm trying to get out, but I'm scared that the door might be slammed shut on me. I know that I made my bed and now I must sleep on it. That's why I can't clean it off. I'm so full of pain today. I know what to do, but why can't I pick up that phone, call. I'm afraid, afraid of being hurt again. I just want to be me, alone, and unworthy of any ones love.

"I'll be there, when no one is around I'll be the rock you lean on" That song was just playing on the radio. I know that God is there for me. You are all here for me, but I still feel that I can do this on my own.

I'm not drinking and my life is getting better. I need to trust the process. Yes it is a process. I think about all the lectures I heard in treatment, that word was said a lot "process" Well it is. I need to get off my ass and trust the process. Thinks may be rough now, but the crap I'm walking thru now is the crap i put my family thru during my using days. I will make it out of this crap, and will be stronger. Now I just need to believe this.

Hugs and kisses

Saturday, April 14, 2007

How it Works

Well we are told that " Rarely have we seen a person fail who has not thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who can not or will not completely give themselves to this simple program....."

I had a greAAt meeting last night. The meeting that I hate going to. they are really overbearing about that their group is the only group that can save me. If I do not choose them as a home group I will fail. i leave that part at the tables I go for me. So back to the meeting. Even though they are not my home group they see me twice a week. they even said, Steve you are doing great. Keep working the steps, and just don't think. Keep it simple. So This morning that is what I'm going to do.

Today I'm grateful that my kids are coming over to spend the day with me.

I'm greatful that my HP let the sunshine
I'm greatful for another 24 hours
I'm greatful for the understanding of my x-boss'
I'm greatful that it is another 24 hours closer to seeing my parents come home from FL
I'm greatful My rehab "classmates"
I'm greatful that my dog is still alive
I'm great ful that Dell had a sale on PC's
I'm greatful that I can give myself to this simple program
I'm gretful for my blogging peeps
I'm greatful to reach out and talk to sober friends
I'm greatful to Lush for keeping me sober
I'm greatful to my sponsor, for not taking my controlling shi*
I'm greatful for life todAAy.

Keep it Simple stupid, Thats you Steve.

Have a great Saturday. I will no matter what.

Love ya all
Hugs and Kisses

Oh I'm greatful that coffee is done!!!!!!!

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

You Are Doing Great Steve

Where do I start about this weekend. First Thanks to my Higher Power I'm still 130 sober. I wasn't sure about going to Chicago at all last weekend. I didn't think I was ready. I'm not second guessing things, but I sure was tested. On Thursday Morning I went to AA meeting. I was already looking at meeting In Chic on the web before I left for the meeting. I called my mom in FL to try to find a road in the town I grew up in. No luck. Well At this meeting my HP put someone next to me that did. This was my first time at this meeting. Her first time back in a long time. Well it turned out that this street I was looking for in Chicago is one of her home groups. 6;30 am everyday of the week. They had 7 meeting there a day! Wow. ok I would be ok. Waited for the kids to get home from School then left. Got down there about 10;30pm. My friend an old girl friend from JR. High, ok my first love. Was bolwing, her husband was home with their kids. She got home from bowling just plastered (hope she doesn't read this one). Her kids where home from college playing beer pong. the basement just stunk of beer. I wanted to run and hide so bad. Made it Thur Thurs. Another 24 hours.

So Friday Now. Yep I sleep in, missed that 6:30 meeting. Went shopping with my friend, they where having about 25 people over on Easter. Made it thru the grocery Store. Going to the front she was walking straight into the "FORBEN ZONE" So i waited as she got the booze for the weekend. I do have to say it was nice not to have to stop at a gas station Thurs night to pick up beer before I went to their house. The kids played great all day. Even couch slug teenager was outside. I tried to skateboard on some ramp in the back yard. Not smart to do after surgery. Thanks HP for only bruising my ego. I went to a meeting Friday after. I left about 90 Min's early, had to get out of the house. It was at a church in the next town. It was stations of the cross. so I sat there until it was time for the meeting. Had a great meeting. They asked if I needed a meeting list said no of course I still think I can do this by myself all the time. During my sharing the tears Begin to flow when I talked about first holiday without my wife, being alone, watching kids drink. Just seeing all that BOOZE. They past a meeting list around the table. It got back around to me with about 20 numbers of men in the area to talk to if I needed. Cool. Well Friday night. I went out to a bar with my friend and their neighbors. One of them played in the band. I was feeling pretty good, maybe to good. I never wanted a drink, but i did think about getting an odouls or something. Finally after an hour of throwing a pity party for myself that I couldn't drink. I got dragged out on the dance floor. Yes I thought I couldn't dance sober. Well I did, and I think I did pretty good. I danced a lot after that. It took sometime to get me out of my shell but then I felt great. I was so looking forward to closing a bar, SOBER. But we had a promise M. promised we could leave if I needed to escape. Well she neeeded it, she was tired, that wimp. Had a Blast Sober, no using thoughts either!!!

