I have seem to have lost the program that has been been working so good for me these last 11 months. Things are moving so fast towards that one year mark. I have already past one year with something else. It was just a year ago that my wife said this was the last argument she was going to have with me. Enough was enough. I look back and think about that night. I tried being funny, came out sideways and everything was different. If it didn't happen that night it would of been soon, and no more I'm sorries, and I;ll do better would not bring her back. So today a year later where am I? Claiming my part, trying very hard to pick up my side of the wreckage. My problem is the wreckage on the other side is from me. The reactions from her and my kids where because of me and this DZ. I know its there butt They most deal with it. Learn to heal of their own. This is the part that hurts, they are healing, and they don't want me around. My wife I understand, but my oldest hurts the most. I don't think we will ever be ok again. The other day he had a hearing with social services about his problems. I made arrangements for a conference call from Portland. I talked to him the night before, and to make a long story short. I said I wanted to be there. His words are stilling ringing in my ears. "NO!!! I don't want you there!! You have been around lately, but where have you been for the last 16 years of my life. You can't now decide to be my father now. It doesn't work that Way." I told him that I wasn't there for so long. I said the I'm sorry, and I'm here for you now, but it wasn't working. I said I want to be there for you,,,then he hung up on me.
I was lost in an IEKA store in Portland looking for candy that he wanted. I found it and bought it, it was now 9 pm. I remembered looking at a meeting list a 10 pm meeting somewhere in town. I jumped in the rent a car and drove. Driving past the bright neon signs was getting harder by the moment. I was on the phone with a girl that I have been seeing with her giving me turn by turn turn instructions from map quest,,,(to cheap for a TOM_TOM) I found the meeting. a few moments late, but there. It was a someones B-day 4 years. At this group he chairs the meeting, and calls on others to share basically about him. I didn't want that. I needed to share, I needed to be heard rushed thru my mind. It can't be about him. ITS about me today. I need you.
After the meeting I went and hugged him and introduced myself, he apologized about the bragging on going on about him. I told him that it was ok. But in my mind it wasn't. I stood outside, being an outsider trying to get into a conversion. I asked this guys sponsor how to get back towards the airport. To told me then made some small talk. He said something then just walked away. why you bastard rushed thru my mind. I walked away heading towards that car, with a mission. I went to the car getting ready for what I thought would be my last drunk. The meeting didn't help me I thought. I wanted to talk to share. Just as I started the car a lady knocked on the window, said John I think was getting me a meeting list and a phone list. I went and talked to them again. Feeling better about things, not great just better. I left and headed back to the hotel. WITH OUT Drinking.
I felt better the next morning. Respecting my sons wishes I didn't call. It wasn't about me. As I thought that night. I have grown so much in the last six months. Before I would of called, he would of been pissed off. I would of probably said something to that guy who's b-day it was. But today I don't have to. I'm so much better off. I most live in today, and not look so far ahead i will do much better.
peace
hugs and kisses
Steve
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6 comments:
You are doing good Steve, keep it up. Any time you need to talk, I am here and I do understand your feelings. I have been through them and still are going through some. Slowly but surely I am dragging myself back up. Its a long trip but worth it to be me again. It is a journey you are making and seems to me, you are on track.
Steve, you are doing so great. I wish I could have been there with you to listen.
I'm glad you didn't drink. I'm glad you're one of us and NOT drinking.
Peace, man, peace.
xoxox,
Judy
Steve, my friend, you have had a rough road, what with the family strife and all... But remember, he is 16, and 16 yr olds love to hate their parents, even when we don't give them any reason to be mad. So, you gotta take some of what he sayd with a grain of salt. Plus, mama might be coloring his opinion of you, ya never know.
Dont give up, just give him some time and space and continue to be the best dad you can. He can get as pissed as he wants, but you're still his dad.
Dude, hang in there, keep going to those meetings and praying!
big hugs man, biiig hugs!
got gtalk? If so and you need to chat I'm almost always online.
Nay
let me know :)
I was forced to make the dreaded telephone call and posted about it. It was not as bad as I thought and I do not die for fall apart. I found that I am stronger than I thought.
GREAT!
There is sooooo much to learn from the Big Book.
Restraint of pen and tongue being one great thing.
Your relationship with your family will change, just as you have and will continue to do. Don't ever give up.
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