Good Morning. It's 7:45 and I'm out of bed, showered and shaved. Morning cup of coffee. Still have daily mediation to do, but I'm up and moving. I had a great evening yesterday. i will stop back and update you all later. It was some 12 step work of sorts. An AODA forum about teenage alcohol and cig. use in the community. And what could the community do to stop or curb it. As an addict I brought some great ideas out. An Irish friend of Bills said she lives for service. I see why. Goto run for now, will post later. Going to a resume writing class at the job center this morning
Ok I'm Back in more ways than one. I have been in a funk the last couple of days. So much happening in my world I just couldn't put my finger on it. This song means so much to me. "God is Great, and sometimes life is not good... You can love a person with all your heart for all the right reasons, and they can choose to walk away. Love them anyways" That is two fold for me, i love my wife with all my heart, and it just tears me apart to know the "what if's". All I can really do is to love her anyways. For years it seemed like there was no reason for God to love. So many things I have wronged him. Sinned against him and his word. But still he loved me anyways, no matter what I did. His out stretched hands were never pulled away. I may have pulled away, but he never withdraw his love.
I have for the last couple of days been living on that pity pot. Not blogging. Feeling like all I was doing is whining and spreading disappear instead of the message of AA. That there is hope and things will and do get better. They do and I know that. I'm living that today I was living that yesterday I just choose not to believe it. I didn't drink. Sometimes that is all the hope I should need, not some big miracle. I didn't drink todAAy. Its been 140 24 hours now, I am proud of that. What a message is that.
Ellie sent me some Bible passages. The funny thing is that before rehab i didn't even own a bible. I never knew how to find things in it. The only bible versus I could remember was the 23 Psalm. I wanted that at my funeral. Several months ago, I tried to say it as I was attempting suicide I couldn't remember the words, couldn't find a bible in my hospitals room, found one later. So now I know what and how to look things up in the bible, gone to a bible study class. Pray, still not as much as I should, but its progress not perfection. I know that even thinking about suicide is a sin, never less the outcome.
God does have more in store for me, more to be reviled later. Maybe last night when I introduced myself to a crowd of local lawyers, doctors, police, AODA, church leaders and other concerned parents that "My name is Steve and I'm an Alcoholic, and I'm here in hopes that the teens in our community especially my boys will not follow the path I traveled down." It wasn't that hard to say in front of 50 plus people, most of them not addicts. So maybe that was one reason why I'm still here today. there are so many, I know one big reason is my boys, and no matter what I will always be their father, and todAAy I'm a sober father.
I sing...I dream... I love...Anyways....
peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve
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5 comments:
Love that song -- #1 child and I just sang it for you with the video.
If you were near we'd make you come over and I'd cook for you -- cause that's what we Southern women do -- we feed people to make them feel better.
J**** says Hey.
Nay
Hi Steve. Try to focus on Steve for awhile, & hang in there, one day at a time, one hour at a time, whatever it takes. Go to lots of meetings. Do you have a sponsor? A home group? A sponsor will help you get thru these hard times. Read your BB. There's so much good info, & directions to live by. I had to do the BB before I did the Bible, it was simpler, & easier to follow at first. I know of a couple that broke up at first, & later got back together, you never can tell what willl happen in the future, but for now, just focus on today. Know that you are loved, & you'll be ok, just don't drink, no matter what. I have days that that'l all I can do. Sounds like you're doing good, & you're writing about it, that's a good thing. You're right where you're s'pose to be. Don't you hate that? But it's true. Keep reaching out. Good Luck to you
Love, Sharon
Hi Steve,
I guess in my spirit I felt you might be contemplating suicide on Sunday. I have felt a heaviness since you had sent me your email. I have been where you are at. I know the pull that suicide has, but you know it isn't the answer. Keep writing your thoughts and never worry about not being a positive influence, I think all of us understand that you are sorting through your life and maybe your blog is your only outlet to really let out your thoughts. All of who keep coming back are here for you and we care or we wouldn't come back.
While I was in counseling I had to set goals to try and reach at some point in my life. I can't fully remember the wording of my goals anymore, because it has been a few years ago, but they went something like this.
1. To understand who God is and what he means to my life.
2. To have a happy,"normal" life.
3. To forgive my uncles and my parents.
ETC.
You get the picture.
Then my counseler sat with me and we set a little plan for each goal, take my #1 goal. We might have decided for me to read the Bible/have devotions once a day and to pray for five minutes a day, or listen to a Christian Radio preacher for a half an hour, or meet with some Bible Study group, etc.
We went down my list of goals and we set a few easy plans in action for me to eventually acheive my goals and it really helped to go back each week and evaluate where I was at, what I was doing/not doing and never did my counselor put me down for not reaching a goal, but he was there to guide me along and let me tell you, the "want" in my heart was so deep and I just thrived on these goals and basically it took me 2 years to finally be able to say that I was able to forgive my uncles and parents. I tell you these things to encourage you, and I hope I do, it just takes time, that was my biggest problem in the beginning, I wanted things to happen right now, I wanted to feel "normal" right away, but my impatience led me down a pathway I couldn't keep up with. I recognise I had something you don't have, I had support from a loving spouse and I am sure it made things easier for me, but I still had to do the work, I still had to 'want to'.
Still praying for you. You are not a "finished work" yet, God still has some plans for you. It will be exciting to see where the next weeks and months will take you. I see good things in the horizon for you! :)
Blessings,
Ellie
I'm sure you're a good father to your son. Make that your top priority reason and I'm sure you're on the right track.
You're always in my prayers, my friend.
I like what Ellie said about setting goals for ourselves each day- even small easily attainable goals, like getting dressed, making a phone call, eating breakfast or going out for a walk! Yeah these are all MY goals today!! The point is, when we accomplish these things it gives a sense of victory instead of failure!
You are valued and loved just because...God don't make NO junk!
Love and HUGS
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