Feelings...I least I know if I am crying I still have feelings. First my son is home. sleept outside all night in the rain, and then went to school. The school cop called me...
Back to feelings. Last night at a meeting we talked about the 9th step.Made direct amends...One person said something that was like a slap across the face. Making those amends to myself. Thats seems like the hardest. I'm losing everything around me due to this DZ and my lack of power over it for years. I I know now that I have turned it over...At times i agree with my wife I had a choose to stop drinking whenever i wanted. The dz was stronger than me, still is. I look at my wedding band and know how strong this DZ is. Just looking at that has kept me sober. Knowing what I have lost to Alcohol. losing my son to another addiction. As Scott usually writes "Keep on Keeping on" that's all I can do today, just keep on keepin on. Stay in the day...Don't pick up that first drink..This to shall pass...
There is a guy that I see every now and then at meetings. Big Biker dude. think he was a shrink in his past life. Some of the things he says makes me wonder is it is god under that leather. He was at a table with me last night After I shared and we closed the meeting he walked up to me and said just in case no one told you today.."Steve I love you" and gave me a hug. It felt like the entire hands of AA were holding me then. And they were
Today ....
I'm grateful for the hands of AA
I'm grateful for my son being home safe and sound
I'm grateful to be sober
I'm grateful for an understanding family
I'm grateful for some much in my life today
I'm grateful that it is 80 outside
I'm grateful that I'm going outside
Sorry I have a boat to get ready for a hot date with boys......
Steve
I am grateful that my niece showed my mom how to find this blog. Thinking about this saddens me how she has to read this, to find out how I am really doing. Everybody reading my blog really knows how I am doing, just taking it by the minute, some days the second. I don't think I have told my family exactly how I am feeling. Still trying to be that reslient kid everybody thinks I am. I'm not and never had been, holding it in all these years, drinking to forget. but today i don't have to do that anymore. It hurts, but thats ok to hurt and its ok to cry, its ok to so emtion this is something I never allowed myself to show to others, and is hard for me to do that yet.
peace again
About Me
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- Sober Steve
- Wisconsin, United States
- I'm a Forty year old male. This is the first time in 23 years that I walk down a sober path. I started this journey to save my marriage. Now I continue down this path for myself. These are my struggles trying to make it thru just another 24 hours. It took losing my wife to find Love, love for myself.
11 comments:
Praying you up, man.
Enjoy the fishing.
Blessings.
We all love you, Steve. Just go as easy as you can.
I love the idea of God as a big biker dude in leather. Now there is a diety concept I can get behind. Although I did rather like George Burns as God, even if the cigar was a bit of a turn off even if it kinda fit.
You have an opportunity to grow from what you are going through right now. It's all a matter of perspective. You use the shit as manure, ya know? All's not lost because you're finding Steve. He's worth seeing.
Love ya, man. Have fun fishing. I'm so glad your eldest turned up safely. And it's cool your mom and niece are seeing the real you here too.
~Judith
Keep letting your AA buds..pull you thru. God has your son. AND YOUR back.
God is love, God is forgiveness, God is grace.
Grace is a powerful word. If God the epitomy of our ideal of perfection can forgive you, then you need to forgive yourself.
We are commanded to forgive, not seven times but seventy times seven -- I truly believe that includes forgiving ourselves.
You have been reborn. You are created in Gods image -- You deserve to forgive Steve.
Cause I love Steve too. :O)
(Hope not to offend, but that is my idea of my HP)
Nay
Some days we just need a hug even from a big biker dude. Scout gave me a hug today, just what I needed. Here's more {{{hugs}}} for you Steve.
Keep the faith, Steve.
sorry its a bit ! sucky at the moment stevie. i hope it gets better soon. i like the sound of that biker bloke. cool. your son has his own higher power you know. just do your lousy best. thats alll i do. thanks for stopping by and wishing me luck and all that..
I am sober taking it second by second. The saying about the other show falling it fall. Fall hard, think I'm on the 5th pair this week. But i just pick up another pair, instead of a drink! If God allows me to make it another 24 hours it will be a miracle. I'm crying, so i still have feelings. Today i told my wife is that the only thing that is keeping me from drinking is to know that Steve would never return. I hurt so bad that i feel I would slip so far over the edge nothing again could bring me back to sanity. So I must Choose to work my program TodAAy.
peace
It has taken me many years to learn to ease up on myself. It is a concept that has not come easily to me. Today I use the word "gentle." I am gentle with myself.
Enjoy your boating~
You know, there was a time when I wasn't able to forgive myself for some things I had done and I was telling my aunt about it and she told me something that helped me to understand the power of God.
She said, "When we keep asking God over and over again to be forgiven for something we have done, after the first time God is looking at us puzzled saying, "What sin?" The reason is because when God forgives a sin he is also able to forget about it and he doesn't look at us for that sin anymore. That is the picture of forgiveness.
My aunt then told me that I don't have the ability to forget what I have done in the past, but that whenever I am reminded about the things I have done, that I need to remind myself that my sin is forgiven, God no longer remembers it and that I can now move on.
What I want to say to you is this, "Steve, give yourself permission to move on, if you have asked God for forgiveness for the things you have done and regret in your life and you were truly sorry when you asked him, he is no longer condemning you and you are allowed to move on."
Sure, you may live with some consequences of your past, but God will provide you with strength and courage to work through each issue.
I will pray for you on this subject. I know it is hard, but once you understand what God has done in forgiving you, you will also understand just how easy it really is. You ask, God forgives, you move on.
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