Steve,,,in charge of Alcohol

We had a dealers meeting last week at work. I work my program over and over. Just always reminding myself what happens to me when I try control the uncontrollable. Work 12-16 hour days getting ready, not my procrastination either. I wanted everything done, just because I know how I get under pressure. I had no control over the fact We were not ready for this meeting. i had to talk about programs ,,,that I never saw till the power point presentation. I did well, I did great.

On Tues it was decided that I should stop on my home to get cheese and sausage and veggie trays,ohhhh yeah,,,buy those and with a coupon get Budweiser free. Yes Send an alcoholic to get the beer.

Well I was fine, but of course I doubted myself. didn't trust myself at all. 6 Cases of Beer in my truck, 3 miles back to work, it gave me 3 miles to allow that evil twin back in. Called my old sponsor from the parking lot. It was for Work, it was what my boss asked me to do. He reminded me that there are 98% of the world population that can drink with-out getting drunk.
There are people who can have one and Stop. He reminded me again that I was not probably one of them. But suggested if I thought I was to have one and stop again. Well He baited me, not go. I knew what would happen with even the smallest sip. Of course I did fine. Almost fine, I bought Odouls and had two that night at the meeting, which is just 3 stories by itself.

Beer tastes bad to me, so don't worry. not running for the flavor. I did ok, but reminded myself what happens if you sit in the barber chair to many times. Someday you are going to get a hair cut. Gotta run for know at work running around again, short handed here and it is FLIPPING cold 16 below Zero.

Peace Hugs and Kisses

Steve

5 things

When I started in this proggram I was told at my first meeting to do five simple things:

1) Read the Big Book
2) Goto Meetings
3) Get a sponsor
4) Go to Meetings
5) Keep coming Back

I'm back IN the program. I Have a sponsor,,, I finaly have someone to hold me accountable here. I can't hide behind the fact that my "Northern" sponsor is 300 miles away. I feel so much better. I started to go to at least 3 meeting a week again. I started to walk the other way, thinking I could really do this on my own. I can't. Latley the guilt and shame and the lonelness ruled my heart. I was afraid to live again. My Uncle died right after x-mas. I was so ready to just say *uck it. I was already drunk, in my mind...A dry drunk. I didn't care about myself or my program. The only thing that keep me around the tables was the saying Fake it till you make it. I needed to do this. I needed a spark. I got that spark, I got it from all the thoughts and comments you have left in the past. It was DMC who told me to get my ass off the couch and start living again, Mr Anderson who showed concern, it was the conversions with Sober chick, it was Scott my misplaced bro in Ohio. It was all my brothers and sisters in recovery who brought me back. Oh yeah Mickey also. didn't want him to think he won and stopped me from blogging.

Today I am not ashamed of what i did in the past. I'm trying to pick up the pieces in my life and live again. Live a sober and clean life. To go thru the day and not add people to my 8th step list. Live life on lifes terms... To love again, starting with myself.

I love you all,

peace hugs and Kisses
Steve

A NEW YEAR!

With this new year, it should bring new and exciting feelings to me, but it doesn't. I have been sober for over a year, big deal. I need to start living again. I need to become one of the people that I envoy at meetings, one who laughs, not cries. One who gets called instead of one waiting for the courage to call another. One who loves, not one who misses what he loved. I haven't been to a meeting in weeks, Haven't blogged, haven't been myself. I'm not sure what I miss most. I cry alot by myself, that seems to bring me further down. My job is taking a toll on me. Long hours is the only thing that is working, I can't wollow in self pitty. I miss so much of the person I was becoming, I pulled back into my shell and can not come out. I'm afraid I afraid of hurting anyone again.

My kids and I are getting along great, The oldest doesn't fight to come see me the youngest he is just an angel sent from heaven to help me. My girlfriend ( yes I have one) supports my recovery. I just am scared to death of failing. This feeling started around my one year mark. I went and spoke at the treatment center that I went to. Told my story hoping it will make a difference to at least one person. A differnece what is that. Today I don't feel different I just feel like a sober sick person. One with no outlook on life left.

I haven't been this far down in months. Blogging use to help, going to do more of that, and surf and talk to you who are making it, making that differnece. I need to be that person again.

peace hugs and kisses
Steve

the next right thing

This time last week I was thinking and thinking and praying for guidance about doing the next right thing. And not being selfish, and putting myself first without hurting other, and most of all doing what is right.

