Over the last couple of days my self doubt about taming these Dz has gone from I can do it, to struggling every second. This last week I have heard more about people slipping of the wagon than there are on it. From the guy at group the other night, to SC friend, to Scout friend how just died from a drug overdose. I heard that the holiday season is the worst, but everyday seems to be bad for someone. I have an intake appointment for Jan 30th for a rehab program. it seems so far away from here now. I call every couple of days to see what are the chances that someone else cancelled. I hate to hope that someone else is not coming to rehab so I can get in earlier. I know I must not think of just myself, but I hurt everyday, and no matter how hard I try, I hurt the ones I love around me.
Although she doesn't say it, I know that my wife supports me in my rehab. I know that a 45 day program will but a hardship on our finical status. But it is nothing compared to the hardship I have put on this family. Last night feeling down and lonely, I tried to get intimate with my wife. Even though I knew that she is unsure were we stand, and unsure if she can take the chance of getting hurt again. After my advances where brushed off, I felt guilty. I knew that she wasn't ready for anything, but i pushed on anyways. I wanted to leave the house. I felt like ,,,,shit. I told her that I was going out for awhile, put on my jacket and shoes kissed here on the for head, and said " Good-bye Honey, I can never stop loving you" and walked away. What did that mean I thought "Goodbye" you stupid fool. You are not going anywhere. There is no way that I could ever take my life. I would not want to leave my family with that burden. I sat outside looking at the stars for awhile, then came back inside. I cried on her shoulder for hours. "sorry came out at least 200 times. She hugged me last night like a friend would hug another hurting sole. She said not to beat myself up over what happened. I felt like I lost the only person that I cared for in this world. I cried about failing. Thinking of the family that is starting over at day one again. She told me to be strong, that I could do it. Day by dayIistay sober.
I am unsure today were my life takes me. This has been one long, bad roller coster ride. The one thing that I can say is that there does seem to be more highs than lows lately. So tonight when I go to bed I will try to remember those words" Don't beat yourself up over something that you have no control over,,,,Others have fallen....that doesn't mean that you will."""
Don't beat yourself up today,,,was the first thing I said to myself this morning.
Hugs and kisses
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5 comments:
If you allow it, your mind will play the worse mind tricks on you during this time. Your emotions are running wild, the first months of recovery make us feel so vulnerable. We have created these walls to protect us. Now that we are crushing these walls down, we don't have that shield to protect us as we use to.
However, we are game with new armor, and soon the dust of the battle will settle and you will have clear view of many things that trouble you now.
Hang in there, you are right where you are suppose to be. You are ok, just keep doing what you are doing, stay connected and be open to suggestions from those in the fellowship.
Muah!
Believe that Life is worth living. Life will create the fact.
Hang in there my friend. The thing to hang on to is that you're sober today, and that's where everything starts. If you're an alcoholic, everything begins with staying sober. There is nothing at all more important in my life than staying sober. The good news is, that you never have to do it alone. Get a home group a sponsor, blog, share talk to your wife, etc. Hang in there one day at a time. And remember, there's nothing you can make better by taking a drink... nothing!
Hang in there and peace to you, my friend. This struggle is worth it in the end, trust me when I tell you that!
Hi Steve. Scott sent me by for a quick read.
I'll come back for more because I'm an alkie too and I know where you're coming from. Those damn feelings. Guess what? These Too Shall Pass.
Everything you write about is covered in the Big book, especially in chapters 8 and 9, pages 104-135.
Hi Steve, just came across your blog, some excellent posts. I'm a newbie on day 7, just starting out. Hang in there, good to met you :-)
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