Working my program. Last night without saying a word I wasn't working anything. I was just doing what I could to say in the moment. To stay in the day, not the past, not the future. My wife,,,it hurts just to say that,,,and I had a counseling appointment last night. It started out bad and just got worse. With everything happening with the house, she might have to move back in and i would move over to my parents so there would only be one payment a month. The conversion got ugly, her letting go of years of resentment, and hurt. I pulled back into myself, just wanting to get up and run away, run to my friend. I just wanted to be numb again. I cried in front of her like I never cried before. i finally spoke, not words but swords, knives right thru the heart. I yelled you don't want to move back in to our house since you would have to leave the Love shack of yours. In all the years of marriage she was never unfaithful. i accused her of it all the time. Would question why it took over an hour at the store. How come she took a long lunch hour. Now I have more trust for her than I ever have. A little late, a lot to late. i yelled at her because it was a defense I used in the past. i was back to that again. I was shaking, i wanted to run, run fast. The counselor asked what i felt,,,what emotions did i feel. i couldn't talk, she asked what I was doing for Steve, and what I was doing to be safe. The answer scared me.Nothing, nothing at all. i have put all my effort into bringing her back that I failed myself. I have been to busy trying to save the marriage and my kids that I forgot about Steve.
I went to a blog this morning,,kicking my monkey and read about her relapse, and how she was afraid of putting others first before herself. I can not afford to do that. None of us can. Believe it or not Al-anon has helped me worry about me, more than the problems with others. I now have two programs my AA program that I deal with my problems with alcohol, and Al-anon where I deal with the problems of alcohol in loved ones. They both mirror each other, but with Al-anon it really focuses on leaving the guilt aside. Saving yourself. But I will not let saving myself hurt others. Thats my downfall of both programs. I still put her and my kids first. They are my life, my reason for waking daily, My Life.
i know talk to my sponsor..Well thats the other problem i need a new one. i need a new everything. Why can't people just like me be. i don't want to call others. i don't want to go out in the world. i just want to grow and figure out who Steve is TodAAy. I need to get out more, but I am scared of what is beyond these doors. I am doing better about getting out. But could be better, should be better. If its not a meeting or town board Bisiness or Fire call i don't leave. I need a life, I need my life back. i want to feel something other than pain, guilt and a quick glimpse of happiness.
It is almost 80 outside, i cut the grass for the first time in years without a drink in my hand. thats says a lot. I am working my program todAAy. i just need to keep the evil twin off my shoulder. Keep all of you with my thoughts and prayers. I need to keep in my mind that my HP has a sense of humor, by slapping me in the face when i lose focus. i need to remember him riding up on his Harley and saying "I love you Steve, just in case no one told you today, i Love you!"
peace
Steve
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7 comments:
Find a sponsor who has what you'd like to have. Do what he/she tells you to do.
Steve, you are so worth your own time and effort!! I agree with Daave here...find a man in the program that has what you want for STEVE. Go to him....and ask for his help.
You know that I had to hurt like hell to get to the point of wanting this for ME and not for ANYONE else. I know from experience that this is the only way to freedom for me. Life sucks sometimes, but still I have faith that at least today I have a choice to go on, to go on sober, to keep trudging... You do too. I am looking for a new sponsor too, I know I won't find her if I'm sitting on my ass at home....
Taking care of you---is the hardest thing to do. But, it needs to be done. You are doing great Steve, you really are.
You cut the grass for the first time in years without a drink. That says a lot, Steve.
If nothing else, you're being honest with yourself. That's a big step when recovering from addiction...being able to recognize what went on in the interaction with your wife and what you were trying to accomplish with your responses is the first step to getting better. IMHO...
a day at a time, my friend... and well, you do have to keep yourself in mind first, you're worth getting sober.. and remember, if you can get your stuff together, how can you possibly help those around you! That's what is meant by AA being a selfish program. We gota get sober for ourselves first, then we might be in good enough space to help those around us. Often times, the best qway to help those around us is simply to stop living in our disease and live in recovery. You're trying to do that a day at a time, so keep trying my friend!
God Bless!
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