Monday, March 26, 2007

Walking together on my Path

On November 28, 2006 I started to walk down a new path, one with hope and sobriety. I later titled a blog "Alone on my path". 118 days later, I now know how wrong I was. In the early days of my sobriety I felt all alone. As each day in sobriety passed more and more of my past begin to surface. Things in my past that I drank to forget. I talked about the pieces of my family that were scattered along this new path. to many to take with. I entered rehab as a shell of a person. A person that i didn't know. A person that no-one knew. After reading the poem from my wife how this DZ and my problem with it shattered her world. I have come to a better understanding the long term effect of this on the family. My wife rented a house almost two months ago. Tonight is the first night she is spending it in her house. She stood by my side this whole time I was in rehab. Tonight it is my turn to stand by her side. I had a 45 day time out from the world. She had to pick up what little things I did around here, and to do everything by herself. With a lot of help from the kids that I left here that have now turned into young men. They keep on telling me that this is a shellfish program, she has a program to thru Al-alon. She put that on the side burner till I could stand on my own. I owe her for that. She does need space to heal. As she says she is so close to the problem that she can not see it. Can not see the trees thru the forest.

We need to learn to talk again. But before that I told her something must happen. Yes the eyes glowed, flames started to build, I was telling her how to think, old behavior. But this time it was good. I told her I was going to do something no matter what she thought. Told her many people will be helping me with this. "Honey, Let us Love you, until you learn to Love yourself again." She tried to hold back the tears. No matter what I LOVE HER.

Thanks Lushgurl glad you notice I noticed too, a softer and gentle side of Steve. Yes i see that the promises are starting to work in my life. I feel peace in my heart today.

I'm going to paste the original post of Alone on my path. But I now know I'm not alone. Millions of people are walking with me on this path.

peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Today I tried to walk the new path in my life. I felt lost, and alone. I have heard and talked about this new path, new way of life for me. One with sobriety, and people there to guide me. I felt hurt, abandoned and left out to dry. I had the numbers of new friends that I have met at the AA meeting. The blogs and words of wisdom from others. But still I could not move my feet.

This new path that I had chosen looked familiar. The path was littered with broken parts of objects. It was hard to move without stepping on something. I bent over to move something, and then I saw what I was standing on. For these were no ordinary objects they were all pieces, pieces of myself, pieces that were torn off my body during my self-destruction. My hands became very full. I picked up another piece to see it was part of my wife, another part of my kids, parts from my family. I slowly began to cry. These are parts that my family and friends lost because of my drinking. The parts that were lost that are now replaced with walls. I quickly picked up what I could. My hands began to fill up again. So many parts, so much hurt. I had to make a decision, what could I bring and what could I leave behind. Night was beginning to upon this trail. The stars began to shine. I sat there on a stump looking at each piece. My sons missing me at teacher conferences, my wife missing my compassion. SO much hurt. To much to take. I need to bring these pieces back. I needed to fix them. Fix the problems that I had caused.

As I sat there, crying now, I picked up a piece. It brought a smile to my face, a twinkle to my eye. It was a person that I fell in love with many years ago. A friend that I hurt badly, I forgot all about this person, the love and good times we shared. The stories about trouble we avoided. The tales of childhood pranks. For this person that I hurt was not just any friend, not just any love, not just any memory. It was me.

I held that part tight close to my heart, dropping the others. I knew if I was to fix the others I must fix myself. I must begin to love myself. As God loved us so much that He gave us His only son, I must have that love for myself to give anything back. so when I stood to continue down this path, the other parts moved slightly. Just far enough out of the way not to be walked on, but close enough for me to remember the pain. I held myself tight, and walked. I began to notice other lights, voices began to be heard. Faces and other paths appeared. For this whole time that I thought I was alone, I wasn't. Others watched just out of sight. They knew that this was something I needed to do. Something I needed to know. I began to smile, not just me, but that part of me that was lost for so long. I found myself, and I love it. I am so filled with life, that I glow. As long as I can keep the others at my side, holding their lights, my path is brightly lit.

