Isolaction

I'm really not sure if I know what the next right thing is anymore. Go to meeting and don't drink. I know that I'm just a little pup walking this journey, and I know that it is a journey, but how come I feel that I walk three steps and fall backwards six steps. I got an email from a friend yesterday saying that now is the time to focus on Steve. I read into it even more they are the same words that my counselor said. Let go of my marriage spend this time to get to know Steve. He scares me. What if I don't like what I see. I'm not sure why i couldn't even get out of bed this morning.

Well 24 hours now. Its 10:30 I just got out of bed again. My mom called worrying that she hasn't heard from me in a few days. I did get dressed yesterday and went to a meeting, and yes I felt better. I'm working on so many things. Ellie sent me a email with all kinds of encouragement. She is right It is time to discover Steve. I'm sitting here just crying now. I just turned 40 and now I'm saying I need to go find myself. I'm in so much denial that it hurts, it kills. I have a king size bed, there is so much shit pilled up on it that there is just enough room for me to lie on the edge of the bed. I don't want to clean it because I will remember how big it is and how alone I am. The last couple of days I haven't been asking God for another 24 hours, just asking him for the next hour.

My gratitude list the other day really lifted me, how easy was it to make that list. The sun is shinning, the birds chirping. That's part of My pain, I see a bird fly bye and think about my wife, and her poem. She gave me another quote the other day.

God loved the birds and invented trees.
Man loved the birds and invented cages.
Jacques Deval

How long I kept her that cage. Now she is flying free of my grasp, and doesn't want to return. even if I through away that cage. She is convinced that I can not change. I feel like that poem could be any of us. It also makes me think about what alcohol did to me. Kept me locked in. I'm trying to get out, but I'm scared that the door might be slammed shut on me. I know that I made my bed and now I must sleep on it. That's why I can't clean it off. I'm so full of pain today. I know what to do, but why can't I pick up that phone, call. I'm afraid, afraid of being hurt again. I just want to be me, alone, and unworthy of any ones love.

"I'll be there, when no one is around I'll be the rock you lean on" That song was just playing on the radio. I know that God is there for me. You are all here for me, but I still feel that I can do this on my own.

I'm not drinking and my life is getting better. I need to trust the process. Yes it is a process. I think about all the lectures I heard in treatment, that word was said a lot "process" Well it is. I need to get off my ass and trust the process. Thinks may be rough now, but the crap I'm walking thru now is the crap i put my family thru during my using days. I will make it out of this crap, and will be stronger. Now I just need to believe this.

peace
Hugs and kisses
Steve