Wednesday, November 21, 2007

the next right thing

This time last week I was thinking and thinking and praying for guidance about doing the next right thing. And not being selfish, and putting myself first without hurting other, and most of all doing what is right.

Well being from Northern Wisconsin, Deer hunting a national holiday. My thoughts where consumed about where I was this time a year ago. I was at my bottom, reaching out for somethings, not knowing what. It was just about a year ago that I tried to kill myself during hunting. I was not sure if I was strong enough and ready to hunt. So many things changed from then. I had to find a hunting spot on public land. My son, the youngest this would be his first hunt. His grandfather, my father in law called and wanted to know where "A" was hunting. I told him that "A" wanted to hunt with me, but I knew he would see deer hunting with him. What to do...I asked my wife, if she would go to here parents that weekend and wake him up and get him off in the morning. Her father does not have to patience for that, and from past experience it turned my oldest son off from hunting because of getting yelled at about being late.

Well Last wed I decided that maybe I wasn't ready for this, and "A" would be better off hunting with his grandfather. I had no faith in myself about making it Thur without regrets and without not wanting to use. I drove 3 hours north to drop off all of his gear and gun. That way he could hunt with grandpa. I was pulling out of my parents drive when my wife called and said that "A" would be better hunting with me and she didn't want her father to torture another one of our kids. WOW. I was right. Drove back in a big snow storm. Drove all that for nothing I thought. It wasn't for nothing. My HP was trying to tell me something. Have faith in myself. He knew I could do this. He knew that connecting with my son and connecting with nature is what I needed. I was a drunk before, but not today. He wanted me to enjoy my son's FIRST opening day. And I did. We hunted all day. Laughed and joked around. smiled and do you know what I didn't regret the past.

Happy Thanksgiving...This will be My first one Sober. I might even be able to taste the food this year.

Peace hugs and Kisses

the next right thing

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Lost: MY Program

I have seem to have lost the program that has been been working so good for me these last 11 months. Things are moving so fast towards that one year mark. I have already past one year with something else. It was just a year ago that my wife said this was the last argument she was going to have with me. Enough was enough. I look back and think about that night. I tried being funny, came out sideways and everything was different. If it didn't happen that night it would of been soon, and no more I'm sorries, and I;ll do better would not bring her back. So today a year later where am I? Claiming my part, trying very hard to pick up my side of the wreckage. My problem is the wreckage on the other side is from me. The reactions from her and my kids where because of me and this DZ. I know its there butt They most deal with it. Learn to heal of their own. This is the part that hurts, they are healing, and they don't want me around. My wife I understand, but my oldest hurts the most. I don't think we will ever be ok again. The other day he had a hearing with social services about his problems. I made arrangements for a conference call from Portland. I talked to him the night before, and to make a long story short. I said I wanted to be there. His words are stilling ringing in my ears. "NO!!! I don't want you there!! You have been around lately, but where have you been for the last 16 years of my life. You can't now decide to be my father now. It doesn't work that Way." I told him that I wasn't there for so long. I said the I'm sorry, and I'm here for you now, but it wasn't working. I said I want to be there for you,,,then he hung up on me.

I was lost in an IEKA store in Portland looking for candy that he wanted. I found it and bought it, it was now 9 pm. I remembered looking at a meeting list a 10 pm meeting somewhere in town. I jumped in the rent a car and drove. Driving past the bright neon signs was getting harder by the moment. I was on the phone with a girl that I have been seeing with her giving me turn by turn turn instructions from map quest,,,(to cheap for a TOM_TOM) I found the meeting. a few moments late, but there. It was a someones B-day 4 years. At this group he chairs the meeting, and calls on others to share basically about him. I didn't want that. I needed to share, I needed to be heard rushed thru my mind. It can't be about him. ITS about me today. I need you.

After the meeting I went and hugged him and introduced myself, he apologized about the bragging on going on about him. I told him that it was ok. But in my mind it wasn't. I stood outside, being an outsider trying to get into a conversion. I asked this guys sponsor how to get back towards the airport. To told me then made some small talk. He said something then just walked away. why you bastard rushed thru my mind. I walked away heading towards that car, with a mission. I went to the car getting ready for what I thought would be my last drunk. The meeting didn't help me I thought. I wanted to talk to share. Just as I started the car a lady knocked on the window, said John I think was getting me a meeting list and a phone list. I went and talked to them again. Feeling better about things, not great just better. I left and headed back to the hotel. WITH OUT Drinking.

I felt better the next morning. Respecting my sons wishes I didn't call. It wasn't about me. As I thought that night. I have grown so much in the last six months. Before I would of called, he would of been pissed off. I would of probably said something to that guy who's b-day it was. But today I don't have to. I'm so much better off. I most live in today, and not look so far ahead i will do much better.

hugs and kisses

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Finding myself

Its been over 11 months since I last drank anything. But why can I still lust after its tatse and desire it touch on my lips. Its because I'm an alcoholic who keeps the self talk up. This week I'm in Portland Or. I drove thru the mountains on Sun it was great. Sight seeing all the colors against the snowy mts tops. This was some thing I would never do when drinking. I would be like the est of the people here. Heading right to the bar. But for me stopping after on e or two is not possible. I I went out and explored. Looked at nature. Looked at myself who I am today. I am special and loved for whom I am today. I still might be hated by others for who I was in the past, but I still can not make them forgive me, or go back and change what I did.

So Today I sit in a Hotel alone in Orgeon. Knowing that if for any reason I would not be around tommorrow I am comforted in the fact that I did not hurt anyone Today. In fact I could consider myself lucky to make it today. This morning was a bad moring. I started it over and its OK! I didn't drink I didn't beat myself up for wanting a drink last night. Thought of what I needed to do to fix the problem. The problem is that,,,nothing..The old stinking thinking just wanted to point out that i was different,,,So what...

Gotta run... Going for a drive. A drive SOBER in this great city

hugs and Kisses

PS...If you beat yourself up, you loose the chance to do something great!!!!

Sunday, October 21, 2007

"Don't even think about it!!"

HAppy Sunday to all. Last weekend I had one of the best weekends in a long time. It started out that it was a good thing that I have a program. I left work early to drive back to pick up my youngest son. It is about 3 hours back up north. She gets done with work 5, so I tried to pick a place to meet close to her. A park and ride about 45 mins south of her house. I thought it was at 51 and either A or Hwy 8. Well it was neither,. But I told her that if she got to Hwy 8 before the park and ride to wait there. Well it was further south by Hwy 86. Anyways 1 1/2 hours later she loaded mins on her cell phone and said she was at Hwy 8 and A at a wayside not 51. Ok I can't control that. It was late Friday by the time we got to Appleton. Sat Morning. We putzzed and did nothing.

Sunday Morning. The Packer Game. My boss gave me 2 tickets, well to my son a few Weeks ago on a Sat. I brought him to work, My boss asked him to put together about 100 flashlights to hand out. So he got some tickets in trade. This would be "A" first Packer Game (Yes I'm a bears Fan". We drove to the Game with the owners of the company. Had breakfast at Brett Farve steak house. Walked up and down the roads looking at the tailgaters. No thoughts of drinking. Just bringing in the flavor of all the steaks, brats, and the recking smell of beer. We went in early, he couldn't believe it. Saw Dale Enhardt JR. We were sitting there about 30 mins to kick off, no one there yet. A lady walked by adn yelled "Ice cold Beer." I stood up, what I stood up,,maybe they have N/A beer. He looked over and Said with though little baby blues. "Don't even think about it Dad!" What I wasn't thinking anything, "Liar". Ok. Made it thru the game. Afterwords My boss invited us to Bretts Steak house again for Dinner. He ordered my son Crab legs, I got ribs, they ended up buying. I sat there thinking about the what if's, what If I had that drink, I wouldn't stop. I wouldn't be sitting here talking and being social. I wouldn't have the chance to thank my son. I wouldn't have this job that I love.

So on the way home I called his mom since we were late really late. To Meet here about 1/2 way this time she was to drive 2 hours, but I felt responsible for getting him back late. On the way I looked over and thanked him and he asked for what? I told him thanks for for the kind words you said. He said you're welcome. Did he really know what I meant? I told him thank-you without you knowing it you saved me. He answered "I know" . "You know, know what?" "Dad when you stood up you wanted that drink, I knew, but you didn't need that." I started to cry he is such a great kid. A smart kid.

