We don't get to choice when

"You don't get to choose when its time to be a parent. You choose if you want to be a parent and stick with it. I will bail your ass out this time. But if you allow him back in this house. you deal with the good as well as the bad. Or don't be a parent. Just because you are now Sober Steve doesn't give you the right to show up now and be a father. you lost that right a long time ago. Now earn it back!!!!"

Some pretty strong words from my wife last night when she picked up my son. i did tell him I couldn't have anyone using around me right now. Told him that i loved him, but this is a sober house and he broke the rules again. He had to leave. that was by far the hardest thing that I have ever done. The hardest thing I ever said. The next hardest was hearing those words from my wife. I have never heard more thruth in my entire life. Today I am sober, that does not make up for the time i lost with him. Today i am being the best that I can be. that does not repair all the hurt and anger caused during my using. i can only promise that today i will be a sober father. The best sober father filled with love that I can be. I can only lead by example. in time I hope that he can forgive me for the lost ime in his life.

Last night was rough went to my AODA group meeting at five. by the time it was my turn, watch out flood gates opened. Talked about my sister, my son, and yes i talked about GOD. And how I turned my back on him during my using, but is still here for me today. Was always here. talked for 45 mins real raw emotions. I cried like i never cried before. It felt good to flush out the pain. allow new growth in my heart. With a few phone calls after group I got a crisis bed at the rehab center I went to. i went to a safe place last night. I went home in a sense. This morning I did have a whole new look on things. It was hard to do what i did, but my son has had chances, and still choice to use in my home. i didn't look the other way this time. I stood up for myself and yes him. No guilt or shame feeling this morning. Sat in a few groups and talked and talked. Had a 1-1 with a retired priest that is on staff there. He lost his job because of his drinking, he still serves God, just now in rehab instead of a church, God is everywhere. i feel great

My son is here, we are talking. It is small steps. I can't a not allow anything to effect my sobriety, but that really doesn't mean that I have to turn my back completely on him.

Thanks for the prayers, they worked. I am going to go sit and talk to my boys some more tonight. I going to hug them goodnight like they have never been hugged. As my sponsor told me tonight. I have to give them all my love today, because there is no guarantee that i will have a tomorrow.

Peace
Hugs kisses
A Lot of LOVE to you all

Steve, the one that choose to be a father during the good and bad!!