Saturday, March 31, 2007

Can an Alcoholic Really Change

I have been hearing and saying that a lot lately. Its the constant battle between my wife and myself. Every time I see a chance I would say the old Steve would of done this, but now look what I did. Just in case you didn't hear Steve finally did something that 99% of the human race does daily, but I find the need to point it out that I'm beginning to act like a human being. Big fricking deal. Tonight After an argument with my wife, yes another that I started, I made an awesome Shrimp Alfredo. since I'm still on pain killers from surgery yesterday I asked her to drive me to my meeting tonight, (she goes to her meeting at the same time downstairs) she had to run to her house to grab her books. I got pissed off that when she left her plate was still sitting on the table, and she never said thank-you. I picked them up and turned and said to myself, "Now I know how she felt every time I never thanked her for dinner". Ok so I changed something. There are little to big changes going on in me right now, but wait.....

Tonight at the meeting, we discussed Step Three...We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him. As the self appointed replacement for Bill W. talked with no end in sight, he did say a few things that made me think. I keep telling my wife I can change I am changing, please give me time. I haven't changed a thing, yes maybe on the outside. My temper, my attitude, my patience, but these are only band-aids for the solution. It says it in the first three words, We made a decision. I can't turn somethings over and not the rest. I can not turn over parts that I feel is safe for God to fix and not the others. No where in there does it say that I only turn over 10, 20 70 or 50%. We turn our will and lives over. Hey Steve wake up that means 100% not just what we want to , or what we feel is safe. We can not just kneel and pray for bits and pieces of our lives, we need to pray and ask humidly his will for all of it. I tried to do it my way, and look where it got me.

After the meeting I was talking to Bill JR. and I told him that I asked the doctor not to give me any pain killers that I could become addicted to. He told me about his surgery where he had quite an intense recovery with a lot of pain. He asked his HP to help and guide him through this time. He had faith that his HP would watch over him and make sure no harm came to him. Turning it over. No, Steve still thinks he is running the show. No I'm not betting myself up. I have to remind myself who I want in charge of my life, and it is not Steve.

So tonight when I pray I will remember this, not just what I want, but all of me. I will not hold on to the old Steve. I will not hold onto parts that I feel that I need to keep. If I need them he will make sure that I get them again. The saying that I hate so much is that if you love them let them go, and if was meant to be they will return. So tonight I will let myself go, I will give myself back to God, and I know that only what is meant to be will return.

So good night and God bless you all

Hugs and Kisses

Monday, March 26, 2007

Walking together on my Path

On November 28, 2006 I started to walk down a new path, one with hope and sobriety. I later titled a blog "Alone on my path". 118 days later, I now know how wrong I was. In the early days of my sobriety I felt all alone. As each day in sobriety passed more and more of my past begin to surface. Things in my past that I drank to forget. I talked about the pieces of my family that were scattered along this new path. to many to take with. I entered rehab as a shell of a person. A person that i didn't know. A person that no-one knew. After reading the poem from my wife how this DZ and my problem with it shattered her world. I have come to a better understanding the long term effect of this on the family. My wife rented a house almost two months ago. Tonight is the first night she is spending it in her house. She stood by my side this whole time I was in rehab. Tonight it is my turn to stand by her side. I had a 45 day time out from the world. She had to pick up what little things I did around here, and to do everything by herself. With a lot of help from the kids that I left here that have now turned into young men. They keep on telling me that this is a shellfish program, she has a program to thru Al-alon. She put that on the side burner till I could stand on my own. I owe her for that. She does need space to heal. As she says she is so close to the problem that she can not see it. Can not see the trees thru the forest.

We need to learn to talk again. But before that I told her something must happen. Yes the eyes glowed, flames started to build, I was telling her how to think, old behavior. But this time it was good. I told her I was going to do something no matter what she thought. Told her many people will be helping me with this. "Honey, Let us Love you, until you learn to Love yourself again." She tried to hold back the tears. No matter what I LOVE HER.

Thanks Lushgurl glad you notice I noticed too, a softer and gentle side of Steve. Yes i see that the promises are starting to work in my life. I feel peace in my heart today.

I'm going to paste the original post of Alone on my path. But I now know I'm not alone. Millions of people are walking with me on this path.

Hugs and Kisses

Today I tried to walk the new path in my life. I felt lost, and alone. I have heard and talked about this new path, new way of life for me. One with sobriety, and people there to guide me. I felt hurt, abandoned and left out to dry. I had the numbers of new friends that I have met at the AA meeting. The blogs and words of wisdom from others. But still I could not move my feet.

