Saturday, April 28, 2007
I screwed up before. I wasn't the best husband or father that I could be. That was yesterday. All I have is today. Today I choose to be the best father, and separated husband that I can be. Today even though she thinks other wise I'm special and loved. I'm not the piece of shit that she makes me out to be. I know that it is pain and anger talking with her, but I need not take it.
Have a great Saturday. Get out and enjoy the day.
I'm grateful for the Sunshine
I'm grateful for DMC listening to my babbling last night
I'm grateful for my HP never turning away
I'm grateful for my boys being here last night
I'm grateful for 150 days of sobriety, 5 months!!!
I'm grateful for high speed Internet
I'm grateful to be blessed with understanding blogging peeps
I'm grateful,,,God has a sense of humor,,its raining outside
I'm grateful that it is not my job to make it rain or not
I'm grateful that I have found a back bone again
I'm grateful that I did this list again without coffee yet
I'm grateful that it one more closer to see my parents
I'm grateful for the program of A.A.
I'm grateful that you don't need a passport to talk to an AA in Canada
I'm grateful for Koninia treatment center
I'm just grateful today of the air that i breath , the ground I walk on, and sky above my head.
Should of posted this earlier. Its 2 this afternoon. Everything i learned about being humble, and being patient. Went out the window this morning. My wife took of the gloves and world war started here. I wouldn't back down from wanting here to at least say thanks for watching the kids last night, and changing my plans again so she could get what she wanted. She showed up to pick them up. Told her i now have them today. Lots of words, then she thru her ring at me. The good thing is that I didn't drink. i can not control her. My son told her that it bothers him that she still drinks. Maybe hearing it from him will help.
I am grateful that She has a HP also
I am grateful that she is alive
I am grateful that I still love her, no matter what
I am grateful that there is hope for her
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Some pretty strong words from my wife last night when she picked up my son. i did tell him I couldn't have anyone using around me right now. Told him that i loved him, but this is a sober house and he broke the rules again. He had to leave. that was by far the hardest thing that I have ever done. The hardest thing I ever said. The next hardest was hearing those words from my wife. I have never heard more thruth in my entire life. Today I am sober, that does not make up for the time i lost with him. Today i am being the best that I can be. that does not repair all the hurt and anger caused during my using. i can only promise that today i will be a sober father. The best sober father filled with love that I can be. I can only lead by example. in time I hope that he can forgive me for the lost ime in his life.
Last night was rough went to my AODA group meeting at five. by the time it was my turn, watch out flood gates opened. Talked about my sister, my son, and yes i talked about GOD. And how I turned my back on him during my using, but is still here for me today. Was always here. talked for 45 mins real raw emotions. I cried like i never cried before. It felt good to flush out the pain. allow new growth in my heart. With a few phone calls after group I got a crisis bed at the rehab center I went to. i went to a safe place last night. I went home in a sense. This morning I did have a whole new look on things. It was hard to do what i did, but my son has had chances, and still choice to use in my home. i didn't look the other way this time. I stood up for myself and yes him. No guilt or shame feeling this morning. Sat in a few groups and talked and talked. Had a 1-1 with a retired priest that is on staff there. He lost his job because of his drinking, he still serves God, just now in rehab instead of a church, God is everywhere. i feel great
My son is here, we are talking. It is small steps. I can't a not allow anything to effect my sobriety, but that really doesn't mean that I have to turn my back completely on him.
Thanks for the prayers, they worked. I am going to go sit and talk to my boys some more tonight. I going to hug them goodnight like they have never been hugged. As my sponsor told me tonight. I have to give them all my love today, because there is no guarantee that i will have a tomorrow.
A Lot of LOVE to you all
Steve, the one that choose to be a father during the good and bad!!
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Here's what I have figured out last night. My pain started all over again a couple of weeks ago. Friday the 13th. No its not an old wives tale. It is a day that Satan rules my family. I left the back door open and Satan appeared in my heart, and is making residents there again. My older sister Sandy was born on Friday the 13th. At age 7 was diagnosed with leukemia on Friday the 13th. Died on a Friday the 11th. There are more things that happened to her and my parents on those Fridays, but you get the drift. For years my mom never went anywhere on that day. Wouldn't travel, drive work. For years I never understood. When i started to understand all I could feel was pain and anger. I was 2 years old the only memory I have is carrying soup upstairs to her, and yes spilled it all over her. My mom was pregnant with my little sister at the time. Needless to say she is spoiled.
