I'm going to try to get thru this post. I said for a couple of weeks that I have been in a Funk lately. So much has gone wrong in my life. Every time I feel that I can not loose anymore something else is taken away. For every step i take forward I fall three backwards. I'm not sure how much sense I'm even making right now. Last night i wrote a pretty dark blog post. Wrote another one later trying to get to the root of my problem lately. I have lost so much to this DZ that I am willing to go out and start drinking again. Why. Cunning baffling powerful. Yes its all that, but I just want to forget. Forget the hurt the pain, the misery.
Here's what I have figured out last night. My pain started all over again a couple of weeks ago. Friday the 13th. No its not an old wives tale. It is a day that Satan rules my family. I left the back door open and Satan appeared in my heart, and is making residents there again. My older sister Sandy was born on Friday the 13th. At age 7 was diagnosed with leukemia on Friday the 13th. Died on a Friday the 11th. There are more things that happened to her and my parents on those Fridays, but you get the drift. For years my mom never went anywhere on that day. Wouldn't travel, drive work. For years I never understood. When i started to understand all I could feel was pain and anger. I was 2 years old the only memory I have is carrying soup upstairs to her, and yes spilled it all over her. My mom was pregnant with my little sister at the time. Needless to say she is spoiled.
For years once I grew older my anger grew deeper. How could this god take my my sister. cause this hurt, take a child in her youth. i brought this up in fourth step 37 years of resentment. It hasn't helped. The hate and anger is still there. It is hard for me to pray without resentment . Still find myself asking why,,,why,,why. She was taken before i even got a chance to know her. For years I promised myself my first daughter was to be named after her. Sandra Lynn. Well that god of mine didn't like that plan, he gave me two beautiful boys that I wouldn't trade for the world. So today all i have is hate and anger again. Friday the 13th in April her Birthday.
Funny my boss called me in to talk to him on that day. i thought maybe I was going to get my job back. My brother asked why I didn't wait till Monday to go. Well no job back, and they are fighting my unemployment. Caulk up to another loss to Friday 13th. i know that life is still life sober, and i will have bad days. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm just tired now, tired of fighting everything. Fighting to save myself, wife, kids.
Thats the next issue. In rehab the stressed the point to stay away from using people friends, and even family. My soberity most come first at any cost. This weighs heavy on my heart. My wife still drinks, but not that much anymore. The killer is my son. he traded his ADHD meds for some pot again. At 11pm i went into his room and he was stoned. I told him when he got caught smoking pot on our trip to Chicago that I couldn't have that around me. This was to be a sober house. So now tonight I have to tell him that I love him but he can not live here anymore. Its not fair that I get myself back for this family now i have to turn my back on him. I'm not sure i can do this. I Stopped and bought a bottle the other day to give me strength. How stupid is that.
So Sandy i know that you look over me, watch over my family. please help, not for me I have wasted my entire life, he is still young. Please help him go over and grab God and help this young man. Turn him around so he does not follow down my path. Give me strength to stand strong tonight. help me for another 24 hours.
peace
Hugs and Kisses
your little brother
Steve
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
.jpg)
10 comments:
OK, first of all it is Yo sick momma as in 'your' momma and sick as in cool, not 'some are sicker than others' which I definately AM, but just not in this case!!!
And now the words of wisdom LOL that you love to hate...
DUMP THAT BOTTLE- yes I mean it, if ya don't I may hafta call on some blogger buds to hunt you down and do it for you!!! Ya don't get to drink today! I know it really sucks to hurt that badly. I also know it WON'T kill ya! I also know that you don't necessarily want to hear that you are loved today, but you are! So there take that and file it for later!
lol,,,lol,,,lol. You are SICK. I never make promises with intentions of breaking them. i promise that I will not drink today. But I get to drink tommorrow. This song on my blog is so me...just turning 40, whole life in front in front of me...
yeh. Dump the bottle and try to help a newcomer. Buy em a coffe after the meeting, and explain what you can, even if it's just the baby talk. {keep coming back etc} as faith without works is dead. you don't want to be like that aa guy 'full of fath but reeking of alcohol' do you? well then. bring the body and the mind will follow.
