I have Scott's blog playing in the back-background. Beautiful is playing. I feel the exact opposite and have felt this way for years. Words do bring me down daily. I'm trying to find the positive in something, and just for the moment. I can do a gratitude list but it's only at the surface. ALL my counselors keep on asking to see the real Steve hiding behind this mask. This post is going to a different direction than what i thought about this morning. I just need to find myself I can't even say today i really don't know who I really am. So let me introduce myself to you, what i know.
*My name is Steve and I'm an alcoholic
*my wife moved out to save herself from my DZ
*My kids love me even though I haven't been in their lives for years
*My family and in-laws support me in my recovery
*I'm a perfect asshole after surgery
*I'm unemployed as a result of my DZ
*I have a great support system of sober bloggers and fellow aa's
*I'm ashamed to be an Alcoholic!
*I'm Ashamed of the all the things I did during my self-destruction
*I'm in relapse with-out even knowing.
*I hate myself and this DZ
*I hurt,,,hurt,,hurt
So that's what i will let you see. But what is behind that mask I'm wearing today. Why won't I really let you see me. Because I'm afraid that you won't like what you see. I have for years tried being something that i wasn't. I am weak scared and afraid that I won't like what I see behind the mask that I'm wearing. So let me tell you this. there I go controlling again. I wish that I really could take a time out from life. really figure out who I am. 45 days in rehab only started it. Know is the time to open up and let everybody in. Maybe on at time. But I need to get honest with myself at whatever what price. I already lost my soul to Satin, but God will still have have me, For he sees the real Steve underneath all the layers of shame and pain and hurt.
My sponsor finally called back, He was working nights last week. He knew something was wrong when I called him 3 times yesterday. I used his line "Take the cotton out of your ears and shove it down your mouth, and get the *uck to a meeting". His thoughts are that if the cotton is in the ear I'm not listening to what he is saying.
He told me that I'm doing OK. in fact I'm doing great. I just don't believe it, and he jumped all over me for that. He repeated all the events of this last week to me, and said 3 times your wife and kids left the house yesterday, you were sitting there in the home that your family built, the stories and memories that at can be told from the kitchen table, bedroom or living room, about life events. And you didn't drink. "You are going to be OK Steve, in Fact you are Great!"
you all are right, I'm OK. I have to remember this is a not a race.
So I need to turn the above list around and make it gratitude's. I CAN NOT LET WORDS BRING ME DOWN< CAN'T BRING ME DOWN TODAY.
My Sponsor told me to go do something exstrodany before lunch, Something I would never do. So I will. Thanks everyone for your support. time is running, and I missed enough of my life already, time to rediscover the world.
LOVE YA
Hugs and Kisses
Steve
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12 comments:
I almost said I'm sorry for putting on Rap Crap on my blog, But this is my shelfish program, so put up with it.lol...That wasn't that hard to say. Hey why don't you......Just kidding
Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve
I love this post, Steve. It's perfect.
~Judith
Steve,
Wow, what an amazing couple of posts. So raw, so honest. I could say a lot, give a bunch of advice, but I won't. Basically, you have to work it out. I guess I will say this, give yourself permission to take the time you need to heal from your surgery and also to work through all your issues. God is always there and I will share with you a couple of my favorite verses in the Bible, which I hope will bring comfort to you.
I waited patiently for the Lord;
and he inclined to me,
and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
and set my feet upon a rock,
and established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth
Praise to our God,
Many will see it and fear,
and will trust in the Lord.
Psalms 40:1-3
Steve, there will be a day, if you seek God's face and look into his word in which you will find all kinds of verses like that which will speak to your heart and bring healing. When I was going through my depression that is what happened to me, I found truth after truth after truth once I opened the word of God and let myself read it and comprehend it. I took everything literally, with my name in the verses and God talked to my heart that way and he brought so much healing to me. I encourage you to do the same. Step by step, moment by moment. I have no idea just what your pain is like, but I know pain and I know that I have been healed and I know that same God has so much power he can heal you too. I will keep you in my prayers and wish you much success in your journey. One day you will have a new song in your mouth, just like the scripture says. I believe in you!
