Dec 20, Day 22.

Feeling strange about the Christmas party thing. Not sure if I should attend or not. Talked to the AODA counselor about it, talk at group last night. Why, if everyone says it is a bad idea, do I want to go? She hit it on the head.

I'm pissed. I'm mad at my wife, in-laws, co-workers, fire department members. I'm pissed because they can drink and I can't. That anger is consuming me right now. The way that I consumed the drink, anger is slowly taking over my body. for everyday of sobriety, I gain more of myself back. This is the part of me that I buried in the drink. ANGER. When I would get upset, I stopped yelling, throwing things years ago. I changed to something even more destructive-alcohol. Bad days at work, meant more drinks at night. Bad night at home, more drinks at home. Move to the basement or garage, yard, away from others. I find myself losing it at the slightest problem. I'm acting like a simple mistake is the end of the world, from co-workers making a mistake, to my wife being busy at work and getting home late for lunch. This anger...this rage building inside scares me, scares me so much that I'm not sure who I'm turning into. 90% of the time I'm the Steve that L. and my family loved. Then this ugly side comes out of nowhere. No way to control it. Sometimes it takes all my courage to tame it. I am trying to control it, but it seems the harder I try the more it shows it's ugly head.

So why should I be so pissed at everyone because they can drink? I, Steve, am the one with problem, not them. I am the one who wants his life back. I am the alcoholic, not them. So why...why...why. I love the steps that I am taking in my life right now. I would not trade them for a drink anytime. I just need to control this part of me that is starting to consume my soul again. Somewhere in the big book I'm sure the answer is there. I need to find it myself, within myself.

At the AA meeting, they are closed with the Serenity Prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

I cannot change the fact that others drink.
I can and did change the fact that I can't drink anymore for me, it was leading me down a path of self-destruction.
And somehow God is guiding me through this knowing it is rough, but He is by my side holding my hand through this tempting time.

So this week, when glasses of good cheer are raised, I will raise one too, just alcohol freeeeeeeeee.