Saturday. Up bright and early at 8 am lol. Yes no meeting again. Got the kids going and left to go play tourist in downtown Chicago. I grew up in the Northwest Suburbs of Chicago, but never really went downtown. Went to the Sears Tower..Cloudy day but could see 15-20 miles. It was neat to look out over the lake, and towards the burbs. Saw Solider Field, and Comisky park, ok whatever it is called this year. GO SOX. After the tower we went to lunch. Chicago style stuffed Pizza....melt in your mouth. We talked about doing the 2 hour trolley ride around the city but it was already 2 pm. Kids getting tired and crabby, epically the teenager. It was only 30 and windy so we left and went to my Grandmother house. Had a great visit with her. Went to Red Lobster for dinner. Stayed at Grams Sat night. My brother and his two kids came over Sun morning and we did brunch. Great Visit. Drove back up to the north side. Stopped at my other Bro's house. his son was still at his moms, so we didn't stay long. By now it was 5pm went back to my friends house again. dinner was at 3 there. Figured dinner would be done, and maybe some of the house cleared out. NO such luck. We got there and almost everybody was downstairs playing beer pong. I stayed upstairs and watched golf, no not my choice. After about 3 hours I found myself downstairs watching this game of pong, thinking about getting some Odouls and I would play. Thought to myself, Get the hell out of here NOW. So I went upstairs and grabbed a soda from the frig, it was all sticky, so I reached in and grabbed 2 more. Jumped in the truck and drove, fast. The two I grabbed would hold me over till I got in town. I grabbed beer. Ice cold. Driving now mind you, opened one up. Thought of that balancing scale. Beer on one side, my sobriety, family, life and love on the other. That Beer went flying out the window. I Drove and Drove. Found a Starbucks. Went in the girl asked what I wanted. "I just want f**ing coffee, why can't you just that.... I'm sorry I shouldn't take this out on you. you had nothing to do about why I'm upset, sorry" She looked at me "Why don't you go sit down and I will bring something out to you in a minute." She brought me a La tee' out and smiled and said Happy Easter things will get better if you let them. I grabbed my cell phone and started to call friends sponsor, other blogger, my wife, but all these people are where, elsewhere how safe to call them, all they could do is talk. I reached in my pocket and grabbed that list. Called and called...8 people no one home. Maybe there is a meeting tonight. going thru the list I didn't know where some of these towns where. I found a meeting on Rte 25 in the town that I was in. Asked the girl how far it was away. she said a few miles down to the north. Grabbed my "coffee" and ran, meeting started in 12 mins. Made it to a meeting on Easter in a town that i never knew, in a church that I never visited. I made it. I shared, and shared, not just the pain of the weekend but the joys of being sober, Having a snowball fight in my grandma front yard with my brother and kids with snow that was still in the bed of my truck from Wisconsin. My grandmother seeing me sober for the first time in over 20 years. My nieces and nephew seeing me sober for the first time. My kids having a great weekend with me, never raising my voice, or screaming. Just being a DAD. Being who I always wanted to be. Because I do have to watch what I do, because they do want to watch and be just like me.

So Steve you where tempted with alcohol all weekend and didn't drink...Steve you are doing ok. in fact you are Great

Monday, April 9, 2007


I will post later. I had a greAAt trip To the windy city. Made meetings, had fun dancing in a bar sober. Friday did the tourist things Sears tower, stuffed chicago style pizza. walked around downtown. Spent Saturday with My Grandmother and kids. had a Blast. Will catch you up to date about the stupid things I did, yes like going to a bar this young in recovery, and watching college kids play beer pong. Most of my family, ok everybody I saw this was the first time they saw Sober Steve in over 20 years. My Grandmother cried when she saw me. in her eighties now, at least she saw me sober before,,,

I knew I lost weight put looking at this pic, holy cow where did I go? Lost over 50 pounds. One more good thing about me stopping drinking.
Gotta run for now. Have to do my hair. Oh as you can see that shouldn't take long. Tonight I get sworn into office for the town board. i will have to google this later, but I most be the first person to ever get elected to a public office while campining from Rehab. i was released 3 days before the election. One more drunk politican, But this one is a sober drunk.

Hugs and Kisses

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Why I'm Afraid to let you see me!!!!!

I have Scott's blog playing in the back-background. Beautiful is playing. I feel the exact opposite and have felt this way for years. Words do bring me down daily. I'm trying to find the positive in something, and just for the moment. I can do a gratitude list but it's only at the surface. ALL my counselors keep on asking to see the real Steve hiding behind this mask. This post is going to a different direction than what i thought about this morning. I just need to find myself I can't even say today i really don't know who I really am. So let me introduce myself to you, what i know.