For years once I grew older my anger grew deeper. How could this god take my my sister. cause this hurt, take a child in her youth. i brought this up in fourth step 37 years of resentment. It hasn't helped. The hate and anger is still there. It is hard for me to pray without resentment . Still find myself asking why,,,why,,why. She was taken before i even got a chance to know her. For years I promised myself my first daughter was to be named after her. Sandra Lynn. Well that god of mine didn't like that plan, he gave me two beautiful boys that I wouldn't trade for the world. So today all i have is hate and anger again. Friday the 13th in April her Birthday.
Funny my boss called me in to talk to him on that day. i thought maybe I was going to get my job back. My brother asked why I didn't wait till Monday to go. Well no job back, and they are fighting my unemployment. Caulk up to another loss to Friday 13th. i know that life is still life sober, and i will have bad days. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm just tired now, tired of fighting everything. Fighting to save myself, wife, kids.
Thats the next issue. In rehab the stressed the point to stay away from using people friends, and even family. My soberity most come first at any cost. This weighs heavy on my heart. My wife still drinks, but not that much anymore. The killer is my son. he traded his ADHD meds for some pot again. At 11pm i went into his room and he was stoned. I told him when he got caught smoking pot on our trip to Chicago that I couldn't have that around me. This was to be a sober house. So now tonight I have to tell him that I love him but he can not live here anymore. Its not fair that I get myself back for this family now i have to turn my back on him. I'm not sure i can do this. I Stopped and bought a bottle the other day to give me strength. How stupid is that.
So Sandy i know that you look over me, watch over my family. please help, not for me I have wasted my entire life, he is still young. Please help him go over and grab God and help this young man. Turn him around so he does not follow down my path. Give me strength to stand strong tonight. help me for another 24 hours.
Hugs and Kisses
your little brother
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
This is how I have been feeling the last couple of weeks. Just hanging on. But I am hanging on though. This is a skyscraper in Chicago he is up about 70 floors. I have been working on a couple of issues lately. Once I get them figured out I will be back, I need to work through them on my own without blogging. Its not that I don't want you all to know, but i need to figure this out on my own first, before throwing you some ideas.
I have been posting and deleting trying to get to the root of the problem. Part of the problem is that I went and stopped and bought a bottle the other night. I was ready to do the stupidest thing I could. The problem isn't about my wife either, thats doesn't help things, but its much deeper than her. I know that there is nothing that drinking will make better. I'm learning. I did pick up that phone today and it helped. Needed a meeting today though. missed two of them. Going to stop by the treatment center tomorrow.
Hugs and kisses
Monday, April 23, 2007
I'm not sure if I want this anymore. Sobriety that is. I know that if I start drinking again i know where I will be. Last night I caught the tail end of Bruce Almighty, where he lost his girlfriend and was talking to god. God told him to pray to really pray for what he wanted. It sounded so much like me praying for my wife. "All I want is for her to be happy, for years she has stood by my side as I turned my back on her. She has waited so long for me to return, that all she can feel is pain. God all I ask for is that she is happy, and if that means it is without me, let it be. I Love her that much, that her happiness is all that is important to me" well that might not be exactly how it was said in the movie, but sure is what I say. My oldest son came out when that part was on and saw me crying gave me a pat on the shoulder and said its ok. For him and I that was huge. All I want is happiness again.
I LOVE HER and hate myself, and I think drinking will solve that. It will surely make me loose any progress that I have made in my life. I know that this will pass, have faith. I do. I need to get out of the house and do something. I'm really bummed that I cannot go turkey hunting this week. Since we are separated I'm not invited down by her uncle to hunt this week, it hurts, not even invited to brothers son first communion this weekend either. Her parents didn't even give me a B-day card. there i go BO-who, poor Steve. I just feel like crap today. Part of it is painting. I always go sick whenever we painted. My wife would blame it on how much I drank, combined with the fumes. Well guess what, no beer last yesterday, and i was still sick. Its the paint. Well it helped to vent today. I need to finish my room, curtains got here today, couple of walls left to paint, and carpet to go down. My wife stopped and saw it yesterday, was she shocked loved the color on the back wall behind the bed She says barn red I call cranberry the other walls are off white, the curtains on the opposite match the red color. I just wish that her stuff could go back up in here when I put the room together again. enough of that.
