Giving Back

Happy Thanksgiving to all the recovering peeps out there. Today I have so much to grateful for. Today although my entire family is not here with me in my new place. My oldest who has struggled with his own demons, is here, my Fiancee is here with her rat dog, my youngest was here to hunt with me all week and my parents are here in my heart.

3 Years ago today I lied in a snowbank in deer camp, praying for something, I wanted needed the pain to stop. I wasn't sure what I was praying for, or to whom. I tried to kill myself early that day, but someone had different plans for me. It has been a hard long road that I have traveled down since that day. But I did not walk it alone. At times when I could not go on, I got strength knowing that I was not alone in my journey, many of you had this desire to drink removed, and that was amazing to me. You laughed, not cried, you joked, not screamed, you loved not hated. I was told to keep keeping on, keep coming back, bring the body the soul will follow. I was told that you would love me until I could learn to myself again.

Today thru the gifts of my higher power I have a turkey in the oven in my house. I have family here that loves me now. I have true friends that I can call when feeling down. I have learned to love myself, and now I know how to love someone else for who they are, not what I want them to be.

I love each and everyone one of you, for who you are! Thanks for being part of my journey. We stand in a circle to close, knowing that we never have to stand alone again!

Peace hugs and Kisses

Steve

Home is where your story begins

Well Summer is almost over and my youngest just went back to his mothers for School. What a difference two years make. Last time I creid for hours that I was losing my kids again. Had a great summer every once and while my alcoholic thinking would take over and want to plan big expensive weekends, but someone would real me in. usually my oldest who is still living with me, not working, not going to college. He better find a job soon!!!

I'm in the process of moving. My parents and I bought 18 acres out in farm county. I moved a mobile home on it, along side the older trailer that was already there, now I'm trailer trash, but sober and happy. My Fiancee is looking for a job down here in Appleton, YES I'm engaged.

...We will know a new found freedom, we will not regret the past, or wish to shut the door on it,,, i never thought I would be there. But today by the grace of GOD and the Fellowship of AA i walk and smile and hold my head high. Everyday I find out somthing new about myself and grow some more. i miss blogging buat I started to replace meeting with it and the bothered me. I sat here once and thought "What sounds good?" I never thought about that before, I usuallky talked about my E.S.H. or pain. Pain is such a could moviator. I'm still in Pain, but I share with my sponsor and Home group member, i even call my good old sober brother from Ohio, Sober nuggets Scott.

the fellowship keeps growing, I keep on coming back just in case that newcomer that needs help walks through those doors like I did 32 months ago,,,,,,,,GOD I love my new life.

Back to packing,,,out by the First,,,A Bunch of Alcholics are helping me move imagine that!!!

Peace Love and Kissing

Sober Steve

Spring Break with a program of Recovery

Good Morning my fellow peeps. Last week was my youngest sons spring break. Of course everyone wanted to fly to Florida to bake in the sun. They even tried the guilt thing saying that wanted to see the cousins who live there and Grandma and Grandpa G the snow birds. Today using my program of recovery I'm currently working on my amends. Most of those are Finical amends to family friends (well I use to call them friends) and banking institutions. I'm trying to purchase a house of my own. Something I can Call my own, have ownership of it, like my program I need to work on this in steps, a day at a time.

Well I took Thursday and Friday off of work, My girlfriend and her son came down from the UP of Michigan Wednesday night. Thursday Morning Her and I went to the bank to check on a loan for the above dream. The Banker went through everything said he would try to do his best, but wasn't sure. He later called and said I needed more time to clear up the past bad credit. Time, its in the past I can not change that, what can I do. I thanked him as he said he was sorry, it was not him that put me in this position I'm in today with my credit. That could of started the weekend out bad, but not for me. It was in the past, I need to keep working my program being a responsible member of society, that mean paying bills by due date.

Friday Morning rolled around and My brother and I along with "T" went pheasant hunting. one of the last weekends open for it in Illinois. Oh Forgot that part, both of us moved north to WI and MI during our marriages, our families still live in the Chicago area. Went hunting and had fun, I need glasses, another denly stage.

