I think it a whole lot lately. Last week was nine months. Nine long months of this new life, but still I find the door that I never shut opening back up. Last Sunday I was cleaning my garage out, back up north still haven't sold the house yet. I found a can a beer, warm, yes my mind raced I dumped it out, thinking I have my nine in. Getting my chip in the morning, who would know. would I tell anyone. The the one that lied to cover lies to cover lies to cover me up. I so lost in my thoughts that I don;t know if I'm typing or rambling. My computer crashed a couple of weeks ago, that was fine with me, no blogging, no one to save me, stopped goping to meeting, stopped caring about myself again. I relasped and I just haven't had that first drink yet.
I feel like this is day one all over so scared so alone, so empty. I can't help but bet myself up lately. Kids gone, school starting the oldest saying that he is going to choose to live with his mother and not vist. The lawyers trying to get me to throw mud. My up-north sponsor telling me to remeber what I put my wife throw so let her have what see wants. My heart telling me it can't stand the pain, my brain saying run, but to what to where.
I hurt but I know that having a drink isn't going to solve anything. I learned that much in the program I learned to trust, but why can't i call. I need to find a spomsor down here, i need to find a home group, hell i need to pick up a phone list, I need,,,I need,,I need. But all I want is to forget forget what I learned.
No meeting tonight,,,don't have a phone list,,,prayer and mediation is all I have all I need. i need any alcoholic to talk to I need you, I need the newcomer to remind me that it still sucks out there.
peace hugs kisses
Steve
Im going back to look for a few emial address of fellow bloggers for help
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7 comments:
I got your comment. Sent our email and an updated meeting list. Keep reaching out.
Hi Steve. Lots of fellow bloggers here to help, your pain came across loud and clear Steve.
yeh it would be a good idea to find a sponsor down local to you. Getting to a meeting asap is gonna help. Use your old phone list and make connections with people up there for the time being. Call up your sponsor, say how it is.
get honest about your loneliness.
Theres a few suggestions give out by our homegroup, may help you get grounded again...
http://johnojohno.blogspot.com/2007/09/some-suggestions-that-helped-some-us.html
Take care :)
email me any time my friend... I hate to hear ya hurting... there's certainly nothing you can improve with a drink, never forget that!
smfloan@gmail.com We can even have a phone conversation if you care to. peace love and hugs right back at you!
congratulation on 9 months! well done!!! stick around and tell us more...
Jerry Says:
Ah, Micky.
If you weren’t so pernicious, you’d just be silly. But sadly, your closed mind, frozen spirit, and hard heart make you a menace to those who are vulnerable to this particular kind of madness.
Look: let X = AA, and let Y = your views. In that equation, I am thrilled, and delighted, and will be eternally grateful, that I have been blessed with X rather than condemned to Y. Since you’re clearly just trolling in waters that are greatly beyond your own depth, I’ll just end this senseless exchange here, let you embarrass yourself (and unfortunatley, truly spiritual Christians everywhere) with whatever final post you wish to make, and then let these healing waters return to calmness.
Be well,
Jerry M.
Micky Says:
Greetings Jerry
is your fear starting to surface, (I’ll just end this senseless exchange here, let you embarrass yourself ) Jerry? Stay with the fear & feel it - your process is not about me. Can you see how you have a conscious fear of intimacy (I’ll just end this senseless exchange…) & how you want to “run away,” like a terrified “little boy!” I imagine you are an EMOTIONAL COWARD & you have used the 12 Steps to medicate your feelings or (non - feelings). Did you know that Bill Wilson was insane? Are you insane, Jerry? I suggest you get down on your knees & ask Jesus Christ to forgive you for your diatribe (sins).
23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 6:23 (New International Version)
Peace Be With You
Micky
DOES ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS FOCUS ON JESUS CHRIST?
AGENTS FOR SATAN:
A DOZEN STEPS
REASON A SEASON A LIFETIME
AAWAKENINGS
ALCOHOLIC BRAIN
ANONYMOUS ALCOHOLIC
ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE
BIG SKY MAACK
BLUE'S THOUGHTS
COFFEE BITCH
DRAGON SPEAK
FLOWERDAVES PAGES
FROM THE FIRST CHAKRA (MSB)
HIGHER POWERED
I'M JUST F.I.N.E.
INMATEZ WIFE
IT'S A GIRL THING
LUSH FOR LIFE
MY JOURNEY TO RECOVERY
MY LIFE IN TAMPA
NO COMMENT
OUTRIGHT MENTAL DEFECTIVE
POSTCARDS FROM CUPCAKE MONKEY
RAANCH
RECOVERY ROAD
RIDIN' ON THE WAGON
SCOUT'S NEWCOMER DAZE
SIMPLY ANNA
SOBER CHICK
SOBER MOM
SOBER NUGGETS
SOBERING THOUGHTS
SOBERINSANITY
STAY AT HOME MOTHERDOM
STAYING STRAIGHT EDGE
THIS UNMANAGEABLE LIFE
THY WILL, NOT MINE
TODAAY
TWELVEBEADS
TWO DOGS BLOGGING
YOU AND ME ARE FLOATING...
Peace Be With You
Micky
Sober Steve Said:
In 2 hours I managed to drink a case. I stumbled out to my stand, one that was broken, that I feel out of the day before sober. Got up in that stand feeling sorry for myself. Knowing what I felt about my life must be true, that I was worthless, no good and just a drunk. I loaded my gun, said a prayer, the lord is my Sheppard, I shall not want; I placed the muzzle of the gun in my mouth reached down and pulled the trigger. The drunken idiot that I was forgot to load the chamber. Wouldn't make that mistake again, I was getting could feet know. Rigged the gun this time when I lowered it would go off facing me...that still didn't work. I cried I couldn't even kill myself. I sat and drank my last can of beer I had with. Stumbled back to the camper, had my youngest with no license drive us to dinner in town? His mother did this often had to drive. I just then realized I was passing this down to my kids.
Dear Steve
I felt some pain and sadness reading your post - and relief that you didn’t succeed in your suicide attempt. I can relate to feeling worthless (SHAME) and I imagine that is how you felt as a child. I suggest you see a counsellor who does INNER CHILD work. Going to AA doesn’t deal with ones core issues. You will get temporary relief, but you will end up selling your soul to Satan (AA). Jesus Christ is the only way out for you. I suggest you turn to Him, and not AA, or you will end up a SHAPE SHIFTING REPTILE. Satan got Wilson sober so he could delude millions of people like you. You are a SINNER, Steve, and the only way you will be TRANSFORMED, is through the saving GRACE of our LORD JESUS CHRIST. I can speak from experience - AA nearly sent me insane. And it was only when I asked Jesus Christ to have mercy on me, and forgive me my sins, that I was DELIVERED. Where do you think your soul would have gone, if you had been successful in your suicide attempt? I care about you Steve! Your fellow 12 Step BLOGGERS will only feed of you- they are Satan’s disciples. Did you know that Jesus Christ is not mentioned in the BIG BOOK or any AA literature? Think about it, Steve?
PEACE BE WITH YOU
MICKY
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