HP Answers

WOW, where do I start. Treatment has been a great emotional roller coaster ride. Every time I thought it couldn't get worse it did. Another layer of shame and hurt uncovered. In 27 days in treatment I uncovered so much hurt, and pain that death did sound like a option. But I did not keep that option open for long. I do have so much to live for, like another 24 hours. I have found a new person under all that hurt and shame. I person that was buried years ago. A better person than I ever knew existed. A much better loving and caring person. A person who cares about what he did and how it hurt others.

When I walked out of treatment on Monday I thought it was for all the right reasons. Without going into a real long story, and he said and she said. Last Thurs i was to start fasting and drinking some fluids to flush my body for a surgical procedure on Fri. My Doc said that I needed my own bath room once I started this between 1-3 pm. It would take 6 to ten hours for it to run it course. My wife would have to leave work to pick me up. She really didn't want to. She called my counselor and asked if their were any medical reasons why I couldn't wait until 6 to be picked up and drive home 45 Min's then. He said no none at all, even though my doc told me to be home a detox room, or admit myself to the hospital. I called my neighbor to pick me up at 2pm. When my wife got home and saw how much pain and physical shape i was in felt bad, and was mad that he told her to need to pick me up. MY DOC thought so, but he was smarter than him. I went in and asked for a counselor change on Monday after the returning back to rehab. I was told they could but only after another week with him, since a counselor was on vacation. I swalled some pride and said OK. He started in right away about him calling my wife and checking up on me, attending family group with my kids, and participating in my recovery. My wife made it clear to me over the weekend how she felt talking to him, twisting her words back to me, her giving guarded responses she he couldn't twist them into something that they were not. This was my recovery not hers. Once he tried to drag my family back into this pain all over again. I put my foot down. I said they have been Thur enough, I guilted my wife into coming down to family group with the kids. It put her and them Thur so make pain, I couldn't do that again, So I walked. I did something for my family, instead of me, and it felt right.

So today about 3 hours ago I was getting ready to post. wasn't sure what to write without sounding negative and self beating about failure. This would be hard I thought. I really wanted to finish this to show myself that i could finish this one thing I started. The phone rang and it was the director of the treatment place. Talked to him about my issues and concerns. About how I felt and my wife felt. Told him that i was also partly to blame for not telling my counselor 100% of the test procedures I was having on FRI, and the prep needed on Thurs. I gave him what I felt was need to know, but left copies of the docs instructions with the house staff. i never followed up to make sure he got them. He then offered me a chance to come back and finish treatment next week when the other counselor returns. I jumped at that chance. A chance to Finish this. My prayers were answered another chance.

So this new chance Starts next Tues March 6, 2007 at 9 am. This is going to sound, well like someone had a hand in this. I was born on March 6, 1967 at 9:07. i will be entering rehab almost exactly 40 years after my birth. I get another birth this day, to do with it as I want, to make it something. To start over with a fresh slate. A drawing that I can only draw with help from HP and all of you behind me.

The one thing I forgot to say to myself on Monday with all the talk about failing. "Good job Steve, you made it 90 days without drinking, how special is that!!!!"