Well being from Northern Wisconsin, Deer hunting a national holiday. My thoughts where consumed about where I was this time a year ago. I was at my bottom, reaching out for somethings, not knowing what. It was just about a year ago that I tried to kill myself during hunting. I was not sure if I was strong enough and ready to hunt. So many things changed from then. I had to find a hunting spot on public land. My son, the youngest this would be his first hunt. His grandfather, my father in law called and wanted to know where "A" was hunting. I told him that "A" wanted to hunt with me, but I knew he would see deer hunting with him. What to do...I asked my wife, if she would go to here parents that weekend and wake him up and get him off in the morning. Her father does not have to patience for that, and from past experience it turned my oldest son off from hunting because of getting yelled at about being late.

Well Last wed I decided that maybe I wasn't ready for this, and "A" would be better off hunting with his grandfather. I had no faith in myself about making it Thur without regrets and without not wanting to use. I drove 3 hours north to drop off all of his gear and gun. That way he could hunt with grandpa. I was pulling out of my parents drive when my wife called and said that "A" would be better hunting with me and she didn't want her father to torture another one of our kids. WOW. I was right. Drove back in a big snow storm. Drove all that for nothing I thought. It wasn't for nothing. My HP was trying to tell me something. Have faith in myself. He knew I could do this. He knew that connecting with my son and connecting with nature is what I needed. I was a drunk before, but not today. He wanted me to enjoy my son's FIRST opening day. And I did. We hunted all day. Laughed and joked around. smiled and do you know what I didn't regret the past.

Happy Thanksgiving...This will be My first one Sober. I might even be able to taste the food this year.

Peace hugs and Kisses
Steve

the next right thing

Lost: MY Program

I have seem to have lost the program that has been been working so good for me these last 11 months. Things are moving so fast towards that one year mark. I have already past one year with something else. It was just a year ago that my wife said this was the last argument she was going to have with me. Enough was enough. I look back and think about that night. I tried being funny, came out sideways and everything was different. If it didn't happen that night it would of been soon, and no more I'm sorries, and I;ll do better would not bring her back. So today a year later where am I? Claiming my part, trying very hard to pick up my side of the wreckage. My problem is the wreckage on the other side is from me. The reactions from her and my kids where because of me and this DZ. I know its there butt They most deal with it. Learn to heal of their own. This is the part that hurts, they are healing, and they don't want me around. My wife I understand, but my oldest hurts the most. I don't think we will ever be ok again. The other day he had a hearing with social services about his problems. I made arrangements for a conference call from Portland. I talked to him the night before, and to make a long story short. I said I wanted to be there. His words are stilling ringing in my ears. "NO!!! I don't want you there!! You have been around lately, but where have you been for the last 16 years of my life. You can't now decide to be my father now. It doesn't work that Way." I told him that I wasn't there for so long. I said the I'm sorry, and I'm here for you now, but it wasn't working. I said I want to be there for you,,,then he hung up on me.



I was lost in an IEKA store in Portland looking for candy that he wanted. I found it and bought it, it was now 9 pm. I remembered looking at a meeting list a 10 pm meeting somewhere in town. I jumped in the rent a car and drove. Driving past the bright neon signs was getting harder by the moment. I was on the phone with a girl that I have been seeing with her giving me turn by turn turn instructions from map quest,,,(to cheap for a TOM_TOM) I found the meeting. a few moments late, but there. It was a someones B-day 4 years. At this group he chairs the meeting, and calls on others to share basically about him. I didn't want that. I needed to share, I needed to be heard rushed thru my mind. It can't be about him. ITS about me today. I need you.



After the meeting I went and hugged him and introduced myself, he apologized about the bragging on going on about him. I told him that it was ok. But in my mind it wasn't. I stood outside, being an outsider trying to get into a conversion. I asked this guys sponsor how to get back towards the airport. To told me then made some small talk. He said something then just walked away. why you bastard rushed thru my mind. I walked away heading towards that car, with a mission. I went to the car getting ready for what I thought would be my last drunk. The meeting didn't help me I thought. I wanted to talk to share. Just as I started the car a lady knocked on the window, said John I think was getting me a meeting list and a phone list. I went and talked to them again. Feeling better about things, not great just better. I left and headed back to the hotel. WITH OUT Drinking.

I felt better the next morning. Respecting my sons wishes I didn't call. It wasn't about me. As I thought that night. I have grown so much in the last six months. Before I would of called, he would of been pissed off. I would of probably said something to that guy who's b-day it was. But today I don't have to. I'm so much better off. I most live in today, and not look so far ahead i will do much better.

peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

Finding myself

Its been over 11 months since I last drank anything. But why can I still lust after its tatse and desire it touch on my lips. Its because I'm an alcoholic who keeps the self talk up. This week I'm in Portland Or. I drove thru the mountains on Sun it was great. Sight seeing all the colors against the snowy mts tops. This was some thing I would never do when drinking. I would be like the est of the people here. Heading right to the bar. But for me stopping after on e or two is not possible. I I went out and explored. Looked at nature. Looked at myself who I am today. I am special and loved for whom I am today. I still might be hated by others for who I was in the past, but I still can not make them forgive me, or go back and change what I did.

