Monday, May 28, 2007

TodAAy I am proud of you!

Dear Sober Steve

I just wanted to stop bye and drop you a note. 180 days ago when we meet you were scared and frightened. You wanted to turn to something, but you didn't know what. you wanted a hand to hold, but who's. You wanted, maybe needed help. A choice was there in front of you. That day you choose, you choose a softer and gentle path to walk. You still could not trust. All you knew is that you were tired. So tired, just sick, just sick and tired of being sick and tired. At 8:54 you made a decision. One that changed the course of history. It could not change the past, but with this you had a future. One with sobriety, one with laughter and one with love.

On November 28, 2006 8:54 pm i was proud of you. You pushed away that last drink. You pushed away a another dose of self medication. By pushing, you allowed me into your life. You allowed another answer. We have been through up and downs, at times you did not even see a future without drinking. You were hurting still not knowing who to trust, you went to AA and asked for help. You walked through those doors scared, shaking, just needing to stop the pain. You sat alone on the couch, alone and ashamed of what you become. Feeling like you sank to the depths of the inhuman, unworthy, unloved existence. They asked for the new comer, you shook, so afraid, shaking, you couldn't talk, but I talked for you. I'm Steve. you sat at your first table. Rick, Patty, Steve, Helen, and ????? all talked about what brought them there. The first step admitting we are powerless. finally you spoke. "My name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic" came fourth. your Birth. You talked, cried, cried, wanting to stop the pain. They told you to read the book, don't drink, read the book, and keep coming back. You did, you needed something they had. they smiled, they laughed, they didn't cry. you wanted that life again. Maybe for the first time. you kept coming back, listening sharing, and finally one day you could share without crying, with out shame, without guilt. It doesn't matter how long it took to get to that day, but It was here. It was your life.

Steve you are so worth saving. so much worth the love I have for you today. Your wife, family friends knew you could do this. you wanted to run so many times. you wanted back to try to self medicate again. We stood by your side and told you that we had faith in you. Your wife was gone, your health became an issue, money problems consumed thoughts, but you stood strong. You stood Sober.

So Today 6 months later you have grown. You have began to trust others. you opened your heart to others, you laugh, you smile, you even have fun. Today you can see a life without using. A life worth saving, a life with love and laughter. You are special. You are loved, and when you feel that you are not, just remember that we will love you when you can not love yourself.

With all my love to you

Friday, May 25, 2007

Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."
Our God is an Awesome God! Always know that HE is beside you. In every way on every day.

May peace and Love fill you on this day. May you find the love inside you that your HP has for you. May you walk hand in hand with your HP on this Holiday weekend

Peace to ALL


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Working my program

Working my program. Last night without saying a word I wasn't working anything. I was just doing what I could to say in the moment. To stay in the day, not the past, not the future. My wife,,,it hurts just to say that,,,and I had a counseling appointment last night. It started out bad and just got worse. With everything happening with the house, she might have to move back in and i would move over to my parents so there would only be one payment a month. The conversion got ugly, her letting go of years of resentment, and hurt. I pulled back into myself, just wanting to get up and run away, run to my friend. I just wanted to be numb again. I cried in front of her like I never cried before. i finally spoke, not words but swords, knives right thru the heart. I yelled you don't want to move back in to our house since you would have to leave the Love shack of yours. In all the years of marriage she was never unfaithful. i accused her of it all the time. Would question why it took over an hour at the store. How come she took a long lunch hour. Now I have more trust for her than I ever have. A little late, a lot to late. i yelled at her because it was a defense I used in the past. i was back to that again. I was shaking, i wanted to run, run fast. The counselor asked what i felt,,,what emotions did i feel. i couldn't talk, she asked what I was doing for Steve, and what I was doing to be safe. The answer scared me.Nothing, nothing at all. i have put all my effort into bringing her back that I failed myself. I have been to busy trying to save the marriage and my kids that I forgot about Steve.

