Lately I am reminded of a story of something that happened in rehab. I have been sitting on this brick wall looking down on both sides of that Wall. One side is a life of sobriety, happiness, friends and family. The other side is relapse, a life filled with pain and misery. The option should be clear. The key word is should be. I work my program, someday I work it well other I start to climb down of that wall onto the relapse side. Most of the time there is a hand that reaches down and grabs me, pulls me back onto that wall. But lately I can not move down of that wall onto the sobriety side. I feel that I'm holding that door open for relapse to sneak back up. Maybe this is one of my charter flaws, not having enough faith in myself that I'm doing it. Walking this sober path.
In the morning I'm faced with the decision which way I want to move. I sit there. I could pray, read the big book, call another AA, I could just go drink, but I choose to sit there on that wall looking down at the options. I guess its better to sit there then to fall onto the relapse side. But what if the wind blows strong from the sobriety side and pushes me into the relapse side. What then. Am I strong enough alone to hold on. The answer is no. I feel that I am running on self will again. I feel into a really good group at an AA meeting. I'm doing what my last sponsor told me to do, keep coming back. I need to find a new sponsor down here, but I'm holding out. For what I don't know. Last night at a meeting someone gave the definition of "ism" as it refers to sponsorship. "I'm sponsoring Myself". That's not good. That really hit home last night.
Yesterday was a bad day, but I didn't run to the bottle, the next couple of weeks are going to be rough, I need to crawl down of that wall and surround myself with fellow AA's. With about a dozen emails yesterday my divorce is almost final.. 20 years together, we we solve it with emails. It's like just hitting delete key, BANG the 20 years of your life never existed. WOW that is harsh. I need you right now to hold me from climbing down of that wall onto the other side. I can't go there. I WILL NOT make it back.
This last weekend while packing up my up-north house I was getting pissed about what she hasn't done. My program worked for the most part. I was getting crabby and yelled at my p's. Later I said something about being crabby and hungry, and my mom said that I wasn't crabby, go back and look at what I was like a year ago, Now that was crabby. It's working if I work it. I just need to work it EVERY DAY! Every minute, every second
peace
hugs and kisses
Steve
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6 comments:
Keep working at it--it works.
Glad you are back. Still proud of you.
I liked this post a lot. I don't feel like drinking, but I hear ya about the not knowing where to go when I am having a bad day.
It's good to hear you.
steve, thank you so much for the call yesterday, REALLY made my day!
Hang in there man, it isn't all fun and games, but the result of working through this stuff is so much better than creating more wreckage by drinking again!
You will make it through, even though it is rough. You will not go back, only forward and rebuild your life. Your blogger friends are here when you need to talk or just need support.
Miss you.
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