So Today I sit in a Hotel alone in Orgeon. Knowing that if for any reason I would not be around tommorrow I am comforted in the fact that I did not hurt anyone Today. In fact I could consider myself lucky to make it today. This morning was a bad moring. I started it over and its OK! I didn't drink I didn't beat myself up for wanting a drink last night. Thought of what I needed to do to fix the problem. The problem is that,,,nothing..The old stinking thinking just wanted to point out that i was different,,,So what...

Gotta run... Going for a drive. A drive SOBER in this great city

Peace
hugs and Kisses
Steve

PS...If you beat yourself up, you loose the chance to do something great!!!!

"Don't even think about it!!"

HAppy Sunday to all. Last weekend I had one of the best weekends in a long time. It started out that it was a good thing that I have a program. I left work early to drive back to pick up my youngest son. It is about 3 hours back up north. She gets done with work 5, so I tried to pick a place to meet close to her. A park and ride about 45 mins south of her house. I thought it was at 51 and either A or Hwy 8. Well it was neither,. But I told her that if she got to Hwy 8 before the park and ride to wait there. Well it was further south by Hwy 86. Anyways 1 1/2 hours later she loaded mins on her cell phone and said she was at Hwy 8 and A at a wayside not 51. Ok I can't control that. It was late Friday by the time we got to Appleton. Sat Morning. We putzzed and did nothing.

Sunday Morning. The Packer Game. My boss gave me 2 tickets, well to my son a few Weeks ago on a Sat. I brought him to work, My boss asked him to put together about 100 flashlights to hand out. So he got some tickets in trade. This would be "A" first Packer Game (Yes I'm a bears Fan". We drove to the Game with the owners of the company. Had breakfast at Brett Farve steak house. Walked up and down the roads looking at the tailgaters. No thoughts of drinking. Just bringing in the flavor of all the steaks, brats, and the recking smell of beer. We went in early, he couldn't believe it. Saw Dale Enhardt JR. We were sitting there about 30 mins to kick off, no one there yet. A lady walked by adn yelled "Ice cold Beer." I stood up, what I stood up,,maybe they have N/A beer. He looked over and Said with though little baby blues. "Don't even think about it Dad!" What I wasn't thinking anything, "Liar". Ok. Made it thru the game. Afterwords My boss invited us to Bretts Steak house again for Dinner. He ordered my son Crab legs, I got ribs, they ended up buying. I sat there thinking about the what if's, what If I had that drink, I wouldn't stop. I wouldn't be sitting here talking and being social. I wouldn't have the chance to thank my son. I wouldn't have this job that I love.

So on the way home I called his mom since we were late really late. To Meet here about 1/2 way this time she was to drive 2 hours, but I felt responsible for getting him back late. On the way I looked over and thanked him and he asked for what? I told him thanks for for the kind words you said. He said you're welcome. Did he really know what I meant? I told him thank-you without you knowing it you saved me. He answered "I know" . "You know, know what?" "Dad when you stood up you wanted that drink, I knew, but you didn't need that." I started to cry he is such a great kid. A smart kid.

In a letter from my wife she told me that only two good things came out of 20years together. He was one of them. That letter hurt, it cut right to the bone. But today, I knew it is true. It was the way I was in the past. Not today. Months ago I would of tried to run back to the bottle to forget that pain. Well Not today. I hurt my family, her family, her friends, but today I walk sober, I might not have them here with me, but I pray someday I pray that they can ALL forgive me. As Far as the my wife forgiving me, Hell would freeze over first, the oldest the cubs would have to win the world series. So there is hope. As far as the my youngest he doesn't remember all the bad, but he remembers enough. I fell that he has already forgave me. As far as me really forgiving myself...It hasn't happened yet, but I get better everyday. Time to get a different song on here this is depressing,,walk a little straighter daddy.

peace hugs and kisses
Steve

Which do I choose TodAAy

Lately I am reminded of a story of something that happened in rehab. I have been sitting on this brick wall looking down on both sides of that Wall. One side is a life of sobriety, happiness, friends and family. The other side is relapse, a life filled with pain and misery. The option should be clear. The key word is should be. I work my program, someday I work it well other I start to climb down of that wall onto the relapse side. Most of the time there is a hand that reaches down and grabs me, pulls me back onto that wall. But lately I can not move down of that wall onto the sobriety side. I feel that I'm holding that door open for relapse to sneak back up. Maybe this is one of my charter flaws, not having enough faith in myself that I'm doing it. Walking this sober path.