I went to a blog this morning,,kicking my monkey and read about her relapse, and how she was afraid of putting others first before herself. I can not afford to do that. None of us can. Believe it or not Al-anon has helped me worry about me, more than the problems with others. I now have two programs my AA program that I deal with my problems with alcohol, and Al-anon where I deal with the problems of alcohol in loved ones. They both mirror each other, but with Al-anon it really focuses on leaving the guilt aside. Saving yourself. But I will not let saving myself hurt others. Thats my downfall of both programs. I still put her and my kids first. They are my life, my reason for waking daily, My Life.

i know talk to my sponsor..Well thats the other problem i need a new one. i need a new everything. Why can't people just like me be. i don't want to call others. i don't want to go out in the world. i just want to grow and figure out who Steve is TodAAy. I need to get out more, but I am scared of what is beyond these doors. I am doing better about getting out. But could be better, should be better. If its not a meeting or town board Bisiness or Fire call i don't leave. I need a life, I need my life back. i want to feel something other than pain, guilt and a quick glimpse of happiness.

It is almost 80 outside, i cut the grass for the first time in years without a drink in my hand. thats says a lot. I am working my program todAAy. i just need to keep the evil twin off my shoulder. Keep all of you with my thoughts and prayers. I need to keep in my mind that my HP has a sense of humor, by slapping me in the face when i lose focus. i need to remember him riding up on his Harley and saying "I love you Steve, just in case no one told you today, i Love you!"


Monday, May 21, 2007

King Baby

Its a new day. A new 24 hours. Look I decided to come out and play todAAy. Yes its because I have kids I have a purpose to be here today. I feel so much like a part of society when I am a father. I still try to be the husband but get pushed away. Thats ok, I have pushed them away for years. Last week in a counseling session with my son he made a comment,,,giant slap in the face. "What family, he has pushed us all away." and later "I liked him better when he was drinking." It hurt, hurt a lot, but as for the last comment, he doesn't like it because now I remember what I told him to do. Now I want to part of their lives. Now i ask them for help. I know it will take time for them to let me back in their lives. It is toooooo late for my wife to let me in, well its never to late, but there is a pile of hurt to overcome there. If I just keep on keeping on and keep being sober Steve things will get better.

One thing I rehab in rehab was about the "King Baby"
In this pamphlet, we learn to identify the infantile King Baby ego within us. Our Childish personality traits must be surrendered before our disease can be fully arrested. the compulsive King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse....

King babies share a wide range of personality traits. None of us has all these traits, but we will probably find many that describe us. King Babies may show these Characteristics.
  • Often become angry or afraid of authority figures and will attempt to work them against each other in order to get their own way
  • seek approval and frequently lose their own identities in the process
  • able to make good first impression but unable to follow through
  • have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized
  • have addictive personalities and are driven to extremes
  • are often immobilized by anger and frustration and are rarely satisfied
  • are usually lonely even when surrounded by people
  • are chronic complainers who blame others for what is wrong in their lives
  • feel unappreciated and think they don't fit
  • see the world as a jungle filled with selfish people who aren't there for them
  • see everything as a catastrophe, a life or death satiation
  • judge life in absolutes: black and white, right and wrong
  • live in the past, fearful of the future
  • have strong feeling of dependence and exaggerated fears of abandonment
  • fear failure and rejections and don't try new things that they might not do well
  • are obsessed with money and material things
  • dream big plans and schemes and have little ability to make them happen
  • cannot tolerate illness in themselves or others
  • prefer to charm superiors and intimidate subordinates
  • believe rules and laws are for others, not for themselves
  • often become addicted to excitement, life in the fast lane
  • hold emotional pain within and lose touch with their feelings

If this was a test to see if I am an alcoholic I would pass with flying colors. It goes on to say how we change these patterns into something good. Gives us a feeling of self worth. Turn these traits over to our HP and let him. For me knowing what drives my ego help me better keep it in check.

The inner Struggle

Understanding King baby is difficult because things are never as they appear on the surface. There are two prime motivating factors: First, the scared, lonely, child who does not want to be hurt anymore and , second, the king Baby who is never satisfied.

I am reminded of the tale of two wolves right now. Which ever one you feed will grow stronger. So taking this list of defects I''m going to go out todAAy and make a difference in the world. I'm going to arrest the defects and be free of them for TodAAy.



