Tuesday, February 17, 2009

returning to the scene

As I lay in bed shivering, the past came back to remind me of where I am and how far we have come.

It was Wednesday about 2 weeks ago I had a sales call back up north, the place I call home. It was about 2 pm so i decided to stay in Minocqua for a meeting that night. I went to my parents house, that I stay at on weekends with the kids. mom and dad are Florida snow birds so they are gone. I was lying in bed shaking. Thinking I haven't felt this cold in years. Holy shit maybe two years. When I walked out of treatment, I know the web of lies I had layed in the past were being unrelieved before my eyes. Everything I thought that was important was gone.

I sat there in that bed thinking of how bad I wanted to end my life. I had tried once before, but was to drunk to shoot straight. This time I was sober, a dry drunk. I call my ex talked to her, she said if I did it, she had nothing to do with it. That hurt, her and that dam Al-anon. She was suppose drop everything and come running. I called my friend "M" she cried and told me to remember my kids. All I could remember is that I was losing them. I sat there holding a gun, looking at my wedding band, with a bottle of Rum next to me.

Which would I choose. I had been sober long enough to know better, but I hurt and didn't want that pain anymore. i didn't call my sponsor I didn't call another AA. I called a priest he could talk to me. Take my side about how she was wrong. He asked me to leave everything there and lock the door and go for a walk. I did just to return to see him and Police there. He had to report it. We sat and talked for about 90 minutes before it was time for me to talk to the cops.

I would find a crisis bed that night back in that same treatment center. I remember saying AA screwed up my drinking, I was being held accountable. I knew that doing anything with that gun or bottle would not stop or change anything. I would transfer my pain. I needed to start living to replace that pain with love. To stop living the problem and live the solution.

Wow two years and I do have a better understanding of myself and this DZ. I am an alcoholic who needs AA, who needs others around me like myself. I am constantly reminded of that one phrase "Stop living the problem, Start living the Solution" So today I live to the best of my ability. Sometimes happy, sometime not, But I am living a sober Life today..

hugs and kisses


Scott said...

that's quite a reflection... feeling a little grateful are we? ;-)

thanks for the share bro!

Scott said...

good morning bro! just popping over to say hey...