This new path that I had chosen looked familiar. The path was littered with broken parts of objects. It was hard to move without stepping on something. I bent over to move something, and then I saw what I was standing on. For these were no ordinary objects they were all pieces, pieces of myself, pieces that were torn off my body during my self-destruction. My hands became very full. I picked up another piece to see it was part of my wife, another part of my kids, parts from my family. I slowly began to cry. These are parts that my family and friends lost because of my drinking. The parts that were lost that are now replaced with walls. I quickly picked up what I could. My hands began to fill up again. So many parts, so much hurt. I had to make a decision, what could I bring and what could I leave behind. Night was beginning to upon this trail. The stars began to shine. I sat there on a stump looking at each piece. My sons missing me at teacher conferences, my wife missing my compassion. SO much hurt. To much to take. I need to bring these pieces back. I needed to fix them. Fix the problems that I had caused.

As I sat there, crying now, I picked up a piece. It brought a smile to my face, a twinkle to my eye. It was a person that I fell in love with many years ago. A friend that I hurt badly, I forgot all about this person, the love and good times we shared. The stories about trouble we avoided. The tales of childhood pranks. For this person that I hurt was not just any friend, not just any love, not just any memory. It was me.

I held that part tight close to my heart, dropping the others. I knew if I was to fix the others I must fix myself. I must begin to love myself. As God loved us so much that He gave us His only son, I must have that love for myself to give anything back. so when I stood to continue down this path, the other parts moved slightly. Just far enough out of the way not to be walked on, but close enough for me to remember the pain. I held myself tight, and walked. I began to notice other lights, voices began to be heard. Faces and other paths appeared. For this whole time that I thought I was alone, I wasn't. Others watched just out of sight. They knew that this was something I needed to do. Something I needed to know. I began to smile, not just me, but that part of me that was lost for so long. I found myself, and I love it. I am so filled with life, that I glow. As long as I can keep the others at my side, holding their lights, my path is brightly lit.

I promised myself to be back for the other parts, the parts from others that I have hurt. The people that I must make amends to. As soon as Steve is back, healthy, I will be back for them, and try to repair all the hurt I caused.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

A Family Disease

What you are about to read are the effects of alcoholism on a spouse. It can turn a once outgoing loving person into a shell. It cuts deep into ones fabric. It causes scars that may never heal. It causes pain that may never go away. It hurts all that it touches. This is her story of what happened. I'm posting this with her consent.

I'm dreaming. I see a bird. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Its radiant, the colors of the feathers are so vivid, the shape of the animal is in perfect balance. As I drift closer to it in my dreamstate, I realize the bird is trying to fly away. But it's trapped in a cage. It seems very afraid, panic-stricken. I don't understand how to convey that I just want to look at it, not hurt it. But the bird just continues to beat itself against the inside of the cage in an effort to escape. I am close enough now to notice that the bird has been doing this for quite awhile, I can see it is very broken and bloody. There are feathers all over the ground from it trying to escape scrutiny. Very gently, I am able to unlock the cage and very quietly, I move away. The animal has exhausted itself from its efforts and has settled down. After I move away a few steps, I stop and simply watch. I can see every individual feather, in all the different colors and layers covering the body, the wings, the tail, I can see the beak and the eyes, watching me. Very cautiously, it approaches the opening I left in the cage, testing, making sure the door is not going to be slammed shut on it at the last possible second. It pauses for several seconds, feeling unsure of how to proceed. I blink and it's gone. It's only now that I realize that I am the bird. And I'm soaring through the sky, feeling the air of freedom, breathing the exhilaration of freedom. I know that I will heal, my body can take care of that. I also know that I will not allow myself to be caught and locked in another cage.


When I read this to my group while still in Rehab, I could not stop crying. I can not go back and change a thing. I can only live in the day. Today I choose not to drink. Today she now chose never to be locked up again. May I never lock her or anyone else in the cage again.

Hugs and Kisses

Friday, March 23, 2007

The Day After

I just want to start by thanking everyone for your prayers. I wasn't sure if I could make it through rehab, but I did. There is so much so fresh in mind, I still don't know what to say. I have thanked her up and down for standing behind me this hole time. But Thanks doesn't seem like enough to say to my wife. Even Though she rented another house almost 2 months ago. She is still home. Still here so I wouldn't come home to an empty house. Thank you L. i really need to thank my JR. High school sweetheart, 23 years later we are still friends. I unloaded so much shit on her it wasn't funny. My Family even though they never could come up to visit, i knew that they were there. To my new family I found in treatment. The staff, the counselor's, the other clients. There stories will keep me going, one day at a time. To My HP thank-you for never turning your back on me even though I had my back turned to you all these years. It could of been easy to to write me off, but you saw something inside that I couldn't see.