Tuesday, May 15, 2007

What I have Learned

167 days of sobriety. Boy I have learned much about myself and this DZ. I have grown in so many ways. I have allowed God into my life. I have allowed everybody into my soul. I have allowed myself to forgive. It is a fact that i cannot change the past, and that i cannot shut the door on it. Part of me wants to close that door to forget the hurt and pain that I caused, the pain and suffering that my wife went thru. Today I know that I can only claim my part. I can only clean my side of the street. It still doesn't make it any easier. 164 days ago While searching for answers on AA web site I found a list of sober bloggers. I found my saving Angel. The withdraws were great I couldn't imagine 24 hours when I couldn't live thru 24 seconds. I quit on my own. no AA, no treatment center no support. But on Day Three I found Sober Chick. She saved me. Ran to the computer every morning to see what see said. Starting blog stalking, leaving comments, you people are nuts went thru my mind several thousand times. How do you think this is going to pass, you don't know what I'm going thru...etc around the first week Scout posted a comment on SC blog about me starting my own, and how it would help. i kept writing, e-mailing post to SC and keeping them.

On Dec 31, 2006 Sober Steve appeared here before your eyes. You have seen me grow, seen the hurt and raw emotions I go thru daily. You all said get a sponsor, goto meetings, listen and no matter what when I see that sign that says Think, Think, think. Just remember that sign is not for me. My life is unraveling in front of you right now. Served with Divorce papers, kids running away from home over drugs. Losing my job. Recently getting foreclosure paperwork on the house. But I didn't run away this time. I cried and thought, thought of the positive. Looked hard to find a bright side. I did see some light, I saw a path, a sober path, a unknown path, but I am not scared to walk down this path. Since I know that I have all of you here to guide me. Hold me up. To love me when I can not love myself. To find the good in every bad thing that happens.

I did find hope in AA. I found love around the tables. I found myself in my heart. I found that no matter what happens, nothing is worth picking up that first drink over. Soon God willing I will have 6 months of sobriety. We will stand back and say do you remember when that Scared Steve didn't trust us, didn't think he was worth saving, look at him now. I do feel better about things when I think them thru. I feel human now. i feel like I am special and worth saving. I feel loved, and most of all I am here for the newcomer.


Friday, May 11, 2007

Very Lonely

Morning all. Where do i start in the mush brain of mine. Tho I feel Lonely I know that I am not alone. I have the have hands off aa, your thoughts and prayers, and most of all I have a HP. Today for the first time I wish that I could just plug the zip drive into my head, and download here. My mind wonders this morning, hard to stay on one subject. My head wants to feel something besides pain, my heart is longing to feel serenity, my body is just aching from the unknown. I was warned that in early sobriety it is a roller coaster ride which implies there are ups. All I feel is the downs,,down,,,down...The ups are there, I just focus on the downs. The ups are the things on my Daily gratitude list. It is that skinny bony little boy that almost missed the bus. It is the troubled teenager that thinks that drugs is his only friend. It is the fact that even if my wife does want a divorce we can still talk. It is the fact my mother will spend another mothers day with her mother in Chicago before coming home from FL. It is all the phone calls I got back on Tues and Wed when my world was falling apart. Ten mins ago I could and you could only see the downs on this ride. I hurt so much that its all i feel some days. But today i choose to feel life. A clean and sober life. One with love and Joy. friends and family to hold me. And most important a life with coffee, brb.......

My son went to a counseling apt. yesterday. He didn't run out, but not happy about it. All in all it went well. He is hurting so bad, he thinks that the only way to find happiness is thru drugs. He is cutting now. Last night after the session, my wife came over here. We spent some time together, showing the boys that we always don't fight, and that things will settle down.

Sat morning now. I'm not going to go into the giant tail of woeeee about money. But yesterday I got one of those certified letters. Notice of default on the house. The house was already in foreclosure. We restructured the loan, with the condition not to be late any more payments, and we are paying a 1 1/2 payments a month. Well Last months payment was 8 days late. We have until the 18th to come up with with the entire amount to bring us current and along with June payment. I made the comment yesterday, that I have been buying new shoes just so the other one could fall. But everyday even though the other shoe may have fallen, I put on another. I got up this morning to figure this out. I am facing the facts, not drowning them away like the old days. I am sober and I know that drinking will not make the mortgage payment, medical bill, put food on the table pay for a lawyer,,,,etc the rest of everyday bills....

