What you are about to read are the effects of alcoholism on a spouse. It can turn a once outgoing loving person into a shell. It cuts deep into ones fabric. It causes scars that may never heal. It causes pain that may never go away. It hurts all that it touches. This is her story of what happened. I'm posting this with her consent.
I'm dreaming. I see a bird. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Its radiant, the colors of the feathers are so vivid, the shape of the animal is in perfect balance. As I drift closer to it in my dreamstate, I realize the bird is trying to fly away. But it's trapped in a cage. It seems very afraid, panic-stricken. I don't understand how to convey that I just want to look at it, not hurt it. But the bird just continues to beat itself against the inside of the cage in an effort to escape. I am close enough now to notice that the bird has been doing this for quite awhile, I can see it is very broken and bloody. There are feathers all over the ground from it trying to escape scrutiny. Very gently, I am able to unlock the cage and very quietly, I move away. The animal has exhausted itself from its efforts and has settled down. After I move away a few steps, I stop and simply watch. I can see every individual feather, in all the different colors and layers covering the body, the wings, the tail, I can see the beak and the eyes, watching me. Very cautiously, it approaches the opening I left in the cage, testing, making sure the door is not going to be slammed shut on it at the last possible second. It pauses for several seconds, feeling unsure of how to proceed. I blink and it's gone. It's only now that I realize that I am the bird. And I'm soaring through the sky, feeling the air of freedom, breathing the exhilaration of freedom. I know that I will heal, my body can take care of that. I also know that I will not allow myself to be caught and locked in another cage.
L.G.
When I read this to my group while still in Rehab, I could not stop crying. I can not go back and change a thing. I can only live in the day. Today I choose not to drink. Today she now chose never to be locked up again. May I never lock her or anyone else in the cage again.
Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve
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17 comments:
That's a really lovely piece of written work.
We keep ourselves enslaved too you know. In a very similar fashion. What we do to each other we do to ourselves. That's why it says, treat your brother as you would treat YOURSELF.
I think you'll find if you look closely that you disallow yourself many things too, forgiveness, for fear you will see a bad Steve if you let yourself off the hook. all sorts of stuff!
but yes, we are guilty of all this and more. that's why our very existence depends upon us learning humility and compassion for ALL our failings.
Its a sobering journey! but VERY VERY worth it.
Your wife sounds like she is embarking on a fabulous new level of growth. this can only be a good thing. The past is water under the bridge. Just concentrate on living compassionately TODAY, and the rest will take care of itself..
Well Steve, I must say that I have noticed a few changes around here...
a) You have changed the look of your blog, it looks cleaner, lighter
b) In your profile you say you've learned to love yourself again
c) One of the promises appears to be coming true for you "...we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it.."
YOU are back and better than ever (better, stronger, faster, oops sorry that's Steve the $6 million man!!!)
But seriously, I am glad that you are getting on with the job of staying sober today, it suits you so well! HUGS
thinking of you this evening, God Bless You and your wife
What this was: dis-ease. You have found peace and now the symptoms of dis ease will melt away. Picture what you want, the wonderful kids, a beautiful home, what do you want for yourself? Just picture it and hold onto the picture - it will come to you. The how is not yours to wonder about. The Why is that YOU ARE WONDERFUL AND DESERVE IT.
Thoughts Become Things...choose the good ones!
Thanks dmg, I LOVE that quote!
Thoughts Become Things...choose the good ones!
I posted it on my sidebar!
Wow - I thank your wife for sharing that.
Congratulations on getting through rehab and getting back to the rest of the work.
It sounds like you are on the right path. Be kind to yourself. All of my best wishes go to you and your family as you go forward in your recovery. The best is yet to come.
~Judith
Hi steve! hope you are well today!
Whew, my thoughts and prayers for you and your family, Steve. It is, most definitely a family disease.....
Peace to all of you,
Scout
Stop by my blog again because you have been tagged.
When you are both free of the cage of addiction you have a chance to soar together.
Steve, this is my first time on your blog (thx for stopping by mine), and I must say, it is wonderful. I have found that we are all in cages with the addiction. I put myself in one, along with my family. Now with my hubby, I was in one again. It is so nice that she is standing by you, Love does work wonders for all of us. I will be reading you often, and praying for you and yours. Just remember, at the end of the day, its another day down!
Holy Cow!! I just finished reading the last few entries of your blog. First let me say, thanks for stopping by mine so that I could find you. Then I have to say, you took me right back. Right back to my days of just before I came to the program. 4 trips into the hospital, none of which at the time were said to be because of alcohol abuse, I had to find that out my own insane way. After trying to take my life 4 times I accidently walked into the halls of AA. What a gift.
I remember my days there, how peaceful I felt, I wanted to hold onto that feeling forever. I remember fearing my journey home, what would happen to me when I lef tthe safeness of the rooms I had come to know, the people who helped get me through and loved me back to life for days on end.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is a gift.
Steve, there is a "Thinking Award" waiting for you in The Cedar Chest if you care to open it and find it.
Message From Noor
I'm sorry, Michael. I'm in a Cyber Cafe in town right now. I can't get access to my Internet since last Friday's night. I guess my CPU was struck down by lightning. I forgot to take out the telephone line and I pay dearly for my carelessness.
I can't always go to my friends' house just to use their computer and this Cyber Cafe are using, most of them are using dial-up connection and it took ages for anything to get loaded. I didn't get the chance to visit all my Recovery Friends' blog and I hope you will spread the words around about my predicaments whenever you visit them.
I'm reaching out for your help to tell them all. You can use My Sacred Links to visit and leave a message on their blogs.
I don't know when I shall be online again. Still waiting for their technician to repair my PC. I was told it may take at least two weeks before I shall be online again.
Oo boy, how can you live without your beloved PC for two long weeks?
Please Michael, I'm counting on you. See you in two weeks time. Bye for now...
I'm here via Ellie and her Cedar Chest.
That was a very moving post. I'll be reading more.
Keep on keepin' on. Time, and amends, can heal all the wounds we have made - in ourselves and others. The damage done CAN be repaired. Sounds like you are both heading down a path of healing. I'll keep both of you in my prayers. BEAUTIFUL writing. Thank you so much for sharing.
Time for Steve To get off the pitty pot. I don't have a job anymore, but I have myself. With that and a HP I can do anything! Going outside to enjoy the day that GOD has made for us.
If you are looking into the future, and living in the past you are pissing on Today.
Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve
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