Wednesday, February 28, 2007

HP Answers

WOW, where do I start. Treatment has been a great emotional roller coaster ride. Every time I thought it couldn't get worse it did. Another layer of shame and hurt uncovered. In 27 days in treatment I uncovered so much hurt, and pain that death did sound like a option. But I did not keep that option open for long. I do have so much to live for, like another 24 hours. I have found a new person under all that hurt and shame. I person that was buried years ago. A better person than I ever knew existed. A much better loving and caring person. A person who cares about what he did and how it hurt others.

When I walked out of treatment on Monday I thought it was for all the right reasons. Without going into a real long story, and he said and she said. Last Thurs i was to start fasting and drinking some fluids to flush my body for a surgical procedure on Fri. My Doc said that I needed my own bath room once I started this between 1-3 pm. It would take 6 to ten hours for it to run it course. My wife would have to leave work to pick me up. She really didn't want to. She called my counselor and asked if their were any medical reasons why I couldn't wait until 6 to be picked up and drive home 45 Min's then. He said no none at all, even though my doc told me to be home a detox room, or admit myself to the hospital. I called my neighbor to pick me up at 2pm. When my wife got home and saw how much pain and physical shape i was in felt bad, and was mad that he told her to need to pick me up. MY DOC thought so, but he was smarter than him. I went in and asked for a counselor change on Monday after the returning back to rehab. I was told they could but only after another week with him, since a counselor was on vacation. I swalled some pride and said OK. He started in right away about him calling my wife and checking up on me, attending family group with my kids, and participating in my recovery. My wife made it clear to me over the weekend how she felt talking to him, twisting her words back to me, her giving guarded responses she he couldn't twist them into something that they were not. This was my recovery not hers. Once he tried to drag my family back into this pain all over again. I put my foot down. I said they have been Thur enough, I guilted my wife into coming down to family group with the kids. It put her and them Thur so make pain, I couldn't do that again, So I walked. I did something for my family, instead of me, and it felt right.

So today about 3 hours ago I was getting ready to post. wasn't sure what to write without sounding negative and self beating about failure. This would be hard I thought. I really wanted to finish this to show myself that i could finish this one thing I started. The phone rang and it was the director of the treatment place. Talked to him about my issues and concerns. About how I felt and my wife felt. Told him that i was also partly to blame for not telling my counselor 100% of the test procedures I was having on FRI, and the prep needed on Thurs. I gave him what I felt was need to know, but left copies of the docs instructions with the house staff. i never followed up to make sure he got them. He then offered me a chance to come back and finish treatment next week when the other counselor returns. I jumped at that chance. A chance to Finish this. My prayers were answered another chance.

So this new chance Starts next Tues March 6, 2007 at 9 am. This is going to sound, well like someone had a hand in this. I was born on March 6, 1967 at 9:07. i will be entering rehab almost exactly 40 years after my birth. I get another birth this day, to do with it as I want, to make it something. To start over with a fresh slate. A drawing that I can only draw with help from HP and all of you behind me.

The one thing I forgot to say to myself on Monday with all the talk about failing. "Good job Steve, you made it 90 days without drinking, how special is that!!!!"

Monday, February 26, 2007

I walked Today

I will post later. I walked out of rehab today. One more thing i failed in my life. I am not staying on this pity pot long though. Meeting tonight. Called my sponser. Called my AODA counslor. 90 Sober TODAY< Just another 24 hours!!!

Sorry for letting everyone down

Sunday, February 25, 2007

In Recovery?

Recovery is exhausting. Its hard to believe that it is Sun Afternoon. I came home on a weekend pass. I had to go into the Hospital Fri For some tests, so I came home to recover for the weekend. I was so scared Wed and Thurs when they told me I had to have these tests. But instead of worrying, i found myself doing something different. I prayed, I turned it over to my higher power. Me praying who would of thought that would ever happen. I have grown so much in rehab. I find it completely exhausting. There is so much hope for me I have to focus on that, and that alone. I still find it hard to focus on me and not my failing marriage. I keep saying I must fix myself, before I can any help to others. They are just words at times. My heart breaks daily when I relive the pain I caused my family, the thoughts of how I scared them emotionally. I know I most worry about me, I am getting that. Slowly I am getting better.

I wrote my wife many poems in rehab, I sit back and think of this sweet caring loving man who thoughts make me cry at sight of these words. Where was he for so long. Why couldn't he get here when my wife needed him the most. Why did it take her leaving to come back. Why, its to late to answer that, Just to late. Here is one that I can share with you. By the time most of you read this I will be sober for Ninety Days.


Control friend or foe
Do we ever really know
Sometimes it is good
Sometimes it can be bad
which in turns makes my wife sad

Sometimes control is needed
but warning signs should be heeded
We should be careful in our voice
Since for others we made that choice

So Today when I awake
I will give thanks for havens sake
For i know I'm not at the wheel
I will sit back and not make a deal
And just except that fact
That GOD really does have my back

Love Always

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Sending hugs to all my Valentines

Hey recovering Peeps. Just had a great work out the Y. SC you better watch out. My spirts are much higher this week. Day 15 Now. When I meet my HP we are going to have a long talk. They say God never throws anything at you that you can not handle. I really thought there might be a break between those curve balls though. But I'm still swinging at them. I'm not giving up. I'm stronger than I realized. I just didn't believe in myself, when others did. So I only have 15 mins at the computer at the Y so this will be short. BUT sweet. Just like all the prayers, and wishes. I have been hitting the floor with hands folded kneeling by the beside nightly and giving thanks to my higher power. And in the morning just asking my HP to help get me through the day without quiting or drinking.

Well I goto run,,really run. Have 10 mins to get back to rehab. This is neat that I can come over to the YMCA. I'm getting back in shape, and feeling great about it. Hope you all have a great Valentines day. Hope to chat again soon. I'm cooking Thurs so it will probably be this weekend before I can post again.

Hugs and Kisses

Wednesday, February 7, 2007

Eight Days in Rehab

Hey peeps. Whaz up. Ok this is a front. I'm at the YMCA right now. i can come over here for an hour a day for excise. So this will be short. This is harder than I thought Physically and mentally. I had my bags packed and ready to Walk Sunday night. I stayed. My mind is not here. My wife rented a house, and is starting to move out. My mind is there now. I have been trying to get it back into the program, but it is hard. Today is better. Keeping my spirts up. I couldn't wait to get over here to read and post comments to you guys. I have been praying daily just like when I was a kid. my sponsor told me to start hitting the floor daily. It has helped. Sun night when I was all worked up a retired Pasteur who works there, came into my room we talked for 3 hours. At 4 am he said a prayer asking God to help me sleep by lifting some of my burdens off of me. So I could get the needed sleep I needed. It helped.

Well I will post more later. I want to go vist your sites. Thanks for the prayers.

Hugs and Kisses