God thank you for another 24 hours and please give me the strength to resit today.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
I ordered curtains for two rooms, and ordered carpeting for the master bedroom. finished putting trim up in the sun-room and finished the Living room. Called a friend up and invited her and her kids and neighbor (who is an interior decorator) to take a road trip this weekend and give me some ideas, or else there will be dead animals on every wall. lol. I'm a big hunter and fisherman. It one o'clock and I'm almost done with cleaning and laundry. Progress!!! I sat in the hot tub last night and relaxed. looks up at the stars through the sky lights and was amazed on how little we really are. sat there for a reflected on the person I want to be. The person that I am turning into right before your eyes. I feel great about this person. Not only did I loose the alcohol induced person, but he took just about 55 pounds with him. I need all new clothes, since they are falling off me. Progress!!!!!
Tonight when my boys get here I'm taking them to Rhinelander shopping about 30 miles away. I would never leave so late in the day before. Because I would of had to much to drink by 4 pm to drive that far, shop and come home again. I am going shopping for clothes for them, not me,,progress!!!!!!
I am going to another resume' writing class in the morning to tweak the final copy to send out. Although I love to blog and chat to all of you, it doesn't pay rather well. I will be careful though about doing to much to soon. Steve does come first. Progress again.
So if any of you are bored this weekend, feel free to drop on by. I have plenty of paint brushes and things to do. Sorry this all about Steve so not pink rooms or "pretty" curtains. And not all of my dead animals are going downstairs to the Basement. Progress I said that some could,,,lol!!
Hugs and Kisses
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Ok I'm Back in more ways than one. I have been in a funk the last couple of days. So much happening in my world I just couldn't put my finger on it. This song means so much to me. "God is Great, and sometimes life is not good... You can love a person with all your heart for all the right reasons, and they can choose to walk away. Love them anyways" That is two fold for me, i love my wife with all my heart, and it just tears me apart to know the "what if's". All I can really do is to love her anyways. For years it seemed like there was no reason for God to love. So many things I have wronged him. Sinned against him and his word. But still he loved me anyways, no matter what I did. His out stretched hands were never pulled away. I may have pulled away, but he never withdraw his love.
I have for the last couple of days been living on that pity pot. Not blogging. Feeling like all I was doing is whining and spreading disappear instead of the message of AA. That there is hope and things will and do get better. They do and I know that. I'm living that today I was living that yesterday I just choose not to believe it. I didn't drink. Sometimes that is all the hope I should need, not some big miracle. I didn't drink todAAy. Its been 140 24 hours now, I am proud of that. What a message is that.
Ellie sent me some Bible passages. The funny thing is that before rehab i didn't even own a bible. I never knew how to find things in it. The only bible versus I could remember was the 23 Psalm. I wanted that at my funeral. Several months ago, I tried to say it as I was attempting suicide I couldn't remember the words, couldn't find a bible in my hospitals room, found one later. So now I know what and how to look things up in the bible, gone to a bible study class. Pray, still not as much as I should, but its progress not perfection. I know that even thinking about suicide is a sin, never less the outcome.
God does have more in store for me, more to be reviled later. Maybe last night when I introduced myself to a crowd of local lawyers, doctors, police, AODA, church leaders and other concerned parents that "My name is Steve and I'm an Alcoholic, and I'm here in hopes that the teens in our community especially my boys will not follow the path I traveled down." It wasn't that hard to say in front of 50 plus people, most of them not addicts. So maybe that was one reason why I'm still here today. there are so many, I know one big reason is my boys, and no matter what I will always be their father, and todAAy I'm a sober father.
I sing...I dream... I love...Anyways....
