Dec 15, Day 17. Alone on my path

Today I tried to walk the new path in my life. I felt lost, and alone. I have heard and talked about this new path, new way of life for me. One with sobriety, and people there to guide me. I felt hurt, abandoned and left out to dry. I had the numbers of new friends that I have met at the AA meeting. The blogs and words of wisdom from others. But still I could not move my feet.

This new path that I had chosen looked familiar. The path was littered with broken parts of objects. It was hard to move without stepping on something. I bent over to move something, and then I saw what I was standing on. For these were no ordinary objects they were all pieces, pieces of myself, pieces that were torn off my body during my self-destruction. My hands became very full. I picked up another piece to see it was part of my wife, another part of my kids, parts from my family. I slowly began to cry. These are parts that my family and friends lost because of my drinking. The parts that were lost that are now replaced with walls. I quickly picked up what I could. My hands began to fill up again. So many parts, so much hurt. I had to make a decision, what could I bring and what could I leave behind. Night was beginning to upon this trail. The stars began to shine. I sat there on a stump looking at each piece. My sons missing me at teacher conferences, my wife missing my compassion. SO much hurt. To much to take. I need to bring these pieces back. I needed to fix them. Fix the problems that I had caused.

As I sat there, crying now, I picked up a piece. It brought a smile to my face, a twinkle to my eye. It was a person that I fell in love with many years ago. A friend that I hurt badly, I forgot all about this person, the love and good times we shared. The stories about trouble we avoided. The tales of childhood pranks. For this person that I hurt was not just any friend, not just any love, not just any memory. It was me.

I held that part tight close to my heart, dropping the others. I knew if I was to fix the others I must fix myself. I must begin to love myself. As God loved us so much that He gave us His only son, I must have that love for myself to give anything back. so when I stood to continue down this path, the other parts moved slightly. Just far enough out of the way not to be walked on, but close enough for me to remember the pain. I held myself tight, and walked. I began to notice other lights, voices began to be heard. Faces and other paths appeared. For this whole time that I thought I was alone, I wasn't. Others watched just out of sight. They knew that this was something I needed to do. Something I needed to know. I began to smile, not just me, but that part of me that was lost for so long. I found myself, and I love it. I am so filled with life, that I glow. As long as I can keep the others at my side, holding their lights, my path is brightly lit.

I promised myself to be back for the other parts, the parts from others that I have hurt. The people that I must make amends to. As soon as Steve is back, healthy, I will be back for them, and try to repair all the hurt I caused.