Walking together on my Path

On November 28, 2006 I started to walk down a new path, one with hope and sobriety. I later titled a blog "Alone on my path". 118 days later, I now know how wrong I was. In the early days of my sobriety I felt all alone. As each day in sobriety passed more and more of my past begin to surface. Things in my past that I drank to forget. I talked about the pieces of my family that were scattered along this new path. to many to take with. I entered rehab as a shell of a person. A person that i didn't know. A person that no-one knew. After reading the poem from my wife how this DZ and my problem with it shattered her world. I have come to a better understanding the long term effect of this on the family. My wife rented a house almost two months ago. Tonight is the first night she is spending it in her house. She stood by my side this whole time I was in rehab. Tonight it is my turn to stand by her side. I had a 45 day time out from the world. She had to pick up what little things I did around here, and to do everything by herself. With a lot of help from the kids that I left here that have now turned into young men. They keep on telling me that this is a shellfish program, she has a program to thru Al-alon. She put that on the side burner till I could stand on my own. I owe her for that. She does need space to heal. As she says she is so close to the problem that she can not see it. Can not see the trees thru the forest.

We need to learn to talk again. But before that I told her something must happen. Yes the eyes glowed, flames started to build, I was telling her how to think, old behavior. But this time it was good. I told her I was going to do something no matter what she thought. Told her many people will be helping me with this. "Honey, Let us Love you, until you learn to Love yourself again." She tried to hold back the tears. No matter what I LOVE HER.

Thanks Lushgurl glad you notice I noticed too, a softer and gentle side of Steve. Yes i see that the promises are starting to work in my life. I feel peace in my heart today.

I'm going to paste the original post of Alone on my path. But I now know I'm not alone. Millions of people are walking with me on this path.

peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve

Today I tried to walk the new path in my life. I felt lost, and alone. I have heard and talked about this new path, new way of life for me. One with sobriety, and people there to guide me. I felt hurt, abandoned and left out to dry. I had the numbers of new friends that I have met at the AA meeting. The blogs and words of wisdom from others. But still I could not move my feet.

This new path that I had chosen looked familiar. The path was littered with broken parts of objects. It was hard to move without stepping on something. I bent over to move something, and then I saw what I was standing on. For these were no ordinary objects they were all pieces, pieces of myself, pieces that were torn off my body during my self-destruction. My hands became very full. I picked up another piece to see it was part of my wife, another part of my kids, parts from my family. I slowly began to cry. These are parts that my family and friends lost because of my drinking. The parts that were lost that are now replaced with walls. I quickly picked up what I could. My hands began to fill up again. So many parts, so much hurt. I had to make a decision, what could I bring and what could I leave behind. Night was beginning to upon this trail. The stars began to shine. I sat there on a stump looking at each piece. My sons missing me at teacher conferences, my wife missing my compassion. SO much hurt. To much to take. I need to bring these pieces back. I needed to fix them. Fix the problems that I had caused.

As I sat there, crying now, I picked up a piece. It brought a smile to my face, a twinkle to my eye. It was a person that I fell in love with many years ago. A friend that I hurt badly, I forgot all about this person, the love and good times we shared. The stories about trouble we avoided. The tales of childhood pranks. For this person that I hurt was not just any friend, not just any love, not just any memory. It was me.

I held that part tight close to my heart, dropping the others. I knew if I was to fix the others I must fix myself. I must begin to love myself. As God loved us so much that He gave us His only son, I must have that love for myself to give anything back. so when I stood to continue down this path, the other parts moved slightly. Just far enough out of the way not to be walked on, but close enough for me to remember the pain. I held myself tight, and walked. I began to notice other lights, voices began to be heard. Faces and other paths appeared. For this whole time that I thought I was alone, I wasn't. Others watched just out of sight. They knew that this was something I needed to do. Something I needed to know. I began to smile, not just me, but that part of me that was lost for so long. I found myself, and I love it. I am so filled with life, that I glow. As long as I can keep the others at my side, holding their lights, my path is brightly lit.

I promised myself to be back for the other parts, the parts from others that I have hurt. The people that I must make amends to. As soon as Steve is back, healthy, I will be back for them, and try to repair all the hurt I caused.