Hugs and kisses
Monday, April 16, 2007
Well 24 hours now. Its 10:30 I just got out of bed again. My mom called worrying that she hasn't heard from me in a few days. I did get dressed yesterday and went to a meeting, and yes I felt better. I'm working on so many things. Ellie sent me a email with all kinds of encouragement. She is right It is time to discover Steve. I'm sitting here just crying now. I just turned 40 and now I'm saying I need to go find myself. I'm in so much denial that it hurts, it kills. I have a king size bed, there is so much shit pilled up on it that there is just enough room for me to lie on the edge of the bed. I don't want to clean it because I will remember how big it is and how alone I am. The last couple of days I haven't been asking God for another 24 hours, just asking him for the next hour.
My gratitude list the other day really lifted me, how easy was it to make that list. The sun is shinning, the birds chirping. That's part of My pain, I see a bird fly bye and think about my wife, and her poem. She gave me another quote the other day.
God loved the birds and invented trees.
Man loved the birds and invented cages.
How long I kept her that cage. Now she is flying free of my grasp, and doesn't want to return. even if I through away that cage. She is convinced that I can not change. I feel like that poem could be any of us. It also makes me think about what alcohol did to me. Kept me locked in. I'm trying to get out, but I'm scared that the door might be slammed shut on me. I know that I made my bed and now I must sleep on it. That's why I can't clean it off. I'm so full of pain today. I know what to do, but why can't I pick up that phone, call. I'm afraid, afraid of being hurt again. I just want to be me, alone, and unworthy of any ones love.
"I'll be there, when no one is around I'll be the rock you lean on" That song was just playing on the radio. I know that God is there for me. You are all here for me, but I still feel that I can do this on my own.
I'm not drinking and my life is getting better. I need to trust the process. Yes it is a process. I think about all the lectures I heard in treatment, that word was said a lot "process" Well it is. I need to get off my ass and trust the process. Thinks may be rough now, but the crap I'm walking thru now is the crap i put my family thru during my using days. I will make it out of this crap, and will be stronger. Now I just need to believe this.
Hugs and kisses
Saturday, April 14, 2007
I had a greAAt meeting last night. The meeting that I hate going to. they are really overbearing about that their group is the only group that can save me. If I do not choose them as a home group I will fail. i leave that part at the tables I go for me. So back to the meeting. Even though they are not my home group they see me twice a week. they even said, Steve you are doing great. Keep working the steps, and just don't think. Keep it simple. So This morning that is what I'm going to do.
Today I'm grateful that my kids are coming over to spend the day with me.
I'm greatful that my HP let the sunshine
I'm greatful for another 24 hours
I'm greatful for the understanding of my x-boss'
I'm greatful that it is another 24 hours closer to seeing my parents come home from FL
I'm greatful My rehab "classmates"
I'm greatful that my dog is still alive
I'm great ful that Dell had a sale on PC's
I'm greatful that I can give myself to this simple program
I'm gretful for my blogging peeps
I'm greatful to reach out and talk to sober friends
I'm greatful to Lush for keeping me sober
I'm greatful to my sponsor, for not taking my controlling shi*
I'm greatful for life todAAy.
Keep it Simple stupid, Thats you Steve.
Have a great Saturday. I will no matter what.
Love ya all
Hugs and Kisses
Oh I'm greatful that coffee is done!!!!!!!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Monday, April 9, 2007
I knew I lost weight put looking at this pic, holy cow where did I go? Lost over 50 pounds. One more good thing about me stopping drinking.
Hugs and Kisses
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
*My name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic
*my wife moved out to save herself from my DZ
*My kids love me even though I haven't been in their lives for years
*My family and in-laws support me in my recovery
*I'm a perfect asshole after surgery
*I'm unemployed as a result of my DZ
*I have a great support system of sober bloggers and fellow aa's
*I'm ashamed to be an Alcoholic!
*I'm Ashamed of the all the things I did during my self-destruction
*I'm in relapse with-out even knowing.
*I hate myself and this DZ
So that's what i will let you see. But what is behind that mask I'm wearing today. Why won't I really let you see me. Because I'm afraid that you won't like what you see. I have for years tried being something that i wasn't. I am weak scared and afraid that I won't like what I see behind the mask that I'm wearing. So let me tell you this. there I go controlling again. I wish that I really could take a time out from life. really figure out who I am. 45 days in rehab only started it. Know is the time to open up and let everybody in. Maybe on at time. But I need to get honest with myself at whatever what price. I already lost my soul to Satin, but God will still have have me, For he sees the real Steve underneath all the layers of shame and pain and hurt.
