Jan 9th reflection prayer. (jumping ahead one day).
"May I learn to control my urge to control, my compulsion to manage, neaten, organize and label the lives of other."
Wow that sure says a lot to me. Besides giving up the drink that would the next hardest, giving up control. I never saw my self as a controlling until 40 some days ago. Now i see what and how bad I WAS. For everything my family wanted to do I had ten reasons why not to, most of them involved not being to far away from my drink. I found reasons why my wife couldn't sing in the church choir, interfered with a volunteer fire dept meeting night (lots of beer there). So many things, in so many ways I controlled everything in this house. My wife is slowly taking some of that control back with the hurt and anger I caused with it. I hope that it is not to late for her to forgive me from taking that from her.
Today I lost even more control of myself. As each day passes my depression grows deeper and deeper. Over the last couple weeks it has not been have i thought about suicide, it was when and how it would happen. This has scared me deeply. I do not want to hurt my wife, kids family, friends, and all my new recovery peeps out here. So today i took another step in the preservation of Steve. I went to the doctor, and told her about my thoughts, and fears. She agreed I needed to be medicated for Depression, no DA. This is something i would of never of done back 50 days. I could handle anything that life threw at me, if not alcohol would hide it.
So today, day 40 something I am happy to be here, happy for the miracle of life. Happy to have myself back. I am still counting the days to rehab. Jan 30th is getting closer.
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7 comments:
Thoughts become Things...choose the good ones!
You are really do some good stuff for yourself, Steve. Sometimes we do need outside help -- and you went out and got it! Good Job!
And your post on Sober Chick's blog brought tears to my eyes, too!
Peace,
Scout
Forgive me I am new to your blog. Are you going to an inpatient treatment on the 30th?
hand in there steve
Steve, I am so glad you had the courage to share your feelings with your doc, excellent... that's what it takes to stay not only sober, but sane and serene, good for you. I am praying for you my friend!
Yes Tiffanie. I am waiting for a bed in rehab, couting the days. I'm not sure if I can do this at home. i know that I am not alone, but I need more support
YES...you took action. That's all any of us are trying to do. Take action instead of staying up in our heads all the time. You're doing great...and Jan. 30th is my bellybutton birthday ;)
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