*My name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic
*my wife moved out to save herself from my DZ
*My kids love me even though I haven't been in their lives for years
*My family and in-laws support me in my recovery
*I'm a perfect asshole after surgery
*I'm unemployed as a result of my DZ
*I have a great support system of sober bloggers and fellow aa's
*I'm ashamed to be an Alcoholic!
*I'm Ashamed of the all the things I did during my self-destruction
*I'm in relapse with-out even knowing.
*I hate myself and this DZ
*I hurt,,,hurt,,hurt

So that's what i will let you see. But what is behind that mask I'm wearing today. Why won't I really let you see me. Because I'm afraid that you won't like what you see. I have for years tried being something that i wasn't. I am weak scared and afraid that I won't like what I see behind the mask that I'm wearing. So let me tell you this. there I go controlling again. I wish that I really could take a time out from life. really figure out who I am. 45 days in rehab only started it. Know is the time to open up and let everybody in. Maybe on at time. But I need to get honest with myself at whatever what price. I already lost my soul to Satin, but God will still have have me, For he sees the real Steve underneath all the layers of shame and pain and hurt.

My sponsor finally called back, He was working nights last week. He knew something was wrong when I called him 3 times yesterday. I used his line "Take the cotton out of your ears and shove it down your mouth, and get the *uck to a meeting". His thoughts are that if the cotton is in the ear I'm not listening to what he is saying.

He told me that I'm doing OK. in fact I'm doing great. I just don't believe it, and he jumped all over me for that. He repeated all the events of this last week to me, and said 3 times your wife and kids left the house yesterday, you were sitting there in the home that your family built, the stories and memories that at can be told from the kitchen table, bedroom or living room, about life events. And you didn't drink. "You are going to be OK Steve, in Fact you are Great!"

you all are right, I'm OK. I have to remember this is a not a race.

So I need to turn the above list around and make it gratitude's. I CAN NOT LET WORDS BRING ME DOWN< CAN'T BRING ME DOWN TODAY.

My Sponsor told me to go do something exstrodany before lunch, Something I would never do. So I will. Thanks everyone for your support. time is running, and I missed enough of my life already, time to rediscover the world.

Hugs and Kisses

Monday, April 2, 2007

Walking on Eggshells again.

Todays readings When I uncovered my need for approval in the 4th step, I didn't think it should rank as a character defect. I wanted to think of it more as as asset. it was quickly pointed out to me that this need can be very crippling...

This whole reading is about me now and before. Right now I am suppose be be writing up a list of boundaries to talk about with my wife at counseling tonight. Instead I'm staling once again. I'm afraid to hurt her feelings. I'm putting her and my kids first. This is so hard. All I really want is to make everyone happy, but Steve will suffer again. This is why I haven't gone to a meeting, picked up the phone or prayed. I'm scared to death what I might hear. I have been in so much pain the last couple of days from surgery that I really don't care about sobriety anymore. I don't care about myself anymore I just don't care period. I talk myself into some pride and tell myself I am stronger than that. I really do not want to return to the way I was. The way I was made me loose my wife, my job, my health, and myself. I am holding onto this house by the skin of my teeth, my kids are the only thing keeping me going. They are my inspiration for waking daily and the inspiration not to pick up. I found some pot in my sons room this morning. I wasn't made at him ,but happy. I could get rid of this for him so he couldn't use, but at what price. The price of my sobriety 4 months, four months of some of the most earth changes discoveries in myself, but I was still willing to trow it away for what. So I could be happy with myself, so others would like me. How sick is that.

Everyone is pushing me to get a job, go out and work. I just want to let the dust settle on my life. I want to know what is next. See there I go again, trying to run the show. Give it up Steve, let someone else have that control like your HP. I feel like I am a hangnail away from relapse. But the good thing is that I feel it, I can stop it. I need to do things that make Steve happy and not worry about the others around me. The last couple of weekends I have tried to get my wife to go away with the kids and I for a weekend somewhere to have fun as a family. The boys are really taking this hard, not saying much to her, but to myself and said some things to my brother when he was here. It is very important to me to make everyone happy. My wife wants no part of that, a weekend of fun as a family. I know she is still hurting, but I feel the family should come before personal programs. Why I spent weeks in rehab learning about it is all about ME. I guess that I feel that I hurt them so bad, I need to start making things up to them. But I must be sober First and happy with myself. I know everyone is saying give it time. trust your HP. enjoy the little things, live in today only. So many more phrases. I just want to be happy again.

Wow my fingers came alive there for awhile. I got way off the topic that I started, or maybe not. I only wish that I could stop wishing for things to change. I only want,,,,,I only want everything...I know that with time and trust in my HP. I will get whatever I need. I just have to let him in and not take back that control. I really need to pick up that 500 pound phone and call. Track my sponsor down, call,,call,,,call.

Someone once asked if I was using this blog in place of meeting, I said no. Right now I feel that I did this weekend because i couldn't leave the house, but I feel that this blog and reading all of your didn't replace a meeting but saved me from a relapse. I'm scared of what the future holds, but who isn't. So I'm going to grab my big book and head to my sun room and watch the miracle of rain, and pray again, not for anything, just pray, he will let me know what I need.

Hugs and Kisses