I stayed in the house all day. Never got out of bed. scared to go anywhere. Skipped morning mediation. Said my prayers lying in bed. I was so scared yesterday walking out those doors. scared now just looking at the outside world. It is still there, waiting for me to have a weak moment. Going to a meeting tonight. Its a meeting that i really don't like, but principals before personality. I'm going there for me.

Home from my meeting. I went to the meeting and my wife went to her Al-Alon meeting. Afterwards we went to Perkins for coffee and desert. Had a great talk, both of us talking. Both of us sharing. It just sucks that it took her leaving to start having conversions that married couples have. I now know that this was my time to stop drinking. I can't keep back and beat myself up that i didn't quite years ago. I feel that now, I know that now! I know so much now, more than I realized that I ever could. I feel great after that meeting tonight. Feel like I Do have a purpose in life and that I am special.

Thurs Before leaving I did my 5th step. I really wasn't ready, but They want you to do it before you leave. I still have to accept the 2nd in my heart, and soul, but in time this will become an everyday part of life for me. When I walked out of Father J.'s office after the fifth step, my counsel was just walking in the door from outside, and asked how it went. I lifted my legs high as I walked out of that office, Stepping over the pile of shit that I left there. Some baggage that I need never worry about again. I left it there, it is gone for good, no looking back and trying to claim it, its gone forever. I felt 500 pounds lighter. I joked around in the community for hours, feeling like a kids again. Jumping on people, being a smart ass, being me. The new Steve. One that I never knew. One that No one knew except for GOD.

My wife wrote me a beautiful poem, Its outlined the pain that I put her through all these years, and how she felt. Later I share that we all of you, but I got that just hours before my fifth step. It made me feel humble. It made me think. It made me whole. I read that poem to my group crying throughout it. It made me think about all the pain I caused her and others. It made me be honest about who I was. Steve the alcoholic. I have had a hard time admitting that without shame. Now its ok. I claim it, I own that. I am that. I went into that 5th step in vising that poem, and left everything I could there. Not wanting to take any extra baggage with. Thanks Father J. for releasing that from me. Thanks all of you.

Hugs and kisses

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

She made me cry!!!!!

Wow. With one of my last days in group, they saw the real Steve. I cried right from the get go. I read the story about GOD and the double bike. Letting god get in front and steer, pedal giving him control. I failed so badly at this during my DZ. She got inside me today, made me, ok I let myself, leave the pile at shit at the door today. All the things I wanted to say for months, for years, I had never had the strenght to say. I was scared, mad and upset. i crying now in the YMCA with 30 kids looking at me funny. But I don't care. This is my program. This is my life today. A life without substance abuse. A clean life, a better life. I wanted to say so much more but I couldn't no matter what I said it was said with tears. Big tears. This 45 days drove my wife further away, but I came back. I drove her away thinking I needed her to make me strong. I am strong. I can be strong I just need to believe in myself. Like other believe in me. The way God believes in me. Thurs night is my medallion ceremony. I leave Friday. Not sure if I am ready, for how much I wanted to walk in the beginning I want to stay now. Boy how I have grown.

I need to get going right now. Kids on spring break, waiting list for PC.

hugs and kisses

Friday, March 16, 2007

Found in Rehab

Found: A 40 year male, slightly balding, a little over weight. What hair there is is brown with brown eyes. A very good sense of humor. A man who loves life, loves his family and friends. A man with a sense of direction. A man who has surrendered himself to a HP. and admitted to himself that he has a disease called Alcoholism.

Now that I found myself I know what I need to do with myself. Embrace this new life of sobriety. With AA and my friends at my back I will walk out of rehab next week with my head held high, knowing that I am not a loser, not a failure, no a problem of society. I am Special. I am Loved, I am an alcoholic named Steve. That 8 days That I was home during rehab. I know believe it was my HP telling me to grow up. Get with it. Embrace him, and embrace the program. sh*t or get of the pot. Be in AA not around it. I grew up so much. Today should of been my last day. I would not be ready to walk out these doors today. i know what is waiting out there will be there next week, but for Today I am safe in these walls for another 7 days. & more days of tools, 7 more days or serene peacefully being. I'm going home on a pass this weekend. Hope to take the boys to a water park, and laugh and play like I was 7 again. Be Stevie the kid again. Laugh and cry like a kid. Today in Art therapy we had a shaving creme fight. Took me back to being a kid again. I can laugh and smile without booze, without it aid. I can be the life of a party sober. I can be Steve!!!!!