Now speaking of stages my family all work in the theater bizz. My brother asked if we wanted tickets to a Reba Concert. I said yes. He called Sat morning when we where downtown in the Sears towers saying he had 5 tickets. My oldest wouldn't go to a country concert so "T" invited her brother (cross that visit of the list,lol). So the 3 of us along with her son and my youngest went. Meet my brother in the parking lot, his wife and daughter drove with us. They had nose bleed tickets. Ours where front row, only security in front of us. How cool is that. 2 of my brothers where working that concert, my oldest came up to me with some guy and asked if I remember him. Shit he looked bad, life was bad to him I thought, it was his best friend that I hadn't seen in 25 years. He looked at me and said "Holy shit you are one fat ***ker." I got married weighting 135 well lets just say I'm well over the 200 mark today. Dennis had been in and out of rehad a few times and from the smell he is still out there. I thought I would rather be fat and Bald then that way ever again.

The couple sitting next to me, both had a drink the smell was sickening, but death is sickening also. That's where I would be if I wanted one. Which I didn't, first concert sober. I use to work these concerts, and yes drink during them i was 19-20 at the time and thought how great is this work and drink and get paid $20 an hour, that was over 20 years ago.

Anyways We had a great time. the kids it was there first concert ever, front row. Will be hard to top that. They would of like it better if it wasn't country, but they came with. I did loose my temper with the kids and yelled at her son, but promptly made my amends. What a great weekend.

Two years ago I posted on this blog my first trip alone with my kids went to the Sears tower also. Was scraid, alone and afraid of the temptation. Today I can say that the promises are coming true for me, God has relived my mention obsession to drink. I am regaining trust in myself and others.

God this program is great, and it is great living it.

Peace hugs and Kisses
Steve



I did things with my

Happy B-day to ME!!!

Wow what a difference two years makes. Friday was my belly button birthday. A little over two years I was crying in my milk that I was going to turn 40 in treatment. Looking back I think that was one of the reasons I walked out of treatment. A few weeks ago I wrote about returning to the scene, I was sober, but miserable. I was at that point in the big book were they talk about jumping off point. I couldn't imagine life with alcohol and couldn't live with-it, then I added my family either. When I sat there staring at my wedding ring, a bottle, and a gun in my heart I only wanted to save the ring. The last two would or could never get back my wife or family, actually it would insure I would never be happy. I set my pride aside and returned to treatment. I needed to learn how to deal with these feelings I had. I entered treatment on March 6, 2007. A birthday present to me. A chance at life. A chance to live again. A chance to restore myself to sanity.

Today life is different. I'm still suffering, but I am sober and learning how to live a sober. My 42 was not what I wanted, but it was what it was. i spent it working at a convention for 3 days in the Wisconsin Dells with my girlfriend and oldest son. Two things I did not think I would have two years ago. Today I am learning what it means to live sober. Make commitments and keep them. Learn to pay bills on time. Learn to love others as well as myself,,,That one is hard some days!

I feel sad every time my girlfriend leaves with my son to go back north, knowing that it is another week until I see them again, maybe two weeks for my son. my oldest son living with me fills that void of loneliness and isolation. He has been a god sent for me. He is dealing with his addition's, and is not done yet. Although not actively using because of probation, he still talks about it. He most face that himself and discover a higher power of his own.

Today I am grateful to be a member of AA and grateful for you being here for me and keeping me sober for another day!

returning to the scene

As I lay in bed shivering, the past came back to remind me of where I am and how far we have come.

It was Wednesday about 2 weeks ago I had a sales call back up north, the place I call home. It was about 2 pm so i decided to stay in Minocqua for a meeting that night. I went to my parents house, that I stay at on weekends with the kids. mom and dad are Florida snow birds so they are gone. I was lying in bed shaking. Thinking I haven't felt this cold in years. Holy shit maybe two years. When I walked out of treatment, I know the web of lies I had layed in the past were being unrelieved before my eyes. Everything I thought that was important was gone.