Blessings,
Ellie
Awww Steve,"It will get better" just sounds so lame right now, but this is what I thought of while reading you post...
Little boy lost
so sad and alone
knows no direction
or where to call home
he looked all around
but still could not see
that sharing his pain
was the way to break free
Little boy found
friends by his side
learns how to be happy
one day at a time
through laughter and tears
he's growing so strong
he's no longer hiding
and he's never alone
written by P.T June 3, 2007
Hello Steve.
I've been following your blog for a while now, but I haven't left any comments. Until now.
I just wanted to let you know that you ARE doing great. How do I know? I am married to an alcoholic. She's been dry for over 21 years now. These days, she only gets drunk on the Holy Spirit. Ellie is right on. You can trust in God. Ellie is good people.
My wife is also a Personal Life Coach. She helps me a lot. I'll share with you, if you don't mind, a phrase that she printed out on a slip of paper and stuck all over the house.
God is with me and for me right now.
Satan does NOT have your soul. He never did. You belong to God. Once you accept Jesus as your personal savior, you have secured your place in the Kingdom of God. Jesus said that once you belong to Him, nothing can snatch you from His hand.
You were bought and paid for by Christ. God sent Him here to do that for you because He loves you. There is NOTHING you have done or could ever do to make God love you any more or any less than He does right now. Because His love is perfect. Because God is love.
The Bible says "Fear Not!"
And that mask? Don't bother. You cannot hide from God. He sees everything. Besides, God looks at the heart, not the body or the face. From what I can tell by reading your blog and watching you grow with each post - your heart is good. Real good.
Remember Steve.....
God is with you and for you right now.
Sorry. I didn't mean to preach.
Thank you for sharing what is on your heart.
Blessings to you Steve.
Steve... I see you, and am wrapping my arms around you and giving you a hug. YOU are OK, and it is ok to be and feel what you are feelings, and that is what you are doing. Keeping doing the next right thing and expect a miracle.
HUGS AND KISSES 2 U
Focus on what you want and Ignore the Rest.
I'm always so damn full of sayings - but they are actually usefull. O.K. so I blew my cork on here yesterday - it was way to judgemental of you when it's not you who is a problem.
You are not going to fail Steve, you're not failing now and you won't be failing Tomorrow either.
Focus on what you want and Ignore the rest.
Think about that one for awhile and tell me what you think....
((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
hi steve,
thank you for your kind, encouraging, and inspiring words on my blog earlier tonite. they brought tears to my eyes. God always knows how to encourage my heart, and He used you tonite to do that.
God has put us all here in each other's paths, and we gain strength from one another. in the Bible, David encouraged himself in the Lord, and sometimes, that's just what we have to do--encourage ourselves in the Word of God. Jesus loves you so much, and He cares about you. everything you do, every thought you think, the way you feel--Jesus knows and cares. He's already forgiven you, now you just have to forgive yourself.
again, thank you for your kind words, and may the peace of God reign richly in every part of you.
peace & blessings,
sylvia
Steve it is often hard to see our own progress or to accept that we are o.k. in our process. It IS a process, Steve, and a LONG one at that. You sponsor is telling you to yes, LISTEN, but the part about the cotton in the mouth means to be quiet and listen. There is a huge difference when we are also QUIET and LISTEN. I have to say that I don't like that cotton cliche at all -- but the sentiment behind it is very useful.
You are doing well, Steve. Keep coming back, my man.
Peace,
Scout
Thanks you all so much for you prayers and support. I am growing, and moving forward. I need to have faith that I'm moving in the right direction. I need to have faith in myself and God.
Love ya
Steve
hey! that was great to read. you're out there finding yourself all right. keep on doing it!!!!!
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