Very Lonely

Morning all. Where do i start in the mush brain of mine. Tho I feel Lonely I know that I am not alone. I have the have hands off aa, your thoughts and prayers, and most of all I have a HP. Today for the first time I wish that I could just plug the zip drive into my head, and download here. My mind wonders this morning, hard to stay on one subject. My head wants to feel something besides pain, my heart is longing to feel serenity, my body is just aching from the unknown. I was warned that in early sobriety it is a roller coaster ride which implies there are ups. All I feel is the downs,,down,,,down...The ups are there, I just focus on the downs. The ups are the things on my Daily gratitude list. It is that skinny bony little boy that almost missed the bus. It is the troubled teenager that thinks that drugs is his only friend. It is the fact that even if my wife does want a divorce we can still talk. It is the fact my mother will spend another mothers day with her mother in Chicago before coming home from FL. It is all the phone calls I got back on Tues and Wed when my world was falling apart. Ten mins ago I could and you could only see the downs on this ride. I hurt so much that its all i feel some days. But today i choose to feel life. A clean and sober life. One with love and Joy. friends and family to hold me. And most important a life with coffee, brb.......

My son went to a counseling apt. yesterday. He didn't run out, but not happy about it. All in all it went well. He is hurting so bad, he thinks that the only way to find happiness is thru drugs. He is cutting now. Last night after the session, my wife came over here. We spent some time together, showing the boys that we always don't fight, and that things will settle down.

Sat morning now. I'm not going to go into the giant tail of woeeee about money. But yesterday I got one of those certified letters. Notice of default on the house. The house was already in foreclosure. We restructured the loan, with the condition not to be late any more payments, and we are paying a 1 1/2 payments a month. Well Last months payment was 8 days late. We have until the 18th to come up with with the entire amount to bring us current and along with June payment. I made the comment yesterday, that I have been buying new shoes just so the other one could fall. But everyday even though the other shoe may have fallen, I put on another. I got up this morning to figure this out. I am facing the facts, not drowning them away like the old days. I am sober and I know that drinking will not make the mortgage payment, medical bill, put food on the table pay for a lawyer,,,,etc the rest of everyday bills....

Have a great weekend...
Peace
Steve

PS... Stop by and leave Wagon Rider congrads on 5 months of CLEAN and SOBER time, and of course his wife "estranged wife" for all of her support for J****. the are listed on my links. And congrads to all for another 24 hours...