In the morning I'm faced with the decision which way I want to move. I sit there. I could pray, read the big book, call another AA, I could just go drink, but I choose to sit there on that wall looking down at the options. I guess its better to sit there then to fall onto the relapse side. But what if the wind blows strong from the sobriety side and pushes me into the relapse side. What then. Am I strong enough alone to hold on. The answer is no. I feel that I am running on self will again. I feel into a really good group at an AA meeting. I'm doing what my last sponsor told me to do, keep coming back. I need to find a new sponsor down here, but I'm holding out. For what I don't know. Last night at a meeting someone gave the definition of "ism" as it refers to sponsorship. "I'm sponsoring Myself". That's not good. That really hit home last night.

Yesterday was a bad day, but I didn't run to the bottle, the next couple of weeks are going to be rough, I need to crawl down of that wall and surround myself with fellow AA's. With about a dozen emails yesterday my divorce is almost final.. 20 years together, we we solve it with emails. It's like just hitting delete key, BANG the 20 years of your life never existed. WOW that is harsh. I need you right now to hold me from climbing down of that wall onto the other side. I can't go there. I WILL NOT make it back.

This last weekend while packing up my up-north house I was getting pissed about what she hasn't done. My program worked for the most part. I was getting crabby and yelled at my p's. Later I said something about being crabby and hungry, and my mom said that I wasn't crabby, go back and look at what I was like a year ago, Now that was crabby. It's working if I work it. I just need to work it EVERY DAY! Every minute, every second

peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

First Off. Thanks to many to calling me out again. I need you. I need AA, and most of all I need my HP. I was out of town of the last week. I needed you, i needed AA and I needed my HP. Guess what you all where here. I could picture your words, hear your advice, and I heard your voices ringing in my ears. I was tested at every corner...

It was the National Convention for the company I work for in Chicago. My home stopping grounds. i was scared and nevourous, nothing but work,,,cocktail parties and dinners, and afterwards drinking. There were about 16 people from the the chain of stores that my boss owns, many of which I never meet yet. There 2 hours and off to the Shed Aquirium. Meet at the door with a hand shake and Champgine. I took the hand. one guy went to get drink and asked what I need Diet coke and what else. My answer without a second though ice. I went on like noithing was wrong with me. thinking that was easy. i later reminded myself of whoo I am. Some of the old habbits came back, the old Steve. i laughed, I smiled, I had fun. the kind of person that you all told me that I could be. For the first time ever I could flirt without needing courage from a drink.

the rest of the week went down hill from there. I remeber calling a my high school sweetheart who lives in chicago also. She wasn't home. Left a message " I had to walk out, I'm at the house of blues, and I almost felt like I was normal. It its been almost ten months, I could have just a few and stop." I called the numbers programmed in my phone, no answer. I looked up and prayed, please help me. I gathered myself up and walked back in. I'm not a normal drinker I can't have one and stop. Another 24 hours in the book.

Back up first night. I was at the aquitrium. Phone ring it was my wife, soon to be ex, but I still repsect her, Her words were short and harsh. "There is no easy way of saying this. A*** (the oldest) was arrested for underage driving, drinking and in possion of drugs while doing 83 without a license." I lost it. I ran for the wash room, cried, once again I blamed myself, he had followed my example. I walked back into the room. Front and center, with no line was the open bar. It was there jusst for me. NO Line the only thing that would of made it a perdect dream was a hot blonde behind the bar. I walked with a purpose to that bar, and it wasn't good. I heard your voices, your doing great, this too shall pass, it will solve nothing. I heard Lush's canadian accent, Sober chicks Calf lingo, the words that I have reaad from all of you. I still walked to that Bar, NOW with a purpose a DIET COKE. I looked up and thanked him. I walked back to the table, wondering what to do now about my son. The phone rang again. It was "L" the kid in jail wasn't my son, he just used my sons name, my son was there but not driving. I looked up again and thanked him. I'm glad that I strong enough not to take that drink, I would of wrecked my life over something that was nothing, and over something that I had no control over...

I will finsh later..I need to spend time with my love...ME..before I go thanks for being here for me today I am greatful that you have been here to guide me to this day. 300 days, in my alcoholic mind that equals 10 months!!!!

I love you allllllllllll

steve