Thursday, October 2, 2008

and we made direct ammends, whenever possible

The one thing I hear over and over when a person slips, relapse, or just quits trying is one of two things, they stopped going to meeting, or the resentments got to them. They didn't deal with a problem or situation and it ate away at them until the battle with the bottle won out. I have an amends that is so hard to make. On the surface it won't cause harm to anyone, won't end me up in jail, but I am scared. I can't imagine ever being forgiven or accepted for many who follow this already know who I am talking about, it's not my kids, my family, my x-wife it is myself. I feel that I am holding on to this for a reason to get my mind spinning out of control, another reason to feel sorry for myself to isolate, to be pissed at the world.

I know that I am really, really really hard on myself for the pain I have caused myself and others. I face that fear everyday, yes I said fear I am afraid if I listen to what you have told me, I will forgive myself and go on to live some sort of happy life. I don't deserve that,,,,yet. Maybe tomorrow but not today. It pisses me off I looking at buying a house and moving on with my life. Being happy without my kids living with me.

At times I feel I don't deserve to be happy or even sober, I don't want to go back and drink I just don't want to be happy, Hey thought I wasn't happy when I drank,,lets have a drink or two goes Thur my mind. It calls me back, it knocks on my door a lot. What do I do sit back and cover up on the couch hoping those thoughts just go away, and they do, But I have been told what to do, I have the tools to fight this part of the DZ. Call my sponsor, call a friend in the program, help the new comer, not to sit back and cover up.

I feel better blogging, I feel better going to meeting, one start in 40 Min's, VP debate starts in 5 Min's,,,,no brainier I'm going to a meeting

Peace hugs and Kisses

ps Kate drop me an Email