In a letter from my wife she told me that only two good things came out of 20years together. He was one of them. That letter hurt, it cut right to the bone. But today, I knew it is true. It was the way I was in the past. Not today. Months ago I would of tried to run back to the bottle to forget that pain. Well Not today. I hurt my family, her family, her friends, but today I walk sober, I might not have them here with me, but I pray someday I pray that they can ALL forgive me. As Far as the my wife forgiving me, Hell would freeze over first, the oldest the cubs would have to win the world series. So there is hope. As far as the my youngest he doesn't remember all the bad, but he remembers enough. I fell that he has already forgave me. As far as me really forgiving myself...It hasn't happened yet, but I get better everyday. Time to get a different song on here this is depressing,,walk a little straighter daddy.

peace hugs and kisses

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Which do I choose TodAAy

Lately I am reminded of a story of something that happened in rehab. I have been sitting on this brick wall looking down on both sides of that Wall. One side is a life of sobriety, happiness, friends and family. The other side is relapse, a life filled with pain and misery. The option should be clear. The key word is should be. I work my program, someday I work it well other I start to climb down of that wall onto the relapse side. Most of the time there is a hand that reaches down and grabs me, pulls me back onto that wall. But lately I can not move down of that wall onto the sobriety side. I feel that I'm holding that door open for relapse to sneak back up. Maybe this is one of my charter flaws, not having enough faith in myself that I'm doing it. Walking this sober path.

In the morning I'm faced with the decision which way I want to move. I sit there. I could pray, read the big book, call another AA, I could just go drink, but I choose to sit there on that wall looking down at the options. I guess its better to sit there then to fall onto the relapse side. But what if the wind blows strong from the sobriety side and pushes me into the relapse side. What then. Am I strong enough alone to hold on. The answer is no. I feel that I am running on self will again. I feel into a really good group at an AA meeting. I'm doing what my last sponsor told me to do, keep coming back. I need to find a new sponsor down here, but I'm holding out. For what I don't know. Last night at a meeting someone gave the definition of "ism" as it refers to sponsorship. "I'm sponsoring Myself". That's not good. That really hit home last night.

Yesterday was a bad day, but I didn't run to the bottle, the next couple of weeks are going to be rough, I need to crawl down of that wall and surround myself with fellow AA's. With about a dozen emails yesterday my divorce is almost final.. 20 years together, we we solve it with emails. It's like just hitting delete key, BANG the 20 years of your life never existed. WOW that is harsh. I need you right now to hold me from climbing down of that wall onto the other side. I can't go there. I WILL NOT make it back.

This last weekend while packing up my up-north house I was getting pissed about what she hasn't done. My program worked for the most part. I was getting crabby and yelled at my p's. Later I said something about being crabby and hungry, and my mom said that I wasn't crabby, go back and look at what I was like a year ago, Now that was crabby. It's working if I work it. I just need to work it EVERY DAY! Every minute, every second

hugs and kisses

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

First Off. Thanks to many to calling me out again. I need you. I need AA, and most of all I need my HP. I was out of town of the last week. I needed you, i needed AA and I needed my HP. Guess what you all where here. I could picture your words, hear your advice, and I heard your voices ringing in my ears. I was tested at every corner...

It was the National Convention for the company I work for in Chicago. My home stopping grounds. i was scared and nevourous, nothing but work,,,cocktail parties and dinners, and afterwards drinking. There were about 16 people from the the chain of stores that my boss owns, many of which I never meet yet. There 2 hours and off to the Shed Aquirium. Meet at the door with a hand shake and Champgine. I took the hand. one guy went to get drink and asked what I need Diet coke and what else. My answer without a second though ice. I went on like noithing was wrong with me. thinking that was easy. i later reminded myself of whoo I am. Some of the old habbits came back, the old Steve. i laughed, I smiled, I had fun. the kind of person that you all told me that I could be. For the first time ever I could flirt without needing courage from a drink.

the rest of the week went down hill from there. I remeber calling a my high school sweetheart who lives in chicago also. She wasn't home. Left a message " I had to walk out, I'm at the house of blues, and I almost felt like I was normal. It its been almost ten months, I could have just a few and stop." I called the numbers programmed in my phone, no answer. I looked up and prayed, please help me. I gathered myself up and walked back in. I'm not a normal drinker I can't have one and stop. Another 24 hours in the book.

Back up first night. I was at the aquitrium. Phone ring it was my wife, soon to be ex, but I still repsect her, Her words were short and harsh. "There is no easy way of saying this. A*** (the oldest) was arrested for underage driving, drinking and in possion of drugs while doing 83 without a license." I lost it. I ran for the wash room, cried, once again I blamed myself, he had followed my example. I walked back into the room. Front and center, with no line was the open bar. It was there jusst for me. NO Line the only thing that would of made it a perdect dream was a hot blonde behind the bar. I walked with a purpose to that bar, and it wasn't good. I heard your voices, your doing great, this too shall pass, it will solve nothing. I heard Lush's canadian accent, Sober chicks Calf lingo, the words that I have reaad from all of you. I still walked to that Bar, NOW with a purpose a DIET COKE. I looked up and thanked him. I walked back to the table, wondering what to do now about my son. The phone rang again. It was "L" the kid in jail wasn't my son, he just used my sons name, my son was there but not driving. I looked up again and thanked him. I'm glad that I strong enough not to take that drink, I would of wrecked my life over something that was nothing, and over something that I had no control over...

I will finsh later..I need to spend time with my love...ME..before I go thanks for being here for me today I am greatful that you have been here to guide me to this day. 300 days, in my alcoholic mind that equals 10 months!!!!

I love you allllllllllll


Thursday, September 13, 2007

who I was!!!!

Who I was...From page 6 of " A Guide to the 12 steps of AA"

Fourth Step...Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Again we come to a step that requires courage. One of our chief reasons for drinking was to escape from oursleves. we were afraid of our thoughts and knew we could escape from them through alcohol. We were afraid to face the facts. We were afraid of our jobs, afraid of our families, afraid of resposibility. And we were afraid of thinking about them

So having forified ourselves by taking major hurdles embodied in the first three steps, we find the time has come to actually do something definite about our problem. So very much like a bather diving into an icy lake, we plunge into an inventory of oursleves.

And what did we find? We had been dishonest. We have lied. We have cheated. we have broken hearts. We have stolen. We have slandered others. We have let down emlpoyers, friends and families. we have induluged in extra-marital activities. We have cursed God and Man. We have broken faith. We have smashed most of the laws God and Man. In all, we find that we are pretty sorry, miserable individuals. And every one of these facts can be traced back to alcohol.

To continue the inventory, we consider our physical selves, finding that health is impaired, memory is faulty, appearnace is becoming more carless and slovenly, finances are at a low ebb. And having honestly taken oursleves apart we wonder how on earth people have put up with us all this time.

It is a brave act to dissect ourselves thus. But we are fully compensated in the great feeling of satisfaction we experience in having at last squarely faced an issue. No man in his right senses wants to continue in this manner when he finds out what is wrong with him, so we logically come to the fifth step."

This was me. It sounds like a lot of us in the past, that is what it is...The past. I'm having problems lately with acceptance. yes I'm an alcoholic. But still feel I had a choose. If you haven't noticed I haven't come back lately. I'm scared. Scared that this aa stuff works. It does I have a program. The parts that scared me was on the 9 month. it was 10 months since my wife told me it over, she couldn't let herself get hurt anymore. She needed to care for herself, before she was completely gone. Our marriage had been over for years I knew it, drank to forget it. I tried everything to get her to change her mind. Yes this is a honest program,,,I tried everything. begging, crying, hands and knees, cooking dinner, laundry, finishing projects, talk about not living without her. Then i tried something drastic. Stop drinking that would work, she would see that I still loved her. Today i know the truth. i stopped to try to save my marriage, and yes if she came back before I grew I would be back, back to a life I didn't want. I found my bottom, I walk it daily now, slowly recovering. i have a new job, a new lease on life, a new love and a whole new family in AA. I know this is really working, but there is a part of me that wants to hold onto the past. I know that is not an option. I have done things, been places, smelled and tasted foods that I never knew existed. I have a life today with aa and all of you. so why do I find myself scared. Because you know why. i have failed at just about everything in my life. Is this just one more cloud that I'm on, just at the edge of falling off. All I still see is the wreckage. WOW. You know what that means, it just came to me,,,the good of this. I look down and see the wreckage. looking down from a cloud. My words...I'm out of the wreckage I'm above it, maybe surveying what can be saved, what needs repair, and who needs love.

Wow talk about 180 turn around, I'm smiling,,I am doing good today. I'm still here to talk to you, share my story, and most of all here to bug the living crap out of the rest of the world. I need to be on that cloud holding on, because If I slip I will be right back in the shit. I'm going to call my sponsor now..Yes I have been bad...kept lying to him saying everything is great, he is upnorth, going to make some calls this weekend to find a least a temp sponsor, it might be hard to find someone who will accept me for who i am though. Being a Bears fan in Green-Bay WI is rough...Hey I can laugh today also!!!!!

I Love you all

hugs and kisses

Hey DMC I found my happy thought.... dream it!!!

