I have been hearing and saying that a lot lately. Its the constant battle between my wife and myself. Every time I see a chance I would say the old Steve would of done this, but now look what I did. Just in case you didn't hear Steve finally did something that 99% of the human race does daily, but I find the need to point it out that I'm beginning to act like a human being. Big fricking deal. Tonight After an argument with my wife, yes another that I started, I made an awesome Shrimp Alfredo. since I'm still on pain killers from surgery yesterday I asked her to drive me to my meeting tonight, (she goes to her meeting at the same time downstairs) she had to run to her house to grab her books. I got pissed off that when she left her plate was still sitting on the table, and she never said thank-you. I picked them up and turned and said to myself, "Now I know how she felt every time I never thanked her for dinner". Ok so I changed something. There are little to big changes going on in me right now, but wait.....
Tonight at the meeting, we discussed Step Three...We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him. As the self appointed replacement for Bill W. talked with no end in sight, he did say a few things that made me think. I keep telling my wife I can change I am changing, please give me time. I haven't changed a thing, yes maybe on the outside. My temper, my attitude, my patience, but these are only band-aids for the solution. It says it in the first three words, We made a decision. I can't turn somethings over and not the rest. I can not turn over parts that I feel is safe for God to fix and not the others. No where in there does it say that I only turn over 10, 20 70 or 50%. We turn our will and lives over. Hey Steve wake up that means 100% not just what we want to , or what we feel is safe. We can not just kneel and pray for bits and pieces of our lives, we need to pray and ask humidly his will for all of it. I tried to do it my way, and look where it got me.
After the meeting I was talking to Bill JR. and I told him that I asked the doctor not to give me any pain killers that I could become addicted to. He told me about his surgery where he had quite an intense recovery with a lot of pain. He asked his HP to help and guide him through this time. He had faith that his HP would watch over him and make sure no harm came to him. Turning it over. No, Steve still thinks he is running the show. No I'm not betting myself up. I have to remind myself who I want in charge of my life, and it is not Steve.
So tonight when I pray I will remember this, not just what I want, but all of me. I will not hold on to the old Steve. I will not hold onto parts that I feel that I need to keep. If I need them he will make sure that I get them again. The saying that I hate so much is that if you love them let them go, and if was meant to be they will return. So tonight I will let myself go, I will give myself back to God, and I know that only what is meant to be will return.
So good night and God bless you all
Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve
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9 comments:
Awww Steve it is hard to WANT to let go of the "old" us sometimes, but ,like you said, look at where THAT got us! I think you have all the right stuff going on, and with God driving the bus, you will be OK!
Congrats on your (miraculous) FOUR MONTHS YAY, YAHOO...THE WAVE!!!, sorry, I HAD to add the wave 'cause BASEBALL SEASON IS HERE!LOL
love and HUGS
hhhhhang in there my friend! All it takes is a decision, a decision to become willing to open the door and let God in just a scooch... A day at a time, sir you're doin great! Good job getting through the rehabs and all, sorry I haven't come by in awhile, having a tough time keeping up with all my blogger buds!
We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understood him.
CARE is the key word here Steve. Keep doing what you are doing, and you will continue to be cared for. I know it looks all muddy sometimes. Love, Meg
My therapist tells this corny joke about "how many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. But the lightbulb really has to want to be changed."
I actually have come to like that joke.
Hang in there. Be kind to yourself. You're worth it.
~Judith
You know Steve, in a different way I know what you are talking about. I was molested for years by two of my uncles and when I was 29 years old all of that came back to haunt me. I was an angry, angry, bitter, bitter person. Everything in my life always went back to my childhood, I had all these health problems because of being so angry, it is a huge, sad story, but the thing that I found was that I had to let go, and give up my "crutch" of having been molested so I could finally move on with life. One day I was tired of saying to myself that "because I was molested, now I am this way, or I believe that way." It was a long hard process, to forgive my uncles and go to them and tell them I have forgiven them, but oh the freedom in my soul when that happened. I gave my life to God and I became born again and he has healed all that for me. I no longer go through life with a crutch to say this is why I do the things I do and say the things I say and feel the things I feel. Yes, I will always know I was molested, but no, my life is not geared around it. I can look my uncles in the eye and feel nothing but normal thoughts now. I have been set free.
I guess I shared this with you for encouragement, in a different way, your life has been ruined, but there is so much hope out there if you can just hang on tight to God and let go like you said. I am rooting for you and for your wife. I think she is a strong woman and must love you, still, for coming by and taking you along to the meetings and eating with you. It is all a blessing. What a great testimony you will have one day. Keep up the faith brother and never give up. God and his merciful grace are there and will help you through each hurdle.
Blessings,
Ellie
PS, I hope I haven't said too much, or was out of line saying what I did. Just trying to be an encouragement. :)
Progress.
You can't get it all at once. This is a project for a lifetime.
Yes Steve, I know first hand that an alcoholic can really change.
I suppose you hear this a lot, but you really are doing great.
You are learning and growing.
Praying you up, Dude!
Yes exactly, in some moments I can phrase that I jibe consent to with you, but you may be in the light of other options.
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