I sat there in that bed thinking of how bad I wanted to end my life. I had tried once before, but was to drunk to shoot straight. This time I was sober, a dry drunk. I call my ex talked to her, she said if I did it, she had nothing to do with it. That hurt, her and that dam Al-anon. She was suppose drop everything and come running. I called my friend "M" she cried and told me to remember my kids. All I could remember is that I was losing them. I sat there holding a gun, looking at my wedding band, with a bottle of Rum next to me.

Which would I choose. I had been sober long enough to know better, but I hurt and didn't want that pain anymore. i didn't call my sponsor I didn't call another AA. I called a priest he could talk to me. Take my side about how she was wrong. He asked me to leave everything there and lock the door and go for a walk. I did just to return to see him and Police there. He had to report it. We sat and talked for about 90 minutes before it was time for me to talk to the cops.

I would find a crisis bed that night back in that same treatment center. I remember saying AA screwed up my drinking, I was being held accountable. I knew that doing anything with that gun or bottle would not stop or change anything. I would transfer my pain. I needed to start living to replace that pain with love. To stop living the problem and live the solution.

Wow two years and I do have a better understanding of myself and this DZ. I am an alcoholic who needs AA, who needs others around me like myself. I am constantly reminded of that one phrase "Stop living the problem, Start living the Solution" So today I live to the best of my ability. Sometimes happy, sometime not, But I am living a sober Life today..

Peace
hugs and kisses
Steve

Having had a spiritual awekening...

"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to alcoholics, and practice these principals in all our affairs." Step twelve of course, if I needed to explain that hold on its going to be a wild ride. Friday afternoon I got a phone call from a guy in the program. I really couldn't him a friend because I have really not been accepted into their little inner circle, but he his my brother never-the-less. He had a great Day going on Thursday, made some very difficult amends, his wife found out and it went down hill from there. One amends to an ex female business partner, and another to an old high school flame. He has started to make his amends with his wife, but she wants details, he explained as it says "unless it will do others harm". so he will not go into detail with her. This is where I am also in my program.

I was working, but talked for about 45 mins. He was about 2 hours north, told him that I would met him in Green Bay about noon. we finally meet about 1:30. He was shaken, he talked about the low he felt last night, and he just wanted that first drink. Felt like he thru away the last two years. He felt like that emotional hangover. I sat there and prayed for at least some wisdom. Told him there was a meeting at 8pm and I would see him there. Well i didn't and it hurt, I was fear full of what happened. I know that I did my best, but still second guessed myself if i said something wrong or didn't say enough. I know I didn't because I asked God for strength and wisdom. I didn't say anything that I have not learned in the program.

Well a week later he is sober still. Saw him Monday, he thanked me "without making your head swell, I wouldn't made it without you" I felt good a sense of being a sense of belong. God am I getting better with every 24 hours. I'm still sick but getting better

peace hugs and kisses
my sober friends
Steve

Worth working,,,,

"...It works if you Work it,,sucks if you don't" is how many meetings end around here, Let me tell how how good it works. 10 day Ago I had the opportunity to speak at the Sunday morning AA meeting held at the treatment center that I was a guest of. It was a great experience one that I will remember each new 24 hours. A sense of being and belonging. I forget my notes, yes I lived it but made notes. I got down on my hands and knees and asked God to fill my mouth with the words that needed to be heard that day. of course things went well since I was not saying those words, they were from my voice but they were his words. There was no stretching the truth, misquotes. I could even talk about the time, as it talks about in the big book, when I could not imagine life with or without alcohol, I was at the jumping off point. After I attempted to take my life, I jumped the other way. I layed in there in that snow bank asking for help, this time I felt something, today I know what that something is. Butt I spoke with regret without fear.

