I should be picking up the phone or going to a meeting. I'm in that funk mood again. I had a great weekend. Didn't get everything done that I wanted to, but thats ok. Room is really starting to look good. ...
I'm not sure if I want this anymore. Sobriety that is. I know that if I start drinking again i know where I will be. Last night I caught the tail end of Bruce Almighty, where he lost his girlfriend and was talking to god. God told him to pray to really pray for what he wanted. It sounded so much like me praying for my wife. "All I want is for her to be happy, for years she has stood by my side as I turned my back on her. She has waited so long for me to return, that all she can feel is pain. God all I ask for is that she is happy, and if that means it is without me, let it be. I Love her that much, that her happiness is all that is important to me" well that might not be exactly how it was said in the movie, but sure is what I say. My oldest son came out when that part was on and saw me crying gave me a pat on the shoulder and said its ok. For him and I that was huge. All I want is happiness again.
I LOVE HER and hate myself, and I think drinking will solve that. It will surely make me loose any progress that I have made in my life. I know that this will pass, have faith. I do. I need to get out of the house and do something. I'm really bummed that I cannot go turkey hunting this week. Since we are separated I'm not invited down by her uncle to hunt this week, it hurts, not even invited to brothers son first communion this weekend either. Her parents didn't even give me a B-day card. there i go BO-who, poor Steve. I just feel like crap today. Part of it is painting. I always go sick whenever we painted. My wife would blame it on how much I drank, combined with the fumes. Well guess what, no beer last yesterday, and i was still sick. Its the paint. Well it helped to vent today. I need to finish my room, curtains got here today, couple of walls left to paint, and carpet to go down. My wife stopped and saw it yesterday, was she shocked loved the color on the back wall behind the bed She says barn red I call cranberry the other walls are off white, the curtains on the opposite match the red color. I just wish that her stuff could go back up in here when I put the room together again. enough of that.
God thank you for another 24 hours and please give me the strength to resit today.
About Me
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- Sober Steve
- Wisconsin, United States
- I'm a Forty year old male. This is the first time in 23 years that I walk down a sober path. I started this journey to save my marriage. Now I continue down this path for myself. These are my struggles trying to make it thru just another 24 hours. It took losing my wife to find Love, love for myself.
9 comments:
I am so sorry you are hurting, Steve. I really wish there were something I could do to make it better. I keep thinking of all the things they tell us in AA, but they sound hollow in my ears. The one thing that rings with absolute clarity is that drinking would be just wrong wrong wrong.
It has helped me - sometimes - when I talk to people when I get in funks. But I still am terrible at it at this point in my sobriety. I'm not in your situation, but I've got my own nasty demons. I tend to want to be alone too, but I've got a therapist and a sponsor I am trying to train myself to let go with. It does ease the load. I am also finding that I really do survive the hurt and pain.
Also, it might be good to note, so will your wife. And as many have said in the rooms, she has her own higher power.
Ok, I will quit before I start hating myself for sounding banal. I wish I knew what to say. I hope someone else steps in and does a better job than me. I just wanted you to know you're not alone and I care.
{{{Steve}}}
I tuned in at about the same time you did. That is the best part of that movie.
Next time you're in a funk mood, turn on some '70's funk music and get down with your bad self.
The Bible tells us that God wants you to be joyful. To know, experience and have JOY. Nowhere in there does it say God wants you to be happy. He wants you to be joy. There's a difference. Happiness is a feeling.
JOY, is a state of mind and a condition of the heart. So, Steve - I wish you JOY!
Praying for you, Dude!
Blessings.
Steve. Do not hate yourself. You are WRONG.
You have what is called 'poverty mentality' a belief in LACK.
You are hankering for 'the crumbs in the table'.
Look Steve. TRUST ME.
I used to think I was SHIT. Really shit. GARBAGE.
You know what? Its ALL bullshit.
