Pot Luck Feelings

Good Morning my recovery peeps. Its AA Fine beautiful morning here in Northern WI. to warm, our snow is melting, lakes not safe to ride on, but a great day to be alive. Over the last 24 hours my mind has changed several times about what to write or rant about today. My emotions are being pulled in so many directions, I'm not sure which is forward or Backwards. Well Forward, went to the last x-mas party of the year small get together of about ten, had all the escape plans set up from the in-laws taking my wife home, to making it and wanting to stay for desert. It was the first time i was in public with others drinking around me. I was worried about what could and would happen. i made it until the last 5 minutes. I was proud of myself until then. My wife works for her dad, normally she writes the check for this kind of stuff, back up plan number 6. A asked my wife to give her dad the check and let him write it, just in case we had to leave fast. The last 15 Min's the walls were closing in on me fast. i needed to get out fast. Told my wife it was time. 3 hours of watching other drink had done its toll on me. We were are the stairs going down when her dad called her over. Yes to write the check. I ran out of the restaurant. I couldn't be standing at the bar myself, not right then. I was pissed at her, once again she chose getting approval from her father over me. This was a big problem early in our marriage. We did get over this, Saturday on the home we talked about this, and how it hurt that she put her father first over me, and right then I NEEDED that support. I told her that it took awhile but I did take her away from her needing her fathers acceptance for everything, then she told me that all I did was replace it with me, instead of giving it back to her!

We talked on the way home, and she said that I seemed fine, and writing the check was a 2 min deal. Tried to explain how those feelings rush over me so quickly, and what it feels like. Somewhere around me there is a switch and someone likes just to turn it on and watch me go...crazy, so many emotion's hit me all at once I can't describe it. It is fear, anger, rage, self doubt, anxious, jealousy, fear,anger, oh i said that. I want to be able to control these feeling,,i need to control them.

Over the last couple of posts many of you are telling me to read the big Book. I can read, but no matter how hard I try they are words, I can not find the meaning behind words. Its not just the big book, its any book. My high school failed me on this one. I got more out of it during a big book meeting than trying to read it myself. I still try though. Thanks for your support and showing me exactly were to go in the book to find those answers to questions.