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Returning to the scene

WOW..What a couple of days. Still sober today. That's is what counts. I'm still alone and lonely but sober. Well I figured out what was wrong the last couple of days. they till you to play that tape back in your mind the whole tape of your last drunk. Not just what we thought was fun, but the entire thing...So here it is.

It was the second Saturday during deer Gun season, only my two boys and I at the hunting land, her families land. The kids didn't know about the divorce yet. I knew that it would be the last time hunting on the land. I started to drink at noon, packing things up. the kids playing PS2 during lunch, we eat good at deer camp. Neither of them wanted to go hunting that afternoon. It hurt really bad. In 2 hours I managed to drink a case. I stumbled out to my stand, one that was broken, that I feel out of the day before sober. Got up in that stand feeling sorry for myself. Knowing what I felt about my life must be true, that I was worthless, no good and just a drunk. I loaded my gun, said a prayer,,,The lord is my Sheppard, I shall not want,,,I placed the muzzle of the gun in my mouth reached down and pulled the trigger. The drunken idiot that I was forgot to load the chamber. Wouldn't make that mistake again, I was getting could feet know. rigged the gun this time when i lowered it it would go off faceing me...that still didn't work. I cried I couldn't even kill myself. i sat and drank my last can of beer i had with. Stumbled back to the camper, Had my youngest with no license drive us to dinner in town. His mother did this often had to drive. I just then realized I was passing this down to My kids.

After dinner I remember lying down in the snow and looking at the stars so quite and peaceful out. I remember asking for help praying for something I just didn't know what. I awoke awhile later to go inside and play with the kids, the kids that I almost left behind. i wanted to quite but how. I bought another case Sunday night, another Monday Tues night at a town board meeting I was pretty lite, a drank my last drink at 8:54 A guy handed me another across the bar I said NO I was done. Put my jacket on and left,,,oh that beer was in my pocket, just in case. Wednesday I meet with a AODA counselor the following Sunday I meet my new Family in AA for the first time.

Well last Saturday I had to go back to that hunting land to get my camper and tree stands off of it. The memories just rushed back, The thoughts of what I almost did to my family friends and wife. It took me a few days to play that whole tape back in my mind, i did the other night. I needed to. i need to stay sober to live, to love to exist today.

Nine months ago i couldn't cry like I cry know. I just hurt then, and hurt now, but now I have faith that it will get better it has gotten better, and with faith in my HP I will not worry about the what if's. He is here with me, holding me strong. You to are here to guide me..

Peace hugs and kisses

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

All of this misery is refundable

I think it a whole lot lately. Last week was nine months. Nine long months of this new life, but still I find the door that I never shut opening back up. Last Sunday I was cleaning my garage out, back up north still haven't sold the house yet. I found a can a beer, warm, yes my mind raced I dumped it out, thinking I have my nine in. Getting my chip in the morning, who would know. would I tell anyone. The the one that lied to cover lies to cover lies to cover me up. I so lost in my thoughts that I don;t know if I'm typing or rambling. My computer crashed a couple of weeks ago, that was fine with me, no blogging, no one to save me, stopped goping to meeting, stopped caring about myself again. I relasped and I just haven't had that first drink yet.

I feel like this is day one all over so scared so alone, so empty. I can't help but bet myself up lately. Kids gone, school starting the oldest saying that he is going to choose to live with his mother and not vist. The lawyers trying to get me to throw mud. My up-north sponsor telling me to remeber what I put my wife throw so let her have what see wants. My heart telling me it can't stand the pain, my brain saying run, but to what to where.

I hurt but I know that having a drink isn't going to solve anything. I learned that much in the program I learned to trust, but why can't i call. I need to find a spomsor down here, i need to find a home group, hell i need to pick up a phone list, I need,,,I need,,I need. But all I want is to forget forget what I learned.

No meeting tonight,,,don't have a phone list,,,prayer and mediation is all I have all I need. i need any alcoholic to talk to I need you, I need the newcomer to remind me that it still sucks out there.

peace hugs kisses

Im going back to look for a few emial address of fellow bloggers for help

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Selfish or self-ish

A few weeks ago at a meeting I talked about spending time at the waterfalls in MI. A guy at the tables talked to me after the meeting. We talked about how it made me feel closer to my HP. He is native American, he was saying that in his custom, waterfalls have important piece of lives puzzle. It is the beginning. It washes and cleanses everything to make them new. For many it is the beginning of life. As I sat and wondered about this on a recent trip, (which I'm lucking I didn't slip). I sat by the waters edge and saw pieces of my life get washed away. I am so pissed at myself and this DZ. I saw my kids lives wash away, their smiles, their laughs, those little quirky jokes. My wife all the hurt and pain I caused, just flushed away. I saw my whole life float away. My family and friends, oh that's right what friends. I did what AA says new play things and play places. I have given up being a volunteer firefighter. I will resign from the town board, since I had to move. I have given up so much for this DZ that all I have is an empty void.

My kids are away this week. Soon they will start school. I will see them even less. My oldest is in Texas visiting her side of the family. Is was suppose to fly back and spend this week with me. He wanted to stay. I said yes. Selfish....or shelf-ish. My sponsor harped on my about this. I have been so selfish during my drinking, that maybe it is time to give back. At times I feel I just want a new start. a new life, ok i'll be honest I WANT A FLIPPING DRINK!!!! Soon it will be 9 months, maybe that's why I'm so scared. It was close to day 30 when SC sent me a email saying don't stop for a drink after getting that 30 day chip. Right now that is all that consumes me. Work and life is so stressful, why would I want to add more shit to it by drinking. The thought of this new life of mine with the emptiness I feel is consuming my body. My evil twin is tapping me on the shoulder asking to be let back in.

I hurt so much today after seeing those parts of my life get washed away. Today I do have a choice. Today I choice to let the cleansing waters wash my hurt and pain away. To give life to a better way. There is nothing I can do to change the past. I can not dwell there anymore. Soon my kids will be starting school, I will not be able to be there to see them afterwards and help them with homework, that is what hurts so much, that was my job, one thing I could do good with my boys. I will find something else.

hugs and kisses

Monday, July 30, 2007

You're Job has been elimanted

Wow!!! What a way to start a Monday morning meeting. The owners of the Wholesalert hat I work for was here from South Dakota this morning. The meeting started out with that they wanted to nip any rumors in the bud before it became public. The line of furnace that I was hired to be the equipment corridnor, and outside sales for, it was determined that they were dropping the line. My mouth hit the table. Here I am in training, inside sales so i gain the knowledge of how this company operated before I hit the road and promise things that the company can not deliver, would an alcoholic do something like that. Well I was assured that I still have a job. the other line that we carry would be out main line now.

The old Steve would of flown off the handle, yelled, screamed, bitched and then asked what about me. Today with my program i listened waited and asked question calmly. The decision was a business decision, for the good of the company. I would not want to think how I would of reacted if I was still using.

I knew right then i needed a meeting tonight. One starts in 45 mins. I went blog stalking right away. Couldn't post. reached out of a fellow AA in the program. I have come far. Still have a longs way to go, but today, doing it one day at time, just keeping it simple is the best I can do.

Talked to my sponsor Sun am, just like every sun am. He told me to find a local sponsor. one that is close just in case. He asked me about my morning prayer. What morning, been doing it in the evening. "That make sense, Pray for guidance and strentgh after the shit hits the fan. How about asking for courage to face today's challenges? Maybe those challenges could be solved before they are problems." I miss his words of wisdom some days.

Well Go ta run. i have my kids this week. The oldest is flying to Texas for 2 weeks on Sat. So this way I can see them for a week before school starts when he returns. We are mending some fences. Tearning down walls piece by piece. Someday fast, someday slow. but progress

Well once a week is getting better. I will be back soonerrrrrrrrrrrrr. Still missing ya-all.

Hugs and kisses

Monday, July 23, 2007

The newcomer

Today I was reminded why it is important for me to go to to meeting. The newcomer. Yes i know at 8 months that's still me, but tonight's meeting there were 3 people there with less than 30 days combined. That was me, that was you, that was us not to long ago. I need meetings, i need the newcomer to remind me that all my misery can be refunded at anytime. Today I awoke alive and sober thats all i have, That is all I need.

It has been to long since I did anything gratitude list.
I'm grateful my HP
I'm grateful for the hands AA
I'm grateful for my family
I'm grateful for my sponsor
I'm grateful for my new family in AA
I'm grateful to discover that I still can't dance
I'm grateful to spend my 1st family function sober, with my grandmother still there to enjoy it
I'm grateful for the newcomer
I'm grateful for all of you that visit my blog, and call be back
I'm grateful for the Loving hands of all of you.

