Dec 8th 2006...Day 10

As I sit here and think of the last ten days. I reflect back on the last ten years of my life. The things I missed, the people I hurt, the wife I lost, and the respect of my kids. Yesterday at counseling I was asked how did it feel that I chose alcohol over my family, even when I knew that it hurt them. I was told that I have control issues. I always want to be in control of things and people around me. Could this be the fact I couldn't control myself. The fact that alcohol has controlled me for so many years. I sit here and think of the what ifs and I wish I could take them back. Well to this day there is no magic trick for that to happen. I have to deal with the present, with effects of those actions. With time and Help I hope to restore the old Steve, the one who loved life, the one who cared about others.

Over the last couple years it was easier to bury my head in a can of beer, then it was to face my problems. Now I face it everyday, ME. I have hurt many of my friends and family. I never knew how far I had fallen. People I knew for only a short time saw I had a problem, but why couldn't I. I can only blame myself, NO ONE ELSE. I drank every can of beer, not them. I told myself if I ever turned out to be like my grandfather I would rather be dead. He was a mean functioning drunk who beat people closet to him. Well I should be dead, I turned out just like him. I don't beat people physically, but mentally, I am a drunk!

So on this day, day ten, i can only promise to the people that I have hurt that there is a new Steve coming. A caring and passionate man, one with a better understanding of what life is. What life is not. It is not a perfect clean house, perfect lawn, with not bikes or toys lying around, a perfect vacation. Life is nothing if you have driven everyone that cares about you away. The perfect house is nothing without a family. It may look nice from the outside, but the inside is dark and lonely. This is the way my heart feels now, dark, lonely, and empty. I hope and pray the stopping drinking and stop hurting the ones close to me can someday fill my life with love and laughter again.