Friday, May 11, 2007

Very Lonely

Morning all. Where do i start in the mush brain of mine. Tho I feel Lonely I know that I am not alone. I have the have hands off aa, your thoughts and prayers, and most of all I have a HP. Today for the first time I wish that I could just plug the zip drive into my head, and download here. My mind wonders this morning, hard to stay on one subject. My head wants to feel something besides pain, my heart is longing to feel serenity, my body is just aching from the unknown. I was warned that in early sobriety it is a roller coaster ride which implies there are ups. All I feel is the downs,,down,,,down...The ups are there, I just focus on the downs. The ups are the things on my Daily gratitude list. It is that skinny bony little boy that almost missed the bus. It is the troubled teenager that thinks that drugs is his only friend. It is the fact that even if my wife does want a divorce we can still talk. It is the fact my mother will spend another mothers day with her mother in Chicago before coming home from FL. It is all the phone calls I got back on Tues and Wed when my world was falling apart. Ten mins ago I could and you could only see the downs on this ride. I hurt so much that its all i feel some days. But today i choose to feel life. A clean and sober life. One with love and Joy. friends and family to hold me. And most important a life with coffee, brb.......

My son went to a counseling apt. yesterday. He didn't run out, but not happy about it. All in all it went well. He is hurting so bad, he thinks that the only way to find happiness is thru drugs. He is cutting now. Last night after the session, my wife came over here. We spent some time together, showing the boys that we always don't fight, and that things will settle down.

Sat morning now. I'm not going to go into the giant tail of woeeee about money. But yesterday I got one of those certified letters. Notice of default on the house. The house was already in foreclosure. We restructured the loan, with the condition not to be late any more payments, and we are paying a 1 1/2 payments a month. Well Last months payment was 8 days late. We have until the 18th to come up with with the entire amount to bring us current and along with June payment. I made the comment yesterday, that I have been buying new shoes just so the other one could fall. But everyday even though the other shoe may have fallen, I put on another. I got up this morning to figure this out. I am facing the facts, not drowning them away like the old days. I am sober and I know that drinking will not make the mortgage payment, medical bill, put food on the table pay for a lawyer,,,,etc the rest of everyday bills....

Have a great weekend...
Peace
Steve

PS... Stop by and leave Wagon Rider congrads on 5 months of CLEAN and SOBER time, and of course his wife "estranged wife" for all of her support for J****. the are listed on my links. And congrads to all for another 24 hours...

9 comments:

lushgurl said...

Hey Steve, I hope today finds you enjoying the fresh air outdoors, the freedom from pain and the love of life that you share with your boys...
I also hope you catch lotsa fish, I just love a good fish tale LOL
Love and HUGS

Nay said...

Hey Steve --

Go read Financial Peace by Dave Ramsey and look at his website.

If you need us we're here.

jdansmom@gmail.com

Thanks for mentioning us. Keeping you and your young'ns in our prayers.

Nay

Anonymous said...

Hi Steve,

I have decided to get out of the blog world for a time and take a break so I deleted my blog and am going around saying good bye to everyone. I will still be around to read your blog from time to time, I just won't have my own blog for now. I may start one up in the future, but for now I must focus on some other things in my life. It has been so interesting to come here and read your thoughts and to sort of live out this journey of beating alcoholism with you. A very raw blogger, you are. I wish you well and you keep doing what you are doing..moment by moment, hand in hand with God.

Blessings,

Ellie

Scott M. Frey said...

MC had a neet little thing on her blog this morning something like... Life is good - if I will look for the good. If I look for the bad, believe me, I will find it.

way to go, looking for the good, it's there!

prayers and hugs to you and your family, my friend!

Anonymous said...

Love and peace to you, Steve.
Scout

ArahMan7 said...

You're always in my prayer, Steve.

Sylvia said...

It may not be appropriate but {{{hugs}}} to you Steve. You are not alone, your blogger friends are here for you when you need us.

Tiffanie said...

Sounds to me like you've got the right idea... counting your blessings. Of which there are many.

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