Its been a long time since I really posted. The true raw emotions that consumed this blog in its early days, most of the time I was working thru problems. Today with my problems, I know what to do most of the time, wow does that sound like the promises. Things are still rough getting use to a new life in a new town, but you know what i have something today that i haven't had in a long time. ME. A sober person who is no longer afraid of what might happen, a person that now ,,,ok I won't lie I still don't like change, but i can accept that I can not control its outcome.

I miss all of you. I missed blogging, I missed me. I strayed away, played a little on the dark side, thought I could do this with out meeting, with out talking to a sponsor with out talking to other aa's. I was wrong.

I will be back and keep coming back

Peace, hugs and kisses

Sunday, July 15, 2007

I'm back,

Sorry I have been away for so long. This was not a good thing. I tried to do this on my own. I knoe better than that. I need the hands of aa and you for support. I made it to my first meeting in Appleton since I moved down here. I have had a hard time adjusting to the move from the kids. Teenagers being teenagers. Drunks being drunks. that all i am a drunk, a sober drunk but I'm no different from others. This is going to be short. Kids are here this week. Trying to repair some broken walls with them.

The picture is from the UP of Michigan. This is were I go both in my mind and physically to connect with my hp asking and prayering to do his will not mine.

the other pic is a picture of Sober Steve at his first sober Wedding. Don't worry it wasn't mine. I will be back again. I will keep coming back. I missed you all. i missed My blogger and stalker buds.
peace hugs and kisses

Sunday, June 17, 2007

A Fathers Prayer

Happy fathers day to all the dads out there. My heart hangs heavy on this day. Not only is this the first fathers day i will be sober. It is the first one alone. This is hard I'm scared. I know that you are not supoose to make majot changes in the first year, but moving is not a a choice it is reality. The thing that confuses me is that today is my anniversy. 18 years ago I held the love of my life in my arms and said forever. Today I just hold those thoughts thats all I have.

I wish I had more time to post. It sun moring. Friday drove home to (northern Wisconsin will always be my home) 512 miles. yesterday I packed up and brought a load to Appleton Wisconsin. 438 miles round trip yesterday. Packed some more this morning. Kids are coming over after my aa meeting this morning. Taking them with to appleton for the week to my new house. I know a knew that needs new memories, good sober memories. I feel empty with every trip I make out of this house.

I missed posating last week. I'm going to get around to say Hi to all this afternoon before i pack pc. not sure when I will get internet down south.

Love to all
hugs and kiises

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Running to or from something?

Running to or from that is the question. First Thanks Lush for getting me out to play again TodAAy. Yes its been a week since I posted. can't even say I been busy. Been praying to find find gods will not Steve's will.

Went on a job interview last Thurs. Was up all night Wednesday, thinking, and praying, meditating. I was offered the job they are going to get final numbers back and go from there. It would require me to move. One of the big NO-No's in early sobriety. It feels so right, it feels like this a chance to change to grow a chance for all to heal.

Today is June 12. I am sitting in a hotel in Sioux Falls, SD. It is amazing that AA is the same in SD as in Illinois as in Northern Wisconsin We are a bunch of alcoholics trying to trudge our way through. My mind has been racing with doubt and guilt. My says I'm running from but my heart says I'm running to. Through all of this decision making I still feel that this is right. My HP has put so many people in my life for this not to be the wrong decision. Helping me make this decision was the overwhelming faith of others that i could do this. Arriving in SD my suitcase wasn't even put away before i found a meeting. Today i am grateful for the open and loving arms of AA everywhere. I will catch you all up when i return to my new home in Southern Wisconsin.

Peace, hugs and kisses

Monday, May 28, 2007

TodAAy I am proud of you!

Dear Sober Steve

I just wanted to stop bye and drop you a note. 180 days ago when we meet you were scared and frightened. You wanted to turn to something, but you didn't know what. you wanted a hand to hold, but who's. You wanted, maybe needed help. A choice was there in front of you. That day you choose, you choose a softer and gentle path to walk. You still could not trust. All you knew is that you were tired. So tired, just sick, just sick and tired of being sick and tired. At 8:54 you made a decision. One that changed the course of history. It could not change the past, but with this you had a future. One with sobriety, one with laughter and one with love.

On November 28, 2006 8:54 pm i was proud of you. You pushed away that last drink. You pushed away a another dose of self medication. By pushing, you allowed me into your life. You allowed another answer. We have been through up and downs, at times you did not even see a future without drinking. You were hurting still not knowing who to trust, you went to AA and asked for help. You walked through those doors scared, shaking, just needing to stop the pain. You sat alone on the couch, alone and ashamed of what you become. Feeling like you sank to the depths of the inhuman, unworthy, unloved existence. They asked for the new comer, you shook, so afraid, shaking, you couldn't talk, but I talked for you. I'm Steve. you sat at your first table. Rick, Patty, Steve, Helen, and ????? all talked about what brought them there. The first step admitting we are powerless. finally you spoke. "My name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic" came fourth. your Birth. You talked, cried, cried, wanting to stop the pain. They told you to read the book, don't drink, read the book, and keep coming back. You did, you needed something they had. they smiled, they laughed, they didn't cry. you wanted that life again. Maybe for the first time. you kept coming back, listening sharing, and finally one day you could share without crying, with out shame, without guilt. It doesn't matter how long it took to get to that day, but It was here. It was your life.

Steve you are so worth saving. so much worth the love I have for you today. Your wife, family friends knew you could do this. you wanted to run so many times. you wanted back to try to self medicate again. We stood by your side and told you that we had faith in you. Your wife was gone, your health became an issue, money problems consumed thoughts, but you stood strong. You stood Sober.

So Today 6 months later you have grown. You have began to trust others. you opened your heart to others, you laugh, you smile, you even have fun. Today you can see a life without using. A life worth saving, a life with love and laughter. You are special. You are loved, and when you feel that you are not, just remember that we will love you when you can not love yourself.

With all my love to you

Friday, May 25, 2007

Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."
Our God is an Awesome God! Always know that HE is beside you. In every way on every day.

May peace and Love fill you on this day. May you find the love inside you that your HP has for you. May you walk hand in hand with your HP on this Holiday weekend

Peace to ALL


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Working my program

Working my program. Last night without saying a word I wasn't working anything. I was just doing what I could to say in the moment. To stay in the day, not the past, not the future. My wife,,,it hurts just to say that,,,and I had a counseling appointment last night. It started out bad and just got worse. With everything happening with the house, she might have to move back in and i would move over to my parents so there would only be one payment a month. The conversion got ugly, her letting go of years of resentment, and hurt. I pulled back into myself, just wanting to get up and run away, run to my friend. I just wanted to be numb again. I cried in front of her like I never cried before. i finally spoke, not words but swords, knives right thru the heart. I yelled you don't want to move back in to our house since you would have to leave the Love shack of yours. In all the years of marriage she was never unfaithful. i accused her of it all the time. Would question why it took over an hour at the store. How come she took a long lunch hour. Now I have more trust for her than I ever have. A little late, a lot to late. i yelled at her because it was a defense I used in the past. i was back to that again. I was shaking, i wanted to run, run fast. The counselor asked what i felt,,,what emotions did i feel. i couldn't talk, she asked what I was doing for Steve, and what I was doing to be safe. The answer scared me.Nothing, nothing at all. i have put all my effort into bringing her back that I failed myself. I have been to busy trying to save the marriage and my kids that I forgot about Steve.

I went to a blog this morning,,kicking my monkey and read about her relapse, and how she was afraid of putting others first before herself. I can not afford to do that. None of us can. Believe it or not Al-anon has helped me worry about me, more than the problems with others. I now have two programs my AA program that I deal with my problems with alcohol, and Al-anon where I deal with the problems of alcohol in loved ones. They both mirror each other, but with Al-anon it really focuses on leaving the guilt aside. Saving yourself. But I will not let saving myself hurt others. Thats my downfall of both programs. I still put her and my kids first. They are my life, my reason for waking daily, My Life.

i know talk to my sponsor..Well thats the other problem i need a new one. i need a new everything. Why can't people just like me be. i don't want to call others. i don't want to go out in the world. i just want to grow and figure out who Steve is TodAAy. I need to get out more, but I am scared of what is beyond these doors. I am doing better about getting out. But could be better, should be better. If its not a meeting or town board Bisiness or Fire call i don't leave. I need a life, I need my life back. i want to feel something other than pain, guilt and a quick glimpse of happiness.

It is almost 80 outside, i cut the grass for the first time in years without a drink in my hand. thats says a lot. I am working my program todAAy. i just need to keep the evil twin off my shoulder. Keep all of you with my thoughts and prayers. I need to keep in my mind that my HP has a sense of humor, by slapping me in the face when i lose focus. i need to remember him riding up on his Harley and saying "I love you Steve, just in case no one told you today, i Love you!"


