Walking on Eggshells again.

Todays readings When I uncovered my need for approval in the 4th step, I didn't think it should rank as a character defect. I wanted to think of it more as as asset. it was quickly pointed out to me that this need can be very crippling...

This whole reading is about me now and before. Right now I am suppose be be writing up a list of boundaries to talk about with my wife at counseling tonight. Instead I'm staling once again. I'm afraid to hurt her feelings. I'm putting her and my kids first. This is so hard. All I really want is to make everyone happy, but Steve will suffer again. This is why I haven't gone to a meeting, picked up the phone or prayed. I'm scared to death what I might hear. I have been in so much pain the last couple of days from surgery that I really don't care about sobriety anymore. I don't care about myself anymore I just don't care period. I talk myself into some pride and tell myself I am stronger than that. I really do not want to return to the way I was. The way I was made me loose my wife, my job, my health, and myself. I am holding onto this house by the skin of my teeth, my kids are the only thing keeping me going. They are my inspiration for waking daily and the inspiration not to pick up. I found some pot in my sons room this morning. I wasn't made at him ,but happy. I could get rid of this for him so he couldn't use, but at what price. The price of my sobriety 4 months, four months of some of the most earth changes discoveries in myself, but I was still willing to trow it away for what. So I could be happy with myself, so others would like me. How sick is that.

Everyone is pushing me to get a job, go out and work. I just want to let the dust settle on my life. I want to know what is next. See there I go again, trying to run the show. Give it up Steve, let someone else have that control like your HP. I feel like I am a hangnail away from relapse. But the good thing is that I feel it, I can stop it. I need to do things that make Steve happy and not worry about the others around me. The last couple of weekends I have tried to get my wife to go away with the kids and I for a weekend somewhere to have fun as a family. The boys are really taking this hard, not saying much to her, but to myself and said some things to my brother when he was here. It is very important to me to make everyone happy. My wife wants no part of that, a weekend of fun as a family. I know she is still hurting, but I feel the family should come before personal programs. Why I spent weeks in rehab learning about it is all about ME. I guess that I feel that I hurt them so bad, I need to start making things up to them. But I must be sober First and happy with myself. I know everyone is saying give it time. trust your HP. enjoy the little things, live in today only. So many more phrases. I just want to be happy again.

Wow my fingers came alive there for awhile. I got way off the topic that I started, or maybe not. I only wish that I could stop wishing for things to change. I only want,,,,,I only want everything...I know that with time and trust in my HP. I will get whatever I need. I just have to let him in and not take back that control. I really need to pick up that 500 pound phone and call. Track my sponsor down, call,,call,,,call.

Someone once asked if I was using this blog in place of meeting, I said no. Right now I feel that I did this weekend because i couldn't leave the house, but I feel that this blog and reading all of your didn't replace a meeting but saved me from a relapse. I'm scared of what the future holds, but who isn't. So I'm going to grab my big book and head to my sun room and watch the miracle of rain, and pray again, not for anything, just pray, he will let me know what I need.

peace
Hugs and Kisses
STEVE,,,,still SOBER STEVE