I'm at the YMCA right now. Between treatment and this place I have remained sain. Without the workout of the physical and mental side I would not be whole. Without All of you I would not be who I am today. A person in recovery. I am ready to go out and face the world, but slowly, with tools in my hands and the instructions manual of the big book. I will be ok. Hold on tight, more will be reveled. WOW what strong words.

Going swimming. Wish you could see me right now jamming to some song on MTV. My kids would be laughing. "Some rap crap" in my words. I danced the other night to "junk in my trunk" who would of thought.

Hugs and kisses

Sunday, March 11, 2007

So mad I'm shaking

This is going to be short. Like my visting hours today. From 1-4:45. 3 hours and 45 mins to catch up on my week. i just talked, ok yelled at my wife. Its 1;15 and she hasn't left our house yet. A 40 min drive down here. At least one more hour I will miss out of their week. She sees them all week. But it was more important for her to spend time with her parents, after seeing them all weekend then it was for me to see my kids for just under 4 hours. She sees her dad everyday at work. I didn't go home this weekend so they could help grandpa with some things around his house. My wife wanted some alone time. So I guess I needed it to. I'm so ....ed at her right how. My hands are shaking. She should be her in 20 mins. So I don't have much time to get rid of this anger building into furry. I'm looking in the bag of tools that i have learned so I don't loose anymore time with them today. My wife has made it clear that it is over between us. But I still love her, and I love my kids. And every minute does count. Thanks for being there for me today. Thank you god for another 24 hours of sobriety.

Hugs and Kisses

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Mixed up in rehab

Weird how I have grown so much in these last couple of weeks. Blogging does not seem to be that important to me right now. At first I thought coming over to the YMCA would be great. Checking email, blogging, and maybe do some weights. Just the opposite. I have been working on my mind and body, not so much on blogging. I fell great about myself. I lost almost 50 pounds since I quite drinking. Need to buy new clothes since my pants are falling off of me. Called SC to challenge her to a race. Put all this to the test, boot camp versus rehab. But its not versus, its a team effort. I couldn't of done these without her strength, your strength and mine, did I mention HP. in the early days of my recovery I felt alone. I found strength in all of you. I use your thoughts prayers and wisdom daily. I think about all your comments on my blog and others. I smile when I see "US" do things for others , like scout "borrowing" a key tag for meg, but not for herself. Prayers for the fallen, or ones that have strayed away from our tables. Prayers and angels sent to me the last couple of weeks.

I pray nightly for others not myself, not for what I need. Or what I think I need. If I need it God will see that I get it. I go back to the Doc Fri to finally get the results back from two weeks ago. Hope I didn't have 2 weeks to live. LOL I have a sense of humor, a real one without alcohol. So much seems to be real in my life now. I Helped my wife pack up last weekend to move out. So does need her space, it hurts, but if it was meant to be it will come back. If our marriage doesn't work, I gained a great friend in her. We have talked more like friends these last two weeks than we have in years honest conversions. Both of us talked not just me, and her listening. Honest truthful and a whole lot of tears. Today during my 2nd first step I was called a fake, minimizing my drinking. I let it go. Cried for an hour while talking in group. A bald 40 year crying like a 4 year old, something I needed to do years ago. Let it out. It felt great.

Well gotta run my time is up. Going to go hit the pool for 20 Min's before i have to be back. Still snow here in WI. Spring is right around the corner though, I can smell it in the air

Hugs and Kisses

Monday, March 5, 2007

Peom of Strength

This is something My roommate in Rehab Wrote after his 5Th step. I've been praying a lot today about guidance in my decision about returning into rehab. This seemed fitting to post today.

God I Surrender
I've come to lay my burdens down.
I feel you enter into my soul,
to fill the void, the gaping hole
My body goes numb, and tingles inside,
to the core, my heart,where you reside.
the serenity, and hope, I now can feel.
My faith in you no one can steel
things in the past could bring me down
They make me sad, make me frown
With new light from you I start to grow
I'll share it with others, and try to show
how you lifted me up with love, and regard,
when I slipped and fell to the ground so hard.
Your Love is unfailing, so Awesome, and true
It brings me through times when my vision is eschewed.
Please keep me, always, in the palm of your hand
When my knees go weak give me strength to stand.
In time I'll find your plan for me.
I'll embrace it with faith, ambition, and glee.
So thank you, lord, for all you have done
Especially for Jesus, sacrificing your son.

Forever Grateful

I needed him as a roommate I found faith, and strength inside him, and use it daily. Time for bed, I haven't been sleeping much, taking some sleeping pills so I can get some shut eye. I was only getting 2 hours a night for awhile, running on fumes. Doing better now, getting better.

Hugs and kisses