Monday, May 21, 2007

King Baby

Its a new day. A new 24 hours. Look I decided to come out and play todAAy. Yes its because I have kids I have a purpose to be here today. I feel so much like a part of society when I am a father. I still try to be the husband but get pushed away. Thats ok, I have pushed them away for years. Last week in a counseling session with my son he made a comment,,,giant slap in the face. "What family, he has pushed us all away." and later "I liked him better when he was drinking." It hurt, hurt a lot, but as for the last comment, he doesn't like it because now I remember what I told him to do. Now I want to part of their lives. Now i ask them for help. I know it will take time for them to let me back in their lives. It is toooooo late for my wife to let me in, well its never to late, but there is a pile of hurt to overcome there. If I just keep on keeping on and keep being sober Steve things will get better.

One thing I rehab in rehab was about the "King Baby"
In this pamphlet, we learn to identify the infantile King Baby ego within us. Our Childish personality traits must be surrendered before our disease can be fully arrested. the compulsive King Baby personality can accelerate addiction or lead to relapse....

King babies share a wide range of personality traits. None of us has all these traits, but we will probably find many that describe us. King Babies may show these Characteristics.
  • Often become angry or afraid of authority figures and will attempt to work them against each other in order to get their own way
  • seek approval and frequently lose their own identities in the process
  • able to make good first impression but unable to follow through
  • have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized
  • have addictive personalities and are driven to extremes
  • are often immobilized by anger and frustration and are rarely satisfied
  • are usually lonely even when surrounded by people
  • are chronic complainers who blame others for what is wrong in their lives
  • feel unappreciated and think they don't fit
  • see the world as a jungle filled with selfish people who aren't there for them
  • see everything as a catastrophe, a life or death satiation
  • judge life in absolutes: black and white, right and wrong
  • live in the past, fearful of the future
  • have strong feeling of dependence and exaggerated fears of abandonment
  • fear failure and rejections and don't try new things that they might not do well
  • are obsessed with money and material things
  • dream big plans and schemes and have little ability to make them happen
  • cannot tolerate illness in themselves or others
  • prefer to charm superiors and intimidate subordinates
  • believe rules and laws are for others, not for themselves
  • often become addicted to excitement, life in the fast lane
  • hold emotional pain within and lose touch with their feelings

If this was a test to see if I am an alcoholic I would pass with flying colors. It goes on to say how we change these patterns into something good. Gives us a feeling of self worth. Turn these traits over to our HP and let him. For me knowing what drives my ego help me better keep it in check.

The inner Struggle

Understanding King baby is difficult because things are never as they appear on the surface. There are two prime motivating factors: First, the scared, lonely, child who does not want to be hurt anymore and , second, the king Baby who is never satisfied.

I am reminded of the tale of two wolves right now. Which ever one you feed will grow stronger. So taking this list of defects I''m going to go out todAAy and make a difference in the world. I'm going to arrest the defects and be free of them for TodAAy.



Tuesday, May 15, 2007

What I have Learned

167 days of sobriety. Boy I have learned much about myself and this DZ. I have grown in so many ways. I have allowed God into my life. I have allowed everybody into my soul. I have allowed myself to forgive. It is a fact that i cannot change the past, and that i cannot shut the door on it. Part of me wants to close that door to forget the hurt and pain that I caused, the pain and suffering that my wife went thru. Today I know that I can only claim my part. I can only clean my side of the street. It still doesn't make it any easier. 164 days ago While searching for answers on AA web site I found a list of sober bloggers. I found my saving Angel. The withdraws were great I couldn't imagine 24 hours when I couldn't live thru 24 seconds. I quit on my own. no AA, no treatment center no support. But on Day Three I found Sober Chick. She saved me. Ran to the computer every morning to see what see said. Starting blog stalking, leaving comments, you people are nuts went thru my mind several thousand times. How do you think this is going to pass, you don't know what I'm going thru...etc around the first week Scout posted a comment on SC blog about me starting my own, and how it would help. i kept writing, e-mailing post to SC and keeping them.

On Dec 31, 2006 Sober Steve appeared here before your eyes. You have seen me grow, seen the hurt and raw emotions I go thru daily. You all said get a sponsor, goto meetings, listen and no matter what when I see that sign that says Think, Think, think. Just remember that sign is not for me. My life is unraveling in front of you right now. Served with Divorce papers, kids running away from home over drugs. Losing my job. Recently getting foreclosure paperwork on the house. But I didn't run away this time. I cried and thought, thought of the positive. Looked hard to find a bright side. I did see some light, I saw a path, a sober path, a unknown path, but I am not scared to walk down this path. Since I know that I have all of you here to guide me. Hold me up. To love me when I can not love myself. To find the good in every bad thing that happens.

I did find hope in AA. I found love around the tables. I found myself in my heart. I found that no matter what happens, nothing is worth picking up that first drink over. Soon God willing I will have 6 months of sobriety. We will stand back and say do you remember when that Scared Steve didn't trust us, didn't think he was worth saving, look at him now. I do feel better about things when I think them thru. I feel human now. i feel like I am special and worth saving. I feel loved, and most of all I am here for the newcomer.


Friday, May 11, 2007

Very Lonely

Morning all. Where do i start in the mush brain of mine. Tho I feel Lonely I know that I am not alone. I have the have hands off aa, your thoughts and prayers, and most of all I have a HP. Today for the first time I wish that I could just plug the zip drive into my head, and download here. My mind wonders this morning, hard to stay on one subject. My head wants to feel something besides pain, my heart is longing to feel serenity, my body is just aching from the unknown. I was warned that in early sobriety it is a roller coaster ride which implies there are ups. All I feel is the downs,,down,,,down...The ups are there, I just focus on the downs. The ups are the things on my Daily gratitude list. It is that skinny bony little boy that almost missed the bus. It is the troubled teenager that thinks that drugs is his only friend. It is the fact that even if my wife does want a divorce we can still talk. It is the fact my mother will spend another mothers day with her mother in Chicago before coming home from FL. It is all the phone calls I got back on Tues and Wed when my world was falling apart. Ten mins ago I could and you could only see the downs on this ride. I hurt so much that its all i feel some days. But today i choose to feel life. A clean and sober life. One with love and Joy. friends and family to hold me. And most important a life with coffee, brb.......

My son went to a counseling apt. yesterday. He didn't run out, but not happy about it. All in all it went well. He is hurting so bad, he thinks that the only way to find happiness is thru drugs. He is cutting now. Last night after the session, my wife came over here. We spent some time together, showing the boys that we always don't fight, and that things will settle down.

Sat morning now. I'm not going to go into the giant tail of woeeee about money. But yesterday I got one of those certified letters. Notice of default on the house. The house was already in foreclosure. We restructured the loan, with the condition not to be late any more payments, and we are paying a 1 1/2 payments a month. Well Last months payment was 8 days late. We have until the 18th to come up with with the entire amount to bring us current and along with June payment. I made the comment yesterday, that I have been buying new shoes just so the other one could fall. But everyday even though the other shoe may have fallen, I put on another. I got up this morning to figure this out. I am facing the facts, not drowning them away like the old days. I am sober and I know that drinking will not make the mortgage payment, medical bill, put food on the table pay for a lawyer,,,,etc the rest of everyday bills....

Have a great weekend...

PS... Stop by and leave Wagon Rider congrads on 5 months of CLEAN and SOBER time, and of course his wife "estranged wife" for all of her support for J****. the are listed on my links. And congrads to all for another 24 hours...

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Feeling ....

Feelings...I least I know if I am crying I still have feelings. First my son is home. sleept outside all night in the rain, and then went to school. The school cop called me...

Back to feelings. Last night at a meeting we talked about the 9th step.Made direct amends...One person said something that was like a slap across the face. Making those amends to myself. Thats seems like the hardest. I'm losing everything around me due to this DZ and my lack of power over it for years. I I know now that I have turned it over...At times i agree with my wife I had a choose to stop drinking whenever i wanted. The dz was stronger than me, still is. I look at my wedding band and know how strong this DZ is. Just looking at that has kept me sober. Knowing what I have lost to Alcohol. losing my son to another addiction. As Scott usually writes "Keep on Keeping on" that's all I can do today, just keep on keepin on. Stay in the day...Don't pick up that first drink..This to shall pass...

There is a guy that I see every now and then at meetings. Big Biker dude. think he was a shrink in his past life. Some of the things he says makes me wonder is it is god under that leather. He was at a table with me last night After I shared and we closed the meeting he walked up to me and said just in case no one told you today.."Steve I love you" and gave me a hug. It felt like the entire hands of AA were holding me then. And they were

Today ....
I'm grateful for the hands of AA
I'm grateful for my son being home safe and sound
I'm grateful to be sober
I'm grateful for an understanding family
I'm grateful for some much in my life today
I'm grateful that it is 80 outside
I'm grateful that I'm going outside

Sorry I have a boat to get ready for a hot date with boys......


