Tuesday, February 17, 2009

returning to the scene

As I lay in bed shivering, the past came back to remind me of where I am and how far we have come.

It was Wednesday about 2 weeks ago I had a sales call back up north, the place I call home. It was about 2 pm so i decided to stay in Minocqua for a meeting that night. I went to my parents house, that I stay at on weekends with the kids. mom and dad are Florida snow birds so they are gone. I was lying in bed shaking. Thinking I haven't felt this cold in years. Holy shit maybe two years. When I walked out of treatment, I know the web of lies I had layed in the past were being unrelieved before my eyes. Everything I thought that was important was gone.

I sat there in that bed thinking of how bad I wanted to end my life. I had tried once before, but was to drunk to shoot straight. This time I was sober, a dry drunk. I call my ex talked to her, she said if I did it, she had nothing to do with it. That hurt, her and that dam Al-anon. She was suppose drop everything and come running. I called my friend "M" she cried and told me to remember my kids. All I could remember is that I was losing them. I sat there holding a gun, looking at my wedding band, with a bottle of Rum next to me.

Which would I choose. I had been sober long enough to know better, but I hurt and didn't want that pain anymore. i didn't call my sponsor I didn't call another AA. I called a priest he could talk to me. Take my side about how she was wrong. He asked me to leave everything there and lock the door and go for a walk. I did just to return to see him and Police there. He had to report it. We sat and talked for about 90 minutes before it was time for me to talk to the cops.

I would find a crisis bed that night back in that same treatment center. I remember saying AA screwed up my drinking, I was being held accountable. I knew that doing anything with that gun or bottle would not stop or change anything. I would transfer my pain. I needed to start living to replace that pain with love. To stop living the problem and live the solution.

Wow two years and I do have a better understanding of myself and this DZ. I am an alcoholic who needs AA, who needs others around me like myself. I am constantly reminded of that one phrase "Stop living the problem, Start living the Solution" So today I live to the best of my ability. Sometimes happy, sometime not, But I am living a sober Life today..

hugs and kisses

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Having had a spiritual awekening...

"Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to alcoholics, and practice these principals in all our affairs." Step twelve of course, if I needed to explain that hold on its going to be a wild ride. Friday afternoon I got a phone call from a guy in the program. I really couldn't him a friend because I have really not been accepted into their little inner circle, but he his my brother never-the-less. He had a great Day going on Thursday, made some very difficult amends, his wife found out and it went down hill from there. One amends to an ex female business partner, and another to an old high school flame. He has started to make his amends with his wife, but she wants details, he explained as it says "unless it will do others harm". so he will not go into detail with her. This is where I am also in my program.

I was working, but talked for about 45 mins. He was about 2 hours north, told him that I would met him in Green Bay about noon. we finally meet about 1:30. He was shaken, he talked about the low he felt last night, and he just wanted that first drink. Felt like he thru away the last two years. He felt like that emotional hangover. I sat there and prayed for at least some wisdom. Told him there was a meeting at 8pm and I would see him there. Well i didn't and it hurt, I was fear full of what happened. I know that I did my best, but still second guessed myself if i said something wrong or didn't say enough. I know I didn't because I asked God for strength and wisdom. I didn't say anything that I have not learned in the program.

Well a week later he is sober still. Saw him Monday, he thanked me "without making your head swell, I wouldn't made it without you" I felt good a sense of being a sense of belong. God am I getting better with every 24 hours. I'm still sick but getting better

peace hugs and kisses
my sober friends

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Worth working,,,,

"...It works if you Work it,,sucks if you don't" is how many meetings end around here, Let me tell how how good it works. 10 day Ago I had the opportunity to speak at the Sunday morning AA meeting held at the treatment center that I was a guest of. It was a great experience one that I will remember each new 24 hours. A sense of being and belonging. I forget my notes, yes I lived it but made notes. I got down on my hands and knees and asked God to fill my mouth with the words that needed to be heard that day. of course things went well since I was not saying those words, they were from my voice but they were his words. There was no stretching the truth, misquotes. I could even talk about the time, as it talks about in the big book, when I could not imagine life with or without alcohol, I was at the jumping off point. After I attempted to take my life, I jumped the other way. I layed in there in that snow bank asking for help, this time I felt something, today I know what that something is. Butt I spoke with regret without fear.

I spoke almost 2 years to the Day that I walked into that treatment center. I was Dry for 2 months by then, but not living. Today things are different. Any ways After the meeting it was the hugs and thanks. I had to work on Monday so my son and i returned to Appleton. Tuesday morning rolled around and we were off back to Rhinelander for Court for him. we sat in the Lobby I overheard another lady talking about how she had 7 months sober, she went to great open speaker meeting on Sunday. Wow!!! I sat there another person from the treatment center walked in court, we exchanged the typical Hi's. Then a big bald ass biker dude yells, Brother Steve,,,A member from my old home group when I lived up there. God had put those 3 people in my life at that given moment for a reason,,,WOW!!!!! I know everything was going to be fine. Might not be good, but I was safe.

Now his lawyer shows up and calls us out to a conference room. To make a long story straight 5 felonies and two misdemeanors would be plead down to two misdemeanors and 18 months probation. We finished his High school home schooling just 3 days before. This kid has a chance of a life. It is up to him, God has seen to that. Anyways I thanked him and again and remembered the last thing I told my son Monday night, "Expect the worst, but pray for the best" it worked,,,See it works if you work,,,It sucks if you don't

Peace hugs and kisses