A look at life thru the spouses eyes

Thanks Everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I learned a lot about myself and these Dz this weekend. Basically I had a AODA apt on Thursday so much came to the surface that my wife the counselor and myself were afraid that I might do something to hurt myself or others. So after thinking about it I checked myself in Friday afternoon. I had time this weekend and Monday to process everything and search my soul about everything. A lot about how my wife feels, about how any spouse feels. So this is a story of life thru her eyes, the way I would imagine it.

"The year is about 1996 or 97. The phone rings and I got up to answer it. It is the police department. The voice on the other end starts to talk. You understand up to the part about there was an accident, and you need to get to the hospital as soon as possible. My stomach feels like it is full of butterflies. I rush to the hospital. Once I get there the doctor meets me at the door. He starts to say about an accident and they used all the life saving skills they knew. My knees get weak. He says he sorry, but then says Steve didn't make it, but he died peacefully.

I went thru the service waiting for Steve to walk in and hold my hand. He never did. I waited for him at school for the concerts, bought him Christmas presents, made his side of the bed. I was so much in denial. Hoping that one day he would walk back in the room. Life went on for the rest of the world but my heart was empty. Finally after ten years I decided to move on. Pick up the pieces, and live life again. That would be November of 2006.

One day while sitting on the couch reading my book there was a knock on the door. It was Steve standing there. He said sorry he was late, but got tied up. I thought to myself how can this be, I mourned him for years. Finally after years of denial I decide to move on with life, then he walks back in. I'm not sure what to do now. Not sure if I can love him again."

So this is what I think about how my wife feels. In 96,after about 6 months of being sober because the birth of my son. I started to drink again. Maybe one day would go by without a drink but never two. I spiraled out of control. My wife hoping that I would stop again so we could be a family again. She sat and watched our marriage and me slowly disappear to alcohol. In November she said she had enough and wanted to leave. So now I quite drinking and think that everything should be ok. I want to turn back time and make everything normal.

After this weekend I understand How she feels and that I can not turn back time. She waited for years for me to stop. She thought I never could, and that things could never get better. she needed herself back not the enabler she turned into. So I quit and expect her to come running back. It took time to hurt her as much as this DZ did. I can not expect her to change her mind so quickly about this. I just pray that she can give this new person standing here a chance to better our lives together.

Hugs and Kisses
Steve