Have a great weekend...

PS... Stop by and leave Wagon Rider congrads on 5 months of CLEAN and SOBER time, and of course his wife "estranged wife" for all of her support for J****. the are listed on my links. And congrads to all for another 24 hours...

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Feeling ....

Feelings...I least I know if I am crying I still have feelings. First my son is home. sleept outside all night in the rain, and then went to school. The school cop called me...

Back to feelings. Last night at a meeting we talked about the 9th step.Made direct amends...One person said something that was like a slap across the face. Making those amends to myself. Thats seems like the hardest. I'm losing everything around me due to this DZ and my lack of power over it for years. I I know now that I have turned it over...At times i agree with my wife I had a choose to stop drinking whenever i wanted. The dz was stronger than me, still is. I look at my wedding band and know how strong this DZ is. Just looking at that has kept me sober. Knowing what I have lost to Alcohol. losing my son to another addiction. As Scott usually writes "Keep on Keeping on" that's all I can do today, just keep on keepin on. Stay in the day...Don't pick up that first drink..This to shall pass...

There is a guy that I see every now and then at meetings. Big Biker dude. think he was a shrink in his past life. Some of the things he says makes me wonder is it is god under that leather. He was at a table with me last night After I shared and we closed the meeting he walked up to me and said just in case no one told you today.."Steve I love you" and gave me a hug. It felt like the entire hands of AA were holding me then. And they were

Today ....
I'm grateful for the hands of AA
I'm grateful for my son being home safe and sound
I'm grateful to be sober
I'm grateful for an understanding family
I'm grateful for some much in my life today
I'm grateful that it is 80 outside
I'm grateful that I'm going outside

Sorry I have a boat to get ready for a hot date with boys......


I am grateful that my niece showed my mom how to find this blog. Thinking about this saddens me how she has to read this, to find out how I am really doing. Everybody reading my blog really knows how I am doing, just taking it by the minute, some days the second. I don't think I have told my family exactly how I am feeling. Still trying to be that reslient kid everybody thinks I am. I'm not and never had been, holding it in all these years, drinking to forget. but today i don't have to do that anymore. It hurts, but thats ok to hurt and its ok to cry, its ok to so emtion this is something I never allowed myself to show to others, and is hard for me to do that yet.

peace again

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Warning Floor disappears w/o warning

Just when I thought things could not get much worse they do. Now official estranged wife wrote me a letter to tell me that she filled for divorce. We have been talking and crying together. Making progress, I thought that we still had a long way to go but we were moving forward. Boy did I get blind sided again.

Its 3 am now. My son didn't take the news really good. By the time my wife finally called back from her busy schedule, my youngest talked to her, I went into the oldest room to find him smoking pot again. i told him he was done. Once he talked to his mother I was calling the police. By the time the youngest got off the phone the oldest ran away. That was at ten pm. Its raining outside now. He has texted a few times, but refuses to come home and refuses any help of any kind. My wife won't come home from her meeting either. I was hurt early now I really am, this is about her child, and still her job has to come first.

Please say a pray for him tonight. Say a pray for my wife tonight. As have as for me My hp is with now. He sent my youngest child home sick from school today to be with me after the news. he his sound asleep in my bed. He saved me from being alone today. He saved me from drinking today. ok yesterday.

Hugs and Kisses
This morning after the kids got themselves out the door I went and laid back down in bed, just for an hour I thought. 4 hours Later I went to visit Lush and read the daily reflection, I did have my book in hand just in case she didn't post this morning. Anyways I was sitting there and starting to think about idle hands, idle minds. Thought about how quickly those tools can get turned over for evil if we let them. I let my mind wonder. While in rehab. I remember while in rehab just opening my bible and reading a page and reflecting on it. This morning i was thinking about just that, idle hands are the devils play ground.