My sponsor finally called back, He was working nights last week. He knew something was wrong when I called him 3 times yesterday. I used his line "Take the cotton out of your ears and shove it down your mouth, and get the *uck to a meeting". His thoughts are that if the cotton is in the ear I'm not listening to what he is saying.
He told me that I'm doing OK. in fact I'm doing great. I just don't believe it, and he jumped all over me for that. He repeated all the events of this last week to me, and said 3 times your wife and kids left the house yesterday, you were sitting there in the home that your family built, the stories and memories that at can be told from the kitchen table, bedroom or living room, about life events. And you didn't drink. "You are going to be OK Steve, in Fact you are Great!"
you all are right, I'm OK. I have to remember this is a not a race.
So I need to turn the above list around and make it gratitude's. I CAN NOT LET WORDS BRING ME DOWN< CAN'T BRING ME DOWN TODAY.
My Sponsor told me to go do something exstrodany before lunch, Something I would never do. So I will. Thanks everyone for your support. time is running, and I missed enough of my life already, time to rediscover the world.
Hugs and Kisses
Monday, April 2, 2007
This whole reading is about me now and before. Right now I am suppose be be writing up a list of boundaries to talk about with my wife at counseling tonight. Instead I'm staling once again. I'm afraid to hurt her feelings. I'm putting her and my kids first. This is so hard. All I really want is to make everyone happy, but Steve will suffer again. This is why I haven't gone to a meeting, picked up the phone or prayed. I'm scared to death what I might hear. I have been in so much pain the last couple of days from surgery that I really don't care about sobriety anymore. I don't care about myself anymore I just don't care period. I talk myself into some pride and tell myself I am stronger than that. I really do not want to return to the way I was. The way I was made me loose my wife, my job, my health, and myself. I am holding onto this house by the skin of my teeth, my kids are the only thing keeping me going. They are my inspiration for waking daily and the inspiration not to pick up. I found some pot in my sons room this morning. I wasn't made at him ,but happy. I could get rid of this for him so he couldn't use, but at what price. The price of my sobriety 4 months, four months of some of the most earth changes discoveries in myself, but I was still willing to trow it away for what. So I could be happy with myself, so others would like me. How sick is that.
Everyone is pushing me to get a job, go out and work. I just want to let the dust settle on my life. I want to know what is next. See there I go again, trying to run the show. Give it up Steve, let someone else have that control like your HP. I feel like I am a hangnail away from relapse. But the good thing is that I feel it, I can stop it. I need to do things that make Steve happy and not worry about the others around me. The last couple of weekends I have tried to get my wife to go away with the kids and I for a weekend somewhere to have fun as a family. The boys are really taking this hard, not saying much to her, but to myself and said some things to my brother when he was here. It is very important to me to make everyone happy. My wife wants no part of that, a weekend of fun as a family. I know she is still hurting, but I feel the family should come before personal programs. Why I spent weeks in rehab learning about it is all about ME. I guess that I feel that I hurt them so bad, I need to start making things up to them. But I must be sober First and happy with myself. I know everyone is saying give it time. trust your HP. enjoy the little things, live in today only. So many more phrases. I just want to be happy again.
Wow my fingers came alive there for awhile. I got way off the topic that I started, or maybe not. I only wish that I could stop wishing for things to change. I only want,,,,,I only want everything...I know that with time and trust in my HP. I will get whatever I need. I just have to let him in and not take back that control. I really need to pick up that 500 pound phone and call. Track my sponsor down, call,,call,,,call.
Someone once asked if I was using this blog in place of meeting, I said no. Right now I feel that I did this weekend because i couldn't leave the house, but I feel that this blog and reading all of your didn't replace a meeting but saved me from a relapse. I'm scared of what the future holds, but who isn't. So I'm going to grab my big book and head to my sun room and watch the miracle of rain, and pray again, not for anything, just pray, he will let me know what I need.
Hugs and Kisses
STEVE,,,,still SOBER STEVE