Just do your lousy best.
Hi Steve, I hope that you are working with your sponsor on this. It is mixed in AA, we all deal with alcoholics and relapsers. No matter what they need help . . . please seek the guidenance of those around u.
My sponsor got sober w her hubby, 21 mo ago. Then he went out in the middle of it, and now has 4 yrs of sobriety. She did not abandon him, set her bounderies and continued to go forward. It made them stronger.
Now let me make this perfectly clear. We Are All Infinite Beings. You, Me, Sister. Got It?
You need to find the tools to know how to Allow. Allow means Let Happen! Dude The Universe is calling...better pick up the phone.
I have to say this, I am not superstitious and I don't believe a number on a day and time is telling of anything. I think it is just the devil's ploy to keep you and your mama and everyone else in your family in a funk. It is a tool from the red guy with the horns. Remember, God created and ordained every day. There are bad things that happen on other days as well, not just Friday the 13th. Think about it. I know you hurt and are in pain, but I think the bad guy has had his way with you for a good long time and you are now standing at a cross roads. You either find a way to move forward, out of the torturous moments or you go back. You already know what going back means, losing everything, my vote is you go forward, let God work in you and bring healing to your heart. Let him take every superstitious thought and replace it with ones of comfort and healing.
Seriously, I have no clue what it takes to dry up and move away from alcohol, but you have a lot of friends here in blog land alone who I see have been there and done that, I think it is great you are reaching out to them. I think you can gain a great strength from their support and advice.
Also, I was talking to a coworker today, she had just gotten off the phone with her grown son and she then told me how well her son is today compared to how he use to be. She said to me, "He is an alcoholic and he is finally better." She had a smile on her face and we discussed what her son had to do. She said he went to AA meetings 3-4 times a day, he did EVERYTHING they told him to do and she said, it was the BEST thing that ever happened to him. Steve, I say that only to remind you to use the tools that are so available to you, push yourself and believe that one day things will get easier, they really will..There are many testimonys to that fact....look at all the testimonys of your friends here in blog land alone!
Keep on keeping on....God is there...waiting for you to ask him for the help and courage and strength you need to move forward.
Prayers and Blessings,
Ellie
Yeah....what Ellie said.
Dude, you already said you know the answers you need and you know ho is behind those bad thoughts.
So go ahead, kick the bad little red dude out of your life. Just the mention of the name "Jesus" forces him to flee.
I suggest that you do not pour out that bottle. I strongly suggest that you take it outside on the concrete and smash it. Then, just as you are doing with your life, sweep it up and pick up the broken pieces and throw them away. The evil that was in it, is washed away. Symbolic, I know. But it is all a part of the process. Life is a process. Jesus said, "Behold, I make all things new".
You are a strong man, and a good man. You are a New Man.
Don't forget to pray. We are praying for you.
Bless you Steve.
GET RID OF THAT BOTTLE! As much as you hurt now, things will get better. Keep praying and remember you have lots of blog friends that are pulling for you. I haven't been able to help my son but I hope somehow I can help you in some small way. By the way, my son is a few years older than you so you see I could be your mother and I have taken a great interest in your progress and I know you will make it.
Read the part in the Big Book abour drifting off into morbid reflection...we all do it ...and baby cakes it will take us out if you let it. Start your day with pg 86 and 87 for one week and I PROMISE YOU life will look different. I love you Steve.
and none of this terribly difficult stuff you're dealing with can be improved one little bit by taking a drink... just don't forget that my friend. It call all be made worse, but it cannot be made better by taking a drink... fact of life!
peace, know that I pray for you my friend! (hugs)
Post a Comment