I spoke almost 2 years to the Day that I walked into that treatment center. I was Dry for 2 months by then, but not living. Today things are different. Any ways After the meeting it was the hugs and thanks. I had to work on Monday so my son and i returned to Appleton. Tuesday morning rolled around and we were off back to Rhinelander for Court for him. we sat in the Lobby I overheard another lady talking about how she had 7 months sober, she went to great open speaker meeting on Sunday. Wow!!! I sat there another person from the treatment center walked in court, we exchanged the typical Hi's. Then a big bald ass biker dude yells, Brother Steve,,,A member from my old home group when I lived up there. God had put those 3 people in my life at that given moment for a reason,,,WOW!!!!! I know everything was going to be fine. Might not be good, but I was safe.

Now his lawyer shows up and calls us out to a conference room. To make a long story straight 5 felonies and two misdemeanors would be plead down to two misdemeanors and 18 months probation. We finished his High school home schooling just 3 days before. This kid has a chance of a life. It is up to him, God has seen to that. Anyways I thanked him and again and remembered the last thing I told my son Monday night, "Expect the worst, but pray for the best" it worked,,,See it works if you work,,,It sucks if you don't

Peace hugs and kisses
Steve

Life

Today I am still grateful that I know who and what I am. But still I have hard time working a program daily hourly and sometimes just for that second. But I know that if I do what I have been told I will be fine. Work my program, and pray and ask for God's direction not Steve's and i will be fine. I will be GREAT.

I keep coming back to the sober blogs and miss some very good friends that where here when I started 2 years ago. I miss their voices, their lives their guidance. One can only assume that they where not convinced of their dezee. I am convinced I am an alcoholic and don't want or need to go back out to try that test. I do sometimes wonder if i need those 3 meeting a week, talking to my sponsor, meeting with him one on one to read the Big book. Then I travel for a week or two and I can't even live with myself, but expect others too. Get Real.

Next Sunday I have been asked to share my experience Strength and hope at the meeting that was my very first AA meeting. Many have seen me transformed into what I am today. The one who asked me to speak we will call Fred, said I was there at your first meeting seen you struggle Thur treatment, and grow thru the program. Wow how could I say no. I guess i have, and i continue to grow as long as I leave my mind open to teaching.

Peace hugs and Kisses
Steve

New Year with new beginnings

I'm Steve and I'm an alcoholic, usually starts my rantings, but lately I can't even say that I do that as much as I should. I was told it was suggested to get a sponsor, go to at least 3 meeting a week, read the big book, and talk to the sponsor. It been about 2 weeks again since any of that has happened and my mind is squirrely, not in a drinking sense, but just that it easier to forgot would I should do or act, and just revert back to old ways of life.

I watched a movie "Changing Lanes" the other night and Samuel L Jackson was a recovering alcoholic. He did everything he could he could to destroy someone Else's life even tried to kill him. He became obsessed with revenge. It was his only thought, his life was destroyed by this fender bender and he was set out to destroy the other mans life. He finally calls his sponsor when he is sitting at a bar with a drink in front of him. The spons comes down and tries to get him to go with to a meeting. "I'll go tomorrow" was the response followed by "I know we only have the day,,,But I didn't drink today,,,I'm fine" The sponsor replies " so taking of lug nuts and trying to destroy someones life is being responsible. You didn't drink, but you did all the shit that your past behaviors would have you do!! Your drunk and don't even know it"

That's my life I let emotions run it, then call my sponsor reach out to someone in the program, but remain sober. My actions become less about shelf and more about the next right thing more and more each day. But if I allow anger and rage to live in my heart there is no room for others. So I can not allow that pattern of life to return.

*Today this new year I am blessed I have remained sober for a few 24 hours
*My 2 boys are with me this weekend
*My Girlfriend and her son are spending the week here
*My oldest son hugged me last week
*My parents are healthy
*I can walk,,to be able to shovel again, and again
*I have a program that I know how to work
*My sponsor who know I will when I get crabby enough
*My boss who believes in me, even with declining sales
*My higher power who guides me throughout the DAY

God Bless
Hugs and Kisses
Steve