I am grateful that my niece showed my mom how to find this blog. Thinking about this saddens me how she has to read this, to find out how I am really doing. Everybody reading my blog really knows how I am doing, just taking it by the minute, some days the second. I don't think I have told my family exactly how I am feeling. Still trying to be that reslient kid everybody thinks I am. I'm not and never had been, holding it in all these years, drinking to forget. but today i don't have to do that anymore. It hurts, but thats ok to hurt and its ok to cry, its ok to so emtion this is something I never allowed myself to show to others, and is hard for me to do that yet.

peace again

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Warning Floor disappears w/o warning

Just when I thought things could not get much worse they do. Now official estranged wife wrote me a letter to tell me that she filled for divorce. We have been talking and crying together. Making progress, I thought that we still had a long way to go but we were moving forward. Boy did I get blind sided again.

Its 3 am now. My son didn't take the news really good. By the time my wife finally called back from her busy schedule, my youngest talked to her, I went into the oldest room to find him smoking pot again. i told him he was done. Once he talked to his mother I was calling the police. By the time the youngest got off the phone the oldest ran away. That was at ten pm. Its raining outside now. He has texted a few times, but refuses to come home and refuses any help of any kind. My wife won't come home from her meeting either. I was hurt early now I really am, this is about her child, and still her job has to come first.

Please say a pray for him tonight. Say a pray for my wife tonight. As have as for me My hp is with now. He sent my youngest child home sick from school today to be with me after the news. he his sound asleep in my bed. He saved me from being alone today. He saved me from drinking today. ok yesterday.

Hugs and Kisses
This morning after the kids got themselves out the door I went and laid back down in bed, just for an hour I thought. 4 hours Later I went to visit Lush and read the daily reflection, I did have my book in hand just in case she didn't post this morning. Anyways I was sitting there and starting to think about idle hands, idle minds. Thought about how quickly those tools can get turned over for evil if we let them. I let my mind wonder. While in rehab. I remember while in rehab just opening my bible and reading a page and reflecting on it. This morning i was thinking about just that, idle hands are the devils play ground.

So this morning no pity parties not sleeping in all day. This hands are going to be used to do Gods Work. And God wants we to take my kids this fishing, (I hope he doesn't mind me putting words into his mouth today). I picked my boat up out of storage yesterday. The reminder of the difference in time. Empty beer cans all over it. But today I'm going to get it ready for this weekend. Both kids want to go. They are arguing about were to go, but they both want to go. I'm just happy that the oldest still wants to do things with me even though he has had some pretty stiff results from his drug use. So this morning these ideal hands are sipping coffee at noon. Cleaning up the kitchen, and going outside to start preparing the boat for a fishing trip for three special boys. The biggest boy is called Sober Steve.

i am a little scared, fishing is one of the play things that i worry about. I did go ice fishing a few times this winter without drinking, but this is going to be hard for me. When I drank i was not a bar fly. I drank at home or found reasons to drink outside with others. fishing and hunting was one of those reasons. I never drank while hunting, but afterwards watch out. Fishing, it was always a joke to see when i would spill my first beer.

I did start to build a base though the last two years the kids and I did a fathers day weekend fishing tournament. One of the rules was not alcohol in the boats. I never did drink during contest hours, so i know that it can be done. I know that I can do it.

Today I'm grateful to have courage over my DZ, and that I know that I do not have to walk this walk alone. For me this is going to be a long week. My parents are in IL by the rest of my family 300 miles away, slowly making their way back to WI from FL. My parents saw me early in my recovery, I have not seen them since mid Dec. And I was 50 pounds heavier, and a hole lot more scared than I am today.

Tonight I think I'm going to try to open that bible again and find that story about idle hands...If i can't find that maybe I'll look up some fishing stories. Lord know a good fisherman never doesn't like to hear about a good fish tale...

Hugs and kisses

Monday, May 7, 2007

Missing Sober Steve

Last week I didn't feel like blogging, Feel like talking or sharing, but I went on. I was once again feeling like that dry drunk. I don't like that feeeling. Its not me, and not healthy for me either. So I wanted to start this week off right. Its 6am and I'm up, well to be honest I didn't sleep at all last night 15-20 mins at a crack than up for 2-3 hours doze off and awake again. So much going thru my mind. This week I'm setting some goals for me. I need to reach out to people in the program more. I need to be in AA not around it. I need to get more involved in Al-alon to help me deal with my wife and son. Yes last night I went to an Al-alon meeeting and my youngest went to a Al-teen meeting. They didn't beat me either for being the alcoholic. I know its the same steps for both programs, but last week at an open speaker meeting I won a al-alon daily reflection book, and it has helped to put things inperspective about them, ok about us. I just want to say that my wife is really not an Alcoholic, i think that she does drink to much now. i think that it is a problem that she still choices to drink even with what alcohol has done to this family and continues to do to it daily.

This is going to be a busy week so I can not loose focus on me. I have the kids this week so that should help a lot with my isolation. I never last the house last week. Sleep way to late everyday. wouldn't answer the phone. I can't do that this week. Little goals daily. I'm going to blog and share more this week. Yes Ellie even some funny stories about my week. I can have fun, and that's ok to feel good about myself. I need to allow myself that feeling of joy in my life. I need to get up in the morning go to the mirror and tell myself that I am worth it. I am worth that first breath of air. I am special. I didn't feel that at all last week and it showed. I cared myself that way all week.

So today I'm grateful to be alive
Today I'm grateful for the Hands of AA
Today I'm grateful for my sober blog partners
Today I'm grateful for my HP
Today I'm grateful for the chance to wake my boys up for school
Today I'm grateful to be me
Today I'm grateful for meetings
Today I'm grateful that I have a program of recovery

Wow Posted by 6:30 am what a difference a week makes. One thing I did do a lot of last week was write in my mind. Read a lot of my journal from rehab. I missed that Steve that spoke such truth in words. that's the Steve i want back here. Once again a little to late, but I wrote my wife a beautiful poem for mothers day. I have one going in the confines of my head right now for all mothers here in recovery or just visiting. My alcoholic mind will probably post that next Monday,,,lol

Have a Great Monday
Hugs and Kisses

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Today I choose...

Today I choose not to pick up that first drink.
Today I choose to be a sober Father
Today I choose to be here for another alcoholic
Today I choose to let my HP run my life
Today I choose to make it all about Steve
Today I choose to be ME.

Hugs and kisses

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Coffee anyone?

Good morning its the un-godly hour of 1:30 pm. And I just started my first pot of coffee. Yes I know get my ass up and moving. Isolation is not good. I know,, I know,,I know, but I still do it. So back to coffee. If you want any go get it yourself, this is my I forgot this is also an honest program. I seem to have problem with coffee lately. My HP want me to get back or something. Sit back and enjoy this over you favorite flavor of coffee.

The time is about 6pm Thurs night. Sober Steve is busy trying to get the carpeting put down in his bedroom, so he can once again now the freedom of sleeping in a bed. His youngest son, the one who pic has visited this blog before, the one if he was the first child would of bin the only child. the child with a smile that makes you forget why you are mad at him. Steve goes to make coffee, the new goodwill coffee pot seems to spill on the counter when you fill it so lately Steve is using a water picture to fill. Be the true alcoholic that Steve is he is doing 20 things at once and the water picture overflows out the spout across the counter, all over the floor and stove. "Oh shi*" Steve yells. Gets the mop out, and cleans up the mess. No one was injured, its ok he thinks.

About an hour passes and Sober carpet laying Steve asks said child to go and get him a cup of coffee. "A" being the U.N. child is more than happy to help his father. He comes back with a cup and hands it to me with a devilish grin. Steve reaches for the comes and asks why it is empty. "A" tells his dad, "If you want coffee next time how about you use some water for it." Steve jumps over the carpet and chases the child around the house till he is trapped and gives him the water. So lets try this again Steve thinks. I will be smarter this time he says. Uses the coffee to fill it, spills water again, but picks it up. Goes back to the carpet detail, smells the coffee about 45 mins later. No child to fetch it this time. He goes and gets it himself. "Oh shi*, what else can go wrong with this simple task tonight."

For this time When Sober (dying for a cup of coffee) Steve tried this time he never put the pot under the maker. It has that stopper thing a magiggy that stops the coffee till the pot is under it. Well it made 12 cups of coffee the filter holds about 3, so yes you guessed it the rest of the coffeee and grounds all over the counter, stove and floor. I big fricking mess for Steve to pick up, but he laughed, said child came by and laughed, and the two of them went and sat on the couch and laughed and watched TV.