I promised myself to be back for the other parts, the parts from others that I have hurt. The people that I must make amends to. As soon as Steve is back, healthy, I will be back for them, and try to repair all the hurt I caused.

16 comments:

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!
!
SO COOL!
Steve, that reminds me of the bit in the film my name is bill w when he has that experience in the hospital and wakes up completely different!

that story is AMAZING
what a great story1
I LOVE it.

lushgurl said...

I am crying, sobbing really, at the painful honesty of your words...just beautiful! I think I'll go pick up the pieces of me now, lushgurl has been having a few days!!
HUGS

Anonymous said...

You will touch many people with your honesty. Keep on writing from the heart, you have a true gift. You can really tell the difference, the before and the after. I like how the new Steve is looking at life. :)

God Bless you and my your wife and children find much healing.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Yeah you DO ! have a gift for writing Steve. your wife writes very well too. Cool!
Keep doing it! gifts were made to be shared. but you are always entitled to keep precious experiences to yourself. sometimes telling everyone about something very speail and personal can make it lose it's 'specialness'.
But i'm sure you will figure it out!
Have a FABULOUS wednesday Steve!

Sober Steve said...

Thanks Irish. Dont worry I wrote my wife a few peoms, and letters that will not be seen here. Both of us said how we forgot how much we liked to write. So now we are writing. For me both in a journal and blogging.

It might be cold and rainy ouside but it is a new 24 hours. I can make it whatever type of day I want. So with my HP help I choose to make it sober and great.

hugs Kisses

lushgurl said...

Hey Steve...I came bvack for a couple of reasons:
1)To tag you to find out what kind of jobs you have had!
2) to thank you for commenting on my Angels' blog, I am hoping she too can find strength in recovery (someday)!!!

lushgurl said...

ooopss...I really am a blog-STALKER today LOL, I forgot to say, not a new hair cut, just a different view, but careful, I might feel the need to go back into hiding again! Tanx for the compliment though!

Sober Steve said...

Time flys when you are sober. I just noticed I had 4 months today. Didn't think I could make day 1. Holy sh*t. Going to the hospital for surgurey in am, can't sleep, I'm going to track down dome Sober friends out here in blog land. ok Blog stalking is shorter to type....lol

Meg Moran said...

Steve you are a great writer, you get into the heart. Congrats on 4 months...keep it real...love in recovery, Meg

Judith said...

Congratulations on four months, Steve!

You sound like you are on the right track. I wish you and your family all the best.

~Judith

Anonymous said...

Dang Steve it is amazing to see how you are doing this, to see the miracle happen in the making. I remember when you first began . . .

Keep on walking, you have lots to offer.

justme said...

wow! thank you for sharing and sharing so deeply. i am so early in sobriety yet i feel as though 18 days is a miracle. i didnt get the option of going to rehab although through a counselor and my doc, i am doing their version of outpatient treatment. every sober day seems like a miracle. i feel as though I am finally coming out of the fog. thank you steve, for hope! for inspiration! and for being an alcoholic so that you may go on and help others as you were helped

My Name Here said...

OMG--such powerful words. I am running out of tissues. What beautiful writing. I can barely type through my tears. This is just wonderful for you, and your family. Thank you do much for sharing this with us. Now, I need to write my hubby, and my kids a letter. Thank you so much, today, you helped me beyong belief, thank you truly.

Rex said...

Well done young grasshopper!

Sunshine said...

What a LONG way you've come!!! You are never alone, we're always here with you...... thank you so much for sharing this piece of you with us!

Anonymous said...

As many stars as there are in the night sky, Steve. As many grains of sand that exist on all the world's beaches. That's how often opportunity really knocks. That's how many second chances you really get. And that's how many voices whisper your name each day.

You have no idea...

The Universe

No, Steve, I'm not exaggerating.