The Day After

I just want to start by thanking everyone for your prayers. I wasn't sure if I could make it through rehab, but I did. There is so much so fresh in mind, I still don't know what to say. I have thanked her up and down for standing behind me this hole time. But Thanks doesn't seem like enough to say to my wife. Even Though she rented another house almost 2 months ago. She is still home. Still here so I wouldn't come home to an empty house. Thank you L. i really need to thank my JR. High school sweetheart, 23 years later we are still friends. I unloaded so much shit on her it wasn't funny. My Family even though they never could come up to visit, i knew that they were there. To my new family I found in treatment. The staff, the counselor's, the other clients. There stories will keep me going, one day at a time. To My HP thank-you for never turning your back on me even though I had my back turned to you all these years. It could of been easy to to write me off, but you saw something inside that I couldn't see.

I stayed in the house all day. Never got out of bed. scared to go anywhere. Skipped morning mediation. Said my prayers lying in bed. I was so scared yesterday walking out those doors. scared now just looking at the outside world. It is still there, waiting for me to have a weak moment. Going to a meeting tonight. Its a meeting that i really don't like, but principals before personality. I'm going there for me.

Home from my meeting. I went to the meeting and my wife went to her Al-Alon meeting. Afterwards we went to Perkins for coffee and desert. Had a great talk, both of us talking. Both of us sharing. It just sucks that it took her leaving to start having conversions that married couples have. I now know that this was my time to stop drinking. I can't keep back and beat myself up that i didn't quite years ago. I feel that now, I know that now! I know so much now, more than I realized that I ever could. I feel great after that meeting tonight. Feel like I Do have a purpose in life and that I am special.

Thurs Before leaving I did my 5th step. I really wasn't ready, but They want you to do it before you leave. I still have to accept the 2nd in my heart, and soul, but in time this will become an everyday part of life for me. When I walked out of Father J.'s office after the fifth step, my counsel was just walking in the door from outside, and asked how it went. I lifted my legs high as I walked out of that office, Stepping over the pile of shit that I left there. Some baggage that I need never worry about again. I left it there, it is gone for good, no looking back and trying to claim it, its gone forever. I felt 500 pounds lighter. I joked around in the community for hours, feeling like a kids again. Jumping on people, being a smart ass, being me. The new Steve. One that I never knew. One that No one knew except for GOD.

My wife wrote me a beautiful poem, Its outlined the pain that I put her through all these years, and how she felt. Later I share that we all of you, but I got that just hours before my fifth step. It made me feel humble. It made me think. It made me whole. I read that poem to my group crying throughout it. It made me think about all the pain I caused her and others. It made me be honest about who I was. Steve the alcoholic. I have had a hard time admitting that without shame. Now its ok. I claim it, I own that. I am that. I went into that 5th step in vising that poem, and left everything I could there. Not wanting to take any extra baggage with. Thanks Father J. for releasing that from me. Thanks all of you.

Peace
Hugs and kisses