Can someone please tell me why "OK" is not good enough for emotion. Why can't someone just be ok. Now someone has to pipe up and say "ok" is not an emotion, how do you really feel. Well To flipping bad. I'm not "ok". What are you going to do about it. Nothing! I am the one that has to do something about it. So if I want to say I'm ok or not is my flipping business. If I want to keep all the shit inside, Its up to me to let it out. Over the last couple of days even on meds I feel myself slipping deeper over the edge into depression. I feel that there is no way back from this. The walls of hurt and anger have fallen on me, and I'm not strong enough to lift them. I just want to lie here and go home again. I want to spend time with The sister that I never knew. I just want to DIE! Last night I had a dream that my sister who died when i was two was standing by my bed, reaching for my hand and telling me that it was ok, soon all my pain would be gone, and we could go home again. I never thought this bad during my drinking days, it would kind of disappear after the first couple, and I could be a happy drunk. There is nothing happy about me now.
So I'm not ok. There I said it the earth did not stop. The sky did not fall, but the hurt, pain, sorrow, abandoned feelings, loneliness, mistrust, and complete emptiness are still here. I don't feel any better saying that. I still feel the answer is in something else. I feel that my HP is off helping someone else, and Satan stepped in. I am not sure if I can be strong enough to face him again. There is a country song that goes" I threw my hands up and the air, and prayed Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands...I don't want to do this on my own::" That is all one can do, ask for help and pray. Pray for help support wisdom and strength.
Today's prayer
"May God grant me the patience to apply those same principles of faith and acceptance which are keys to my recovery to the whole of my emotional being. May I learn to recognize the festering of my own human anger, my hurt, my frustration, my sadness. With the help of God, may I find appropriate ways to deal with these feelings without doing harm to myself or others" Jan 11 a day at a time.
About Me
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- Sober Steve
- Wisconsin, United States
- I'm a Forty year old male. This is the first time in 23 years that I walk down a sober path. I started this journey to save my marriage. Now I continue down this path for myself. These are my struggles trying to make it thru just another 24 hours. It took losing my wife to find Love, love for myself.
9 comments:
Are you kidding me? OK is good enough because sometimes that is all we can be.
The walls are crashing around you, and its up to you to rebuild them with other feelings, like trust (in people who want to help), like accomplishment (in the fact that you are now "Sober" Steve).
Depression is ALL of it, the fact that you drank to relieve the pain and now your not drinking you have to face them demons.
I am deeply sorry about the loss your sister. Did you have counsling for that?
You never thought this bad because it was mirrored with the illusion that everything was ok drunk.
Its time to make your own happy, its time to let yourself BE happy.
Psalm 23:4 (New Life Version) "Yes, even if I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will not be afraid of anything, because You are with me. You have a walking stick with which to guide and one with which to help. These comfort me." (I am not a religious person but this one always stuck with me).
Know that you will always have someone watching and these are the tests that the devil puts you through to see how devoted to your faith you are.
Be strong.
Keith Urban sang a song and its something like this:
You're Not Alone Tonight
We all drink to forget
Some of us more than most
When reality gets too real
And the fires of hell to close
But I'm here to let you know that
That you can make it through
If you believe that someone is watchin' over you
And call it an angel
Call it a muse
And call it karma that you've got comin' to you
What's the difference
What's in name
What matters most is never ever losin' faith
'Cause it's gonna be alright
You're not alone tonight
We all have our days
When nothing goes as planned
Not a soul in the world
Seems to understand
And for someone to talk to
You'd give anything
Well go on and cry out loud
'Cause someone's listenin'
Keep your faith alive
You're not the only one
Oh you can cry if you want to, go on.
Sorry this was so long but I was surfing the blogs and felt like I need to say something.
I will be watching if its ok.
C.
Hey Steve just hang in their they say it does get better. and thanks for the comments. keep them coming and we can all help each other. good luck a rehab
your sober friend wagon rider
Remember, that it is NORMAL to feel more intense feelings now. You are having to deal with life on life's terms. You are no longer numbing your feelings. It's okay. (no pun intended there) but it really is just OK. You are okay and feeling okay is just fine.
You know what fine stands for right?
F'd up,
Insecure
Neurotic and
Emotional!
That always brought a smile to my face early in recovery when people would ask me how I was and I would say
FINE!
Steve, you need to ask somone to sponsor you. Sometimes we don't see that we are still running on self will. We need to be guided, and others that have walked the path before us can help us get out of ourselves and be lifted from that dark emotional state.
Die-ing is easy. It is living that is hard. We don't have to do it alone. Taking suggestion from others (even when they piss us off) can result in living -- more so it can result in being ALIVE.
Oh ya BTW I think the way your Bar B Q resulted was so halarious. Thanks for the fun message. I have been so busy this week. Thanks for your support during my new journey!
Hugs, hAAppy fridAAy!
Now this is OPINION, ok?
To ME, saying I am o.k. or fine is just fine because most people who ask really don't give a sh** about the real answer. But when someone I am emotionally intimate with or am building that with asks me, THEN I try harder to reach for the REAL words the match my REAL feelings. And it's alright for me to say, "I'm not really sure how I am right now."
We don't always know what exactly we feel in early recovery -- we just know it's not always pleasant.
Your experience right now is familiar to many of us, Steve. My EXPERIENCE has shown me that it does get better if you just continue to stay sober, go to meetings, read your literature, talk to someone you trust, and pray if you have that sort of faith. If not, pray to something anyway -- just to practice.
Peace and keep doing the next right thing -- just like you are, k?
Scout
HI Steve... you're having alot of feelings come to the surface now that you're not anesthetizing yourself. And no, you're not going to feel ok, and that's fine. The important thing is that you just ride it out, don't drink, keep sharing, og to meetings and don't take any major actions while you're feeling this way. Don't make any major decisions as a result of how you're feeling.
I love what Sober Chick said... find a sponsor, even a "temporary" sponsor. Find someone you can talk to, and fast! The good news is, that you dont HAVE to drink over this stuff. And you don't have to go through this alone.
You're doing fine. Believe me, we've all gone through these things and many of us continue to do so. The pain passes and makes us stronger. then we know we can go through life without having to medicate our brains and be so damn selfish.
Steve, ....when I hear someone say they want to die......I am very hesitant to give ANY kind of layman advice. Maybe you are just journalling your feelings as a way to get them out....but if you are truly having suicidal thoughts..........please tell a family member or a physician. I don't know you, so I can not gauge your "tone".......but if you need some big time help right now......my alcoholic brother....then tell someone..please.
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