Morning 2 inside the Rubber Room. Last night sleeping was strange. They gave me a sleeping pill around 10:15, out like a light by 10:30. We were watching a movie. The nurse had a hard time waking me up to go to bed. I'm not sure what time I woke up, there are no clocks in the room. I sat in the dark, feeling empty and alone. I had a massive feeling of failure to control my drinking, failure in my marriage, failure as a father, son, friend, employee, co-worker. Those words of wisdom came over me "Don't beat yourself up".
So let's try something new. "Steve, you should be proud. Your family, friends and support staff are." So, instead of beating myself up here goes the things that I should be happy about.
After drinking for 20 years, I decided not to drink anymore. I decided daily not to drink. With that good choice, it's been 46 days. I decided to seek help for my addiction. I have not missed an appointment with my AODA counselor. That was doing some good, but at an hour a week, things move slow. I decided to try AA. That was a huge help but still only 2 days a week. Still this wasn't fast enough for me. I made all the phone calls to try to find a rehab center. I made the appointment for intake. I felt good but as the days slowly approached, my depression grew faster than the days could pass. My thoughts darkened as each day passed. Soon it would consume me. When almost all rational thinking was lost and death seemed like the only answer, I found the strength to talk to my wife, talk to my best friend "M". Everyone said the same thing-I needed help that they could not give. I called the hospital. I admitted myself to the psychiatric ward. For this I feel good. Not great but good. It is important that I now realize I did this for me, not others.
In group today, one thing stuck out: "Failure is an event, it is not the person!"
Thank you everyone for your positive thoughts and prayers!
Hugs and kisses
Steve
(Typed & posted at his request by wife)
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8 comments:
Steve,
I'm sorry it has been so rough. Don't forget to let your HP help you. You may be doing this for yourself, but you can't do it alone. You are not alone, your HP is with you and all of us, your blogfriends are rooting for you.
My wife, wants you to know that you have not failed your family, that she sees you as giving your family a fresh start and being a hero in getting rid of what has been tearing it all apart.
Found this on another blog the other day -- hope it helps:
Recovery, in other words, is growth - not, as it seems to the addicted individual, a form of living death. It is about liberation and freedom from the constricting demands of addiction. Addiction by its very nature is a form of bondage, even slavery (L. addictere, to be bound to another)
We are proud of you. You rock.
Hi Steve -- I just wandered into your corner of the Internet, and was inspired to post. Fifteen years ago I got help for my suicidal depression (medication and counseling). When I was in that deep pit, I couldn't imagine any way life would ever be any good for me. Since then, I've gone through some hard times, but I honestly thank God at least once a week that I got help for my illness and didn't succeed in killing myself. I never dreamed I could be well, and could live a normal life.
Tonight, I am wishing that for you. It takes a heck of a lot of guts to look at your life and make a 180 degree change. It takes a lot of determination to ask for help. And at least for me, change didn't come overnight -- things can get harder right before they start to get better. You're doing an amazing job, even if sometimes it might not feel that way.
"Steve"
With 5 soloid years of recovery - and "Growing-up" I find this blog to be a waste. And some of the comments suggssting a HP wil lsave you - when your head is still mush is not useful. Do your self a favor - stil lin rEhab - and don't try to "help others" in or out of recovery by maintaining a blog. Worry about your self - feel what you are going through and MAYBE keep a HAND WRITTEN personal journal for YOUR SELF. Self-centered behavior is root of our problem as is grandiosity. You display same "poor me", "What about me" - so go out and have a drink. Sorry for brutal honesty, but if your Counselor gives you access to a PC to update this thing she/he should have their heads examined. PLEASE DO NOT DELETE this post - doing so would acknowledge you can't take criticism. Hopefully you will.
I would just like to thank you for the offer of a drink. But I will have to pass. I'm an alcoholic who name is Steve.
Im home and feling good, Thanks EVERYONE for your comments and prayers.
Steve
Did you get a sponsor yet?
There is a lot of toxic stuff going on in your head. I keep reading "I" in your post which makes me feel you are still running on self reliance.
In my experience, my sponsor advised me against anti-depressants and therapy until I began working the steps with her (I have spent over 10 years in therapy and my early 20s on anit-depressants, those remedies dis not produce what I have discovered in working the steps). I am grateful for her suggestions and more so that I took them. There is nothing more healing than being guided by other alcoholics in recovery.
Remember what I wrote. If someone upsets many times it is because there is truth in the message.
You are in my prayers.
PS
I toning blogging down lots to focus on my spiritual condition. It is crucial.
Glad to see you are getting advice on the depression Steve, it is a brutal illness. And glad to see you are home, you must be doing better? My thoughts are with you
It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on things.
Sobriety brings out many unfamiliar feelings; rather, feelings that we're not familiar with how to confront.
Too bad you can only do 2 AA meetings per week. One a day might be all the help you need.
Hi Steve,
Just dropping in to see how you are doing. Hang in there. There are so many that are supporting you along this journey.
Hugs!
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