I'm not (even SLIGHTLY) an idiot, and I can TELL you are a good person and that there are LOVELY women out there who DO want to be with you. You just haven't got round to meeting them yet!
You're coming over all 'love addict' in a CLASSIC response to your 'love avoider' wife.
AAAAGGHHH!! Stop it!!!!
Its NOT TRUE.
Its a fiction your KNEE JERK brain tells you to KEEP YOU MISERABLE.
Email me in ten years time and tell me how RIGHT I am!
I am RIGHT about this Steve. Trust me. I can see this more objectively than you can right now. So stop feeling sorry for yourself and start ACTING AS IF Steve is a really nice guy and will get to meet some LOVELY women when HE STOPS PLAYING LOVE ADDICT AND STARTS GETTING A (sober) LIFE !!! FOR HIMSELF.
Yes I KNOW you have been selfish in the past and now you are trying REALLY hard to be a better person and all that.
BUT BEING SPIRITUAL DOES NOT MEAN BEING DOWN ON YOURSELF AND BEING EARNEST AND WELL MEANING.
Being 'spiritual' means you are having MORE fun that 98% of the people you bump into. Its having a twinkle in your eye and feeling pretty dammed good about yourself.
So.
Open the windows. Air!!!!
Have a strong cup of coffee and a sandwich and head off to a meeting. Sit at the front and go for coffee after.
And start having some FUN. Start ACTING AS IF stevie is actually a pretty cool guy and nice things are round the corner if he starts taking his new employer SERIOUSLY.
TRUST Steve. Your higher power has it ALL mapped out!!!
Yes even nice ladies that like steve, and stuff ! like that..
Jeez. Oh ye of little faith!!!
Read that 'letter from your disease' I have on my blog someplace..
When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than ANYTHING we could have planned. p100
DOESN'T say 'except for Steve' does it???
Hey Steve,
Sorry to hear you have been in a funk. I like the reminder Alpha Dude gave you. Find the joy, and you will find your life again.
Praying for you,
Blessings,
Ellie
morning steve. hope you feel better this morning. it took me a LONG time to see that I was a valuable human being. So many of us get it REALLY wrong and consign ourselves to a crummy deal. self belief takes work.
I hope you get yours sooner rather than later. but in the meantime, just trust that your low opinion of yourself is negative delusion. if you met a newcomer just like yourself in aa, in your situation, and they told you their story. would you judge them? would you write them off? well then. treat yourself the way you would treat any other human being.
hope you feel better soon. keep coming back!
Hey there my friend! I know how I feel when overwhelmed with my own misery, and how hard it is for me to reach out to loving people. I also know FOR SURE that the icky-ness will pass- as long as I don't pick up that FIRST drink or drug. One day at a time, Steve! Read the Serenity prayer, try to believe in it. Write out at LEAST five things to be grateful for each and every day, pick up that thousand pound phone... You already know all of this stuff... enough from me!
love and HUGS
Hey ya You.
Your mind is contaminated right now. I would suggest that you do everything to ignore it. Actions, stay close to those in your program. Believe me you DO NO WISH to encounter any type of alcoholic slip. Never would I thought I wold be in this dark place once again picking up all the pieces.
Give yourself time. I know we want everything yesterday! It did not take you overnight to get where you are at (meaning the sickness) and it will take overnight for you to heal. You must work thru not hating yourself, this is the Dz taking full advantage of you.
Again, stick close to those that have time, that are close to their HP and have that foundation.
Big HUgs 2 u.
UM - Like TOTALLY what Irish Friend of Bill Said.
So who has heard of Law of Attraction? I'm thinking it's time Steve-O is introduced to Quantum Physics. Oh Yeah!
Can't force it! It's all about "Allow" ;)
Why don't we have emoticons on here? Such a bummer....
Here's a little something for help.
Isaiah 40:31
" but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles,
they will run and not grow weary,
they shall walk and not be faint."
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