So this morning no pity parties not sleeping in all day. This hands are going to be used to do Gods Work. And God wants we to take my kids this fishing, (I hope he doesn't mind me putting words into his mouth today). I picked my boat up out of storage yesterday. The reminder of the difference in time. Empty beer cans all over it. But today I'm going to get it ready for this weekend. Both kids want to go. They are arguing about were to go, but they both want to go. I'm just happy that the oldest still wants to do things with me even though he has had some pretty stiff results from his drug use. So this morning these ideal hands are sipping coffee at noon. Cleaning up the kitchen, and going outside to start preparing the boat for a fishing trip for three special boys. The biggest boy is called Sober Steve.

i am a little scared, fishing is one of the play things that i worry about. I did go ice fishing a few times this winter without drinking, but this is going to be hard for me. When I drank i was not a bar fly. I drank at home or found reasons to drink outside with others. fishing and hunting was one of those reasons. I never drank while hunting, but afterwards watch out. Fishing, it was always a joke to see when i would spill my first beer.

I did start to build a base though the last two years the kids and I did a fathers day weekend fishing tournament. One of the rules was not alcohol in the boats. I never did drink during contest hours, so i know that it can be done. I know that I can do it.

Today I'm grateful to have courage over my DZ, and that I know that I do not have to walk this walk alone. For me this is going to be a long week. My parents are in IL by the rest of my family 300 miles away, slowly making their way back to WI from FL. My parents saw me early in my recovery, I have not seen them since mid Dec. And I was 50 pounds heavier, and a hole lot more scared than I am today.

Tonight I think I'm going to try to open that bible again and find that story about idle hands...If i can't find that maybe I'll look up some fishing stories. Lord know a good fisherman never doesn't like to hear about a good fish tale...

Hugs and kisses

Monday, May 7, 2007

Missing Sober Steve

Last week I didn't feel like blogging, Feel like talking or sharing, but I went on. I was once again feeling like that dry drunk. I don't like that feeeling. Its not me, and not healthy for me either. So I wanted to start this week off right. Its 6am and I'm up, well to be honest I didn't sleep at all last night 15-20 mins at a crack than up for 2-3 hours doze off and awake again. So much going thru my mind. This week I'm setting some goals for me. I need to reach out to people in the program more. I need to be in AA not around it. I need to get more involved in Al-alon to help me deal with my wife and son. Yes last night I went to an Al-alon meeeting and my youngest went to a Al-teen meeting. They didn't beat me either for being the alcoholic. I know its the same steps for both programs, but last week at an open speaker meeting I won a al-alon daily reflection book, and it has helped to put things inperspective about them, ok about us. I just want to say that my wife is really not an Alcoholic, i think that she does drink to much now. i think that it is a problem that she still choices to drink even with what alcohol has done to this family and continues to do to it daily.

This is going to be a busy week so I can not loose focus on me. I have the kids this week so that should help a lot with my isolation. I never last the house last week. Sleep way to late everyday. wouldn't answer the phone. I can't do that this week. Little goals daily. I'm going to blog and share more this week. Yes Ellie even some funny stories about my week. I can have fun, and that's ok to feel good about myself. I need to allow myself that feeling of joy in my life. I need to get up in the morning go to the mirror and tell myself that I am worth it. I am worth that first breath of air. I am special. I didn't feel that at all last week and it showed. I cared myself that way all week.

So today I'm grateful to be alive
Today I'm grateful for the Hands of AA
Today I'm grateful for my sober blog partners
Today I'm grateful for my HP
Today I'm grateful for the chance to wake my boys up for school
Today I'm grateful to be me
Today I'm grateful for meetings
Today I'm grateful that I have a program of recovery

Wow Posted by 6:30 am what a difference a week makes. One thing I did do a lot of last week was write in my mind. Read a lot of my journal from rehab. I missed that Steve that spoke such truth in words. that's the Steve i want back here. Once again a little to late, but I wrote my wife a beautiful poem for mothers day. I have one going in the confines of my head right now for all mothers here in recovery or just visiting. My alcoholic mind will probably post that next Monday,,,lol

Have a Great Monday
Hugs and Kisses

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Today I choose...