So today I look back and reflect about how far I have come in this program. At first I thought about how using using the steps and the program of AA helped me with this one. Well it is evident that my HP didn't think I needed anymore coffee. I didn't get mad and blame anyone else. I didn't get made and throw things. I realized that I made a mistake, I'm human and I forgave myself. things happen, drunk or sober, some good some bad, but nothing is really worth picking up that first drink over. The most important thing i did about that whole thing was the ending, sit down and enjoy my sons company, not working with him but sharing my time with him. Enjoy the little things in life they may end up to be the biggest thing in your life todAAy.

Hugs and kisses

PS. This was not my first post for today. I delted the first one saying that I didn't feel like posting, because all I can do lately isolacte and kick myself,,,,etc,,bad day

just todays reading in a book someone gave me "Daily Meditiation Is for MEN"
We've had problems in our lives with limits. We have done some things to excess and others we have endlessly postponed. Sometimes we haven't had good judgement about what we ought to tell someone or whom we ought to tell. We may have kept secerts that made us lonely and sick. other times we exposed too much inappropiate situations and hurt someone else or ourselves. Developing these internal limits is a quiet change that comes with recovery. Gradually, we gain a stronger feeling of self-respect and become more intuitive about when to express something and when not to.

Secerts are links in our chains of bondage toisolation, addiction, and codependency. Yet, when we are compelled to tell everything, we lack feeling of self containment that comes from maturity. We need a sense of privacy which is the freedom to choose what and when to confide in a friend. What does our intution tell us today about our privacy and our openness?
Today ... I will Listen to my inner messages about what i need to discuss with others and when I need to withhold

Saturday, April 28, 2007

I'm Grateful...

Morning ya all. Instead of funk happening, its hill billy twang. I feel really good this morning. Its 7 am and I'm out of bed and moving around. 4 hours of sleep, probably because I didn't get up yesterday till 5 pm. I am allowing to much time for that depression to sneak back up. One reason I think I feel is that I stood up for myself with my wife. We were suppose to come up with boundaries, she came up with some good ones. Me I felt the best boundary I had for her was none. She lived by my will for 17 years. She would only do what I do her to do, and when. By her working her program, and me not being good to Steve, It allowed her to walk all over me. I stopped last night. No more. I am worth it, I'm not a piece of shit like she wants to treat me. For weeks I told I her that I didn't want the kids this weekend. This was my weekend for turkey hunting down south. It was another home show for her. Well I wasn't invited turkey at her uncles since we a separated. So she assumed that I would take the kids. Thurs during an 1 1/2 hour fight I told her I wasn't taking the kids Friday night, and Sun I'm going to a trap shot, open speaker meeting Sat. Last night was the group that I really don't like meeting. Home group night. They meet twice a week in town so i thought about trying them for a home group. Coffee afterwards at Perkins. Well guess what I caved in and took the kids. the oldest is not being left alone for longer than an hour right now. So no home group coffee after the meeting last. Why, so she could stay after her home show and drink, oh they call it networking. This week I started to stand up for myself, last night when she got home and I called her, she tried again, and no I'm done with being used as a floor mat.

I screwed up before. I wasn't the best husband or father that I could be. That was yesterday. All I have is today. Today I choose to be the best father, and separated husband that I can be. Today even though she thinks other wise I'm special and loved. I'm not the piece of shit that she makes me out to be. I know that it is pain and anger talking with her, but I need not take it.

Have a great Saturday. Get out and enjoy the day.

I'm grateful for the Sunshine
I'm grateful for DMC listening to my babbling last night
I'm grateful for my HP never turning away
I'm grateful for my boys being here last night
I'm grateful for 150 days of sobriety, 5 months!!!
I'm grateful for high speed Internet
I'm grateful to be blessed with understanding blogging peeps
I'm grateful,,,God has a sense of humor,,its raining outside
I'm grateful that it is not my job to make it rain or not
I'm grateful that I have found a back bone again
I'm grateful that I did this list again without coffee yet
I'm grateful that it one more closer to see my parents
I'm grateful for the program of A.A.
I'm grateful that you don't need a passport to talk to an AA in Canada
I'm grateful for Koninia treatment center
I'm just grateful today of the air that i breath , the ground I walk on, and sky above my head.


Should of posted this earlier. Its 2 this afternoon. Everything i learned about being humble, and being patient. Went out the window this morning. My wife took of the gloves and world war started here. I wouldn't back down from wanting here to at least say thanks for watching the kids last night, and changing my plans again so she could get what she wanted. She showed up to pick them up. Told her i now have them today. Lots of words, then she thru her ring at me. The good thing is that I didn't drink. i can not control her. My son told her that it bothers him that she still drinks. Maybe hearing it from him will help.

I am grateful that She has a HP also
I am grateful that she is alive
I am grateful that I still love her, no matter what
I am grateful that there is hope for her

Thursday, April 26, 2007

We don't get to choice when

"You don't get to choose when its time to be a parent. You choose if you want to be a parent and stick with it. I will bail your ass out this time. But if you allow him back in this house. you deal with the good as well as the bad. Or don't be a parent. Just because you are now Sober Steve doesn't give you the right to show up now and be a father. you lost that right a long time ago. Now earn it back!!!!"

Some pretty strong words from my wife last night when she picked up my son. i did tell him I couldn't have anyone using around me right now. Told him that i loved him, but this is a sober house and he broke the rules again. He had to leave. that was by far the hardest thing that I have ever done. The hardest thing I ever said. The next hardest was hearing those words from my wife. I have never heard more thruth in my entire life. Today I am sober, that does not make up for the time i lost with him. Today i am being the best that I can be. that does not repair all the hurt and anger caused during my using. i can only promise that today i will be a sober father. The best sober father filled with love that I can be. I can only lead by example. in time I hope that he can forgive me for the lost ime in his life.

Last night was rough went to my AODA group meeting at five. by the time it was my turn, watch out flood gates opened. Talked about my sister, my son, and yes i talked about GOD. And how I turned my back on him during my using, but is still here for me today. Was always here. talked for 45 mins real raw emotions. I cried like i never cried before. It felt good to flush out the pain. allow new growth in my heart. With a few phone calls after group I got a crisis bed at the rehab center I went to. i went to a safe place last night. I went home in a sense. This morning I did have a whole new look on things. It was hard to do what i did, but my son has had chances, and still choice to use in my home. i didn't look the other way this time. I stood up for myself and yes him. No guilt or shame feeling this morning. Sat in a few groups and talked and talked. Had a 1-1 with a retired priest that is on staff there. He lost his job because of his drinking, he still serves God, just now in rehab instead of a church, God is everywhere. i feel great

My son is here, we are talking. It is small steps. I can't a not allow anything to effect my sobriety, but that really doesn't mean that I have to turn my back completely on him.

Thanks for the prayers, they worked. I am going to go sit and talk to my boys some more tonight. I going to hug them goodnight like they have never been hugged. As my sponsor told me tonight. I have to give them all my love today, because there is no guarantee that i will have a tomorrow.

Hugs kisses
A Lot of LOVE to you all

Steve, the one that choose to be a father during the good and bad!!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Dedicated to the one I Love

I'm going to try to get thru this post. I said for a couple of weeks that I have been in a Funk lately. So much has gone wrong in my life. Every time I feel that I can not loose anymore something else is taken away. For every step i take forward I fall three backwards. I'm not sure how much sense I'm even making right now. Last night i wrote a pretty dark blog post. Wrote another one later trying to get to the root of my problem lately. I have lost so much to this DZ that I am willing to go out and start drinking again. Why. Cunning baffling powerful. Yes its all that, but I just want to forget. Forget the hurt the pain, the misery.

Here's what I have figured out last night. My pain started all over again a couple of weeks ago. Friday the 13th. No its not an old wives tale. It is a day that Satan rules my family. I left the back door open and Satan appeared in my heart, and is making residents there again. My older sister Sandy was born on Friday the 13th. At age 7 was diagnosed with leukemia on Friday the 13th. Died on a Friday the 11th. There are more things that happened to her and my parents on those Fridays, but you get the drift. For years my mom never went anywhere on that day. Wouldn't travel, drive work. For years I never understood. When i started to understand all I could feel was pain and anger. I was 2 years old the only memory I have is carrying soup upstairs to her, and yes spilled it all over her. My mom was pregnant with my little sister at the time. Needless to say she is spoiled.

For years once I grew older my anger grew deeper. How could this god take my my sister. cause this hurt, take a child in her youth. i brought this up in fourth step 37 years of resentment. It hasn't helped. The hate and anger is still there. It is hard for me to pray without resentment . Still find myself asking why,,,why,,why. She was taken before i even got a chance to know her. For years I promised myself my first daughter was to be named after her. Sandra Lynn. Well that god of mine didn't like that plan, he gave me two beautiful boys that I wouldn't trade for the world. So today all i have is hate and anger again. Friday the 13th in April her Birthday.

