Dec 19, Day 21. My first true love

I sit here and reflect on the 21 days in my life. The changes that I have gone through, physically and mentally. somewhere last night I thought about this, and how good it is for me, not others, me. I started to think about everything that has happened over the last couple of years. How I hated what I turned into, but felt helpless to stop it. Thought about the pain I caused everyone, the ones closest to me, the ones that loved me so much. I started to think about the loves in my life. They say that you never forget your first true love. Right now I'm not sure who that is.

For years, I thought is was M. My first real crush, first girlfriend, first heart break of many by her (ok, US). I felt so unworthy of her love that it made me jealous if she talked to someone better looking, smarter, more athletic than me. To this day I can close my eyes, and see the glow of her smile, her hair blowing in the wind at our 8th grade picnic. I can see and feel the hurt that I caused one Wednesday night many years ago. I felt so unworthy of her love that I got what I deserved, dumped. I did love her, still do, but that night I said if she wouldn't have me, no one ever would. I called her to say goodbye, we cried for hours, she begged me to shut up. she made me promise that I wouldn't do anything stupid. I did promise on our love and friendship. We are still good friends to this day. I could and would not be here without her, and for that I am ever grateful.

Later I would meet V. We seemed happy together. Had the same likes and dislikes. We spent 1 1/2 years dating, and we grew together as most couples do. On my Senior Prom night, I got a hotel room for the night. Dropped the bill at her house. Needless to say, her parents were not happy. couldn't see her anymore. We would sneak around for another 6 months, then I got the hairbrained idea to marry her. Her dad would have to let me see her then. No go. It lasted another 1 1/2 years. Then I found out she was sleeping with the guy that was supposed to be my best man. I now believe that I never really loved her and she never loved me. We were young and told not to see each other, so we'll prove you wrong. It ended badly.

I later met the love of my life, my wife for the last 17 1/2 years and still loving her. We have had our struggles as many do. From money, kids, family, and drifting apart emotionally. Several years ago, I thought I could find happiness in the arms of another woman. She did make me feel special again, but when it came right down to it, I loved my wife, and I promised to love her for better or worse till death do us part. I believe that L. is my true other half, the part that does complete me. for years I was yelled at for finishing her sentences or cutting her off in mid-sentence. Most of that time it was something that I didn't want to hear. I have not really told her that I loved her in years, and didn't do things to back up those words. So, now I want her to believe whatever I say. I do not deserve that right now. My actions must speak louder than those words could. I need to prove to my wife that love is something still inside me. that I truly do love her with all of my heart and soul like I say. I know now that just love and words can not take back the pain that I caused, not just through my drinking, but from the actions that followed.

3 weeks ago this would be easy. My first love would be M. My first true love would be L. Today I am not sure who it is. I found a new love lately. One that has been here all this time. ME. I'm not sure how I fit into the picture now. All I do know is that I caused so much hurt in my life, that first I must learn to love myself again. Give ME to myself unconditionally. Then I can repair to rest. So as of right now:
I love Steve,
I love my God, who has guided me all these years without my asking,
I love my wife, the true love of my life,
I love my friend, M., the first love,
I love my children, for they give me a purpose to continue on in sobriety,
I love my family and friends, old and new,
Oh, did I say that I LOVE being sober!

So, I sit here again, and SAY something different again.
I love my first true love......ME......Steve.