Today I choose not to pick up that first drink.
Today I choose to be a sober Father
Today I choose to be here for another alcoholic
Today I choose to let my HP run my life
Today I choose to make it all about Steve
Today I choose to be ME.

Hugs and kisses

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Coffee anyone?

Good morning its the un-godly hour of 1:30 pm. And I just started my first pot of coffee. Yes I know get my ass up and moving. Isolation is not good. I know,, I know,,I know, but I still do it. So back to coffee. If you want any go get it yourself, this is my I forgot this is also an honest program. I seem to have problem with coffee lately. My HP want me to get back or something. Sit back and enjoy this over you favorite flavor of coffee.

The time is about 6pm Thurs night. Sober Steve is busy trying to get the carpeting put down in his bedroom, so he can once again now the freedom of sleeping in a bed. His youngest son, the one who pic has visited this blog before, the one if he was the first child would of bin the only child. the child with a smile that makes you forget why you are mad at him. Steve goes to make coffee, the new goodwill coffee pot seems to spill on the counter when you fill it so lately Steve is using a water picture to fill. Be the true alcoholic that Steve is he is doing 20 things at once and the water picture overflows out the spout across the counter, all over the floor and stove. "Oh shi*" Steve yells. Gets the mop out, and cleans up the mess. No one was injured, its ok he thinks.

About an hour passes and Sober carpet laying Steve asks said child to go and get him a cup of coffee. "A" being the U.N. child is more than happy to help his father. He comes back with a cup and hands it to me with a devilish grin. Steve reaches for the comes and asks why it is empty. "A" tells his dad, "If you want coffee next time how about you use some water for it." Steve jumps over the carpet and chases the child around the house till he is trapped and gives him the water. So lets try this again Steve thinks. I will be smarter this time he says. Uses the coffee to fill it, spills water again, but picks it up. Goes back to the carpet detail, smells the coffee about 45 mins later. No child to fetch it this time. He goes and gets it himself. "Oh shi*, what else can go wrong with this simple task tonight."

For this time When Sober (dying for a cup of coffee) Steve tried this time he never put the pot under the maker. It has that stopper thing a magiggy that stops the coffee till the pot is under it. Well it made 12 cups of coffee the filter holds about 3, so yes you guessed it the rest of the coffeee and grounds all over the counter, stove and floor. I big fricking mess for Steve to pick up, but he laughed, said child came by and laughed, and the two of them went and sat on the couch and laughed and watched TV.

So today I look back and reflect about how far I have come in this program. At first I thought about how using using the steps and the program of AA helped me with this one. Well it is evident that my HP didn't think I needed anymore coffee. I didn't get mad and blame anyone else. I didn't get made and throw things. I realized that I made a mistake, I'm human and I forgave myself. things happen, drunk or sober, some good some bad, but nothing is really worth picking up that first drink over. The most important thing i did about that whole thing was the ending, sit down and enjoy my sons company, not working with him but sharing my time with him. Enjoy the little things in life they may end up to be the biggest thing in your life todAAy.

Hugs and kisses

PS. This was not my first post for today. I delted the first one saying that I didn't feel like posting, because all I can do lately isolacte and kick myself,,,,etc,,bad day

just todays reading in a book someone gave me "Daily Meditiation Is for MEN"
We've had problems in our lives with limits. We have done some things to excess and others we have endlessly postponed. Sometimes we haven't had good judgement about what we ought to tell someone or whom we ought to tell. We may have kept secerts that made us lonely and sick. other times we exposed too much inappropiate situations and hurt someone else or ourselves. Developing these internal limits is a quiet change that comes with recovery. Gradually, we gain a stronger feeling of self-respect and become more intuitive about when to express something and when not to.

Secerts are links in our chains of bondage toisolation, addiction, and codependency. Yet, when we are compelled to tell everything, we lack feeling of self containment that comes from maturity. We need a sense of privacy which is the freedom to choose what and when to confide in a friend. What does our intution tell us today about our privacy and our openness?
Today ... I will Listen to my inner messages about what i need to discuss with others and when I need to withhold