Funny my boss called me in to talk to him on that day. i thought maybe I was going to get my job back. My brother asked why I didn't wait till Monday to go. Well no job back, and they are fighting my unemployment. Caulk up to another loss to Friday 13th. i know that life is still life sober, and i will have bad days. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm just tired now, tired of fighting everything. Fighting to save myself, wife, kids.

Thats the next issue. In rehab the stressed the point to stay away from using people friends, and even family. My soberity most come first at any cost. This weighs heavy on my heart. My wife still drinks, but not that much anymore. The killer is my son. he traded his ADHD meds for some pot again. At 11pm i went into his room and he was stoned. I told him when he got caught smoking pot on our trip to Chicago that I couldn't have that around me. This was to be a sober house. So now tonight I have to tell him that I love him but he can not live here anymore. Its not fair that I get myself back for this family now i have to turn my back on him. I'm not sure i can do this. I Stopped and bought a bottle the other day to give me strength. How stupid is that.

So Sandy i know that you look over me, watch over my family. please help, not for me I have wasted my entire life, he is still young. Please help him go over and grab God and help this young man. Turn him around so he does not follow down my path. Give me strength to stand strong tonight. help me for another 24 hours.

Hugs and Kisses
your little brother

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Just hanging ON

This is how I have been feeling the last couple of weeks. Just hanging on. But I am hanging on though. This is a skyscraper in Chicago he is up about 70 floors. I have been working on a couple of issues lately. Once I get them figured out I will be back, I need to work through them on my own without blogging. Its not that I don't want you all to know, but i need to figure this out on my own first, before throwing you some ideas.

I have been posting and deleting trying to get to the root of the problem. Part of the problem is that I went and stopped and bought a bottle the other night. I was ready to do the stupidest thing I could. The problem isn't about my wife either, thats doesn't help things, but its much deeper than her. I know that there is nothing that drinking will make better. I'm learning. I did pick up that phone today and it helped. Needed a meeting today though. missed two of them. Going to stop by the treatment center tomorrow.


Hugs and kisses


Monday, April 23, 2007

I should be picking up the phone or going to a meeting. I'm in that funk mood again. I had a great weekend. Didn't get everything done that I wanted to, but thats ok. Room is really starting to look good. ...

I'm not sure if I want this anymore. Sobriety that is. I know that if I start drinking again i know where I will be. Last night I caught the tail end of Bruce Almighty, where he lost his girlfriend and was talking to god. God told him to pray to really pray for what he wanted. It sounded so much like me praying for my wife. "All I want is for her to be happy, for years she has stood by my side as I turned my back on her. She has waited so long for me to return, that all she can feel is pain. God all I ask for is that she is happy, and if that means it is without me, let it be. I Love her that much, that her happiness is all that is important to me" well that might not be exactly how it was said in the movie, but sure is what I say. My oldest son came out when that part was on and saw me crying gave me a pat on the shoulder and said its ok. For him and I that was huge. All I want is happiness again.

I LOVE HER and hate myself, and I think drinking will solve that. It will surely make me loose any progress that I have made in my life. I know that this will pass, have faith. I do. I need to get out of the house and do something. I'm really bummed that I cannot go turkey hunting this week. Since we are separated I'm not invited down by her uncle to hunt this week, it hurts, not even invited to brothers son first communion this weekend either. Her parents didn't even give me a B-day card. there i go BO-who, poor Steve. I just feel like crap today. Part of it is painting. I always go sick whenever we painted. My wife would blame it on how much I drank, combined with the fumes. Well guess what, no beer last yesterday, and i was still sick. Its the paint. Well it helped to vent today. I need to finish my room, curtains got here today, couple of walls left to paint, and carpet to go down. My wife stopped and saw it yesterday, was she shocked loved the color on the back wall behind the bed She says barn red I call cranberry the other walls are off white, the curtains on the opposite match the red color. I just wish that her stuff could go back up in here when I put the room together again. enough of that.

God thank you for another 24 hours and please give me the strength to resit today.

Thursday, April 19, 2007


Progress for Today, so maybe I did set a goal for me today. No blogging till I cleaned my room and cleared of the bed. Its a king size bed, there was just enough room for me to lie down if I rolled I rolled off. I guess it was my way to be safe, so I didn't realize that I was there alone. I have been busy until yesterday 19 days, 21 meetings. I blew one off last night to go to a meeting with my father-in-law about improving hunting lands. Slept in this morning and missed another, but i am working on Steve. Doing things for Steve. Saying things to my wife about my feelings that piss her off, but i can't just sit back and get walked on any more. Progress!!!
The picture is me getting sworn in at the town hall after winning the election for town board supervisor. My youngest son, who looks thrilled, is holding my new bible that I got while in rehab. "I Steven P. Gr..... do swear to support and defend the Constitution of the United States and the State of Wisconsin...." WOW talk about Progress. Campaigned from

I ordered curtains for two rooms, and ordered carpeting for the master bedroom. finished putting trim up in the sun-room and finished the Living room. Called a friend up and invited her and her kids and neighbor (who is an interior decorator) to take a road trip this weekend and give me some ideas, or else there will be dead animals on every wall. lol. I'm a big hunter and fisherman. It one o'clock and I'm almost done with cleaning and laundry. Progress!!! I sat in the hot tub last night and relaxed. looks up at the stars through the sky lights and was amazed on how little we really are. sat there for a reflected on the person I want to be. The person that I am turning into right before your eyes. I feel great about this person. Not only did I loose the alcohol induced person, but he took just about 55 pounds with him. I need all new clothes, since they are falling off me. Progress!!!!!

Tonight when my boys get here I'm taking them to Rhinelander shopping about 30 miles away. I would never leave so late in the day before. Because I would of had to much to drink by 4 pm to drive that far, shop and come home again. I am going shopping for clothes for them, not me,,progress!!!!!!

I am going to another resume' writing class in the morning to tweak the final copy to send out. Although I love to blog and chat to all of you, it doesn't pay rather well. I will be careful though about doing to much to soon. Steve does come first. Progress again.

So if any of you are bored this weekend, feel free to drop on by. I have plenty of paint brushes and things to do. Sorry this all about Steve so not pink rooms or "pretty" curtains. And not all of my dead animals are going downstairs to the Basement. Progress I said that some could,,,lol!!

Hugs and Kisses

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

What time is it.

Good Morning. It's 7:45 and I'm out of bed, showered and shaved. Morning cup of coffee. Still have daily mediation to do, but I'm up and moving. I had a great evening yesterday. i will stop back and update you all later. It was some 12 step work of sorts. An AODA forum about teenage alcohol and cig. use in the community. And what could the community do to stop or curb it. As an addict I brought some great ideas out. An Irish friend of Bills said she lives for service. I see why. Goto run for now, will post later. Going to a resume writing class at the job center this morning

Ok I'm Back in more ways than one. I have been in a funk the last couple of days. So much happening in my world I just couldn't put my finger on it. This song means so much to me. "God is Great, and sometimes life is not good... You can love a person with all your heart for all the right reasons, and they can choose to walk away. Love them anyways" That is two fold for me, i love my wife with all my heart, and it just tears me apart to know the "what if's". All I can really do is to love her anyways. For years it seemed like there was no reason for God to love. So many things I have wronged him. Sinned against him and his word. But still he loved me anyways, no matter what I did. His out stretched hands were never pulled away. I may have pulled away, but he never withdraw his love.

I have for the last couple of days been living on that pity pot. Not blogging. Feeling like all I was doing is whining and spreading disappear instead of the message of AA. That there is hope and things will and do get better. They do and I know that. I'm living that today I was living that yesterday I just choose not to believe it. I didn't drink. Sometimes that is all the hope I should need, not some big miracle. I didn't drink todAAy. Its been 140 24 hours now, I am proud of that. What a message is that.

Ellie sent me some Bible passages. The funny thing is that before rehab i didn't even own a bible. I never knew how to find things in it. The only bible versus I could remember was the 23 Psalm. I wanted that at my funeral. Several months ago, I tried to say it as I was attempting suicide I couldn't remember the words, couldn't find a bible in my hospitals room, found one later. So now I know what and how to look things up in the bible, gone to a bible study class. Pray, still not as much as I should, but its progress not perfection. I know that even thinking about suicide is a sin, never less the outcome.

God does have more in store for me, more to be reviled later. Maybe last night when I introduced myself to a crowd of local lawyers, doctors, police, AODA, church leaders and other concerned parents that "My name is Steve and I'm an Alcoholic, and I'm here in hopes that the teens in our community especially my boys will not follow the path I traveled down." It wasn't that hard to say in front of 50 plus people, most of them not addicts. So maybe that was one reason why I'm still here today. there are so many, I know one big reason is my boys, and no matter what I will always be their father, and todAAy I'm a sober father.

I sing...I dream... I love...Anyways....
Hugs and kisses